Saturday, August 06, 2005

Fun & Pain

So after all my whining, I decided to take a nap. The phone rang about an hour later. It was my ex full of his normal entourage of excuses begging for my forgiveness. At first I just gave him hell and wouldn't budge about wanting to do anything. Finally I realized that if I didn't give him a chance to make things up to me, I'd be sitting at home feeling sorry for myself. So, I hopped in the car and made the drive, yet again. We went to Sea World, one of our favorite places to visit. It was rather awkward hanging out with this person I dated for three years, trying to figure out how to be just friends. He was sweet and we didn't argue (SHOCKINGLY). He again bid my forgiveness, claimed to have matured and "seen the error of his ways," and asked for the chance to be friends. The afternoon went rather well and I didn't have to think about anything for a few hours while the dolphins and seals and everything else did tricks and jumps and gobbled down fish. It was the break from reality that I'd been needing. Afterward, he took me to my favorite restaurant. Since it's an hour and a half away, I don't get to frequent it. A couple of strong drinks mixed with three hours of sleep put him at the drivers wheel and me completely incapable of driving the remaining hour home. I wasn't so sure about crashing at his place, but he swore he'd take the couch. Despite all of that, we wound up staying up for awhile talking about life and love and us and stuff. It was nice to get things out in the open.

We both slept in, then ate a late "breakfast." I was supposed to visit my friend in the hospital during visiting hours today. I knew her mom had gone to see her yesterday because she was having such a rough time. I wanted to see how she was and what was going on before I drove all the way out there (it's an hour away from my house and 1.5 away from where I was). She told me how much trouble they were having with her. She's not listening, acting out. Everyone is either with her or against her, and since no one understands her, they're all against her. She "attempted" to slit her wrists with a plastic knife. Although, she admitted that she knew it wouldn't work; she just wanted them to know how desperate she was since they aren't listening to her. Her mom drove up there and still wasn't able to see her because she was unmanageable. She's not being personally monitored 24 hours a day. I'm not really sure what set off this downward spiral; a week ago she was doing so well. Given all of this, we decided it would be better if I called to make sure she'd be able to have visitors. They told me not to come. My morale plummeted once again.

I decided I didn't want to drive home at that particular moment because I was so upset. We decided to watch a movie to let things cool down. No sooner did the movie end then did my phone ring. It was her. She was hurt and upset and violent. I tried to explain that she needed to go with the flow and try to get along with the nurses and the doctor. She didn't want to hear that. She was livid that they'd had the nerve to tell me not to come. She is starting to put me in with "them"--those on the outside, those against her. I tried to appeal to her goals, i.e. getting better and coming home. That certainly backfired. So, I stayed for dinner; no use driving with tears streaming down my face.

I'm so frustrated and hurt at this point. I can't do any more for her. I don't even know if I can continue doing what I have been doing. I know that I can't abandon her now, but my strength is wearing thin. Thanks for all your continued support, it means more than I can tell you.


  1. Tina,
    Glad you had some fun! You deseve it.

    On the other hand, and this is about your friend, the truth can sometimes be as ugly as a lie. You need to back up and give yourself some space. It could be, in your attempts to help her, at the risk of your own sanity ... is hurting more than it’s helping either of you.

    There really is nothing you can do, but pray for her ... or meditate some positive energy her way. Don't let her use you as a crutch to hide behind. Remember what I said, we are all abusers in one form or another. Folks who have been hurt abuse those who are trying to help them. They don’t mean to, but they do.

    You got to stop and think about where this is all going. If you let her make you feel guilty because you can’t heal her … this will drain your energy and you will fall in the same hole she is in. Be careful. Sometimes good intentions are more deadly then bad ones.

    I know, because in my pain, I did what your friend is doing … the very persons that were there for me I almost destroyed them with my bullshit. It was a good thing that my friends put some distance between me and them. Gave me an opportunity to see who was there for me and who wasn’t. Eventually, and it took a while, I got my act together. Because when they were not around for me to beat up on, I had to stop and look at myself in the mirror … I didn’t like what I saw. But it was up to me to heal myself. No amount of counseling will heal anyone who has been abused. It helps, but it will not heal. The strength must come from within.

    This is something you need to think about. Right now, I think you need a little counseling … just to counteract the abuse she is putting on you, because you love her. Please do not become a co-dependent! You can’t help anyone if you don’t have the strength to help yourself.

    I know I sound hard, but like I said, the truth sometimes is as ugly as a lie … but the truth set us free. I almost delete this ... but open and honest dialogue with friends are the best way of showing respect. Indeed, I respect you and the wisdom you have exhibited for one so young.

    Be well ...

  2. You don't sound harsh. Sometimes the best treatment is a swift kick in the arse and a reminder that there's this big round thing attached to our necks that comes in handy every once in awhile.

    My post was basically my realization and admittance that I can't do any more. I'm only hurting myself at this point. I can love her and pray for her, but there's nothing I can do to fix her.

  3. It takes courage to move foward Tina, and it takes strenght to accept human limitations. I am glad you will be returning to college soon, it will help distract your mind ... and give you time to bring everything in focus.

    Of course, I will be checking your blog to see what you are going to do about your EX ... there seems to be a good soap opera breeding here, which is better than watching television.;-)

    By the way ... I enjoy the positive relationship you and your mother have. It seems, what little I have read here, you both have a wonderful adult relationship. It was strange to me the first day I had to look at my daughters as women, who were no longer my children.

    You go woman! If you peek in the mirror you will see a lot of wonderful things to look at.