Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Pack Rat

Okay, I always knew I was a pack rat, but I never really realized how true that really was. I don't think there's a school paper, McDonald's toy, or any other random artifact from the time I was 15 (when I moved in with my mom) until now that I HAVEN'T thrown out. I went through BOXES and BOXES of shiznit!! Happy memories, sad memories, bittersweet, and stuff I can't for the live of me remember what significance it might have had at one point in time. It's amazing what your room looks like when you've never really lived in it. I mean, of course this is my home and I spend a total of a couple months a year here, but we moved into this house after I started college. Every time I come home, I just pile my school boxes ontop of the unpacked moving boxes. I wonder what it's going to be like when I try to move out. . . completely. If all goes according to plan, I'll find out this time next year.

I think the most interesting thing I found was MY PASSPORT!!!! That just might come in handy when I leave the country next week, maybe. Apparently the 17 year-old me decided I was going to be grown up and hold on to it myself instead of letting my mom keep it with my SS card, birthcertificate, ya know important stuff. It's been officially missing since December. Well, somehow it wound up in a box of highschool graduation stuff--the last place I would have thought to look. It's a good thing I pulled that box off the top shelf of my closet and decided to go through ALL my boxes. Apparently it's been missing since summer of 2002...go figure!

I'm finally getting over this cold, YAY!! Talked to Tracy now that he's back in Parker, where they actually have cell towers. The mountains may be beautiful (and have hospitals short on cardiac staff) but they aren't much for helping people stay in touch.

Time for a full week!! So much fun followed by getting ready to go far, far away!!
Oceans apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain

Sunday, May 29, 2005

How do you let go?

So my mom and I decided to rent movies since we're both the epitome of health. We wanted feel-good, chick flicks or comedy or something not depressing. "A Time for Dancing" does not fit any of these categories; although if you read the back, it would appear that it does. Instead of being a teeniebopper film about dreams of Julliard and coming-of-age and stuff, it's a deeply depressing movie about cancer and death. NOT exactly what I need to be watching. A movie about overcoming the doom of cancer, maybe. The best friend of the dead chick was all calm and accepting and actually was freed by her death. Ummm...I've never heard of death freeing someone other than the dead one.

Anyway, it puts into sharp relief events awaiting me. Life is so short as it is. Sometimes we know death is coming, sometimes it's a surprise. I'm not sure which is worse. When it's a surprise, it's tragic and horrible. But when you wait for it to come...it's torture. I don't know at what point I stopped waiting for it to take Katelyn, and at what point I just let myself love her and enjoyed every moment I was with her. When will I reach that point again?? When will I let go and love every moment instead of dreading the last?

It's hard to imagine that it was only a year ago that I was breaking out of a suffocating relationship, vowing not to get involved with anyone. Then a summer of fun, friendship, and new adventures. It was then that I realized no amount of will or wishing can change the course of two people finding each other. Now I'm trying to figure out how to get myself back into the arms of an incredible man. Not that he wouldn't give anything to hold me, but 2,000 miles makes for a hell of a commute.

It's going to be hard...learning how to breathe again, learning how to smile again, learning how to feel alive again. But, I'll have to...somehow I'll figure it out.

My cousin and I were talking recently. Here's an approximation of our conversation:
"I think things are more serious than I've let on."
"Answer me one question: 'If you did get together, would you remarry after he was gone'"
::long pause::
"I really just don't know. I'd like to think that'd I'd find someone else so I wouldn't spend my life alone, but I can't possibly imagine finding someone who could live up to the standards he sets"
"Yeah, things are definitely more serious than you've let on."
Honestly, I don't know whether that conversation frightened or comforted me. So the same question arises...where do I/we go from here??

Fever Induced Dribble

You'll have to forgive me, I'm new at this whole posting thing, and I have a fever--a rare event for me. This will probably wind up being a place for me to vent and explode at times, so please understand, this is my release valve on life. I titled the blog "Just Breathe" because sometimes I forget that. My professors are known for gentling reminding me: "respira, Tina, respira."

I've watched many friends change over the past year. Of all of them, I think I've changed the most. I've watched some friends become engaged (for better or worse), some get married, some get pregnant, some give birth, and some, I've had to sit idly by while their boyfriends abused them. It's a weird place in life that I've found myself. Not really ready to let go of being a "kid" but not really ready to handle all that life has to throw in my face. I suppose with Tracy, I don't really have much of an option. It's all right there...LIFE and the very real ending of such.

But really, I need to give this antiquated hunk of metal a rest and get myself to bed...Hopefully I won't awake with a fever!!

G'night all!

I'm not supposed to love you,
I'm not supposed to care,
I'm not supposed to live my life wishing you were there,
I'm not supposed to wonder where you are and what to do,
I'm sorry I can't help myself,
I'm in love with you