Sunday, May 29, 2005

How do you let go?

So my mom and I decided to rent movies since we're both the epitome of health. We wanted feel-good, chick flicks or comedy or something not depressing. "A Time for Dancing" does not fit any of these categories; although if you read the back, it would appear that it does. Instead of being a teeniebopper film about dreams of Julliard and coming-of-age and stuff, it's a deeply depressing movie about cancer and death. NOT exactly what I need to be watching. A movie about overcoming the doom of cancer, maybe. The best friend of the dead chick was all calm and accepting and actually was freed by her death. Ummm...I've never heard of death freeing someone other than the dead one.

Anyway, it puts into sharp relief events awaiting me. Life is so short as it is. Sometimes we know death is coming, sometimes it's a surprise. I'm not sure which is worse. When it's a surprise, it's tragic and horrible. But when you wait for it to come...it's torture. I don't know at what point I stopped waiting for it to take Katelyn, and at what point I just let myself love her and enjoyed every moment I was with her. When will I reach that point again?? When will I let go and love every moment instead of dreading the last?

It's hard to imagine that it was only a year ago that I was breaking out of a suffocating relationship, vowing not to get involved with anyone. Then a summer of fun, friendship, and new adventures. It was then that I realized no amount of will or wishing can change the course of two people finding each other. Now I'm trying to figure out how to get myself back into the arms of an incredible man. Not that he wouldn't give anything to hold me, but 2,000 miles makes for a hell of a commute.

It's going to be hard...learning how to breathe again, learning how to smile again, learning how to feel alive again. But, I'll have to...somehow I'll figure it out.

My cousin and I were talking recently. Here's an approximation of our conversation:
"I think things are more serious than I've let on."
"Answer me one question: 'If you did get together, would you remarry after he was gone'"
::long pause::
"I really just don't know. I'd like to think that'd I'd find someone else so I wouldn't spend my life alone, but I can't possibly imagine finding someone who could live up to the standards he sets"
"Yeah, things are definitely more serious than you've let on."
Honestly, I don't know whether that conversation frightened or comforted me. So the same question arises...where do I/we go from here??

1 comment:

  1. Ok, so now the rest of us are clued in more than we thought before. I guess i knew, but in some respects was unable to comprehend, having never gone through it myself. Being in a close relationship is an amazing thing learning to let go and just love for the pure romance and joy of loving is a completely different amazing. Let go live Tina live. live for those of us who are terrified of living, live for those of us have screwed up to far to simply and carefreely live. Live and love for those who fate toke their chances. We all love and support. Never be afraid.

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