Sunday, August 14, 2005


A fun weekend, growing emotions, and some very real realizations kept me busy. Joseph and I carted off to Universal Studios on Friday. We had a spectacular time. Everything keeps running so smoothly between us and the old emotions are hard to ignore. Right before lunch, he announced that he was going to follow through on a promise that he'd made a long time before. Walking to the Barney gift shop, I realized he was going to buy me the stuffed Barney I'd asked for one year for my birthday. It's a long story but basically revolves around my late "little sister." Of course I was bawling. It was one of the sweetest, most selfless gestures I've ever known him to do. The day continued without a glitch. He took me to a bar nearby that he'd always talked about (but that I was too young to enjoy, previously). One drink and I was toasted. Perhaps Pat Obrien's Hurricanes ring a bell with some of you. He was a perfect gentleman and drove me home, at which time I promptly passed out. We were meeting friends for dinner then had plans to go back to their house (where I was going to spend the night). We got to dinner and I could barely keep my sleepy little head up (four hours of sleep mixed with a cocktail). We had to run back to his house to grab the overnight bag I'd dropped there earlier. We both needed to use the bathroom as well. I went first since I was about to pee my pants. His bathroom mission was going to be more lengthy, so I laid down to wait. By the time he was done I was PASSED out cold. We slept in each others arms, presumably for the last time.

Daylight brought a lot of clarity. As we laid there and talked, I mentioned that God had been missing from our relationship before. He didn't get it. I knew he never would. I tried to talk about my beliefs, knowingly in vain. While he proclaims to be Episcopalian, his beliefs are closer to agnostic bordering on atheist. I knew that despite any emotions or feelings or chemistry, our relationship would never work out. It ended the first time over a bunch of little petty stuff; it will never start again because of the bigger issues. He talked about how opposites attract. I tried to explain that opposite interests may attract, but opposite values and belief systems do not. He talked about compromise. I'm sorry, perhaps I'm just a bitch, but there are some things in a relationship I am NOT willing to compromise on--religion being one of them. I tried to explain that at this point in my life, dating for fun is beginning to fade away while dating to find a life partner is taking precedence. In searching for that life partner, I need someone who is going to agree on how to structure our relationship and eventually on how to raise our children. The concept of merging this last idea with faith was beyond him. My point, exactly. He doesn't believe the same as I do. His priorities aren't nearly the same in life. Tears came to my eyes as I realized I'd have to let go of him once again.

I went over to my friend's house that I was supposed to have stayed with. We hung out for a few hours and doubled over in laughter when the wife attempted to make pancakes. Talk about someone with common sense. She literally mixed up an entire recipe worth of pancake mix and poured it all into the frying pan at once. I'm not really sure what she was thinking. I turned the burner way down and tried to bake it, flipped it with a plate, and continued my "baking" attempts. In the end, her 14 pancake serving size in 1 turned out not so bad. We made her eat it and we ate the pancakes I cooked.

Then it was off to visit Lisa. I called my uncle on the long drive there. My uncle is my male figure. We connected a few years ago and became very close. Our conversations will range from topics that have one of the two of us crying to topics that have us both crying with laughter. It had been a while since we'd talked and I figured it was time to catch up. We talked and talked and I told him a lot of what I've been posting. While it's good to type it out, it felt so good to talk to him about it.

Lisa was doing well, a little too hyper for my exhaustion, really. I took it as a good sign and filled her in on all the gossip of the weekend. She was nervous about the family therapy session the next day and her possible homecoming. We giggled and chatted and bullshitted for the allotted 1.5 hours and I left (LP, I dropped off the comment you made on her blog, along with the fig tree post--she was very touched and said they were very helpful).

When I got back to my truck I saw that I'd missed a call from my dad's parents. I checked my voicemail to hear my grandmother in a rather worried voice saying that they needed to talk to me. My first thought was of my ailing grandfather, but that was quickly replaced with the feeling it had something to do with my dad.

Perhaps I should digress a bit here to give a bit of background information. My dad had full custody of me and my brother (8 years my elder) when my parents got divorced when I was 2. When my brother was 16 the emotional/mental/physical abuse was too overwhelming and he moved out. My father promptly disowned my brother. When I was 15, I came to the same point and moved in with my mom. Again, he promptly disowned me. I've spent the past several years doing what I can to make attempts at contact and receiving complete and utter rejection.

I called my grandmother back. She said my father had moved from his home in North Carolina (where we'd moved when I was 13) to Phoenix, Arizona. It appears that he didn't tell anyone until he got there what he was doing. He sent some of my "belongings" to my grandparents for them to pass along to me--mind you, they live in NC as well while I live in FL. Granny said they had 17 savings bonds ("do you need the money from these?"), my social security card ("have you been missing that?"), and some pictures. No, of course I don't need the money. They were bought for college, I'm in my last year, couldn't work this summer, went abroad.....nope, couldn't really use that money right now. Oh and yeah, I'd love to have my social security card. Too bad that I had to get a replacement to get jobs and schooling and register to vote and all kinds of other stuff that you do after you're 15 years old. The conversation really upset me. My father had moved across the country to a place I'd never called home. Anything he might have still had of mine, he was sure to have trashed before the move. He sent the stuff for me to my grandparents and not to me. Yeah, I was a little hurt.

I tried to brush it off. My mom and I packed up all our scrapbooking supplies and I grabbed my Dominican pictures and we headed off to her friend's house for a crop. It was a good evening and I got to put together a few pages of memories. It made me miss my host family, but spending time with my real mom counteracted it.

Today we started cleaning and organizing and re-packing all my college stuff. One last dorm move. It's an exhausting process. But, I can't wait to get back to school and get my mind in order and start stressing about "normal" stuff. There's a particular grad school application that's waiting for me there. My chances are 5 in 200+ but it's the exact program I want to get into. I'm not getting my hopes up, but I'm not giving them up either. I've also determined that if I don't get married before I get my doctorate, I'm going to change my name to my mom's maiden name. I don't want to carry that title with my father's name.

I'm back in that weird, growing up, angsty stage of life. I'm not a kid anymore, but I certainly don't feel like an adult. One more year and I'll have to grow up. Oy!

To those who have been used to seeing my comments on their blogs, I'm still reading...just having trouble coming up with something to say.


  1. I am just glad to see you posted. I have gotten use to my "almost" daily Tina fix! I know you are getting ready for school and this will keep you busy, I dare say.

    Today's post is very helpful to me Tina, because tomorrow my eldest daughter and I have to talk about her Dad, the man who raped me. I kept the baby, she is one wonderful person ... She saved my life ... (I was sixteen, and six months pregnant. I was so depress I stole my sister's gun and put it up to my head. Just as I was about to pull the tigger, she kicked me!) We have been so very close over the years, but whenever she wants to talk about her Dad I have withdrawn ... what nice things can you say about a cousin who raped you? I have always been open and honest with my children, but with her, I stayed away from the details. Now that she is in her thirties she wants to talk about it. Egad! Talking about realization! But reading this post I have gotten a little insight into what I must say, or at least how to begin. Thank you.

    I am so glad that Lisa like what I wrote, and that it was helpful. Thank you for sharing it with her. Whew … you had a lot on your mind today, and it must feel good to clean out the cobwebs. I am so glad you had a wonderful time with your mother, how I envy you. I never got the chance with mines she died when I was ten, even before then there were thirteen of us and no one ever paid too much attention to me. But in the end, I have four daughters and at least one doesn’t ignore me. In that I am blessed.

    It’s your Dad’s lost and one day he will regret it. Hopefully when that day come you will be in a mood to forgive him.

    Be well my dear young friend, and here’s hoping you get all the classes you desire.

    Give my best wishes to your friend and mother.

  2. I'm glad I could be of help to you. I could imagine how difficult such a subject might be to discuss. Father's are a tricky subject. It is my dad's loss, but I'm skeptical about him ever regretting it. You can be assured that if he ever does decide I'm not such a bad person after all, I'll be in a forgiving mood. It's not my style to hold grudges--that's his. For all his faults, he'll always be my dad. While I hate his actions, I'll always love him. It's something that few are able to understand, so I just ask that people accept that this is the way I feel. Emotions don't have to be logical.

    I forgot to mention that Lisa did not come home yesterday. She wasn't ready.

    Perhaps the entries might slow up for a bit, but I'm sure they'll gain full force once the drama of school kicks back up ;)