Desperation

I'm supposed to pretend I don't notice
Pretend I don't care
Listen to you talk
Listen to you share

Best friend, that's what you call me
Lover was once my name
But now I guess that's hers
And we'll never be the same

You're with her now
I'm torn apart, confused, alone
Wishing you still wanted me
I stare at the silent phone

If only you could see
If only you knew
Would it make a difference
Could our love be renewed

But I don't have the strength
You don't have the time
It won't ever work
You'll never again be mine

I don't want to love you
Don't want to hurt anymore
Can't stand the pain
Can't handle the heart you've torn

So, please, just keep along
Walk away and ignore my tears
Maybe you'll remember me
When you look back on these years.

Here, LP, I tried. My pathetic attempt at a cheesy poem. I really wish I could stop crying, stop caring, stop wanting to be in his arms. Above all I wish I knew how. Why do I allow him to have this control over me? Why can't I just harden my heart and move on? What was different about the last time, the time I walked away and hurt him? Now he's the one who's left me broken and alone. I know it will never work out, I know he's no good for me, I know I deserve better. Then why can't I convince myself of that. Funny thing is, I didn't want to get back together with him until the past few weeks. Is this all because before I knew he still wanted me and I could turn around at any given moment and now I know he's finally moving on?

I'm feeling so lost and alone right now. My few friends are all hurting right now and I'm the strong one. I have to be strong with my mom, can't let her see me hurt. The only person in the world I can turn to right now might not care, and if he did, it'd hurt all the more. Shit, even the counselor doesn't want to see me anymore. So instead I pour my heart out online to people I don't know and will probably never meet.

Church has always been a place of comfort to me, but right now they're doing this series called "God @ Home" which makes me feel all that much more alone. I don't have a "home" right now. My mom's so far away and I'm temporarily renting this dorm space until I move, yet again, at the end of this year. My father doesn't talk to me nor does most of his family. Right now I want nothing more than to crawl into someone's lap and cry myself to sleep. Too bad there's no one around.

I guess that's all I've got. I'm just hurting so much right now and feel like there's no one for me to turn to. I'll probably wind up calling him and either feel worse because he won't have time for me or won't care...or because he'll toy with my mind and emotions once again, whether intentionally or not. I just want to curl up into a ball and disappear.