So after all my whining, I decided to take a nap. The phone rang about an hour later. It was my ex full of his normal entourage of excuses begging for my forgiveness. At first I just gave him hell and wouldn't budge about wanting to do anything. Finally I realized that if I didn't give him a chance to make things up to me, I'd be sitting at home feeling sorry for myself. So, I hopped in the car and made the drive, yet again. We went to Sea World, one of our favorite places to visit. It was rather awkward hanging out with this person I dated for three years, trying to figure out how to be just friends. He was sweet and we didn't argue (SHOCKINGLY). He again bid my forgiveness, claimed to have matured and "seen the error of his ways," and asked for the chance to be friends. The afternoon went rather well and I didn't have to think about anything for a few hours while the dolphins and seals and everything else did tricks and jumps and gobbled down fish. It was the break from reality that I'd been needing. Afterward, he took me to my favorite restaurant. Since it's an hour and a half away, I don't get to frequent it. A couple of strong drinks mixed with three hours of sleep put him at the drivers wheel and me completely incapable of driving the remaining hour home. I wasn't so sure about crashing at his place, but he swore he'd take the couch. Despite all of that, we wound up staying up for awhile talking about life and love and us and stuff. It was nice to get things out in the open.
We both slept in, then ate a late "breakfast." I was supposed to visit my friend in the hospital during visiting hours today. I knew her mom had gone to see her yesterday because she was having such a rough time. I wanted to see how she was and what was going on before I drove all the way out there (it's an hour away from my house and 1.5 away from where I was). She told me how much trouble they were having with her. She's not listening, acting out. Everyone is either with her or against her, and since no one understands her, they're all against her. She "attempted" to slit her wrists with a plastic knife. Although, she admitted that she knew it wouldn't work; she just wanted them to know how desperate she was since they aren't listening to her. Her mom drove up there and still wasn't able to see her because she was unmanageable. She's not being personally monitored 24 hours a day. I'm not really sure what set off this downward spiral; a week ago she was doing so well. Given all of this, we decided it would be better if I called to make sure she'd be able to have visitors. They told me not to come. My morale plummeted once again.
I decided I didn't want to drive home at that particular moment because I was so upset. We decided to watch a movie to let things cool down. No sooner did the movie end then did my phone ring. It was her. She was hurt and upset and violent. I tried to explain that she needed to go with the flow and try to get along with the nurses and the doctor. She didn't want to hear that. She was livid that they'd had the nerve to tell me not to come. She is starting to put me in with "them"--those on the outside, those against her. I tried to appeal to her goals, i.e. getting better and coming home. That certainly backfired. So, I stayed for dinner; no use driving with tears streaming down my face.
I'm so frustrated and hurt at this point. I can't do any more for her. I don't even know if I can continue doing what I have been doing. I know that I can't abandon her now, but my strength is wearing thin. Thanks for all your continued support, it means more than I can tell you.