Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Holiday Transition!

So Christmas is over...sigh.... I had a wonderful holiday.

Things started a little early, sort of. One night, a few days before Christmas, Kevin and I were cuddling. Kind of suddenly he got this look in his eye. There was something on his mind, something he wanted to say. "Whatcha thinking?" Silence. Hmmmm, usually I get "nothing" or what he's actually thinking. "Something's going on upstairs." Silence. Quietly, "tell me." He starred at me for a few moments and I could tell he was trying to figure out whether to tell me what he was thinking or blatantly lie and have me know that he was lying. At first I thought nothing of the situation, but as he vacillated, I began to worry. We are extremely open with each other. What could he possibly have to say that he would be uncertain of?? But then, he dropped the "L bomb." I was NOT expecting that to come out of his mouth, but I do have to say I was pleasantly surprised. I kissed him for a long time trying to figure out if I was going to laugh or cry and what I should say in response. There was only one logical response: "I love you, too." It was probably one of the sweetest, most tender moments I've ever experienced. After all the bullshit I've gone through with the males in my past, I can honestly say that I do, indeed, love Kevin. (dude, I'm giddy just typing about it)

Saturday, my mom, Kevin, and I packed up and headed to the other side of the state (3.5 hours) to go to Christmas Eve service at my
church (near school). They had a SPECTACULAR service full of Christmas music, lights, and candles. We all had a really terrific time. Then it was back in the car to head back to St. Pete in time for Midnight Mass with his mom. By this point we were getting rather tired as the day was getting longer. While his mom is catholic, I think it'd be a stretch to consider him so. Still, we were both prepared to do the sit, kneel, stand thing that is expected in Midnight Mass. Well, about half way through, his niece (4 years old) was getting restless and her mom (with one child already asleep on her lap) was getting annoyed. So, I took Alana and she quickly fell asleep on my lap. This meant that of the four adults there, only two weren't pinned to the pews. Kevin tried his best to go through the motions, but the poor guy was falling asleep. He kept dropping his head and I'd poke him in the side: "I'm praying." "They don't pray to the sleep gods in this church."

Then it was to our separate houses to wait for Santa and rest up for the next day's activities. He spent the day with his family and I spent the day with my mom. We woke up late and opened the few presents under the tree with deliberate sloth. Then she made some breakfast, that even she admitted was nasty, and we watched a few episodes of my newly aquired Lois & Clark DVD set (first season). Then we decided that regardless of us being in FL we were going to have a white christmas. So, off to the beach we went. We finished up the evening with dinner and more Lois & Clark. Later, my mom agreed I could call Kevin and he could come over for a bit. We'd originally agreed that there would be no Kevin on Christmas so that we could spend some quality time together.

Time for more presents!!! I can honestly say I was not expecting the kind of thoughtfulness and care that went into my gifts from him. First I opened lotion and body spray in my FAVORITE scent of all time. We'd gone shopping with his brother and stopped in Bath and Body Works to pick up something for his fiancee. Of course I wandered over to the testers of my favorite scent and being that we're attached at the hip, Kevin was at my heels. Next was a book. Wicked, as in the Broadway musical. On his birthday (Sat after Thanks) we'd been wandering the mall when I saw Wicked advertised as playing in the area. However, the dates wouldn't work at all. Since he couldn't buy me tickets, he figured he'd get me the book instead. Then there was this picture display thing. It had a picture of us, a goofy picture of him he'd sent to me one night when I was stressed and upset, and a picture of me holding my god-daughter at dinner a week or so ago. By this point I was dumbfounded and grinning like a maniac. Last, there was a beautiful silver watch with small, tasteful diamonds on the quarter hour. It's quite lovely and much nicer than anything I would have picked out myself. As I am rather short on cash this holiday season, my presents for him were far less showy. I bought him a steamer basket to make fresh, steamed vegetables. It was more or less a joke because he refused to eat green beans until I steamed them and put a bit of butter and salt on them, then made him try them. Now he likes green beans. Then I gave him a shadow box full of sand from the beach we went to on our second date and the beach we went to for his birthday (I went to each beach and collected sand and shells). I had mixed the sand with glue, drew a heart, wrote "T + K" in the heart, and put shells around the edges. Lastly, he opened a large picture frame I had filled with picture of me, him, us, the fire we'd made the first time we met, and the sunset from his birthday. Apparently, one of the pictures of me is his favorite picture of me--lucked out with that one.

Since my mom and Kevin both had the day off Monday and all three of us have been wanting to go to Disney, we all hopped into the car and headed to Orlando for the day. It was so much fun!! We took lots of pictures.
Here are the ones Disney took. The whole way there and throughout the day I kept tapping Kevin, "Guess what!" "What?" "We're going/at Disney!" About half way through the day I was looking the other way on the bus transport between parks when I felt a tap on my hand, "Guess what!" "What?" "I love you." AWWWWW it was the sweetest thing!! We both started giggling and my mom asked what we were laughing about. Two guilty "nothings" were her only response. She just rolled her eyes and let it go.

I've had a terrific few days. I'm floating on cloud 9 as we head toward the beginning of a new year. I could pretend to make new year resolutions, but does that really work for anyone?? I'll continue to try to loose weight, continue to try to not procrastinate, and continue to try to give up Cherry Pepsi. Will it work this year?? Who knows, but I'm not holding my breath until it does!!

I hope all of you had a TERRIFIC holiday season!!

Much love to one and all!!

Monday, December 19, 2005


In light of the season, here's my Christmas post.

First, I'd like to say this is the HOLIDAY season. The holidays I choose to celebrate this time of year are Christmas (both secularly and Christianly) and New Years. I'm VERY over this whole huge debate thing going on across the country. Yes, I believe Jesus is the reason for part of the season. But, it's a time of year about coming together and being happy and frisky in the cold air and laughing and celebrating a terrific year gone by and a new one just beginning. I really wish everyone would get their panties out of a wad and just enjoy themselves. As for me, I'll respond favorably to Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, or whatever other happy greeting you'd like to issue. No, I don't celebrate Hanukkah, but I'll smile if you wish me a happy one. If you wished me a happy Kwanzaa, I might look at you funny, but only because of my impossibly whiteness, not because of offense.

In high school I used to perform in
Disney's Candlelight Processional at Epcot. I loved this tradition. Since I've graduated, I've gone back as many years as finances allow. Kevin talked about taking me this year, but I'm not sure that's going to work out. If you take a look at the picture in the link above, we're all convinced I'm in it. Just above center, you can't see my mouth. My mom pointed it out and Kevin (who didn't know me then, nor has ever seen this event) swears it's me. It's shot from the correct side of the stage to be me as well.

Around October, I start getting into the mood for Christmas music. Most think I'm crazy, but you see, I went to a performing arts high school. Every year, around October, we'd hit the Christmas music hard to get it learned so we could start perfecting and fine tuning it before performances started (usually as early as the weekend of Thanksgiving). The music of the season really makes it for me.

Then there's the Christmas tree. The tree in our house is always real. We string multi-colored lights on it, then bust out the ornaments. My mom and I keep our ornaments separate. Each year my mom and my grandmother give me an ornament. Sometimes they mean something in particular, but usually they're just special because of the tradition. When my mom got married at 17, neither she nor my father had anything to put on their tree the first few years and no money to buy anything. There are other ornaments from trips we've taken or major events throughout the years. Decorating the tree takes several hours of Christmas music, laughing, sharing memories, and a few glasses of eggnog. This year my mom wanted me to put all my ornaments on the tree. As a result, not all of hers would fit. We laughed, bitter-sweetly, as we commented that I would have enough ornaments for my own tree. As I was telling
Snavy, there's on more tradition involving the tree. Each year, my mom and I get a Make-A-Wish ornament from Things Remembered. Next year, I want to start a smaller tree with just those ornaments. The last part of the tree is the angel. My mom buys me an angel every year. When I was younger, she bought me a tree topper angel. Every year there's a "fight" over whose angel gets to grace the top of our tree. We can never remember whose was up last year and whose should be up this year.

Last night we baked press cookies. Another tradition.

This year is so bittersweet. This may be my last Christmas at home, really at home. Sure I'll be home for Christmas in the years to come, but this is probably the last time I'll be living at home for the holidays. I really do think this is my favorite time of year.

Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, and joyful celebrations of all kinds to one and all!


Alas, I cannot make myself do my school work. I will be kicking myself for this shortly, as my first assignment is due by Christmas Eve- a 10 page paper in Spanish on an epic poem that I'm really not excited about (probably because I need to read it again to actually get it). I've read the poem, once, and read some supplementary material. However, I'm completely unmotivated and there's not a single word typed, for the paper that is. I've been really trying to limit my activities so that I'm not procrastinating as horribly, hence the lack of posting. Yet, I find myself just starring into space instead.

I just want to enjoy my break like everyone else!!!

A wise person once said,

"Procrastination is like masterbation. It feels good at first but in the end you're just f'ing yourself."

Too bad I never listen! OY!

Friday, December 09, 2005

Application Essay

I'm working on my grad school applications today. I've got them pretty much complete, just tweaking my essays according to professors' reccomendations. The first essay I wrote is my favorite. It seemed appropriate to post it here, in my mini-forum of me.

Describe someone you know, about whom you have strong ambivalent, conflicting, or negative feelings.

Growing up, I was Daddy’s little girl. My parents got divorced when I was two and my dad received full custody of my brother and me. I strived to do everything I could to make my daddy proud of me. I was a perfect angel at school and tried hard to behave at home. Somehow, I always fell a little short. I would do every problem on my homework and try to get along with my step-mother and step-sister. At the end of the day I was just a disappointment to my father. I always was striving for something more, some unrealistic goal to make him proud of me. My brother failed him when he was 16 and moved out of the house. It was all left to me to be Daddy’s prized child. I loved my daddy so much; I just had to be perfect for him.

I tried to be perfect for my father until I was 15. I had come to realize he was using me. I was only as good to him as my grades were, only as valuable as his bragging rights. I still loved him, but was starting to have trouble liking him. As the days passed, life became more confusing and difficult. I couldn’t stand living under his control and emotional abuse.

Finally, the day came when I had to decide whether I was going to break or overcome. I can’t even tell you what it was about now, but I upset my father. He raised his hand as if he was going to back hand me. I starred back at him, calmly denying his anger. He lowered his hand and I walked away.

That night he worked on household chores he’d been promising to do for me, for example setting up a window ledge for my kittens. He did several things that night. Each time he rhetorically asked, “What a good Daddy am I? What other Daddy would do such nice things for you? Aren’t you so lucky?” I remember recognizing those lines from so many times before, so many “make-ups” for an evening gone horribly wrong.

I visited my mother a month or so later for summer vacation. She knew I was struggling with the decision to move in with her or return to live with my father. When my brother moved out at 16 years old, my father disowned him and never spoke to him again. I could only expect the same response if I chose to leave. I was stuck. I could either have him in my life but have no life worth living, or have a fuller life but without him in it. I knew the decision I had to make, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. My mother took the decision out of my hands and applied for emergency custody of me. While she had made the legal moves to keep me with her, we all knew the decision was ultimately mine.

Six years have passed since that summer. Six years since he has spoken to me. I love him. I always will; he’s my father. But I hate the man he’s become; I hate the pain he continues to put me through. Over the years I’ve sent presents, cards, graduation announcements, letters about my life, and even made phone calls. Sometimes I simply get no response; sometimes I hear his voice telling me I have the wrong number; and sometimes he simply puts the packages, unwrapped, in a new container and mails them back to me. Each little insult hurts, stabs at me. Yet, I can’t help but love the man he could be.

His father didn’t give him a very good example to learn from. From as far back as the stories will take me, the fathering males in my family have always set a hard course for their children to follow. Love has always had a price; shunning has always been a real consequence. My grandfather is a tough man who worked hard to provide for his family. He showed his love by putting food on the table and a roof over their heads. He held his standards high for his children. It comes as no surprise that his youngest son would adopt these behaviors as well. My grandfather abandoned his eldest daughter after she defied him. My father sees my actions as defying him, as he told me himself the last time we spoke. It’s understandable that he would impose the same “punishment” on his me for my transgression as his father imposed on his daughter. He has learned from the example his father provided.

He did love me; maybe he still does. I understand he just doesn’t know how to love me and how to deal with the pain I have unwillingly imposed upon him. He gave me life and he loved me the best he could for the first 15 years of my life. For that I owe him my love and respect, even if I don’t like the person he is today.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

'Cause I have nothing better to do

Birthday:March 13
Birthplace:St. Petersburg, FL
Current Location:Jupiter, FL
Eye Color:Blue, green, whatever they want to be today
Hair Color:Dirty blonde
Right Handed or Left Handed:Right
Your Heritage:Pastey White Cracker
The Shoes You Wore Today:Flip flops (in FL duh!)
Your Weakness:I care too much
Your Fears:failure & rejection
Your Perfect Pizza:Papa John's peperoni with garlic sauce
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:Finish my grad apps and get a half way decent start on my thesis
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:lol
Thoughts First Waking Up:I miss him
Your Best Physical Feature:I'm told my ass, but I'm not very fond of myself
Your Bedtime:early-ish, whenever I fall asleep on the phone
Your Most Missed Memory:High School, performing
Pepsi or Coke:Cherry Pepsi
MacDonalds or Burger King:Taco Bell!!
Single or Group Dates:depends on the mood
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:BARF
Chocolate or Vanilla:Mint Chocolate Chip
Cappuccino or Coffee:Frufru frozen drinks with practically no coffee in them
Do you Smoke:HELL NO!!!
Do you Swear:see above
Do you Sing:not nearly as often as I'd like
Do you Shower Daily:eh, sometimes
Have you Been in Love:I'm not sure
Do you want to go to College:finishing up undergrad and applying to grad schools
Do you want to get Married:yes, eventually
Do you belive in yourself:no
Do you get Motion Sickness:YES
Do you think you are Attractive:no
Are you a Health Freak:no
Do you get along with your Parents:my mom yes, my dad doesn't talk to me
Do you like Thunderstorms:Love them!
Do you play an Instrument:I can pretend to play the piano
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:I don't think so
In the past month have you Smoked:NO!!
In the past month have you been on Drugs:NO!!
In the past month have you gone on a Date:Yes!! ::blushes::
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:unfortunately
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:no, but that doesn't sound like a bad idea
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:BARF
In the past month have you been on Stage::'( No
In the past month have you been Dumped:Luckily, no
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:no
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:no
Ever been Drunk:no
Ever been called a Tease:uh, yeah, oops!
Ever been Beaten up:no
Ever Shoplifted:no
How do you want to Die:happy and fulfilled
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:Child Clinical Psychologist
What country would you most like to Visit:Dominican Republic, I miss Mami



Exams are over!!!!

At about noon today I didn't think I had an ounce of energy left in my body. By about 12:15, with my last Spn lit exam ever (at the HC) turned in, I had more energy than I knew what to do with.

Granted, I have to stick around until tomorrow night and give a final presentation (which I have yet to create, oops) and I have two incomplete grades for the semester...but as for the present, I'm SO DONE!!!

I told Kevin nothing could effect me, nothing at all!! You could tell me my dog died and I wouldn't care. He reminded me that I don't have a dog. Then why
should I care?

Ahhh, life is good. I think I might just take a nap. Novel idea, isn't it??

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Happy HNT!!

Since I actually have a pic of me, I figured I'd play along this week!!


Tuesday, November 29, 2005

The Soap Opera Continues

Here's a list of characters in this little episode:
Jennifer- friend of mine, friend of my ex's, mother of my god-daughter
Joe- ex, and may he forever stay that way
Trevares- friend of mine, co-worker of Joe's, someone who (in his words) I "got my tease on" with, someone who I talk to only a few times a year

Sunday I talked to Jennifer on my way back to school. She was talking about throwing a New Year's Eve party. I half jokingly informed her that if she was inviting me she'd also be inviting Kevin. She laughed and agreed. She asked if I was planning on stopping by her place on my way out of town, as she was expecting Joe to come over that afternoon. I wasn't so it wasn't an issue.

Last night (Monday), I got a phone call from Mr. Trevares. Mind you, I haven't talked to him since August, despite my attempts to call him. We don't really talk much. If we run into each other or if he commits the drunken dial we do, but otherwise, not really. So, he calls. The only thing he really wants to talk about is my new beau. Doesn't really care about much else, other than reminding me that I teased him and he still wants to finish what I supposedly started over a year ago (almost two now). "But, no really, what about your new boyfriend?"

Interesting that I haven't heard from him in months and the day after I talk to Jennifer and she sees Joe, Trevares' co-worker, he calls me up asking for information about this new dude.

I IMed Jennifer this morning and the conversation went something like this:
me: What did you tell Joe about Kevin?
Jen: yea....New Year's Eve party, remember?
Jen: I like your elk, he's cute (referring to my REINDEER buddy icon)
me: but what did you tell him about me and Kevin? and it's a reindeer
Jen: oh, lol, yeah I like your reindeer, he's cute
Jen: something else random that I ignored
Then I looked down and realized I was almost late for class and jetted off without another word. I called her after class to apologize for running off without saying anything, but she didn't answer her phone, real cute.

I'm really pissed that she's running her mouth and even more so because she's being so sketch about it. I mean really, if you weren't talking smack about me (and/or Kevin), why won't you tell me what you said. Now neither me nor Kevin want to go to this stupid party. I can't imagine why not.

I'm really over all this high school bullshit. I mean seriously, I'm the youngest of this whole group by several years and this is what I've got to put up with?!?!? Some friends I've got, huh?

Monday, November 28, 2005

::sigh:: back to the chaos

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving reprive, as I hope all did.

Kevin worked through lunch on Tues and Wed so that he would get off of work at the same time I got into town. It was SO nice to see him and get the hug I'd been waiting for. We hung out at my place while I took care of some chores (including FREE laundry facilities). Then my mom came home with groceries and we made dinner. It's so nice that he and my mom seem to be getting along so well. After dinner we scurried off to catch Harry Potter. I was impressed with this one. It was much easier to follow if you hadn't read the book (which I of course had, but it had been some time).

Thursday was turkey day. I wasn't paying attention when I was making the mashed potatoes and put entirely too much pepper in them. Oops! I had to make a bunch more potatoes and mix them with the grey, already cooked potatoes. They were still a bit strong, and plentiful to say the least. Oh well, I'll never make that mistake again. Dinner was crazy as ever and I realized I've grown further away from the "kids" my age. We have spent many Thanksgivings together and each year we're all a little bit more different. A few years ago, we graduated from the kids' table and I was excited to get to sit with "adults." This year, however, there was the little kids' table, the college kids' table, and the rest were in the formal dining room. I was a little offended by this and spent my dinner not talking as I had nothing to add to the immature antics being discussed. But, it was enjoyable still the same. I love that family and it wouldn't be Thanksgiving without them, but it was nice to have a QUIET escape awaiting me. I had my friend take me over to Kevin's house for the onslaught of introductions.

I was rather nervous as we approached, hoping that I would make a good impression. He answered the door and the first face I saw was his niece I'd met previously. Her face lit up and I realized I left the picture I'd promised her in my mom's car, which was at my friend's house. She didn't seem to mind; she was just glad I was there. The rest of his family said their hellos, but not much else. I chalked it up to the mellow that follows dinner and the kids getting more rambunctious as the event lengthened. Kevin was a little upset that his family hadn't been more welcoming. I just hope it was because they were tired and not because of me. I worked really hard at paying attention to who was talking to whom and using what names and who belonged to whom and so forth. I think I have it down, but with different clothes on, in a different situation, who knows.

Thursday night we were planning that Kevin and I would take a nap before trucking out to Best Buy to get in line for a computer. My mom doesn't have a computer at home and they were adveristing one for $150 instantly. However, after seeing OUR Best Buy grace the 11 O'clock news with a formidable line already in place, we dashed out to get in line. There were some kids a few years younger than me in line in front of us. They brought their 19" TV and portable DVD player and set up. We watched War of the Worlds and a couple episodes of the Simpsons, made a few runs to the 24 hour CVS in the same plaza, and did a lot of talking. The time passed rather quickly and around 4:30am they passed out the vouchers for the computers. We BARELY got one of the last ones. My mom was so excited. The computer is really nice and she's happy, so that's all that matters. Then Kevin and I ran to Wal-mart before going back to his place to take a much deserved nap.

Then it was off to see RENT with a friend from high school. I was thoroughly impressed with the film version. It's not easy to capture the essence of a Broadway musical on film, but I think they did a pretty good job. I'm pretty sure Jonathon Larson would be pleased. It's funny how my friend and I used to be BEST FRIENDS all through middle and high school. We've stayed in contact through college, but as we're both finishing....we've grown so different. Kinda sad. But, we had a good time.

Friday night Kevin came over for dinner again and we watched How the Grinch Stole Christmas (which I'd purchased for $5 at Best Buy that morning) and set up my mom's new computer. We had a nice, chill evening as we were all VERY tired.

Saturday was Kevin's birthday!! We went out to breakfast, then to a lake to feed the duckies.

Then we rented Ladder 49 as Kevin has been talking about persuing a career in firefighting. It was a really good movie, but REALLY sad. I would recommend it to anyone who doesn't know any firefighters or anyone who wants to be one. I would not recommend it to anyone who cares about someone in the business. After it was over we were cuddling and Kevin felt the need to inform me that he was not crying. Rather, his eyes were merely watery. I'm not ashamed, I was crying.

The movie ran a bit longer than I had anticipated and we scurried to change and head to the beach for the sunset. I took him to my favorite beach, Sunset Point. There's a picture of us together on my camera, but it's that old film thing, so I'll have to wait to post it.

What FL in Nov looks like

Then we went to dinner at Maggiano's, a nice Italian restruant. He loves Italian food and I was banking on him never having been to this place. As we got closer, he thought he'd figured out where we were going to eat because I've been saying that I want to take him to PF Changs
(where I used to work) and there's a Changs right next to Maggianos. He loved it!!

The whole day was terrific!! "The best birthday ever" to be exact.

Now it's a week of pure hell, a day or two of rest, two exams, a final presentation, then home. Forgive me if I'm not around much for a spell. Hope everyone's week goes well!!

Wednesday, November 23, 2005


Well, this intense week is finally over. I'm certain they're hell bent on killing us before the end of this semester.

I joined my church this past Saturday. I was pretty excited and proud. I've never actually been a member of a church before. My mom and my brother were very proud of me and Kevin was glad I was so happy.

The three days that followed that were a nightmare. Assignments due, no time, nothing going right, STRESS out the wazoo!!!

Last night I could feel the excitement of the mini break set in as I e-mailed my last assignment due before the break to my professor. I couldn't sleep. I think I fell asleep well past 1am, waking up at least 3 times before 4:30am. After 4:30 I was awake. I stayed in bed thinking I would go back to sleep, no such luck. I have to go to one class this morning, then I hit the road. I'm heading home to see my mom and the wonderful man I have the pleasure of calling mine. I had planned on getting to his house and hanging out with my best friend until he got home from work, today. However, I didn't tell him this plan. Instead, he opted out of taking a lunch yesterday and today so that he could leave 2 hours early today, getting out of work right about the time I'll roll into town.

We have a date tonight. Then Turkey day. I'll be spending it with my mom and the same friends of the family where we always spend the day. He'll be spending it with ALL of his family. At some point in the day, I'm supposed to make my way over to his place and meet the entire entourage at once. He's one of 6 children, plus all of their partners, a few children, two parents....I'm a wee bit nervous.

Friday my mom volunteered Kevin and I to sit out at Best Buy all night to get a computer for her--meaning we'll finally have one at home, again. Then we're going Christmas shopping together. The afternoon I'm going to see RENT with my best friend from high school. We always went to see the play together when it came into town, so it's only natural that we're seeing the movie together. Friday evening my mom, Kevin, and I are having a nice dinner so they can get to know each other.

Saturday is his birthday. Since I don't know if he'll check my blog between now and then, I'm going to have to leave out the details. I promise, my plans are awesome and it'll be a great day.

Sunday, dreadful Sunday. I'll be back for one more week and a half of pure and undeniable HELL. Yay!!!

Anyway, sorry I haven't been around much lately. I hope everyone has a terrific holiday, stay safe and eat lots of TURKEY!!!!

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

A not so sad day

Five years ago today God called a very special little girl home. While we were only related by love, I was still her big sissy and she my little sissy. Her life was short and well lived. She, nor any of us, took a single day of her life for granted. In years past, this was a hard day for me, filled with tears and sadness. While I've been thinking about her more lately, dreaming too, I find that today is more nostalgic bordering on bittersweet. I will always love her and eventually will be able to hold her in my arms again. But for now, I trust that God will craddle her until the rest of us arrive. I would say Rest In Peace to my dearest little sissy, but I know that's not what she's doing. Her earthly life confined her in so many ways. I know she's spending her days dancing and singing and running and playing. So, live on in peace and joy my sweet angel.

She was put here for a reason, to touch lives, to change people, to affect things we'll never understand. She did what she was put here to accomplish and God called her home where she could be free from her aliments, a reward for her hard work on earth...

Katelyn Joyce Harper 2/14/1990-11/16/2000
Sisters Forever

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Cheesy Song Time

Okay, I'm going to commit the cheesy song lyrics crime. I've just been really stressed out lately and Kevin's really helped me stay focused and calm. It's nice to have someone on my side instead of against me for once! I cut out most of the lyrics, so it wouldn't be so horrible. . .

Because You Live
by Jesse McCartney

Staring out at the rain with a heavy heart
It's the end of the world in my mind
Then your voice pulls me back
Like a wake-up call

Because you live, there's a reason why
I carry on when I lose the fight
I want to give what you've given me

Because you live and breathe
Because you make me believe in myself
When nobody else can help
Because you live
My world has everything I need to survive
Because you live, I live, I live

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Jesus Freak

I spent the day yesterday at Boonadducious, an event for Christian music artists both local and big time to take the stage and perform. The last song of the night is an old one, but important to remember. This one goes out to Breazy!

Separated I cut myself clean
From a past that comes back in my darkest of dreams
Been apprehended by a spiritual force
And a grace that replaced all the me I've divorced

I saw a man with a tattoo on his big fat belly
It wiggled around like marmalade jelly
It took me a while to catch what it said
Cause I had to match the rhythm of his belly with my head
Jesus Saves is what it raved in a typical tattoo green
He stood on a box in the middle of the city
And claimed he had a dream

What will people think when they hear that I'm a Jesus freak
What will people do when they find that it's true
I don't really care if they label me a Jesus freak
Cause there ain't no disguising the truth

Kamikaze my death is gain
I've been marked by my maker a peculiar display
The high and lofty they see me as weak
Cause I won't live and die for the power they seek

There was a man from the desert with naps in his head
The sand that he walked was also his bed
The words that he spoke made the people assume
There wasn't too much left in the upper room
With skins on his back and hair on his face
they thought he was strange by the locusts he ate
The Pharisee's tripped when they heard him speak
Until the king took the head of this Jesus freak

People say I'm strange does it make me a stranger
That my best friend was born in a manger
People say I'm strange does it make me a stranger
That my best friend was born in a manger

What will people think
(What will people think)
What will people do
(What will people do)
I don't really care
(What else can I say)
There ain't no disguising the truth
(Jesus is the way)

~DC Talk

Friday, November 11, 2005

YAY for flowers!!!

So, today around 3pm a special delivery showed up for me. My wonderful new beau sent me gorgeous flowers...just because!! They're beautiful!! It's no fair, him making me cry from the other side of the state. The card simply said, "You Rock!!! Kevin." He didn't know my address, so he asked my friend for it. She didn't have it either, so she called my mom and got it. I'm just dumbstruck by his sweetness!!! In case you can't really tell....I'm beaming from ear to ear, as I have been all afternoon!! I've never been sent flowers before!

I borrowed a friend's digital camera to get these shots. They aren't great, but then I don't really know how to use his really fancy camera.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

I'm Back!!!

Well, that long weekend turned into a week, then a week & a half, then two weeks. My computer at home decided to die in the middle of all of that and I had limited access to the library computers. I actually went one day to relate a lot of what I'm going to put here, but the browser screwed up as I was trying to post it and I lost a long post. I'll start with a few pictures of the campus post Wilma.

Branches from the tree on the other side of the building

The courtyard with debris everywhere and benches moved around

Poor, poor tree

So, like I said, I went home. The first night I was home my mom had dinner plans so I called up a friend of mine who I haven't been very "friendly" to lately. We never really talk unless I'm in town, but I haven't been in town much, so she was getting a tiny bit frustrated with me. Rightly so. I went to her house for dinner with her, her fiancé, and his brother. We made an urban bonfire and had a blast just sitting around and talking.

I have a pass to Busch Gardens and I had two free tickets, so I figured we could all chip in and buy an extra ticket. The four of us went the first Saturday I was home and just really had a great time. We're all pretty similar in the right ways and different enough to keep everyone laughing and entertained. After BG we made dinner, made a fire, carved pumpkins, and watched "Batman Begins." I reluctantly left their place at 2am.

Our pathetic pumpkin we lovingly named Der

Upon finding out that I had more time out of school, I realized I was going to be home for Halloween. I invited my little posse over for handing out candy and dinner. We all had a great time. The next night I had a birthday dinner to go to and I didn't really want to do alone. I asked my friend if she thought her future brother-in-law, Kevin, would want to go with me. She wasn't sure and asked his brother. I got an overwhelming, "Don't ask!" from the brother. However, Kevin and I were flirting more than ever and he was stalling when it was time for them to leave. I went out on a limb and asked him to come along anyway. After a couple Cheshire cat grins and minimal conversation, I had myself a date. I wasn't going to call it that, though; we were just friends going out to my friend's dinner. Still I couldn't help be a bit hopeful that the night would run smoothly and present and opportunity for future evenings together.

The evening turned into pick on Tina night, which was all in good fun and to be expected. We all laughed and had a TERRIFIC time. Kevin had said he didn't want to stay all that late, so I begged out around 10:30 knowing we had an hour drive home. Once we were about 15 minutes from home, I asked him if he wanted to just say goodnight or go for a walk. We detoured. We went for a walk around a local park. Now, there are about three paths, each one slightly longer than the one before. We took the longest route. Since we had gone out of town, I had driven. We finally headed back to his place, although neither one of us really wanted to. We pulled up and he took his seatbelt off and I reached for mine. Stupid, you're not getting out! You don't need to take your seatbelt off!! We gave each other timid looks and he bid a pathetic goodnight, hesitated, then leaned over for a kiss. OMG!!!!!! (in a good way) Keep in mind we pulled up to his house around 12:00. It was 2am before we finally said goodnight. We sat and talked and kissed and talked and just enjoyed each other's company.

Since I didn't have a whole lot of time left in town, we wasted no time in setting up another date. So, the next night we went out again. We were going to go bowling. But, the first place we went was small and had no lanes available. The second place was REALLY crowded, but apparently had lanes open. We both decided that many people didn't appeal to us. We went to dinner and decided to figure out something at that point. When we were done I suggested going to the beach. He'd never been to the beach at night!!! Hello, we live in FL minutes away from the beach and he'd never been at night?!?!? We walked and talked and watched the million birds that were out there (felt like we were in a Hitchcock film). It was INCREDIBLE!!! We got back to his place a bit earlier this time, around 10:30-11:00 I think. I didn't leave until 2am...same story.

The next night my friend wanted me to come over and hang out, all four of us. So, I figured, why not? We ate dinner, played Scattegories, watched TV and who knows what else. I had to take my GRE the next day, so I was determined to leave earlier. I made it home around 1am. Good thing my test was in the afternoon!!

Friday was my GRE, it went okay. Not spectacular, but not bad. I'm not happy, but okay with my scores. After my test I'd planned to take one of my friends who'd just turned 21 out for drinks. Why not bring along Kevin? So he came with us. When I stopped by his house to pick him up, he had a present waiting for me. Just because. I hugged my new Stitch stuffed animal, then realized I should probably hug the benefactor as well. After we went out, we wound up outside his house again...I left at 2am.

Us at Applebee's, taken with his camera phone, he likes this pic a lot more than I do

Since Saturday was my last day in town, he wanted to do something with me. We went to the aquarium and out to a late lunch. Then my friend really wanted to see Jarhead, so the four of us went to see it that evening. I promised to stop by and say good-bye on my way out of town, but that didn't keep me from staying until 2am again.

Sunday I stopped by to say good-bye and cried. I didn't expect to cry. He didn't seem all that excited to see me go, either. But, I had to. So after awhile, I left.

Now we're talking, a lot. I feel really guilty because I have to keep limiting when and how long we can talk because I'm so overly stressed, once again. Now that I'm back, we're all going crazy. We have 6 weeks of curriculum to cover and only 4 weeks left in the semester. All the professors are giving us out of class make-up assignments and papers and all sorts of craziness. But he's a great guy and seems to understand all I have to deal with. We're both pathetically missing each other, but as of today, it's only 2 weeks until I'm home for Thanksgiving and his birthday. Then I'll have a week and a half before I'm home for Christmas break.

The sweetie holding his niece so she wouldn't get too near the fire.

I probably won't be around much until then. I really shouldn't be on now. I have a paper due at 6:30 that isn't started. I should technically have a prospectus for a final project done by then, too...we'll see about that though. Anyway, hope everyone has a terrific day!!

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Impromptu Fall Break

Well, Wilma decided to be "generous" and allow us a fall break this year. So, being that they weren't sure exactly how much food they had, and we have a 7pm curfew, and everything in the area is a MESS, and we have a week off of school....I decided it was as good a time as any to head home. So, here I am!!

I'm going to try to get some work done while partying it up with old friends and spending time with my goofy little fur ball!! I'm currently using a computer that might have been Pebbles' first (sorry, I'm sick of the Flintstones references, too), so I probably won't be around much until next week. Then it's nucking futs time at school as we try to make up a week lost in the last half of the semester. I'll try to get my pics developed by the time I go back so I can post them for you all to see what Wilma did to my poor little campus.

Have a terrific week, all!! See you after my leisure time is complete!

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Interesing Voicemails

In preparation for the storm, I left the following message on my voicemail: "Hey guys, this is Tina checking in from Hurricane Alley! If you're getting this message it probably means I don't have cell service. You can try my land line ###-###-####, but it's a cordless so if we don't have power that won't work. Your best bet is to just leave me a message and I'll try to get back to you whenever I can. Thanks!! Bye!"

Interesting responses:

Vanessa (a friend who lives about 20 minutes South of me--well within impact zone): "I guess you don't have service or power. I'm really worried about you, please call me right away!!" This was supplemented by two text messages saying about the same thing (different wording each time so I know she sent it twice on purpose) and one asking how I was holding up. Perhaps I'm just a synic, but how can I call you if you can't call me and how am I supposed to get your text messages if I can't get your phone calls??

Lisa (friend, somewhere on the other coast of FL, I think, who really knows): "Hurricane Allie?? I thought it was Hurricane Wilma!! What's going on?!?!? Please call me I'm so worried about you." D'oh!

More Updates

They're talking about evacuating us now. Boca (our main campus) has no water, electricity, phones, cable (not sure how they know that without power), internet. They were "shelter shopping" this morning, trying to find a place for all the residents to go. We may be out of classes the rest of the week. Our food supply here is rather insufficient even though there aren't many of us here. They're hoping for a shipment, but some of the roads aren't very safe and they're limiting traffic in some areas. The other buildings on campus don't have power, so they aren't certain if we'll maintain power.

They're meeting at 10am (now) to discuss what to do. We should know before 1 what's going on.

So more waiting games. But again, I've got a food stash, 3/4 tank of gas, plenty to do, so I'm really not worried about anything. I'm just fine here!! Promise!

Power is GOOD!!!

So Wilma rolled on up in here starting in the middle of Sunday night, packing a cat 3 punch. It was pretty nasty and totally exciting at the same time. I didn't get much sleep due to the anticipation and loud rain outside. I got up around 7 and turned on the TV (and returned it on through the various brown outs) and got out some homework reading. I watched TV and read and watched the storm until there were only two of the three options left. The power disappeared somewhere between 8-10 (I lost track of time).

Around 10-10:30 the eye came over us. Nothing terribly exciting, we didn't get the eerie calm. The wind slowed down and rain got very light. Then we were in it for round two. The wind was worse during the second half, but there was much less rain. There are about 50 of us or so still on campus and we meet in various common areas of our respective buildings (we weren't allowed to leave the buildings for obvious reasons) to watch things. It was pretty much done by around 1 or 2 and everything was completely done by about 4.

They opened the dining hall to feed us cold cuts for about an hour, but I opted out (they buy the lowest quality meat and it's SO nasty). The dorms were so quiet and so loud all at the same time with nothing on and nothing to drown out noise. I have a professor who lives very nearby and she had offered up her house to us prior to the storm. Sleeping in an eerie, non-powered bedroom (with windows that don't open, hence very stagnant, ever warmer air) didn't really appeal to me so I went to her place for the night. It was interesting driving the less-than-one mile to her house. This area is very new so there are lots of trees without root systems. Lots of them wound up in the street, along with street lights, traffic signals, power lines, and who knows what else.

I just got back and found that we indeed have power now (I'm told it came back between 11:00 and midnight). It's VERY chilly outside. I'd say cold, but then I'd get laughed at. AOL is telling me it's about 54 F. One of my friends is having some trouble. She's a bit on edge. I might wind up taking her home to Kissimmee (Disney area) today and spending some time at home. I originally opted to stay here so I could get work done, but I think she might need to go home and doesn't have a way to get there.
So that's were everything is. My cell phone is working, when it wants to. My room phone is working now that we have power (cordless), but I don't have an answering machine. I'll try to keep in contact as much as I can, but no need to worry about me!! I'm doing just fine!

(I took a bunch of pictures, but I'm not cool enough for a digital camera, so I'll try to get those developed and on a CD so I can post some of them).

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Long weekend getting longer!!!

Well, I just found out that my long weekend will now extend into Tuesday. So much time to be productive!! Although, I still can't rationalize why they did that. The storm should be out of the area by late Monday evening. But hey, no complaining here!!

I just need to say how BEAUTIFUL it has been here, with the exception of Friday. Even then, it wasn't really nasty, just some on and off rain. Saturday was gorgeous. On my way to breakfast/lunch with some friends, we passed a family on their bikes, out for a mid-day ride. Today was sunny and bright as well. The winds were up a little, but it was hard to tell if that was just normal "autumn" breezes or hurricane induced winds. I saw one light shower that lasted all of five minutes earlier today, but nothing really so far. The forecast STILL has it going directly over us. We're supposed to have a building meeting later tonight to go over worse-case-scenarios (I think). One of my favorite professors offered me her one of her spare rooms at their place if things get yucky here. I've worked with both her and her husband last year and this year and her kids are terrific. So, if we loose power or water or something comes flying through my impossible glass, I skip on over to her place (which is at max a mile from here).

So, life goes on as normal around here. Went to church, then sang in the Latin choir, came home, did some homework, cleaned my room, did my laundry (wow, didn't realize I hadn't done it in so long), and now I'm about to get back to doing some grad school stuff. Hope you all enjoyed your weekend!! Have fun at work tomorrow and Tuesday--he he *snicker, snicker*

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Grad School Freak Out

Okay, so I decided to take part of this weekend and clear away some of this looming application work.

I registered for the GRE, but since I waited too long, I can't take it until Nov 4 and I have to go home to do it even that early. Then I busted out the GRE prep book my friend gave me. I wasn't really all that worried about my verbal scores, all I do is read and write. However, it has been 2-3 years since I've even so much as touched my calculator other than to balance my check book. So the math portion was worrying me a bit. So I start with the first practice test. I completely screwed up the instructions for the verbal and bombed that section. I did equally as poorly on the math, but I expected that...just needed to get those particular cogs going again. Well, I realized my instruction mistake and went through each problem and read the solutions and explanations anyway. I was still raring to go, so I decided to take another practice test. Well, this time I knew what the instructions were and I was fairly confident that my score would sky rocket. No such luck. I got the same terrible score!!! My math score shot way up, though. Now explain this one to me, please!! I'm absolutely baffeled! I figured I was just worse off than I expected and started working on the extra verbal activities provided. Well, I was doing 90% or better on all those activities. I just don't get it.

So then I decided to turn my attention to my applications. I found that two of the applications I want, I still don't have. I tried e-mailing the person listed on one site for a packet, but the e-mail bounced. Terrific. The other site I tried filling out the online form (again) and (again) it wouldn't process. I found another address for someone at the first school and e-mailed him. Then I found an address for someone at school two and e-mailed him. Meanwhile, I still had a couple of packets that I wanted to take a closer look at. Last night I submitted the electronic portion of my #1 choice and filled out all the supplemental materials. I just have one more essay to write for that one. Talk about nerve racking and exciting all in the same ragged breath. So then I looked at the other applications. One of my other top choices requires quite a bit more than I've done. That school is near my northern relatives, so if all else fails, I could do non-degree seeking work while living with one of them and get residency there. Then re-apply. That actually wouldn't be a terrible idea. Except hanging around for a year, blah. Another school has really turned me off, so I threw that application to the side. Finally I filled out one more application. It's not one of my top choices, but if I might wind up sending it in anyway. Each one of these things is $50 a pop to so much as submit. No refunds for getting shot down.

I feel good, sorta. I little more at ease and a little more stressed out. I've got to figure out this verbal thing and work on entrance essays and personal statements and ... Still hanging out, waiting to see what Miss Wilma's going to bring while watching TS Alpha! It should be intersting to see if that one stays its course. I wonder what colliding hurricanes does....

Anyway, I've got degree audit paper work to fill out so I can get on up out of this joint in May! Hope everyone's staying safe and having fun!

Friday, October 21, 2005

Hurricane Weekend

Whoo Hoo!! Long weekend!!

My school has finally decided to make a decision. They’ve cancelled Monday classes and closed the university Sunday and Monday, but we’re not going on total lockdown. Meaning, the dorms are open to residents ONLY and all other buildings will be closed.

All the upper-classmen are hitting the store to stock up on…er….necessities (of the alcoholic persuasion) and preparing to hunker down. The under-classmen are scattering like cockroaches in the light. Me, I’m stoked to have the whole weekend to myself, two of my roommates went home and the other one is pretty quiet and tends to occupy herself with her local friends off campus. I went to the store, amazing wasn’t a mad house, and bought milk, juice, and crackers. All predictions have put this storm exiting the state right over our city (National Hurricane Center & Hurricane Alley & Local News). The timing and strength has fluctuated quite a bit, though.

Like I said, I’m prepared to ride this thing out. I’m going to curl up with my blankie, GRE prep book, a cup of grape juice, and some Triscuits!! I’m hard core, let me tell ya! I sincerely hope the eye passes over us. It shouldn’t be strong enough to cause that much damage (besides I live in the ritziest part of the state—if I wasn’t in the dorms I’d never be able to live here, barely can even with that precaution). I just think it will be cool to experience the calm, blue skies of the eye in the middle of the storm. I’ve been through enough on the edges; I want the full thing this time ;) Yes, I know I’m asking for it, but hey, after a million anticlimactic storms can’t I wish for a little excitement to accompany all the panic?

I hope everyone has a terrific weekend! I’m going to get back to the studying and enjoying my hurricane weekend!

The concrete building I call home
after a few hurricanes last year.

The street I actually live on,
at home after Jeanne, as a cat 1

P.S. Are there any other regular readers that I haven't gotten in my link list?? I tried to finally update it and now I can't figure out if I included all my normal haunts :/

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

No really, enough's enough

I'm fervently working on my thesis like a good little girl and catching up. My stress level is still relatively high, but I'm working on putting it in His hands and letting go. I'm doing better...

Now this! I don't have the $50 it's going to cost to evac. Besides, most of our gas stations are out of gas anyway. We've been having a problem with that lately. I wonder what they're going to do now that they're out of names. Go AWAY, Wilma!!!

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

God's Glory

I know I said I wasn't going to be on much for a bit, but I'm giving up my morning nap to relate an INCREDIBLE story.

Yesterday was terrible, just awful! I got back midterm after midterm with nothing to show the amount of work I've been doing. My day started at 5:30 just like every day, and I was off and running non-stop until 10:30 last night. Homework, classes, errands, homework, classes, homework...and it all HAD to be done yesterday. I was in over my head and losing my grip, FAST!!

Joseph had messaged me yesterday morning and we'd kept a running dialog most of the day. By the time I was sitting in my last class of the day, without my homework for that class complete, with an unimpressive midterm grade, and a new LENGTHY homework assignment in my hands I lost it. I was sitting in class willing myself not to shake which in turn forced me into tears. So now I'm trying not to shake and trying not to cry. I sent Joseph a quick message hoping that his encouragement would help. He did respond, but it lacked sincerity. I chalked that evaluation up to my stress level. Class goes on and I was actually getting a lot accomplished (it was a lab). I finished a huge assignment by doing some tricky programing work in excel. It must be noted that I despise LapPro! After I finished I started helping another student who's my mother's age and just doesn't get this whole computer thing. After we gave it a rest we started walking out and actually started talking about God and Christianity and peace and grace and comfort. It was REALLY cool!

I walked passed the Homecoming carnival to my lonely and VERY messy dorm room to finish the homework and e-mail it to my professor. I sent Joseph a final text message around 10:15 to let him know I was finally done with my day and going to bed. At least I thought I was. My dinner selection decided to haunt me, so I didn't fall asleep very quickly (I guess popcorn and Pepsi on an empty and stressed out stomach isn't the best idea--particularly for someone sensitive to caffeine). Now, anyone who knows me knows that I go to bed as close to 9 as I possibly can since I don't sleep well, ever, and I have to get up so early. My phone started vibrating at 10:45 and I figured I was awake so I might as well answer it. It was Joseph. With torn emotions, I answered. At first he was very concerned and did his "it will be okay and you'll get through it just like always and what can I do" routine. At the last comment I laughingly said he could write my thesis for me. He asked what it was about (hello, where have you been?) and I told him Panama. He gave me a very conservative and limited-knowledge two sentence summary of the fact that Panama has a canal. I laughed at his assessment of the situation.

I then launched into an explanation of my thesis from intro through conclusion. I was starting to feel a lot better and more in control of things as I realized I had more of an idea what I was going to write about than I'd previously thought. Just as I was relaxing in this realization, he piped in with his conservative pro-American argument. I tried to point out to him facts that I've come across in my MONTHS of research. This was in vain, of course. I was trying to let go of his ignorant critique of my hard work when he launched into Puerto Rican bashing. Well, that's about all I could take. You're not going to find many Latin American scholars accepting an ignorant commentary laced with such hatred. I decided that explaining some reasons for the things that he was complaining about was a waste of my time and abruptly ended the phone call. I sent him a text message trying to calmly explain why I had gotten upset and to apologize for my rudeness. His messages in return were terribly rude, meanly rude. I called him crying to say that if this is the way he shows his friendship when I needed his support most, I had no interest. He just argued more and argued that he hadn't been arguing and basically said he didn't care what I felt. We basically hung up on each other.

That was it! I curled up in a ball and started uncontrollably crying. My jaw was chattering, I was shaking all over, tears were STREAMING down my face, and I was whimpering as a result of trying to hold back sobs. It was BAD! But, it didn't last all that long. Shortly after I broke down a thought passed through my mind: "forgive him." I suddenly remembered the devotional I'd read that morning about being quick to forgive but careful to not allow abuse to perpetuate. By the time that flash of thought finished, I realized I was laying flat on my back, one leg straight and under the covers, one leg cocked to support the small of my back, my arms comfortably positioned. The shaking and chattering had stopped. My cheeks were wet, but no new tears were flowing. I was calm, peaceful, and comfortable. "Just forgive him, Tina."

I laid there, still, for a LONG time. I don't lay/sit/stand still for any given amount of time. When I finally did move, I rolled over and fell fast asleep.

I cannot describe the incredible power the Lord can have when He rushes in and touches our lives. There is only one explanation for what happened to me last night. I was spiraling downward so fast, so out of control. In one single moment, He came to me and calmed me. Instantaneously. I only got 5.5 hours of sleep last night. I need much more to function, especially after such a long and stressful day. However, today I'm only slightly sleepy. I didn't doze off watching cartoons while babysitting this morning; didn't have the need to take a nap after sitting and before class. I'm almost shaking in pure excitement and disbelief. I can handle anything because at the end of the day, it's not me who is handling it at all.

On my way to babysit, the song I had posted earlier came on the radio, "You'll think of me." I cranked it and listened to the words, again, with new meaning. The following verse jumped out at me:
Someday I'm gonna run across your mind
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I'm gonna be alright
While you're sleeping with your pride
Wishing I could hold you tight
I'll be over you
And on with my life

I'm going to be fine. I'm going to get over him. I was in love with what he represented, not with who he was. I'm working on another poem, perhaps I'll be more proud of this one. I'll post it later, once I've worked it all out.

I hope everyone has a terrific day. I'll be back once I tie up some loose ends and get at least up to date. God bless!

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Panic Attack

I'm currently trying to fight off a panic attack. Two mediocre test grades, one mediocre essay grade combined with more work than there are hours in the day is freaking me out. In the past four days I've probably eaten sufficiently for one and yet I'm not hungry, nor do I have to time to care. I'll be offline for awhile. Please send your love, I could use it right now.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Happy Columbus Day!!

Today is the "glorious" recognition of the "founder" of the new world. This blog could get really long and spiteful, but I'm going to make it as to the point as possible. This wonderful man had his math COMPLETELY wrong and thought he could make it to India in a matter of a couple of months. A month longer than the trip was expected to be, they got lucky and ran into the islands in the Caribbean. They would have died had they not stumbled upon the riches (of the land, not of metal) of the indigenous people. So the story continues to talk about his grand development and the civilazation of the savage people. And by civilazation, I do mean wiping out all the indigenous and replacing them with Europeans and black slaves. Some indigenous were crafty enough to blend in and completely forget their old ways (there have been recent biological tests to show that 25% of the genetic make-up of the population of the Dominican Republic is in fact Taino).

Then there's this monument. The monument is in his honor in the Dominican Republic (where he first settled). They kicked several neighborhoods worth of people out of their homes to build this thing. Then, they light it up and shine this huge cross into the night sky on special occasions (i.e., today). When they do, most of the city has to go without power, which is in rather short supply to begin with.

Oh the beautiful irony! Enjoy your holiday!

Sunday, October 09, 2005


I'm supposed to pretend I don't notice
Pretend I don't care

Listen to you talk

Listen to you share

Best friend, that's what you call me

Lover was once my name
But now I guess that's hers

And we'll never be the same

You're with her now

I'm torn apart, confused, alone

Wishing you still wanted me

I stare at the silent phone

If only you could see

If only you knew

Would it make a difference

Could our love be renewed

But I don't have the strength

You don't have the time
It won't ever work
You'll never again be mine

I don't want to love you

Don't want to hurt anymore

Can't stand the pain

Can't handle the heart you've torn

So, please, just keep along

Walk away and ignore my tears

Maybe you'll remember me
When you look back on these years.

Here, LP, I tried. My pathetic attempt at a cheesy poem. I really wish I could stop crying, stop caring, stop wanting to be in his arms. Above all I wish I knew how. Why do I allow him to have this control over me? Why can't I just harden my heart and move on? What was different about the last time, the time I walked away and hurt him? Now he's the one who's left me broken and alone. I know it will never work out, I know he's no good for me, I know I deserve better. Then why can't I convince myself of that. Funny thing is, I didn't want to get back together with him until the past few weeks. Is this all because before I knew he still wanted me and I could turn around at any given moment and now I know he's finally moving on?

I'm feeling so lost and alone right now. My few friends are all hurting right now and I'm the strong one. I have to be strong with my mom, can't let her see me hurt. The only person in the world I can turn to right now might not care, and if he did, it'd hurt all the more. Shit, even the counselor doesn't want to see me anymore. So instead I pour my heart out online to people I don't know and will probably never meet.

Church has always been a place of comfort to me, but right now they're doing this series called "God @ Home" which makes me feel all that much more alone. I don't have a "home" right now. My mom's so far away and I'm temporarily renting this dorm space until I move, yet again, at the end of this year. My father doesn't talk to me nor does most of his family. Right now I want nothing more than to crawl into someone's lap and cry myself to sleep. Too bad there's no one around.

I guess that's all I've got. I'm just hurting so much right now and feel like there's no one for me to turn to. I'll probably wind up calling him and either feel worse because he won't have time for me or won't care...or because he'll toy with my mind and emotions once again, whether intentionally or not. I just want to curl up into a ball and disappear.