Thursday, May 25, 2006

Stronger than some. . .

I got an e-mail today from someone who's never e-mailed me before. I looked at the e-mail address to see if I recognized who it was. I didn't, but the subject line told me enough to know it was a legit e-mail. The e-mail was complementary enough, but the message I got was more from the address than the body itself. The address was "strongerthansome." Some of you out there might recognize this address from Tom. While he seems to be referring to physical strength, it made me think about my various strengths. I'm stronger than some; sometimes I feel stronger than most; sometimes I feel stronger than very few. But I am strong.

I am strong willed. You can read this as motivated or bull headed. Both apply. I'm not about to let anything get in the way of my dreams, but I'm also pretty set on doing things my way with my own opinions.

I am strong physically. I hate when Kevin says, "let me get that so you don't hurt yourself." Yes, I know he's referring to my perpetual neck and back issues that give me tremendous headaches, but I tend to want to interpret it as, "you're a chick. Stand back and let a man take care of it."

I am strong emotionally. I am there for others even when I don't always want to be. I put my own need to be weak behind other's needs for me to be strong, most notably my mother. I guess this is probably not a terrible trait since I want to be a clinical pyschologist.

I am strong scholastically. I don't let myself think, let alone say, this one often. I'm so afraid of offending and/or sounding big headed. But, damn it, I graduated from 1 of 4 true honors colleges in the country with a 3.5 GPA.

I am strong spiritually. This one waxes and wanes a bit. But, it doesn't ever disappear. I fully believe that Christ died to save me and that He (the whole trinity) are always with me. Though I do things I know that aren't the best, I'm finally learning what unconditional love means.

I am a strong lover. No, that's not what I mean; though I'll neither accept or deny that compliment. I throw all of myself into a relationship. Perhaps this is bad, but I don't go at things half-heartedly. I take dinner to my boyfriend when he's stuck at school, I meet him for lunch, I plan things that he'd love to do, I'm strong when he needs to be weak, I'm weak when he needs to be strong. I put all of my heart into it, and this time, I've found someone who has, too.

I am a strong friend. I won't let my friends disillusion themselves. I'll be a bitch if that's what they need me to be. I'm not going to sit back and let them pretend that everything's fine if it isn't. I won't give up either. I've often said (half jokingly) "all of my friends have issues!" If you think about it, we all have issues. I take it as a sign of confidence and trust that I know many of my friend's deepest issues that they tend not to share.

See, I am strong, stronger than some. There will always be days when I feel more and/or less strong in each of these categories. Stronger than most? Sometimes. Stronger than none? Rarely. Stronger than some. Yeah. Usually. What about you? How are you stronger than some?

Friday, May 19, 2006

Is this the real world?

"I really do believe that all of you are at the beginning of a wonderful journey. As you start traveling down that road of life, remember this: There are never enough comfort stops. The places you're going are never on the map. And once you get that map out, you won't be able to refold it no matter how smart you are.

So forget the map, roll down the windows, and whenever you can, pull over and have a picnic with a pig. And if you can help it, never fly as cargo." ~ Kermit the Frog

Life at home is going well. I just got my first big girl bed, graduating from a twin to a queen, and have finally started moving into the bedroom that's been labeled mine for the past 3 years (I never really moved into this bedroom when my mom bought this house 3 years ago). I've got a sweet setup with babysitting for several families on a regular schedule all summer long, with housesitting and date nights thrown in as a bonus. I've got an interview with USF scheduled, and my mom and I are getting along swimmingly. Kevin's great as usual. Life is good.

Thursday, May 11, 2006


the honest survey

1. honestly, what color is your underwear?
purple stripes

2. honestly, what's on your mind right now?
my poor kitty who just got flea goo on his shoulders and his first flea collar, he's not happy

3. honestly, what are you doing right now?
duh, filling out this survey

4. honestly, what did you do today?
Woke up late, talked on the phone, took a shower, went to lunch with my boyfriend, ran some errands, nothing special

5. honestly, do you think you are attractive?
not particularly, though I'm told I am...I try to believe it, but I usually fail

6. honestly, have you done something bad today?
my kitty thinks so

7. honestly, do you watch the disney channel?
I don't really do TV

8. honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?
not that I'm aware throws us all different circumstances and situations...we all make the best of it with what we're given

9. honestly, what makes you happy most of the time?
hugs, and Kevin...combined or separately

10. honestly, do you bite your nails?
not really. I try to use my teeth as nail files when one tears, though.

11. honestly, what is your mood right now?
sleepy, and lazy

12. honestly, have you had an eating disorder?
nope, I'm chunky

13. honestly, do you want to see someone this very minute?

14. honestly, do you have a deep dark secret?
I'm not good at keeping my own secrets. Perhaps it's because I'd rather get everything out than keep it all in.

15. honestly, do you hate someone right now?
hate is a strong word. I try not to go that route, but sometimes fail. I don't think anyone tops that list at the moment, though.

16. honestly, who/what do you want to hug right now?
Kevin, or anyone else willing...I'm a hug slut ;)

17. honestly, are you loyal?
annoyingly so

18. honestly, are you in denial?
why would I admitt it if I was, isn't that kinda of oxymoronic?

19. honestly, would you rather be having sex right now?
nah, I'm waiting, and Kevin's totally cool with that.

20. honestly, do you like someone?
have you been reading?

21. honestly, does someone like you right now?
I try to convince myself that he loves me. I have a hard time believing it because of my own insecurities, which frustrates him.

22. honestly, do you smoke weed?
nope, never have, and I don't forsee myself ever doing it

23. honestly, do you do drugs?
nope, never have, and I don't forsee myself ever doing it

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

It's over...

So, I graduated. Here's proof!

I still don't know where I'm going to grad school. I haven't heard from USF, though I should soon. I'm getting rather apathetic about making a decision. I'm so over it all.

I'm home. I'd planned on getting a job as soon as I got here. The first place I applied was so overly excited at the prospect of me working there (a server at a nice restaurant), then told me that I was one of 6 or 7 applicants applying for 1 position. I'd be moving on to the second round of interviews, but that didn't give me much encouragement. I've already basically accepted a summer babysitting gig, thing. The only problem is that it doesn't start for over a month. They need me to help a couple hours a day, a couple days a week for the next two weeks. I'm a sucker and agreed. But that really makes gaining employment more difficult. I don't really know what to do. I really need a good amount of money to flow in to make up for shitty employment (read shitty paychecks) this past year and not working last summer. Plus, I need to save up for grad school, particularly if I'm going to Colorado.

I always have a hard time when I come home. I expect that everyone will drop everything and spend time with me. I mean, I'm finally home and I've waited so long to see everyone and spend time with everyone. They say they've all missed me. I understand these expectations are unrealistic. Life goes on here, just as it had before I left, while I was gone, and now that I'm back. I suppose if I had something to occupy myself, I'd be better. Kevin's occupied with school and work. He's upset about one of his classes this semester and he's very tired, as always. Last night he was really cranky, and I got my feelings hurt. I tried to tell myself that I'd done the same thing, if not worse to him so many times over the past 6 months. It helped a little, but... I wanted to meet him for lunch today. He's got a test tonight, so he needs to spend his lunch hour studying. No lunch out. I called my best friend. She's just gotten back in town from a few days of vacation. Maybe she'd want to have lunch. Nope, she's going out with her fiancee for lunch (the same guy she's spent the last several days hiding with). My psycho friend is doing better, but I'm still her only friend, so she feels I should spend all of my time with her. She exhausts me. I love her to death, but I cannot allow much time with her. I'm afraid it will pull me down as it did last summer. Another one of my friend's is reverting to previous behavior that drove us apart for a stint. Welcome home, Tina. I feel like it would be better if I'd never come home. Perhaps I should go to Colorado for school. I wouldn't be missed. At least that's how it feels right now.

Somehow, I already miss being at school. I miss being occupied: schoolwork, work, friends always ready to hang out, talk, grab dinner.

Oh, I figured I'd be all excited to be done. Instead I'm mopey. I guess I'll get back to reading for pleasure. I do enjoy it, I just wish I had something more than that to do. I guess I'm never happy. Uff! Happy Hump Day!


Okay, so I forgot that Beaver tagged me. Though the mental image of a beaver reaching up and swatting at a cricket and running away in a game of tag is rather amusing.

If you have been tagged, you are to come up with 7 qualities of your perfect lover. Do specify the gender. Then list down, and tag, seven other bloggers on their pages. If you've been tagged, you need not do this again.

Gender: Male (duh!).

So here we go: (in poetic form, if you please...)

1) While playing dumb may be cute,
being dumb cannot follow suit.

2) Even if driving makes to prone to road rage,
during a fight, you must act your age!

3) I tend to fall apart when I stress,
so you must be strong enough to hold together the mess.

4)While I used to say romance was merely a plus,
I've now been spoiled and it is a must!

5)It's only half for you to offer me your love,
you must realize our relationship is a gift from Above.

6) Though Aretha may need you figure out R-E-S-P-E-C-T,
I demand that you KNOW what it means to me.

7) You must figure out how to make me melt with just your eyes,
and not assume you've got a free ticket to get between my thighs! ;)

I'm so glad my sweet, sweet Kevin has all of these down pat. He's really a terrific guy. I'm going to skip the tagging of others, since I don't think I've got readers regular enough to play along (through my lack of regular posting). But if you'd like to play along, let me know!

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

So surreal

It's all done. Thesis is in, exams taken, papers written. At some point, it will hit me that I am done with my undergraduate work. I have done what it takes to earn an honors BA. I'm finally going to get some sleep and read the book Kevin gave me for Christmas. Thanks for all the love and support!!

As a side note, I was batpized at my church on Sunday. It was pretty exciting. Though I didn't expect anything to be different, I awoke this morning with a new sense of love and belonging, a calming presence. Pretty neat.

Sweet dreams, world!