Friday, September 30, 2005

I'm it!

tag anyone ?

lets play tag

thanks to
Thom for "giving" me this idea !

the rules:

1. go into your archive.
2. find your 23rd post.
3. find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. tag five other people to do the same.

here we go:

It literally appeared as if a weight had been lifted off her shoulders/heart.

This came from an entry days after my friend tried to comit suicide. I had just gotten back from visiting her.

i tag the following:

anyone I can think of to tag probably won't play along :*( but it was kinda fun to go through and see which was my 23rd post, so you should do it anyway!!


Okay, I'm done being retarded, I think. I've done some thinking, some talking, some venting. Then a perfectly timed song grabbed me and shook me until I snapped out of my stupidity.

I was trying to figure things out with the whole boy situation when it was brought to my attention that I do nothing fun anymore. My simple lunches out with friends have faded by the way side. The time I do have to spend with friends is limited and some of my closest friends aren't exactly healthy for me to spend time with right now. It doesn't count if you feel worse after spending time with someone that you did before you left. Last weekend I was going to take off to Orlando to fight my antsy feeling. I've got a terrific friend that's recently relocated there. But, through the stress of relocating and starting a new job, she was exhausted and fighting off a cold. So, that idea was halted. My mom is currently in Ohio spending time with my family and having a terrific time, as she frequently reminds me by her several phone calls a day. I mean it's terrific that they all miss me, but I don't want to hear about all the fun they're having that I'm missing out on because I'm freaking broke and have more work to do than I know how to accomplish. Some friend's from home are all heading to Howl-o-Scream tonight (Busch Gardens Halloween style). Everyone is having fun but me.

I felt sorry for myself for a good while. Then I decided that blowing $60 for one night of restoring my sanity was worth it. So I'm going to head out of here in a couple of hours, go spend the evening having a blast with people that I know will allow me to have a terrific time, then sleep a few hours and drive back down to the psychology lab tomorrow morning. I'll get back to these details in a minute, but I'm going with the boy, my god-daughter's dad, and a few random other people that don't really play into this.

So back to the boy stuff. I was stuck somewhere between jealousy and trying to move on. I wanted to be wanted by him. I wanted to pretend that if we did get back together that things could work out this time. We're both playing games right now, both trying to make the other one admit that they want a relationship before we'll give in, both not ready to admit ourselves that we'd like to be back in a relationship, both waiting for the other to make the first move. F**K that. Dude, I'm not waiting around for anyone. I don't need someone to make me feel wanted. If I just hold my head high and bat my eyelashes, I can get guys to drool on themselves (not to sound conceited...I don't understand why I have this ability, just an observation). I'm worth more than some second rate townie who has no aspirations in life. I'm leaving this place soon enough, heading out of state to whatever grad school is going to be lucky enough to accept me--Denver, Seattle, Indy, Cincinnati, who knows! While I was working on coming to this conclusion, my "Guys SUCK" playlist was looping in the back ground. I turned it up to hear "Gone" by Kelly Clarkson (sound clip and lyrics). At one time I rocked out to this song, singing it into the night, directed at him. Why was I so convinced of the song a few months ago and now I'm wallowing in self pity? I don't think so. I'm over it. He can cry all he wants; he lost me once and unless he's going to fight hard for me and do something overly convincing, he's not getting me back!

During the whole process of trying to figure out if I was going to go on this little escapade, I had to play with the idea of who's house I'm going to stay at. I have standing invitations at the boy's house and my god-daughter's house. At first I wanted to stay with the boy because not many people can deny the comfort of sharing a bed with someone. I hesistated because I didn't want to regret anything in the morning and we're not very good at being good. But I realized, that was half the reason I wanted to go. Not cool! Then I decided I wanted to spend the night with him and not sleep with him to prove to myself I could do it. Now I'm back to not knowing where I want to sleep. If I stayed with him, I would be proving a point to him that he can't have me whenever he wants me; he can't have me, period. But then, I don't have to prove anything to him. The only thing is, I might disturb my god-daughter coming in late and leaving rather early in the morning. I guess we'll just see how things go later this evening. Point is, no matter where I sleep, I'll just be "using" that person for a bed for a couple of short hours.

So yeah! I'm getting the hell out of this place for a night. Going to let my hair down and party!! Perhaps utilize some of the lines provided by Thom & Bullshit! Who knows, whatever, "I'm already gone"!

Thursday, September 29, 2005


I found this on a few other sites and decided to give it a spin. Most of these quizes are pretty silly, but I really liked the results of this one. I swear I wasn't avoiding my homework when I took it ::angle eyes::

You are a Samurai.
You are full of honour and value respect. You
are not really the stereotypical hero, but you
do fight for good. Just in your own way. For
you, it is most certainly okay to kill an evil
person, if it is for justice and peace. You
also don't belive in mourning all the time and
think that once you've hit a bad stage in life
you just have to get up again. It's pointless
to concentrate on emotional pain and better to
just get on with everything. You also are a
down to earth type of person and think before
you act. Impulsive people may annoy you

Main weapon: Sword
Quote: "Always do the right thing.
This will gratify some people and astonish the
rest" -Mark Twain
Facial expression: Small smile

What Type of Killer Are You? [cool pictures]
brought to you by Quizilla

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

I'm a thief!

I'm going to continue the thieving pattern. This one comes from Thom!

1. Legal First name? it is NOT Christina, Martina, or anything else that could be shortened to Tina....just plain Tina and I like it that way

2. Were you named after anyone? nope, I was going to get a middle name after someone, but they let my brother pick it out instead.

3. Do you wish on stars? I hadn't for years until last summer, but I've since given up

4. When did you last cry? last's been a rough week

5. What is your favorite lunch meat? Hard Salami

6. What is your birth date? March 13th...nothing unlucky about it!

7. What's your most embarrassing CD? I don't have anything that would really embarrass me, my ecletic taste is rather odd and I just accept that.

8. If you were another person, would you be friends with you? I'd like to say yes, but I do drive myself crazy and have terribly low self-esteem, so I'm going to say no

9. Do you use sarcasm a lot? I try, it often gets misinterpreted

10. What are your nicknames? Cricketina, Cricket, rubia negrita

11. Would you bungee jump? dude, my neck's so wacked, I think I'll diving might be an option though....

12. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? what's the point, besides that means I'd have to bend down to get them off my feet....too much work...really, I stick to flip flops 90% of the time

13. Do you think that you are strong? I like to think so

14. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? mint chocolate chip, baby!

15. Shoe Size? 7.5-8-8.5 it depends on the shoe...why can't they just standardize things?!

16. Red or pink? red (pink = barf)

17. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? there's not a whole lot I can claim to like...if anything

18. Who do you miss most? right now, Mami, my Dominican host mom

19. What color pants and shoes are you wearing? jeans that are too tight and show my butt everytime I move, so annoying....currently barefoot, go figure

20. What are you listening to right now? my man-hating play list, Kelly Clarkson, Avril Lavigne, Pink, Alanis Morisette, Three Days Grace, Gloria Gaynor

21. What did you eat for breakfast? Cherry Pepsi & tylenol 3

22. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? a blue of some sort

23. What is the weather like right now? freaking hot and humid

24. Last person you talked to on the phone? my mom, she was bored at the airport and wanted me to entertain her while I was doing a million things and not feeling sorry that she was bored on the first leg of her vacation to go see our family in Ohio... lol, I'm a bad daughter

25.The first things you notice about the opposite sex? personality, looks mean nothing if you can't keep my attention

26. Do you like the person who sent this to you? the person I stole it from seems pretty cool, don't really "know" him, though

27. Favorite Drink? Midiori Sours

28. Hair Color? dirty blonde-ish ? with highlights

29. Do you wear contacts? I wish, too expensive

30. Favorite Food? Strawberries

31. Last Movie You Watched? Tierra de los Osos....Spn version of Brother Bear

32. Favorite Day Of The Year? my birthday

33. Scary Movies Or Happy Endings? happy endings

34. Summer Or Winter? I live in FL, what's the difference?

35. Hugs OR Kisses? hugs with most people, but I'm a sucker for a romantic kiss

36. What Is Your Favorite Dessert? icecream

37. Living Arrangements? suite style dorms

38. What books Are You Reading? you want a list of my text books and thesis material??

39. What's On Your Mouse Pad? FAU, Success, Some people dream of success while others wake up and work hard for it

40.What Did You Watch Last night on TV? TV, is that what that big black thing is in the living room??

41. Favorite Smells? lavender Vanilla

42. Favorite junk food? Soda!!

43. Rolling Stones or Beatles? I don't know

44. What's the farthest you've been from home? Germany & Austria


1 announcement of a new interest + 1 week of the cold shoulder + 1 day of man-hating songs + 2 hours of sweet, soft conversation = 1 very confused little girl


Monday, September 26, 2005

Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough

I heard this song on the radio today. I dreamed about him, was thinking about him, and then I heard this. I know I've been putting a lot of song lyrics up here lately, but I'm no poet. I'm a vocalist and finding songs that fit my mood always comes naturally. I told a friend that when she's having a hard time making decisions, listen to the voices around her, the tried and true voices of wisdom, support, and love. I think that's a bit of advice I should be taking myself right now. As much as I want him back in my life, I really don't. It was great while it lasted, but it's over.

Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough

Now, I don't want to lose you, but I don't want to use you
just to have somebody by my side.
And I don't want to hate you,
I don't want to take you, but I don't want to be the one to cry.

And that don't really matter to anyone anymore.
But like a fool I keep losing my place
and I keep seeing you walk through that door.

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough.

Now, I could never change you, I don't want to blame you.
Baby, you don't have to take the fall.
Yes, I may have hurt you, but I did not desert you.
Maybe I just want to have it all.

It makes a sound like thunder, it makes me feel like rain.
And like a fool who will never see the truth,
I keep thinking something's gonna change.


And there's no way home, when it's late at night and you're all alone.
Are there things that you wanted to say?
And do you feel me beside you in your bed,
there beside you, where I used to lay?

And there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough.

Baby, sometimes, love... it just ain't enough.

~Don Henley
I had a pretty bad and good weekend. Last night I went out to dinner with an incredible person. For my study abroad trip this summer, I chose to go with a program called ISA. ISA sent two American directors from their offices to the Dominican with us to meet up with a Dominican director. Well, one of my directors was at our main campus (an hour south) to sit at a study abroad fair. So, we went out to dinner last night and had a spectacular time. Sometimes I forget that I can go out with a male and just relax and enjoy the evening. Between forgetting to decide what we wanted for dinner several times, sitting at our table long after the bill had been paid, and standing in the parking lot as it slowly cleared we talked about just about everything under the sun, well moon by that point. Today I drove down to spend some time with him at the table at the fair. It was INCREDIBLY boring and the people weren't the nicest. I suggested to him to come to the Honors College where we all have to either do a study abroad or internship to graduate. So we talked about that for a bit and now it sounds like I'm going to be a student representative. He's trying to make it a paid position and trying to work everything out. How cool!!! It was really sad to say good-bye to him, though. He's a little piece of a place I've come to know as "home."

Today I'm exhausted from being out too late last night. My room's a MESS and the pile of laundry is getting pretty high. Oh, and I stink. I think I'm going to attend to my cleanliness issues and try to do some catch up reading before I pass out from shear exhaustion. Sweet dreams, world!

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Christ Fellowship

Ah, Sundays! A time to refresh and prepare for the inevitably long week ahead. I've shared many times my love for my church and the faith and comfort it has given me. I want nothing more than for everyone in this world to find the kind of faith and love I have encountered at my place of worship. Granted, I have a bias that I'd prefer people seek this in a Christian setting, but above all, not matter what religion or creed, we all need so support from above when times get tough. It's so easy to forget that in the hussle and bussle of everyday life. Christ Fellowship, my church is starting a new series next week called "God @ Home." The link above (or here or in Spanish) will lead you to their main page. From there you can look around at your leisure. I'd like to point out that they have written a new devotional to go along with the series and you can purchase it online. I do believe the price only covers the cost of publishing. If there is some extra, it would go toward our Impacting Faith mission, which is a three year plan to reach out and let our area, and the entire world, know of God's love and saving grace. Another point of interest might be the live stream options. You can log on and connect with our services, live. We have three campuses and an internet audience all connected. Our motto goes something like this "we are truly one church with one heartbeat worshiping in many locations."

This church is by far the most eclectic that I've seen. We have SEVERAL different races and different socio-economic classes worshiping together. You can look around the congregation and see so many colors and backgrounds. While waiting to leave the parking lot this morning I saw a car that was probably mid-late 80's barely running, clumping along behind a brand new H2. It really is amazing to see all of our differences come together and literally dropped at the door. We are one, loving body of Christ.

I'll get off my soap box now, but I just wanted to share the love and excitement that I've been lucky enough to find. I hope everyone's Sunday is going well and the week ahead isn't too stressful!!

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Out Tonight

What's the time?
Well it's gotta be close to midnight
My body's talking to me
It says, "Time for danger"
It says "I wanna commit a crime
Wanna be the cause of a fight
Wanna put on a tight skirt and flirt
With a stranger"
I've had a knack from way back
At breaking the rules once I learn the games
Get up - life's too quick
I know someplace sick
Where this chick'll dance in the flames
We don't need any money
I always get in for free
You can get in too
If you get in with me

Let's go out tonight
I have to go out tonight
You wanna play?
Let's run away
We won't be back before it's Christmas day
Take me out tonight (meow)

When I get a wink from the doorman
Do you know how lucky you'll be?
That you're on line with the feline of Avenue B

Let's go out tonight
I have to go out tonight
You wanna prowl
Be my night owl?
Well take my hand we're gonna howl
Out tonight

In the evening I've got to roam
Can't sleep in the city of neon and chrome
Feels too damn much like home
When the Spanish babies cry
So let's find a bar
So dark we forget who we are
And all the scars from the
Nevers and maybes die

Let's go out tonight
Have to go out tonight
You're sweet
Wanna hit the street?
Wanna wail at the moon like a cat in heat?
Just take me out tonight

Please take me out tonight
Don't forsake me -- out tonight
I'll let you make me -- out tonight
Tonight -- tonight -- tonight
~RENT, Jonathon Larson

This is how I'm feeling right now. I just want to go out, let my hair down, flirt with some random (albeit HOT) guy, and just have some careless, college fun! Yet, tonight I'll most likely be doing thesis reading in my room, blah!


I'm so angsty today. Yesterday was a long day followed by what was supposed to be a fun filled evening but was horrible instead. Today I'm tired and worried and lonely and blah.

Yesterday we went to an entirely too
expensive hotel right on the water for our annual butt-kissing event. The hotel is owned by the people who generously bestow large amounts of money to me so I can do this whole college thing. Every fall we get together with all the members of my scholarship (20, 5 from each class) and the Deans and some other important people to discuss what we did over the summer. The scholarship pays for us to do a specific activity each summer (hence my Dominican trip). So we got all dressed up, froze to death in a room fit for penguin reproduction, were bored out of our minds listening to power point after power point about everyone's summers. I got bored and started picking at my hose, creating a large hole just before my turn to present. Yay! Then we had lunch, a disaster. We have one vegan and a few vegetarians in the group. The dean is allergic to anything with tomatoes or that has been touched by tomatoes. I'm allergic to shellfish. Just about everything had meat (almost exclusively shell fish) and tomatoes. The salad was a big hit (it had cherry tomatoes, so she wasn't effected by them). Then we took a tour of the hotel and there were rooms there that cost more to rent for one night than my vehicle cost me. Granted, my POS doesn't exactly qualify as luxury, but come on now. Do people really have nothing better to do with their money than to rent a hotel room that costs entirely more than it should?!?!?! For heaven sakes, people, donate it, do something good with it. Take a vacation that cost half as much and do twice as much and still have some left over for those struggling in life. I was just annoyed.

I was so looking forward to last night. One of my best friends has recently changed jobs and our schedules almost never correspond anymore. We made a date to go to TGIFridays, one of our favorites, but a decent drive. She wanted to go to a movie afterward, but didn't tell me that her gift certificates were for a movie theater 30+minutes away from my house. She stopped by my place after work (6 o'clock) so we could figure out our plan. She lives fairly close to the restaurant (20 mins south) and between me and the movie theater. So we decided to take two cars. Well, she left before I got into my car. Then she called me as I was about to turn into the restaurant, pissed off. Apparently, the plan was for me to drive to her place (even though I only know about where it is--she recently moved) and we would take one car. That was CERTAINLY news to me. She was put out and while giving a guilt trip, decided to just meet me. Well, she has a habit of turning her phone off so her family can't call her. Her family has my phone number and if she won't answer, they call me. How nice! So as soon as we sit down, my phone starts ringing. It's her mom, which puts her in an even sourer mood, which doesn't help my decaying enthusiasm. Our server drove us crazy with her constant babble. I don't mind a server with a personality that can keep up a conversation, but this chick was just nuts. Plus, I'd secretly been hoping for a cute male server I could flirt with...sometimes flirting just makes you feel a bit better. So basically the movie plans were out, which I was half glad about given our rousing conversations of dead silence and her growing attitude incorrectly directed at me. She had to pick up her sister at work (near me) at 9:20 and being that it was pushing 8, I offered hanging out at my place until she had to go. I told her I'd make her a Midori Sour, if she'd like, once we got there. I got the holier than thou disapproving reprimand. Um, hello, we're both of age (now) and I'm certainly the last person you'll find abusing or consuming large amounts of alcohol. Besides, it was only a week or so ago that she was drinking more than I would ever consider drinking in one evening, on her 21st.

She is extremely depressed, almost suicidal. She denies that there is a problem and refuses to talk to someone. The limited amount of time we spend together now (we used to be inseparable) is horrible. We're both miserable; I leave feeling ten times worse than when I left and I can't imagine she feels any better. It wasn't like that before. She's mad at God for keeping her in her admittedly bad situation, but blaming God isn't going to make things better. Then she turns around and pretends to be the best Christian there is. We used to have so much fun together and no matter what was going on, we'd both have a terrific time and forget about life for a while. Now she's miserable and making me miserable.

I'm more upset about Joseph having a new girl than I thought I would be. I guess, through it all, he never stopped wanting me, and that felt good, no matter how annoying. Now, he wants someone else and I'm just left in the cold. I know it's normal and for the best, but it just sucks right now.

I've gained a good bit of weight recently, too. I'm trying really hard to eat decently and ride my bike to/from work, but it just doesn't seem to be helping. Everyone says I look good and that they can't tell. I don't know if that's just them trying to be nice, or what, but 90% of my clothes don't fit over my big butt. I'm supposed to be in a wedding in two weeks and I'm worried that the dress won't fit, now. It's just adding to the already self-deprecating ideas.

Then there's this huge in-between stage I'm going through right now. I'm ending undergrad and getting ready to move on. Many of my friends are getting married, having kids, settling down. That's just not going to happen for me for at LEAST a few years. I have nothing in common with the few people from high school I've tried to keep in touch with. Most of my college friends are either sticking around the area (finishing or starting work) or are heading out of town, like me, in the fall. The only time I halfway feel "at home" is when I'm at church, but even then, I know I won't be there much longer. I just seem to be growing further and further away from everyone and everything. I don't know, I'm just all angsty and lost right now.

I'm worried about LP and waiting to hear that she's okay. I feel better knowing Rita chilled out a bit before making landfall, and hit North of her. Doesn't mean she won't get some killer effects though. Now I know what my friends and family went through last year with all those storms I rode out.

I try to pretend I have it all together and try to act all mature, but really, I'm just a confused little girl.
Okay, I know this was a miserable post, sorry guys. I'm just sitting in the lab, left to my own thoughts, tired, and dealing with my perpetual headache. Hope you are all having a terrific weekend, and those of you in the storm's path are safe and sound.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Random Follow-up Stuff

I was talking with the counselor today about some of the stuff I've been posting about. We talked about the possibility of changing my name. He thought it was a good thing that I was thinking about it, but something that I SERIOUSLY needed to consider before acting. He had a few good points:
  1. I'm planning to get married (WAY in the future) and planning on taking his name
  2. any drastic moves like that would close any possibility of my dad ever softening his heart
  3. family members on that side of the family (my grandparents, an aunt, an uncle, and my brother) would NOT take kindly to that kind of action and could result in even fewer family members on my side than before
  4. I have 5-7 years before I'll be adding Doctor to my title
  5. Women publish things under maiden names all the time and since I'm not planning to be an academic, it will probably be even less important for me not to change my name
So, he's glad that I'm thinking about it, but suggested to wait a few years and see how life pans out. I've made it thus far with my name, a few more years won't kill me. The family ramifications would be too hard to deal with right now, and I could feasibly never need to take this kind of action--5-7 years from now, I might be married. So, it's still something to ponder, but something that I should probably wait a bit for based on the possible consequences. Apparently Mister I-don't-want-a-girlfriend-right-now had a decent date last night, attending his best friend's birthday (the father of my God-daughter). From the very, very limited (and fairly complimentary) explanation I gave the counselor about our relationship, he told me to move on. Funny, I keep telling myself maybe we could get back together, but I really don't want that. I really just want to move on. I'm so hoping that now that he has someone to focus his attention on, that he'll leave me alone and allow me to move on. I've done it once, I'll do it again. I was over it for over a year. He just dragged me back into things. Oh well. Well, I have to run to the store, buy my mom's birthday present (and hope it gets to her by Monday--oops!!), grab dinner and go to CHOIR REHEARSAL!!! YAY! Toodles and Happy Friday!!

Redondillas I

Hoy es mi día de español--tengo tarea, la clase de literatura hispanola y coro español. Este "post" está dedicado a Xolo, quien comparta la nacionalidad con esta gran escritora.

Hombres necios que acusáis
a la mujer, sin razón,
sin ver que sois la ocasión
de lo mismo que culpáis;

si con ansia sin igual
solicitáis su desdén,
por qué queréis que obren bien
si las incitáis al mal?

Combatís su resistencia
y luego, con gravedad,
decís que fue liviandad
lo que hizo la diligencia.

Parecer quiere el denuedo
de vuestro parecer loco,
al niño que pone el coco
y luego le tiene miedo.

Queréis, con presunción necia,
hallar a la que buscáis
para prentendida, Thais,
y en la posesión, Lucrecia.

¿Qué humor puede ser más raro
que el que, falto de consejo,
él mismo empaña el espejo
y siente que no esté claro?

Con el favor y el desdén
tenéis condición igual,
quejándoos, si os tratan mal,
burlándoos, si os quieren bien.

Opinión, ninguna gana,
pues la que más se recata,
si no os admite, es ingrata,
y si os admite, es liviana.

Siempre tan necios andáis
que, con desigual nivel,
a una culpáis por cruel
y a otra por fácil culpáis.

¿Pues como ha de estar templada
la que vuestro amor pretende?,
¿si la que es ingrata ofende,
y la que es fácil enfada?

Mas, entre el enfado y la pena
que vuestro gusto refiere,
bien haya la que no os quiere
y quejaos en hora buena.

Dan vuestras amantes penas
a sus libertades alas,
y después de hacerlas malas
las queréis hallar muy buenas.

¿Cuál mayor culpa ha tenido
en una pasión errada:
la que cae de rogada,
o el que ruega de caído?

¿O cuál es de más culpar,
aunque cualquiera mal haga;
la que peca por la paga
o el que paga por pecar?

¿Pues, para qué os espantáis
de la culpa que tenéis?
Queredlas cual las hacéis
o hacedlas cual las buscáis.

Dejad de solicitar,
y después, con más razón,
acusaréis la afición
de la que os fuere a rogar.

Bien con muchas armas fundo
que lidia vuestra arrogancia,
pues en promesa e instancia
juntáis diablo, carne y mundo.

Sor Juana Inés de la Cruz

I'm not fond of doing this, but here's an attempt at translating Sor Juana's beautiful words (not my own translation). A lot of it's beauty is lost, but I didn't want to leave out my English readers.

Silly, you men-so very adept
at wrongly faulting womankind,
not seeing you're alone to blame
for faults you plant in woman's mind.

After you've won by urgent plea
the right to tarnish her good name,
you still expect her to behave--
you, that coaxed her into shame.

You batter her resistance down
and then, all righteousness, proclaim
that feminine frivolity,
not your persistence, is to blame.

When it comes to bravely posturing,
your witlessness must take the prize:
you're the child that makes a bogeyman,
and then recoils in fear and cries.

Presumptuous beyond belief,
you'd have the woman you pursue
be Thais when you're courting her,
Lucretia once she falls to you.

For plain default of common sense,
could any action be so queer
as oneself to cloud the mirror,
then complain that it's not clear?

Whether you're favored or disdained,
nothing can leave you satisfied.
You whimper if you're turned away,
you sneer if you've been gratified.

With you, no woman can hope to score;
whichever way, she's bound to lose;
spurning you, she's ungrateful--
succumbing, you call her lewd.

Your folly is always the same:
you apply a single rule
to the one you accuse of looseness
and the one you brand as cruel.

What happy mean could there be
for the woman who catches your eye,
if, unresponsive, she offends,
yet whose complaisance you decry?

Still, whether it's torment or anger--
and both ways you've yourselves to blame--
God bless the woman who won't have you,
no matter how loud you complain.

It's your persistent entreaties
that change her from timid to bold.
Having made her thereby naughty,
you would have her good as gold.

So where does the greater guilt lie
for a passion that should not be:
with the man who pleads out of baseness
or the woman debased by his plea?

Or which is more to be blamed--
though both will have cause for chagrin:
the woman who sins for money
or the man who pays money to sin?

So why are you men all so stunned
at the thought you're all guilty alike?
Either like them for what you've made them
or make of them what you can like.

If you'd give up pursuing them,
you'd discover, without a doubt,
you've a stronger case to make
against those who seek you out.

I well know what powerful arms
you wield in pressing for evil:
your arrogance is allied
with the world, the flesh, and the devil!

Everything's Alright

Try not to get worried, try not to turn on to
Problems that upset you, oh.
Don't you know
Everything's alright, yes, everything's fine,
And we want you to sleep well tonight.
Let the world turn without you tonight.
If we try, we'll get by, so forget all about us tonight.

Sleep and I shall soothe you, calm you, and anoint you...
Myrrh for your hot forehead, oh.
Then you'll feel
Everything's alright, yes, everything's fine.
And it's cool, and the ointment's sweet
For the fire in your head and feet.
Close your eyes, close your eyes
And relax, think of nothing tonight.

~Jesus Christ Super Star

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Soap Opera...

Oy! So this whole ex-boyfriend soap opera continues. For those of you just tuning in, I dated this guy for three years and we've been "apart" for over a year now and I pseudo-dated someone in the interim (15 year age difference and 2000 miles--bad idea). Most recently he's been talking about someone he works with. Talking about her in that way that I know he'll wind up dating her. However, I also know it won't last. The funniest thing is he's being all sketchy about it all. Hiding information, telling me only what he wants me to know, yet forgetting that his best friend and his best friend's wife are extremely close to me and tell me everything anyway. Last night we were having a "normal" absurd conversation and he suddenly stops and says, "Well, I have something to tell you."
My first thought was, who did he screw and feels guilty about.
"I went on a date."
"Did Stacey have a good time?"
"Um, how did you know? We saw ::insert chick flick about heaven movie name::"
"WTF? I dated you three years and I never could get you to take me to movie even remotely similar and this chick gets a chick flick on the first date"
"I took you to Harry Potter, does that count?"
"You know full well that doesn't count."
"Well, I'll take you to one."
"I've hear that line before. So did you get in her pants?"
"Tina (stern, reprimanding voice)"
"What? (sweet innocent voice)"
"She's waiting until she married"
"That never stopped you before" (yes, I know this was a low blow, but he was trying to get a reaction, so he got one--he was my first and only)
The conversation went to how he never plans to get married.
"This coming from the guy who refused to make even a minimum commitment. Then told everyone that you'd planed on marrying me as soon as we broke up."
"Well, that's what I decided while you were away that summer (speaking of the summer I spent in Colorado). I did a lot of thinking about it, talked to my mom about it, a lot, I was ready." (no he wasn't, but whatever)
"You sure had a funny way of showing it."
"I know I made a mistake and I regret that."
"Well not talking to me and being a total ass for 3/4 of the time I was gone certainly wasn't the way to win my heart over."
The conversation went to many things and finally back again just before we hung up. I can't remember the prompt he gave me, but my final sentence to him surprised both of us.
"Perhaps there's something to be said for winning her back."
"What?" (I hate it when he fully heard what I said and merely wants me to repeat it--really what's the point??)

I'm glad he's dating, but I have to admit that it stings. Part of me wants nothing more than to be in his arms again, and part of me wants nothing more than to finally get over him and move on. There are so many things about him that drive me insane and I don't think I could ever live with. But somehow I always wind up back with him. We've "broken up" so many times. We've tried the "just friends" gig unsuccessfully more times than I can count. A year after we broke up, we still don't know how to be friends.

I'd love to go on a date--with someone new. Be taken out and spoiled. Not spoiled financially, I don't care about money. But spoiled with courtesy, with affection, with courtship. I want to spend a wonderful night out on the town with that horribly awkward flirting that keeps the butterflies beating the hell out of each other in your stomach all night. I want to spend an evening with a man who expects nothing more than the possibility of a sweet, soft kiss at the end of the evening. I want to be romanced like the poetic voice of Thom's poetry. Someone like "Ryan" (a reference to Thom, NOT past mistakes). Is that so much to ask? Just a date, not a boyfriend, not a relationship, none of that stuff that bogs you down.

Oh well, I guess I should start paying attention in class. I'm sitting in a philosophy course with a professor I don't like, and yet my scholarship FORCES me to take these stupid one credit wastes of time. And then he makes the mistake of holding class in the computer lab. Blah! Hope everyone is having a terrific evening!

Last names- cont'd

So in class today we were talking about surveys and wording and a bunch of other psychological stuff. One example caught my attention. While President Clinton was in office they did an approval rating of the First Lady. When they ran the poll with Hillary Clinton they got much higher approval ratings than when they ran the poll with Hillary Rodham Clinton. Her maiden name made a significant difference. hmmm.....

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Last names

I've recently become obsessed with last names. Well, in the sense of marriage, publications, and professional identities. My psychology professor never took her husband's name because she was too well known by her maiden name. I asked her if she took it personally, away from the professional realm. She said that some people did, but that complicated things too much. She immediately saw through my questioning, which I hadn't yet realized there was something driving that line of questions.

With my plans to get my doctorate, I've thought about my name. I never want to be known by my father's last name. Ideally, it'd be nice to be married before I get my title, then I wouldn't have to worry about it. But, I'm certainly not holding my breath or making any judgements based on that. I recently talked to my mom about changing my name to her maiden name. I wouldn't mind giving her family that honor. I mentioned it to my professor today and she thought it was a terrific idea. I'm worried about what kind of repercussions an action like that might have on my dad's side of the family...the few that still pretend to talk to me. I tried to find out information about it and found some statues and such, but nothing speaking of a process or costs. My professor suggested I should bring it up to my family and ask for donations so I could do it as a graduation present.

It's a big step. But, it is definitely something I need to think about. Anyway, I'm exhausted! Goodnight, all!


Okay, it's now 4 hours past my bed time and the alarm will surely jolt me out of bed in four hours. My Cortés y Moctezuma essay is written, my Sor Juana Inés de la Cruz homework undone (but that should only take me a few minutes to complete, I've read and studied her so much), my two psychology articles are unread and unanalyzed. Overall, I'm very disappointed in myself. I've somehow managed to make it to my senior year and still lack study & time management skills. In an attempt to reclaim time I've somehow managed to loose, the following is my new set of restrictions:

  • No blogging (reading, posting, commenting) between the hours of 9am & 4pm
  • No AIM (no chatting, no excessive away message checking, no being on, PERIOD) between the hours of 9am & 4pm
  • No web access unless wholly necessary for SCHOOL work between the hours of 9am & 4pm
  • No phone conversations between the hours of 9am & 4pm
  • Limited social interaction with like-minded roommate between the hours of 9am & 4pm
  • None of the previous after 9am on Friday until 9am on Saturday
  • Saturdays-no restrictions
  • Sundays-limited use of vices listed above, with a focus on church and homework

This leaves me with an hour after work to do my web stuff in the morning and my evenings free to do my social activities (small group bible study, Spanish church choir, communication) and get to bed on time. I can't really do much work while working in the psychology lab on Saturday, anyway, so that's a good time to catch up. Sundays I'm usually busy with church and grocery shopping and Wal-mart runs and catching up with various family members.

I can't even begin to understand where my time is going, and if I lay out 9am-4pm as SCHOOL-only time, maybe I can regain some control over things. My homework is hopelessly stacked, my thesis materials untouched, my stress level through the roof, and panic has already set it. Dude, this is only the 5th week!!! We're only 1/3rd through this thing. If I don't change now, I'm going to DIE and never write my thesis.

You may be asking yourself why I chose to write this post rather than snag the few moments I have left before the morning arrives. That's an easy one. If I don't post this, make it public, known, then no one will know what I've decided and I can't be held accountable for my digressions. While I don't expect that anyone will be checking my post/comment times, I've told you all my plan and that makes it real and I have to stick to it.

It may take me awhile to catch back up. I'll continue to lurk in my "free time" and I'll work on adding all the great new sites I've come across in the past few days (this whole blogging thing is truly addictive). Good night, sleep tight, everyone!!!

Monday, September 19, 2005

I promise I'm writing my paper

After reading 5th Circle of Cubic Hell: The Procrastinator's Creed while not doing my SPN essay, I'm putting myself on restriction. I'm sorry guys, I've got to forbid myself from blogging for a bit to catch up on a ton of work that I'm so horribly behind on. I'll miss you guys; hopefully I'll be on good behavior and I'll get some of my privelages back soon! (Hey, my mom's not here, someone's got to punish me ;) )

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Jesus + Music + Spanish = 1 Happy Girl

So today I decided to break out of my beloved comfort zone. What gets accomplished by being comfortable? I love the church I go to. Well, they have a service in Spanish as well. I couldn't get any of my Spanish savvy friends to endeavor the Jesus thing. I chickened out of going by myself for a couple of weeks, but I really wanted to try it out. I figured it'd be the perfect opportunity for me to keep up with my precious language skills acquired this summer. So, today, after the really inspiring regular service, I returned, alone, to check out this whole Spanish thing.

I got there and immediately wanted to leave. The sanctuary was basically empty and everyone regarded me in English--white girl syndrome. By the time the first song was over, there were a lot more people and it felt like "home" again (by home I mean the Dominican Republic). It was so cool. After a bit their miniscule choir got up to sing. It was so small it was almost laughable, but their hearts were in it and it was really cool. Towards the end of the service I was feeling terrific. I knew I'd probably fight myself to go for at least the next few times, but I knew I'd be glad I did each time. Then the pastor mentioned that the choir would really like new/more members. My ears perked up. I don't think I've ever talked about it on here, but I went to a performing arts high school for vocal music. I probably could have made something of myself musically, but wasn't interested in engaging in the cut-throat, make it or die arena. My opportunities to sing since then have become more and more limited and are basically left to the time I'm in the car.

My first thought is,
well, the other choir practices on Wednesdays (when I've always had classes so I've never been able to join) so maybe these guys will have to practice another night! Sure enough, the next statement was that they practice at 7:30 on Thursday nights. SWEET!!! I recognized one of the lead singers/soloists from the regular service and approached her after the service to see what I could do about joining. First, she was overly impressed by my Spanish and couldn't believe I was a gringa through and through. That was an ego boost in itself. She introduced me to a few people including the choir director. He said to come next Thursday and we'll go from there. Then the soloist started taking me around and introducing me to various people. It was so cool!! She was super sweet.

I left church so excited I was crying. The whole thing was so incredible. It's so interesting to see how God works in our lives. So now I'm supposed to be writing my spn lit paper, but I'm took excited (and a good bit tired as well). I think I'll do the lesser homework that I was going to do tomorrow tonight and do the paper tomorrow. All I know is that I won't be doing any school work Thursday night...I've got plans!!!

Friday, September 16, 2005

Blah....that's all I got

I know people don't like complainers, but I'm venting today.

So my headaches are back, with full vengeance. So much for going to the chiropractor this summer. I guess I should have followed his advice and kept going, but I just couldn't afford it. Yesterday it was unbearable and I had to big the little girl I baby-sit to just sit quietly and watch TV for a bit before I made her dinner. Dinner seemed to help, but not fix it. By the time some of my slightly younger friends were coercing me to go to the "store" for them, I was still feeling crapy. However while wandering the isles of the small establishment, I spotted a little green bottle of melon bliss. My good friend Mr. Midori took the edge off just enough to enjoy the spontaneous however chill gathering that resulted from my trip to the store. After one drink and watching my roommate get both legs behind her head while screaming, "take the picture fast, owe this hurts," I went to bed.

This morning I woke up "late" since I didn't have to sit. I got up and ready and went to this "coffee with a professor" thing. It's more of a community thing. Every so often they have a professor give a very casual 20 minute talk in their area of expertise. My favorite professor was up today, speaking about a subject that I usually find overly interesting. I sat with the new clinical therapist and the Dean of my college. It seemed like a good idea, at first. Then I realized it was 8am on a Friday morning, I was in a room full of "older adults," and my professor wasn't saying anything I hadn't heard before. The whole thing was rather anticlimactic.

I came back to my room and my ex called. I'm really getting sick of him. For those of you just tuning in, our relationship is EXTREMELY dramatic--soap opera worthy. If you're interested in more of an explanation, feel free to check it out. So he was in Seattle for several weeks, spending time with his father. As I predicted, putting two stubborn bachelors in one house for a significant amount of time with neither one of them working was a BAD combination. I was there for him and tried to keep him from blowing an otherwise perfectly healthy relationship with a pretty incredible man. As soon as he got back in town, it was "Tina who?" I sent him a text message while he was at a friend's house asking him to call when he was leaving because I was having a rough night. The circumstances of my shitty mood aren't important. He called as I was dosing off so I was rather groggy when I answered the phone. He didn't give a shit that I was upset. He asked if I'd talked to someone else about it and I told him I'd just cried myself to sleep instead. His response was to change the subject. There's more, but basically, he was just being an uncaring ass. That was a week ago. Today he called and was all lovey dovey and cutsie voice and "oh, how was your week?" and just gag me. I'm so over the on again off again attitude. One minute he wants to restart our relationship, the next he just wants me back in bed, and the next he doesn't want a thing to do with me. ARGH!! They say girls are cryptic!

So then I call another friend of mine. This time I'm trying to figure out why his wife has been telling me that she's been sleeping on the couch for the past two weeks and why she says they've been talking about divorce. Knowing the drama queen nature of this particular friend, I figured I'd hear his side before coming to a conclusion about the whole thing. I felt so bad. Not only did I distract him from his work for about an hour, I frustrated him. Not at me, but by bringing up exhausting topics. When I hung up, his wife was online and IMing me. Oh lord. So I listened to her rant for awhile then begged out to make my lunch.

By now it's NOON and I still haven't touched any of the thesis research I'd promised myself I'd get done. So I eat a gigantic bowl of soup, so much that I actually made myself sick. Then I cleaned the living room from the activities from the night before and washed all the dishes.

By one my head was killing me, yet again, so I figured I'd lie down and rest for about an hour. I woke up feeling crappier than I had before I laid down. Nice. I had a quick thank you letter to write to turn in for my scholarship. Cleaned my room which had somehow COMPLETELY exploded. I figured I'd splurge and buy myself a soda. Maybe the caffeine and sugar would help. Do you think that even something as simple as that could go right?? Of course not. I decided against the cherry pepsi and went for the hard stuff. Mountain Dew. So I push the button, grab my soda, and promptly get distracted by a bulletin board. I mindlessly open the bottle and take a sip. Damn, I must be feeling bad, this tastes like shit. I chalk it up to weird taste buds and head for my room. When I finally look down, I realize that even though there's no button which offers Diet Mountain Dew, I've somehow managed to acquire it. I cannot stand the taste of aspertane. I figured I don't really need the calories anyway and I'll just suck it up and drink it. Well, as soon as I walked in the door I promptly DROPPED IT. That's terrific. Now I can't even drink it until later, which I know I won't do. Maybe I should just bust out the Midori that's in my fridge, that would make things ALL better!! Except that I really wanted to take a vicidin to rid me of this headache and am not interested in killer cocktails. Water's best for me anyway, I guess.

Oh, I was looking forward to my bike ride this afternoon (I bike to and from work). When I was turning in my thank you letter I saw the dooming black formations over head. So much for the prospect of physical activity and the rush of endorphins to help the mood.

So now that it's just about time for me to go pick up "my" child from aftercare, I realize that I've effectively WASTED my entire Friday, yet again. Terrific. Hope everyone is having a better day and I hope we all have terrific weekends.

J & Beaver....come back, I miss you!!

Thursday, September 15, 2005

More Pictures

I love that I finally figured out how to post pictures. Here's a few happy shots to bring smiles to your face (I hope!).

Yes, that's a blonde chick, in heels, changing a tire in less than 15 minutes, on the way to church! (and yes, that's me)

My god-daughter looking all cute and innocent!

Me and my god-daughter playing, after she played in the rain for a bit and had to be changed into dry clothes.

My boy, eating the happy meal toy I got in the Dominican Republic. And, yes, I do mean eating. The ears on that thing are significantly shorter and there's no other evidence (except maybe in the litter box).

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Phrase of the Day

So wrong, and yet, so poetic!

Oh please

I'm really not a Bush hater, not a lover either. But there comes a point where I just can't STAND his ignorance anymore. I sincerely hope this is a type-o. I found this quote while scanning some AOL news clips (which I think usually tends to favor Bush).

"My impression of New Orleans is this: that there is a recovery on the way," Bush said after riding through New Orleans in a truck with the governor and mayor.

I'm sorry, I just don't even know what this means. This man went to an Ivy league school?? I go to a state school that wishes it was Ivy league; you'd NEVER get away with writing, saying, even thinking something that grammatically incorrect. For starters, it's taken from the first time he got an upclose look at the damage. Ummm, hello, it's been TWO WEEKS!!! I don't know if I'm more sensitive because I'm from the home of the hurricanes or because I'm tapping into everyone else's frustration or what, but I'm certainly glad my church is stepping up to help since our president is acting like a buffoon!

Saturday, September 10, 2005

New Orleans (NO) relief issues

A family member forwarded this e-mail to me. I thought it was interesting. There is no trail and I copied ALL the information that was in the e-mail. I have no idea who wrote it and no idea of the validity. I post it here for entertainment and discussion value.

The truth is out there but the media cannot find it.

All of Nagin's pomp and posturing is going to bite him hard in the near future as the lies and distortions of his interviews are coming to light.

On Friday night before the storm hit Max Mayfield of the National Hurricane Center took the unprecedented action of calling Nagin and Blanco personally to plead with them to begin MANDATORY evacuation of NO and they said they'd take it under consideration. This was after the NOAA buoy 240 miles south had recorded 68' waves before it was destroyed.

President Bush spent Friday afternoon and evening in meetings with his advisors and administrators drafting all of the paperwork required for a state to request federal assistance (and not be in violation of the Posse Comitatus Act or having to enact the Insurgency Act). Just before midnight Friday evening the President called Governor Blanco and pleaded with her to
sign the request papers so the federal government and the military could legally begin mobilization and call up. He was told that they didn't think it necessary for the federal government to be involved yet. After the President's final call to the governor she held meetings with her staff to iscuss the political ramifications of bringing federal forces. It was decided that if they allowed federal assistance it would make it look as if they had failed so it was agreed upon that the feds would not be invited in.

Saturday before the storm hit the President again called Blanco and Nagin requesting they please sign the papers requesting federal assistance, that they declare the state an emergency area, and begin mandatory evacuation. After a personal plea from the President Nagin agreed to order an evacuation, but it would not be a full mandatory evacuation, and the governor still refused to sign the papers requesting and authorizing federal action. In frustration the President declared the area a national disaster area before the state of Louisiana did so he could legally begin some advanced preparations. Rumor has it that the President's legal advisers were looking into the ramifications of using the insurgency act to bypass the Constitutional requirement that a state request federal aid before the federal government can move into state with troops - but that had not been done since 1906 and the Constitutionality of it was called into question to
use before the disaster.

Throw in that over half the federal aid of the past decade to NO for levee construction, maintenance, and repair was diverted to fund a marina and support the gambling ships. Toss in the investigation that will look into why the emergency preparedness plan submitted to the federal government for funding and published on the city's website was never implemented and in fact may have been bogus for the purpose of gaining additional federal funding as we now learn that the organizations identified in the plan were never contacted or coordinating into any planning - though the document implies that they were.

The suffering people of NO need to be asking some hard questions as do we all, but they better start with why Blanco refused to even sign the multi-state mutual aid pack activation documents until Wednesday which further delayed the legal deployment of National Guard from adjoining states. Or maybe ask why Nagin keeps harping that the President should have commandeered 500 Greyhound busses to help him when according to his own emergency plan and documents he claimed to have over 500 busses at his disposal to use between the local school busses and the city transportation busses - but he never raised a finger to prepare them or activate them.

This is a sad time for all of us to see that a major city has all but been destroyed and thousands of people have died with hundreds of thousands more suffering, but it's certainly not a time for people to be pointing fingers and trying to find a bigger dog to blame for local corruption and
incompetence. Pray to God for the survivors that they can start their lives anew as fast as possible and we learn from all the mistakes to avoid them in the future.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Dominican Pics

This post is dedicated to Liquid Plastic, in honor of the Voice's LA heritage, and to inspire our Traveling Beaver as she sets out on a new journey. May all enjoy!!!

I finally got my pictures from my trip loaded on my computer. I picked some of the most fun photos to share!!

These are my boys, Manuel y Moises. Manuel is Mami's grandson. Moises is technically Mami's nephew, but she raises him as her son.

The next couple are from the capital, Santo Domingo.

This is Fortaleza de Osama. If you enlarge the picture, you might be able to see the people coming down the steps (look just above the diagonal lines). (The new pic in my profile, which looks much more like me, was taken at the top of the fortress)

Lake of suffering-- this was a beautiful lake underground in some caverns. It was weird, one minute you see buildings, then there's this area set aside for these caverns and underground lakes.

This was a waterfall we rode to on horseback one weekend. Everyone got in the water, but I decided to sit back on a rock and just enjoy the view.

The falls from the previous picture are visible in the lower left corner of this picture. This was the rest of the view. It was amazing to just take in all of God's glory. If you look close at the middle bottom of the picture, you can see the little kids that were our "guides" on the trip.

Hello, just chillin' here atop my horse!

Tiffany, Me, Moises, Manuel (in front) at Sousa Beach. Check out how clear the water is.

Jorgie y Manuel. Manuel passed out after a fun day at the beach. But before he did, he did the sweetest thing: Jorgie was riding in that seat so he could keep the van door open to give us some more air. Manuel reached around his dad and pulled the seatbelt over him and buckled him in before we took off (they hardly ever wear seatbelts). This is my favorite picture from my trip. You can see Jorgie's love for his son in his eyes.

After the beach we went to the river to rinse the salt and sand off before driving all the way home (an hour or two). Can you find me?? Just look for the white chick!

Me & Latosha feeding the stone man on campus

Tiffany, Papi, Mami, Me--the family, too bad my eyes are closed

Mami & me chilling on the balcony, this was our normal evening position. Well, that's only partly true. I'd sit there and Mami would run between smoking outside and peeking around the corner where her Soaps were on. The best times of the trip were spent on that balcony just chatting it up.