Monday, June 06, 2005

F'ing Cancer

Cancer sucks. I can't tell you how much it is bothering me right now. It's taking away the best thing that's ever walked into my life. It took away a wonderful woman, full of faith, with a young daughter. It's plagued so many and torn so many from this world.

I keep starring at this screen trying to get everything I want to say out. Put it on the page so I don't have to have it inside my head anymore. But I can't. I can't make enough sense of it to type.

I love him. That scares me more than even I can fathom. I don't know if it's because I don't know what love is, or if it's because I have been horrendously scarred from those who were supposed to love me unconditionally, or if it's because I know I'll lose him, or if it's because I've found someone too good to be true and I know it will never work out. I love him. There, I said it, it's out there for everyone to see and read. I blurted it out before I even realized what I was saying in a car full of the people I'd tried hardest to hide it from--mainly myself. But I love him, with all my heart, more than those three words can describe. I love him and now I have to watch him die.

Purple. It was her color. It's the color I can't wear 'cause it makes me cry. It's the color of the ribbon for Cancer. The color of death of a loved one.

1 comment:

  1. My dear sweet friend, cancer does suck as does abuse, but in a horriblely different way. You are a fighter, a lover and a good christian. Most importantly you are you. Love is an amazing thing. Dont hide from it embrace it, i beleive it was you who told me that love is a gift from god. That love is something worth fighting for. Whether you know it or not it is an important issue. The pain makes the happiness sweeter. As with the ups and downs. Once again i will tell you, you are amazing you deserve an amazing person whether its tracey or another. Carpe Diem!!! C'est l'vie.