Things are starting to look up, now.
Lisa's doing well. They're hopeful that after her family therapy session on Sunday afternoon that she'll be released. I got to visit her last night and it was good to see her back to her spazzy self again. I realized that those visits are much more emotionally trying than I'd noticed in the past. Despite the good visit, I was really down afterward.
Things with my ex are going smoothly. Surprising, since things between us have NEVER gone smoothly. We've exchanged a few e-mails. Yesterday would have been his little's sister's 24th birthday (she was struck by a car when she was 10). We hung out after he got off work, before I went to visit Lisa. It was a good visit, lighthearted despite what we were each thinking about. I lost a dear friend of mine when she was 10 (I was 16). She called me her big sister and I returned the expression. While the circumstances are very different, Joseph and I have always seemed to connect our "sisters" days together. When we said good-bye he got choked up and thanked me for being a constant support during "these" times of year. We're off to another theme park on Friday. Seems every year we go to Islands of Adventure before I go back to school. This will be the 5th time we've done this. We've both talked about "us." Neither one of us wants a relationship right now, but it's hard to deny the emotions neither one of us has gotten rid of. It's all so confusing because I know that he's not good for me and he'll only drag me down. I'm off to get my doctorate in psychology and his greatest goal is to work at Busch Gardens the rest of his life. Sure there is something to be said for loving your job, but shouldn't that only apply if the job is beneficial to your life. He barely makes enough money to get by and is still stunted by the debt he got himself into 5 years ago. He wants to live in the same sleepy town he's in now, which is not at all my goal. Yesterday we got on to how he was going to ask me to marry him before I broke things off. Luckily we were hot and sweaty and I'd just pounded a drink (I really promise I'm not an alcoholic, although I realize it sounds like it) so I could play off any emotions on the tipsy-ness that was setting in. Oy!
I thought I'd gotten over him. I tried so hard to get him out of my life and my heart. Yet, now, I feel I'm being drawn back into him and I don't know how to stop it. I don't want to be that girl who always has to have a boyfriend, although it appears I am. I really just don't know what to think or feel. Perhaps I should stop over-analyzing everything and just go with the flow.
I thought I'd gotten over him. I tried so hard to get him out of my life and my heart. Yet, now, I feel I'm being drawn back into him and I don't know how to stop it. I don't want to be that girl who always has to have a boyfriend, although it appears I am. I really just don't know what to think or feel. Perhaps I should stop over-analyzing everything and just go with the flow.
I didn't think I had anything to post today. After starting an e-mail to a newly dear friend, I realized I had a lot more going on in my head than I thought. I know none of this makes sense, but then I never do.
... and go slow...
ReplyDeleteJ
I am glad Lisa is doing well. However, she has a hard row to hoe. She will have to walk it, in the comfort of friends, but alone. She is the one that must desire to live, even in this chaotic world. It must be her choice. No one can save Lisa but Lisa. All her friends can do is love her and wish her well.
ReplyDeleteYour post makes a lot of sense Tina. Look, we all use each other one way or another. It's life. We are meant to come into each other lives ... in relationship, no matter how long or short, we give and take, this is a good balance that enables stable growth.
If it works out find, if it doesn’t well … don’t feel guilty. Remember the good times and this will get you pass the bad times. There’s nothing wrong with hanging out with a friend. We all have needs. He takes you give, he gives you take. When the balance is off one of you will leave any way. You can’t protect yourself from pain, but you can grow from it.
I think you will do just find!
Lisa will have a hard row. She'll be with her family and under intensive care for a good while once she's home. I, however, will step out of the picture (other than internet and phone contact) less than a week after she returns. There's nothing I can do about that and it will be good for both of us. I'm looking forward to getting back to my normal chaos at school.
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