Sunday, October 09, 2005


I'm supposed to pretend I don't notice
Pretend I don't care

Listen to you talk

Listen to you share

Best friend, that's what you call me

Lover was once my name
But now I guess that's hers

And we'll never be the same

You're with her now

I'm torn apart, confused, alone

Wishing you still wanted me

I stare at the silent phone

If only you could see

If only you knew

Would it make a difference

Could our love be renewed

But I don't have the strength

You don't have the time
It won't ever work
You'll never again be mine

I don't want to love you

Don't want to hurt anymore

Can't stand the pain

Can't handle the heart you've torn

So, please, just keep along

Walk away and ignore my tears

Maybe you'll remember me
When you look back on these years.

Here, LP, I tried. My pathetic attempt at a cheesy poem. I really wish I could stop crying, stop caring, stop wanting to be in his arms. Above all I wish I knew how. Why do I allow him to have this control over me? Why can't I just harden my heart and move on? What was different about the last time, the time I walked away and hurt him? Now he's the one who's left me broken and alone. I know it will never work out, I know he's no good for me, I know I deserve better. Then why can't I convince myself of that. Funny thing is, I didn't want to get back together with him until the past few weeks. Is this all because before I knew he still wanted me and I could turn around at any given moment and now I know he's finally moving on?

I'm feeling so lost and alone right now. My few friends are all hurting right now and I'm the strong one. I have to be strong with my mom, can't let her see me hurt. The only person in the world I can turn to right now might not care, and if he did, it'd hurt all the more. Shit, even the counselor doesn't want to see me anymore. So instead I pour my heart out online to people I don't know and will probably never meet.

Church has always been a place of comfort to me, but right now they're doing this series called "God @ Home" which makes me feel all that much more alone. I don't have a "home" right now. My mom's so far away and I'm temporarily renting this dorm space until I move, yet again, at the end of this year. My father doesn't talk to me nor does most of his family. Right now I want nothing more than to crawl into someone's lap and cry myself to sleep. Too bad there's no one around.

I guess that's all I've got. I'm just hurting so much right now and feel like there's no one for me to turn to. I'll probably wind up calling him and either feel worse because he won't have time for me or won't care...or because he'll toy with my mind and emotions once again, whether intentionally or not. I just want to curl up into a ball and disappear.


  1. hey tina ...
    hang in there girl ... that poem was not cheesy (that's my line btw), if your writing expresses how you feel, then it's perfect.
    it's hard being the strong one when you feel alone. at least you have faith in god, that should help your strength ... take care girlie girl ...
    if you need a hitman in seattle, just let me know ... just a friendly reminder

  2. "girlie girl ..."
    AM NOT!!!! And whoever said I was is a LIAR!!!!!

    "if you need a hitman in seattle, just let me know ... just a friendly reminder"

    Right now I'm cool with the Seattle area. Perhaps if I wind up at Antioch University I might come up with a list. I'll be sure to keep you posted!!

    Thanks for the encouragement. I wound up crying for a little while longer then just going to bed. I wasn't doing anyone or myself any good being awake so I figured sleep would at least put me out of my misery for a few hours. Plus I couldn't call him, or want to, if I was sleeping.

    Today my eyes are swollen and I'm sleepy, but feeling a bit better. Still depressed and stressed, but a little less hopeless.

  3. Tina - the poem was absolutely beautiful!! I know how that feels. If you need to vent - you know how to find me - I can listen and give hugs too.

  4. Tina .. Thomcat is right --- you be strong for Tina and the rest of us will be all right. Such is life my dear friend, it a growth process and I hate to tell you this but it never stops. There are ups and downs, just try and strike a balance and it will all come out in the wash, if not use some bleach!

    By the way --- you should write poetry more often, you have the gift of gabs, now make it work for ya!

    Be well and much love to ya!