Sunday, July 31, 2005

Better Days...

My friend is doing better, so a heartfelt thanks goes out to all that were/are praying for her. The medicine they're trying seems to be working. I got to visit her on Saturday and saw a friend I haven't seen in years!! She was genuinely smiling, joking, laughing. It literally appeared as if a weight had been lifted off her shoulders/heart. Her problems at home aren't changing, not getting any better. Please continue to pray for her family as they need His guidance. She obviously wants to be released from the hospital, but at the same time she feels at peace there. In a way it makes me happy that she's finally found a touch of peace in this crazy world and in her crazier life. But then, she's not in the "real" world at the moment, the stresses of daily life cannot reach her. For now, I'll focus on the good while continuing to support and help her.

Again, I appreciate all the thoughts and prayers...keep them coming, we're not through this yet!

Mindless 2am conversations. . .

Me: cat just sneezed on my mom

Me: I'm not sure why that's hysterical right now

Fake-Doug: haha, I think cats sneezing...hell, I think any animal sneezing is hilarious

Fake-Doug: I'd like to see a giraffe sneeze

Me: eeewwwww

Fake-Doug: how does that even work?

Me: they're all slobbery as it is

Fake-Doug: is a giraffe sneezing like a bee sting? it can only do it once or something?

Fake-Doug: it'd be the world’s biggest headbang

Fake-Doug: these are the things I wonder

Me: wow

Fake-Doug: I've never even thought about that before right now

Fake-Doug: I must find the answer

Me: lol, good luck with that

Me: "so what did you do Saturday night?"

"I pondered giraffe sneezes online with a guy-I-used-to-know's about you??"

Fake-Doug: that's the start of a good conversation right there

Fake-Doug: screw getting drunk and going out, I've got important learning to do

Me: "important"

Fake-Doug: I don't know where to go from that, I'll be honest, lol


Fake-Doug: I like your writing, fyi

Me: ::blushes::

Me: thanks, I guess

Me: my professors don't like it

Fake-Doug: I don't know them, but they suck

Fake-Doug: I can't back that up

Me: I'll be sure to tell them that

Me: as they're reading and signing off on my thesis

Fake-Doug: tell them, "Some guy named Fake-Doug likes my blog, so kiss my ass"

Wanting more...

I've come to a point where I can't decide if he's for real or toying with me in an unspeakable way. It's always something; one thing after another. It all seems legit enough, except that it continually piles up: serious illness, loss of job... I can't figure out what to believe and what to question. How many broken promises does it take before I finally wake up and start to think that maybe it was one big lie all along?? (Quite a few apparently) How does a relationship go from absolutely incredible to absolutely horrible in the snap of a finger? I've never been treated so wonderfully as I was during the first 6 months of our relationship. Yet, I've never been treated so poorly as the final 6 months of our relationship. Why is it that I hang on so long after I know that it's over; why must I try to save it, fix it, make it happen when it's obvious it's over?

I'm stuck in this he at an incredibly horrendous place in life and I'm being an incredible bitch....or is it that he's an incredibly talented compulsive liar and I've been hanging onto every lie like a truth I've never found? But after a few not nasty, but not-so-nice, letters, wouldn't a real guy call to defend and make an attempt at ammends??

Oy, maybe it's just too late and I've run this through my head too many times. They say chicks are complicated; by damn, I'd like to see a straightforward guy!

Wednesday, July 27, 2005


Sometimes I wish I could just fix all the problems my loved ones are battling. I know I can't, but that doesn't ease the pain.

Once again, I am reaching out to my network of friends in family in the hopes of a miracle. Around 10:30 pm on Monday, my best friend attempted suicide. She was on the phone with a mutual friend who is currently living 1,000 miles away. He called me and I hopped in the car and sped over to her house. I sat with her as the paramedics examined her and took her mom to the hospital, trailing the ambulance. A stomach pump, some sleep, and 6 hours later she was released from the ER, but transferred to the psychiatric ward. I sat with her mom at the hospital until she was transferred. At that point we could no longer see or talk to her so after talking to a few more hospital employees, we decided we'd better get some rest. My friend has so much up against her. This is the second time this year she has attempted suicide, the second time she has been Baker Acted. The cards are really stacked against her and she's so lost and hurting. I ask for your prayers for her, her family, and for myself. She needs to heal; her family needs to heal and have strength to help her; and I need strength and comfort. We're all pretty weary at this point. So, if you could keep at least her in your prayers, I would greatly appreciate it.

Funny, I was as desperate as she is now at one point in my life. Yet, I'm still confused by her actions. I guess everyone else was confused by mine, then. I wish I could just get it through her abused little head that I love her as do many people in her life. I wish I could just hold her in my arms and make everything go away, although I know I can't. This is a battle she has to fight for herself. Perhaps I'll be able to hug her again this weekend during visiting hours. Until then, she'll rest in God's loving embrace.

Monday, July 25, 2005


There's something interesting about faith and the places you find it. I was out of the country for 6 weeks. During that time I was sitting in a catholic church in the Dominican Republic with a priest that spoke a Spain dialect of Spanish (basically the difference between American English and British English). I basically had no clue as to what was going on because I don't get Catholic services to begin with, even less when I can't understand what the dude's saying. Yet, somehow, through all of that, I felt the overwhelming presence of the Lord. It brought me to my knees and tears to my eyes.

Today, I'm sitting here, bumming around in my PJs, loving the fact that I'm home. I get online to play around and find one of my Mormon friends from my trip online. We were talking about things we'd brought back for our families and friends from the DR. I told him that I'd brought a bunch of bibles. He'd misunderstood a conversation we'd had about religion before and mistakenly thought I was something like Atheist. He was surprised to hear that this non-Christian girl would have brought back bibles for her family. I tried to explain to him that I was religious and that non-denominational had very little to do with nonbeliever. I told him that I was fairly certain that we shared many foundations of our beliefs, but that our end result of our speculation was where we differed. For quite awhile I tried to explain and defend my believe system. It's interesting that you often find your true beliefs when questioned and forced to explain yourself.

My religious life has always been a roller coaster. I'd go from believing to questioning to apathy and everywhere in between, time and time again. Despite all my searching, I never strayed away from the fact that there was a God. Just as the moon waxes and wanes, so has my faith. God presence is like the moon; even when I can't see it, I know it's there and when it's out in it's full brilliance and glory, I can't help but see it and stare in wonder and awe at it's beauty.

That's all I got. Kind of random, but then, that's just me!