Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Holiday Transition!

So Christmas is over...sigh.... I had a wonderful holiday.

Things started a little early, sort of. One night, a few days before Christmas, Kevin and I were cuddling. Kind of suddenly he got this look in his eye. There was something on his mind, something he wanted to say. "Whatcha thinking?" Silence. Hmmmm, usually I get "nothing" or what he's actually thinking. "Something's going on upstairs." Silence. Quietly, "tell me." He starred at me for a few moments and I could tell he was trying to figure out whether to tell me what he was thinking or blatantly lie and have me know that he was lying. At first I thought nothing of the situation, but as he vacillated, I began to worry. We are extremely open with each other. What could he possibly have to say that he would be uncertain of?? But then, he dropped the "L bomb." I was NOT expecting that to come out of his mouth, but I do have to say I was pleasantly surprised. I kissed him for a long time trying to figure out if I was going to laugh or cry and what I should say in response. There was only one logical response: "I love you, too." It was probably one of the sweetest, most tender moments I've ever experienced. After all the bullshit I've gone through with the males in my past, I can honestly say that I do, indeed, love Kevin. (dude, I'm giddy just typing about it)

Saturday, my mom, Kevin, and I packed up and headed to the other side of the state (3.5 hours) to go to Christmas Eve service at my
church (near school). They had a SPECTACULAR service full of Christmas music, lights, and candles. We all had a really terrific time. Then it was back in the car to head back to St. Pete in time for Midnight Mass with his mom. By this point we were getting rather tired as the day was getting longer. While his mom is catholic, I think it'd be a stretch to consider him so. Still, we were both prepared to do the sit, kneel, stand thing that is expected in Midnight Mass. Well, about half way through, his niece (4 years old) was getting restless and her mom (with one child already asleep on her lap) was getting annoyed. So, I took Alana and she quickly fell asleep on my lap. This meant that of the four adults there, only two weren't pinned to the pews. Kevin tried his best to go through the motions, but the poor guy was falling asleep. He kept dropping his head and I'd poke him in the side: "I'm praying." "They don't pray to the sleep gods in this church."

Then it was to our separate houses to wait for Santa and rest up for the next day's activities. He spent the day with his family and I spent the day with my mom. We woke up late and opened the few presents under the tree with deliberate sloth. Then she made some breakfast, that even she admitted was nasty, and we watched a few episodes of my newly aquired Lois & Clark DVD set (first season). Then we decided that regardless of us being in FL we were going to have a white christmas. So, off to the beach we went. We finished up the evening with dinner and more Lois & Clark. Later, my mom agreed I could call Kevin and he could come over for a bit. We'd originally agreed that there would be no Kevin on Christmas so that we could spend some quality time together.

Time for more presents!!! I can honestly say I was not expecting the kind of thoughtfulness and care that went into my gifts from him. First I opened lotion and body spray in my FAVORITE scent of all time. We'd gone shopping with his brother and stopped in Bath and Body Works to pick up something for his fiancee. Of course I wandered over to the testers of my favorite scent and being that we're attached at the hip, Kevin was at my heels. Next was a book. Wicked, as in the Broadway musical. On his birthday (Sat after Thanks) we'd been wandering the mall when I saw Wicked advertised as playing in the area. However, the dates wouldn't work at all. Since he couldn't buy me tickets, he figured he'd get me the book instead. Then there was this picture display thing. It had a picture of us, a goofy picture of him he'd sent to me one night when I was stressed and upset, and a picture of me holding my god-daughter at dinner a week or so ago. By this point I was dumbfounded and grinning like a maniac. Last, there was a beautiful silver watch with small, tasteful diamonds on the quarter hour. It's quite lovely and much nicer than anything I would have picked out myself. As I am rather short on cash this holiday season, my presents for him were far less showy. I bought him a steamer basket to make fresh, steamed vegetables. It was more or less a joke because he refused to eat green beans until I steamed them and put a bit of butter and salt on them, then made him try them. Now he likes green beans. Then I gave him a shadow box full of sand from the beach we went to on our second date and the beach we went to for his birthday (I went to each beach and collected sand and shells). I had mixed the sand with glue, drew a heart, wrote "T + K" in the heart, and put shells around the edges. Lastly, he opened a large picture frame I had filled with picture of me, him, us, the fire we'd made the first time we met, and the sunset from his birthday. Apparently, one of the pictures of me is his favorite picture of me--lucked out with that one.

Since my mom and Kevin both had the day off Monday and all three of us have been wanting to go to Disney, we all hopped into the car and headed to Orlando for the day. It was so much fun!! We took lots of pictures.
Here are the ones Disney took. The whole way there and throughout the day I kept tapping Kevin, "Guess what!" "What?" "We're going/at Disney!" About half way through the day I was looking the other way on the bus transport between parks when I felt a tap on my hand, "Guess what!" "What?" "I love you." AWWWWW it was the sweetest thing!! We both started giggling and my mom asked what we were laughing about. Two guilty "nothings" were her only response. She just rolled her eyes and let it go.

I've had a terrific few days. I'm floating on cloud 9 as we head toward the beginning of a new year. I could pretend to make new year resolutions, but does that really work for anyone?? I'll continue to try to loose weight, continue to try to not procrastinate, and continue to try to give up Cherry Pepsi. Will it work this year?? Who knows, but I'm not holding my breath until it does!!

I hope all of you had a TERRIFIC holiday season!!

Much love to one and all!!

Monday, December 19, 2005


In light of the season, here's my Christmas post.

First, I'd like to say this is the HOLIDAY season. The holidays I choose to celebrate this time of year are Christmas (both secularly and Christianly) and New Years. I'm VERY over this whole huge debate thing going on across the country. Yes, I believe Jesus is the reason for part of the season. But, it's a time of year about coming together and being happy and frisky in the cold air and laughing and celebrating a terrific year gone by and a new one just beginning. I really wish everyone would get their panties out of a wad and just enjoy themselves. As for me, I'll respond favorably to Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, or whatever other happy greeting you'd like to issue. No, I don't celebrate Hanukkah, but I'll smile if you wish me a happy one. If you wished me a happy Kwanzaa, I might look at you funny, but only because of my impossibly whiteness, not because of offense.

In high school I used to perform in
Disney's Candlelight Processional at Epcot. I loved this tradition. Since I've graduated, I've gone back as many years as finances allow. Kevin talked about taking me this year, but I'm not sure that's going to work out. If you take a look at the picture in the link above, we're all convinced I'm in it. Just above center, you can't see my mouth. My mom pointed it out and Kevin (who didn't know me then, nor has ever seen this event) swears it's me. It's shot from the correct side of the stage to be me as well.

Around October, I start getting into the mood for Christmas music. Most think I'm crazy, but you see, I went to a performing arts high school. Every year, around October, we'd hit the Christmas music hard to get it learned so we could start perfecting and fine tuning it before performances started (usually as early as the weekend of Thanksgiving). The music of the season really makes it for me.

Then there's the Christmas tree. The tree in our house is always real. We string multi-colored lights on it, then bust out the ornaments. My mom and I keep our ornaments separate. Each year my mom and my grandmother give me an ornament. Sometimes they mean something in particular, but usually they're just special because of the tradition. When my mom got married at 17, neither she nor my father had anything to put on their tree the first few years and no money to buy anything. There are other ornaments from trips we've taken or major events throughout the years. Decorating the tree takes several hours of Christmas music, laughing, sharing memories, and a few glasses of eggnog. This year my mom wanted me to put all my ornaments on the tree. As a result, not all of hers would fit. We laughed, bitter-sweetly, as we commented that I would have enough ornaments for my own tree. As I was telling
Snavy, there's on more tradition involving the tree. Each year, my mom and I get a Make-A-Wish ornament from Things Remembered. Next year, I want to start a smaller tree with just those ornaments. The last part of the tree is the angel. My mom buys me an angel every year. When I was younger, she bought me a tree topper angel. Every year there's a "fight" over whose angel gets to grace the top of our tree. We can never remember whose was up last year and whose should be up this year.

Last night we baked press cookies. Another tradition.

This year is so bittersweet. This may be my last Christmas at home, really at home. Sure I'll be home for Christmas in the years to come, but this is probably the last time I'll be living at home for the holidays. I really do think this is my favorite time of year.

Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, and joyful celebrations of all kinds to one and all!


Alas, I cannot make myself do my school work. I will be kicking myself for this shortly, as my first assignment is due by Christmas Eve- a 10 page paper in Spanish on an epic poem that I'm really not excited about (probably because I need to read it again to actually get it). I've read the poem, once, and read some supplementary material. However, I'm completely unmotivated and there's not a single word typed, for the paper that is. I've been really trying to limit my activities so that I'm not procrastinating as horribly, hence the lack of posting. Yet, I find myself just starring into space instead.

I just want to enjoy my break like everyone else!!!

A wise person once said,

"Procrastination is like masterbation. It feels good at first but in the end you're just f'ing yourself."

Too bad I never listen! OY!

Friday, December 09, 2005

Application Essay

I'm working on my grad school applications today. I've got them pretty much complete, just tweaking my essays according to professors' reccomendations. The first essay I wrote is my favorite. It seemed appropriate to post it here, in my mini-forum of me.

Describe someone you know, about whom you have strong ambivalent, conflicting, or negative feelings.

Growing up, I was Daddy’s little girl. My parents got divorced when I was two and my dad received full custody of my brother and me. I strived to do everything I could to make my daddy proud of me. I was a perfect angel at school and tried hard to behave at home. Somehow, I always fell a little short. I would do every problem on my homework and try to get along with my step-mother and step-sister. At the end of the day I was just a disappointment to my father. I always was striving for something more, some unrealistic goal to make him proud of me. My brother failed him when he was 16 and moved out of the house. It was all left to me to be Daddy’s prized child. I loved my daddy so much; I just had to be perfect for him.

I tried to be perfect for my father until I was 15. I had come to realize he was using me. I was only as good to him as my grades were, only as valuable as his bragging rights. I still loved him, but was starting to have trouble liking him. As the days passed, life became more confusing and difficult. I couldn’t stand living under his control and emotional abuse.

Finally, the day came when I had to decide whether I was going to break or overcome. I can’t even tell you what it was about now, but I upset my father. He raised his hand as if he was going to back hand me. I starred back at him, calmly denying his anger. He lowered his hand and I walked away.

That night he worked on household chores he’d been promising to do for me, for example setting up a window ledge for my kittens. He did several things that night. Each time he rhetorically asked, “What a good Daddy am I? What other Daddy would do such nice things for you? Aren’t you so lucky?” I remember recognizing those lines from so many times before, so many “make-ups” for an evening gone horribly wrong.

I visited my mother a month or so later for summer vacation. She knew I was struggling with the decision to move in with her or return to live with my father. When my brother moved out at 16 years old, my father disowned him and never spoke to him again. I could only expect the same response if I chose to leave. I was stuck. I could either have him in my life but have no life worth living, or have a fuller life but without him in it. I knew the decision I had to make, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. My mother took the decision out of my hands and applied for emergency custody of me. While she had made the legal moves to keep me with her, we all knew the decision was ultimately mine.

Six years have passed since that summer. Six years since he has spoken to me. I love him. I always will; he’s my father. But I hate the man he’s become; I hate the pain he continues to put me through. Over the years I’ve sent presents, cards, graduation announcements, letters about my life, and even made phone calls. Sometimes I simply get no response; sometimes I hear his voice telling me I have the wrong number; and sometimes he simply puts the packages, unwrapped, in a new container and mails them back to me. Each little insult hurts, stabs at me. Yet, I can’t help but love the man he could be.

His father didn’t give him a very good example to learn from. From as far back as the stories will take me, the fathering males in my family have always set a hard course for their children to follow. Love has always had a price; shunning has always been a real consequence. My grandfather is a tough man who worked hard to provide for his family. He showed his love by putting food on the table and a roof over their heads. He held his standards high for his children. It comes as no surprise that his youngest son would adopt these behaviors as well. My grandfather abandoned his eldest daughter after she defied him. My father sees my actions as defying him, as he told me himself the last time we spoke. It’s understandable that he would impose the same “punishment” on his me for my transgression as his father imposed on his daughter. He has learned from the example his father provided.

He did love me; maybe he still does. I understand he just doesn’t know how to love me and how to deal with the pain I have unwillingly imposed upon him. He gave me life and he loved me the best he could for the first 15 years of my life. For that I owe him my love and respect, even if I don’t like the person he is today.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

'Cause I have nothing better to do

Birthday:March 13
Birthplace:St. Petersburg, FL
Current Location:Jupiter, FL
Eye Color:Blue, green, whatever they want to be today
Hair Color:Dirty blonde
Right Handed or Left Handed:Right
Your Heritage:Pastey White Cracker
The Shoes You Wore Today:Flip flops (in FL duh!)
Your Weakness:I care too much
Your Fears:failure & rejection
Your Perfect Pizza:Papa John's peperoni with garlic sauce
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:Finish my grad apps and get a half way decent start on my thesis
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:lol
Thoughts First Waking Up:I miss him
Your Best Physical Feature:I'm told my ass, but I'm not very fond of myself
Your Bedtime:early-ish, whenever I fall asleep on the phone
Your Most Missed Memory:High School, performing
Pepsi or Coke:Cherry Pepsi
MacDonalds or Burger King:Taco Bell!!
Single or Group Dates:depends on the mood
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:BARF
Chocolate or Vanilla:Mint Chocolate Chip
Cappuccino or Coffee:Frufru frozen drinks with practically no coffee in them
Do you Smoke:HELL NO!!!
Do you Swear:see above
Do you Sing:not nearly as often as I'd like
Do you Shower Daily:eh, sometimes
Have you Been in Love:I'm not sure
Do you want to go to College:finishing up undergrad and applying to grad schools
Do you want to get Married:yes, eventually
Do you belive in yourself:no
Do you get Motion Sickness:YES
Do you think you are Attractive:no
Are you a Health Freak:no
Do you get along with your Parents:my mom yes, my dad doesn't talk to me
Do you like Thunderstorms:Love them!
Do you play an Instrument:I can pretend to play the piano
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:I don't think so
In the past month have you Smoked:NO!!
In the past month have you been on Drugs:NO!!
In the past month have you gone on a Date:Yes!! ::blushes::
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:unfortunately
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:no, but that doesn't sound like a bad idea
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:BARF
In the past month have you been on Stage::'( No
In the past month have you been Dumped:Luckily, no
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:no
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:no
Ever been Drunk:no
Ever been called a Tease:uh, yeah, oops!
Ever been Beaten up:no
Ever Shoplifted:no
How do you want to Die:happy and fulfilled
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:Child Clinical Psychologist
What country would you most like to Visit:Dominican Republic, I miss Mami



Exams are over!!!!

At about noon today I didn't think I had an ounce of energy left in my body. By about 12:15, with my last Spn lit exam ever (at the HC) turned in, I had more energy than I knew what to do with.

Granted, I have to stick around until tomorrow night and give a final presentation (which I have yet to create, oops) and I have two incomplete grades for the semester...but as for the present, I'm SO DONE!!!

I told Kevin nothing could effect me, nothing at all!! You could tell me my dog died and I wouldn't care. He reminded me that I don't have a dog. Then why
should I care?

Ahhh, life is good. I think I might just take a nap. Novel idea, isn't it??

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Happy HNT!!

Since I actually have a pic of me, I figured I'd play along this week!!