Friday, September 30, 2005


Okay, I'm done being retarded, I think. I've done some thinking, some talking, some venting. Then a perfectly timed song grabbed me and shook me until I snapped out of my stupidity.

I was trying to figure things out with the whole boy situation when it was brought to my attention that I do nothing fun anymore. My simple lunches out with friends have faded by the way side. The time I do have to spend with friends is limited and some of my closest friends aren't exactly healthy for me to spend time with right now. It doesn't count if you feel worse after spending time with someone that you did before you left. Last weekend I was going to take off to Orlando to fight my antsy feeling. I've got a terrific friend that's recently relocated there. But, through the stress of relocating and starting a new job, she was exhausted and fighting off a cold. So, that idea was halted. My mom is currently in Ohio spending time with my family and having a terrific time, as she frequently reminds me by her several phone calls a day. I mean it's terrific that they all miss me, but I don't want to hear about all the fun they're having that I'm missing out on because I'm freaking broke and have more work to do than I know how to accomplish. Some friend's from home are all heading to Howl-o-Scream tonight (Busch Gardens Halloween style). Everyone is having fun but me.

I felt sorry for myself for a good while. Then I decided that blowing $60 for one night of restoring my sanity was worth it. So I'm going to head out of here in a couple of hours, go spend the evening having a blast with people that I know will allow me to have a terrific time, then sleep a few hours and drive back down to the psychology lab tomorrow morning. I'll get back to these details in a minute, but I'm going with the boy, my god-daughter's dad, and a few random other people that don't really play into this.

So back to the boy stuff. I was stuck somewhere between jealousy and trying to move on. I wanted to be wanted by him. I wanted to pretend that if we did get back together that things could work out this time. We're both playing games right now, both trying to make the other one admit that they want a relationship before we'll give in, both not ready to admit ourselves that we'd like to be back in a relationship, both waiting for the other to make the first move. F**K that. Dude, I'm not waiting around for anyone. I don't need someone to make me feel wanted. If I just hold my head high and bat my eyelashes, I can get guys to drool on themselves (not to sound conceited...I don't understand why I have this ability, just an observation). I'm worth more than some second rate townie who has no aspirations in life. I'm leaving this place soon enough, heading out of state to whatever grad school is going to be lucky enough to accept me--Denver, Seattle, Indy, Cincinnati, who knows! While I was working on coming to this conclusion, my "Guys SUCK" playlist was looping in the back ground. I turned it up to hear "Gone" by Kelly Clarkson (sound clip and lyrics). At one time I rocked out to this song, singing it into the night, directed at him. Why was I so convinced of the song a few months ago and now I'm wallowing in self pity? I don't think so. I'm over it. He can cry all he wants; he lost me once and unless he's going to fight hard for me and do something overly convincing, he's not getting me back!

During the whole process of trying to figure out if I was going to go on this little escapade, I had to play with the idea of who's house I'm going to stay at. I have standing invitations at the boy's house and my god-daughter's house. At first I wanted to stay with the boy because not many people can deny the comfort of sharing a bed with someone. I hesistated because I didn't want to regret anything in the morning and we're not very good at being good. But I realized, that was half the reason I wanted to go. Not cool! Then I decided I wanted to spend the night with him and not sleep with him to prove to myself I could do it. Now I'm back to not knowing where I want to sleep. If I stayed with him, I would be proving a point to him that he can't have me whenever he wants me; he can't have me, period. But then, I don't have to prove anything to him. The only thing is, I might disturb my god-daughter coming in late and leaving rather early in the morning. I guess we'll just see how things go later this evening. Point is, no matter where I sleep, I'll just be "using" that person for a bed for a couple of short hours.

So yeah! I'm getting the hell out of this place for a night. Going to let my hair down and party!! Perhaps utilize some of the lines provided by Thom & Bullshit! Who knows, whatever, "I'm already gone"!

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