Saturday, September 24, 2005


I'm so angsty today. Yesterday was a long day followed by what was supposed to be a fun filled evening but was horrible instead. Today I'm tired and worried and lonely and blah.

Yesterday we went to an entirely too
expensive hotel right on the water for our annual butt-kissing event. The hotel is owned by the people who generously bestow large amounts of money to me so I can do this whole college thing. Every fall we get together with all the members of my scholarship (20, 5 from each class) and the Deans and some other important people to discuss what we did over the summer. The scholarship pays for us to do a specific activity each summer (hence my Dominican trip). So we got all dressed up, froze to death in a room fit for penguin reproduction, were bored out of our minds listening to power point after power point about everyone's summers. I got bored and started picking at my hose, creating a large hole just before my turn to present. Yay! Then we had lunch, a disaster. We have one vegan and a few vegetarians in the group. The dean is allergic to anything with tomatoes or that has been touched by tomatoes. I'm allergic to shellfish. Just about everything had meat (almost exclusively shell fish) and tomatoes. The salad was a big hit (it had cherry tomatoes, so she wasn't effected by them). Then we took a tour of the hotel and there were rooms there that cost more to rent for one night than my vehicle cost me. Granted, my POS doesn't exactly qualify as luxury, but come on now. Do people really have nothing better to do with their money than to rent a hotel room that costs entirely more than it should?!?!?! For heaven sakes, people, donate it, do something good with it. Take a vacation that cost half as much and do twice as much and still have some left over for those struggling in life. I was just annoyed.

I was so looking forward to last night. One of my best friends has recently changed jobs and our schedules almost never correspond anymore. We made a date to go to TGIFridays, one of our favorites, but a decent drive. She wanted to go to a movie afterward, but didn't tell me that her gift certificates were for a movie theater 30+minutes away from my house. She stopped by my place after work (6 o'clock) so we could figure out our plan. She lives fairly close to the restaurant (20 mins south) and between me and the movie theater. So we decided to take two cars. Well, she left before I got into my car. Then she called me as I was about to turn into the restaurant, pissed off. Apparently, the plan was for me to drive to her place (even though I only know about where it is--she recently moved) and we would take one car. That was CERTAINLY news to me. She was put out and while giving a guilt trip, decided to just meet me. Well, she has a habit of turning her phone off so her family can't call her. Her family has my phone number and if she won't answer, they call me. How nice! So as soon as we sit down, my phone starts ringing. It's her mom, which puts her in an even sourer mood, which doesn't help my decaying enthusiasm. Our server drove us crazy with her constant babble. I don't mind a server with a personality that can keep up a conversation, but this chick was just nuts. Plus, I'd secretly been hoping for a cute male server I could flirt with...sometimes flirting just makes you feel a bit better. So basically the movie plans were out, which I was half glad about given our rousing conversations of dead silence and her growing attitude incorrectly directed at me. She had to pick up her sister at work (near me) at 9:20 and being that it was pushing 8, I offered hanging out at my place until she had to go. I told her I'd make her a Midori Sour, if she'd like, once we got there. I got the holier than thou disapproving reprimand. Um, hello, we're both of age (now) and I'm certainly the last person you'll find abusing or consuming large amounts of alcohol. Besides, it was only a week or so ago that she was drinking more than I would ever consider drinking in one evening, on her 21st.

She is extremely depressed, almost suicidal. She denies that there is a problem and refuses to talk to someone. The limited amount of time we spend together now (we used to be inseparable) is horrible. We're both miserable; I leave feeling ten times worse than when I left and I can't imagine she feels any better. It wasn't like that before. She's mad at God for keeping her in her admittedly bad situation, but blaming God isn't going to make things better. Then she turns around and pretends to be the best Christian there is. We used to have so much fun together and no matter what was going on, we'd both have a terrific time and forget about life for a while. Now she's miserable and making me miserable.

I'm more upset about Joseph having a new girl than I thought I would be. I guess, through it all, he never stopped wanting me, and that felt good, no matter how annoying. Now, he wants someone else and I'm just left in the cold. I know it's normal and for the best, but it just sucks right now.

I've gained a good bit of weight recently, too. I'm trying really hard to eat decently and ride my bike to/from work, but it just doesn't seem to be helping. Everyone says I look good and that they can't tell. I don't know if that's just them trying to be nice, or what, but 90% of my clothes don't fit over my big butt. I'm supposed to be in a wedding in two weeks and I'm worried that the dress won't fit, now. It's just adding to the already self-deprecating ideas.

Then there's this huge in-between stage I'm going through right now. I'm ending undergrad and getting ready to move on. Many of my friends are getting married, having kids, settling down. That's just not going to happen for me for at LEAST a few years. I have nothing in common with the few people from high school I've tried to keep in touch with. Most of my college friends are either sticking around the area (finishing or starting work) or are heading out of town, like me, in the fall. The only time I halfway feel "at home" is when I'm at church, but even then, I know I won't be there much longer. I just seem to be growing further and further away from everyone and everything. I don't know, I'm just all angsty and lost right now.

I'm worried about LP and waiting to hear that she's okay. I feel better knowing Rita chilled out a bit before making landfall, and hit North of her. Doesn't mean she won't get some killer effects though. Now I know what my friends and family went through last year with all those storms I rode out.

I try to pretend I have it all together and try to act all mature, but really, I'm just a confused little girl.
Okay, I know this was a miserable post, sorry guys. I'm just sitting in the lab, left to my own thoughts, tired, and dealing with my perpetual headache. Hope you are all having a terrific weekend, and those of you in the storm's path are safe and sound.


  1. I'm sorry your evening sucked :-(

    Holier-than-thou attitudes are definitely very annoying.

  2. Take a deep breath, now slowly let it out ... ok, do it again. Feeling better, no?

    Ok .. go kick some ass!