Don't drink the water

So I went to the bathroom yesterday afternoon, washed my hands, and walked to my room to get my stuff ready to leave. I hadn't made it as far as my room when there was a hurried banging on our suite door. I answered it, thinking it was odd that anyone would knock, and in such a manner at that. Turns out it was an RA (residential assistant--they're required to knock before entering) spreading the word not to even think about water. Our campus water supply had been contaminated by the constant construction. They'd accidentally mixed our potable supply with our sewage. Don't drink, shower, wash hands, brush teeth...basically unless it involves flushing, don't use a drop of water. Of course I found this disturbing since I'd just washed my hands. I dug out the hand sanitizer I was so fond of when I worked in the after school care program. I was off to dinner with a friend I hadn't seen in three months, so I wasn't all that worried about things (although I did make sure to wash my hands again before I even thought about eating, or drinking for that matter). I figured this would be a quick fix and things would be back to normal by the time I got home. Well, 5 hours later brought no change so we dug out bottled water to brush our teeth and went to bed dirty.

Walking around campus this morning was interesting. All the girls have their hair up, can't imagine why. There are signs all over campus and all conversations are revolving around the uncleanliness of our bodies. There's no estimate as to when we'll have our safe water supply back. The woman I'm working for (basically a nanny gig) told me I was more than welcome to use her shower. I think I'll be popping over there before I have to pick up her daughter from school. Greasy hair, sticky skin, and furry legs....hmmmm yum!

Just DO YOUR JOB

Okay, here's a rampage that I've been on more than once and the fact that I'm on it AGAIN is more than aggravating. I'm lucky enough to have been hand selected for a very prestigious and generous scholarship. Although my expenses are supposed to be taken care of by the school with little to no effort by me, in actuality it's a CONSTANT battle. Throughout this I'll be speaking of two people Dianne who is in charge of the scholarship and transferring the scholarship money to the FAU foundation, and Stacey who is in charge of financial aid and making sure money in the foundation is transferred to their earmarked accounts. While Dianne is generally on top of things, Stacey I've found to be about as intelligent as my cat (which borders on insulting my cat). The process goes that I register for classes, Dianne checks out account balances, transfers that much money from the scholarship fund to the foundation with our names on it. From there, someone, presumably Stacey has to apply the money to our accounts. Because of all the problems with the process, we are now supposed to go tell Stacey how much money will be transferred in our names. I find this ridiculous since the amount and our names are intertwined in the system. We have an online account system that lets us access our student accounts, i.e. class schedules, account balances, holds. The system also lets us see when money has been transferred to the foundation in our names, but not applied to out accounts yet.

Well, this summer I had about $700 worth of credits to be paid for. I contacted the appropriate people and figured everything was underway. Now I come to find that my classes, indeed, were not paid for although the money was transferred in my name. Because of this I have holds on my account...including a registration hold. This is not good as I have one last class I need to register for. Stacey is insisting that the money has been paid and I don't have any holds. Which is clearly not the case. Instead of investigating what I'm saying and fixing the f*ing problem, she decides it's just best to argue with me. She's pissed because after nothing got done following a round of e-mails I called Dianne to find out what was going on. Dianne in turn called Stacey and probably wasn't too nice since Dianne transferred the money back in June. GRRR so now I'm the bad guy who still doesn't have her money!

Honestly, how hard could this all possibly be?

Stress

Okay, its official, the stress just oozes out of the walls here. I'm sitting here, with very little to do. I'm bordering on bored, really. Yet, I'm gittery and can't sit still and feel like I should be doing something. My boxes have long been unpacked, my walls are now covered. This is ridiculous!!

ah the joys of being back at school!!!!

Sadness

::tear:: I just said good-bye to my mommy.

I'm back at school, getting settled in. You know, after four years of setting up very similarly structured/equipped rooms, it gets remarkably quicker. This year I had all the boxes empty and was basically done about two hours after the last bit of stuff made it into my room. The walls are still blank, but as for the bed and the nick knacks and clothes and such...all is in it's place. The new flat panel monitor my mom snagged from her work's charity sale makes life SO much better. My mom drove over with me (and a car load of my stuff). After lots of moving, unpacking, and two nights in a hotel, she's back on the road heading home. I'm so sad. It's so hard saying good-bye, especially knowing how much quieter the house will be for her, alone. But, life goes on and as soon as I start freaking out about my work load tomorrow morning, I'll be just fine. I'm just exhausted from being so excited that I couldn't sleep the days leading up to the move, then working so hard for two days (packing then unpacking) in the FL heat.

Classes, thesis, grad school applications.....oy!! Here we go again!! Good luck to all those getting back to the grind stone!!

Maturity Running Rampant

I was flipping through my grandparent's pictures of my uncle's May wedding (yes, May 2005). I found this one and thought it perfectly counteracted the pic I have in my profile. I can't remember the circumstances, yet I'm not surprised to find this. Just 'cause I'm old enough to act mature doesn't mean I have to, right??

Previous Comment

I followed my own trail of commenting back a few months in pursuit of a particular piece of information. I found my own comment to a post The Voice wrote back in June. As it relates to a few previous posts and provides a bit more back ground information about me, I figured I'd add it here.

There comes a point in life when we begin to question things, particularly those that define us as different from the norm. I was about 8 or so when it occurred to me that I was the only child I knew with my father as my legal guardian (as opposed to my living mother). To explain this, he thought it was best to march me down to the court house and let me read all the divorce documents myself. The battle between my mother and father was vicious to say the least. When I was done processing all that I could handle, I sat in the fetal position with tears running down my face. My father looked at me with cold eyes that cut me to the bone: "You were born to save a dying marriage. When that didn't work, we had to figure out what to do with you." That was supposed to excuse away the years of abuse and pardon the years to come. I tried my best to put it out of my mind, but that's not something easily displaced. He reaffirmed his disgust for me when I was 15 and blatantly demanded that he and his wife stop searching my room. Through clenched teeth, with those cold metallic eyes he hissed, "I hate your G-d damned guts!"

I've never been one for the expression "forgive and forget." There are a lot of things in my life I've been able to forgive, but there are things that one will never be able to forget. It's those unforgettable things, for better or worse, that have made me who I am today and for that I am grateful. For all my lack of self-confidence, I do consider myself a rather successful person. I've done so much and had so many opportunities open to me because of my persistence to not accept the "norm." I want more out of life than I was given. I think I've done a fairly good job at achieving that so far. My father never thought I'd be successful without his help. In spite of him, and to spite him, I think I've turned out fairly well.

Blame God Instead

I'm at a mental road-block. All this packing, and reminiscing has put me in a rather melancholy mood. The following is a song by a group that has morphed quite a bit in the past year. At one time the lead guitarist was a friend of mine. I have no idea if this song will be on the soon-promised album. I've always liked this song, but never put anyone in my life with it until Tracy. Walking around Orlando last weekend, I kept doing double takes, fully knowing that he'd have no reason to stray so far from his CO home. I'm pretty much over his antics, but every so often he creeps back into my mind.

I do a dub-a-double take a thousand times a day
No matter where I go I always think I just saw your face
And every time I realize I'm wrong
A part of me still can't believe you're gone

With everybody in my life I'm obligated to explain
Who I am, what I said, what I meant, why I feel this way
But you knew more about me than I knew myself
I'll never find the same in anyone else

When you left me, you never even said good-bye
Since you left me, all I can do is wonder why
I'd feel so much better off with you dead
Then I'd still believe in you and I'd blame God instead

Remember how the days and nights started to feel the same
Time had a way of stopping when I cried out your name
But the voice I just heard made my blood run cold
In the blink of an eye your heart just turned to stone

When you left me, you never even said good-bye
Since you left me, all I can do is wonder why
I'd feel so much better off with you dead
Then I'd still believe in you and I'd blame God instead

When you left all my friends told me that I should move on
That I deserved better than you
Sometimes I wish you'd died
Then I could greive in peace
And everyone would understand the pain I'm going through

When you left me, you never even said good-bye
Since you left me, all I can do is wonder why

No, no, no, no, no
When you left me, you never even said good-bye
Since you left me, all I can do is wonder why
I'd feel so much better off with you dead
Then I'd still believe in you and I'd blame God instead

When you left me, you never even said good-bye
Since you left me, all I can do is wonder why
I'd feel so much better off with you dead
Then I'd still believe in you and I'd blame God instead

I do a dub-a-double take a thousand times a day
No matter where I go I always think I just saw your face

~Alex Bach

Words to Live By

"When I stand before God at the end of my life I would hope that I would have not a single bit of talent left and could say, 'I used everything you gave me.'" ~ Erma Bombeck

Realizations

A fun weekend, growing emotions, and some very real realizations kept me busy. Joseph and I carted off to Universal Studios on Friday. We had a spectacular time. Everything keeps running so smoothly between us and the old emotions are hard to ignore. Right before lunch, he announced that he was going to follow through on a promise that he'd made a long time before. Walking to the Barney gift shop, I realized he was going to buy me the stuffed Barney I'd asked for one year for my birthday. It's a long story but basically revolves around my late "little sister." Of course I was bawling. It was one of the sweetest, most selfless gestures I've ever known him to do. The day continued without a glitch. He took me to a bar nearby that he'd always talked about (but that I was too young to enjoy, previously). One drink and I was toasted. Perhaps Pat Obrien's Hurricanes ring a bell with some of you. He was a perfect gentleman and drove me home, at which time I promptly passed out. We were meeting friends for dinner then had plans to go back to their house (where I was going to spend the night). We got to dinner and I could barely keep my sleepy little head up (four hours of sleep mixed with a cocktail). We had to run back to his house to grab the overnight bag I'd dropped there earlier. We both needed to use the bathroom as well. I went first since I was about to pee my pants. His bathroom mission was going to be more lengthy, so I laid down to wait. By the time he was done I was PASSED out cold. We slept in each others arms, presumably for the last time.

Daylight brought a lot of clarity. As we laid there and talked, I mentioned that God had been missing from our relationship before. He didn't get it. I knew he never would. I tried to talk about my beliefs, knowingly in vain. While he proclaims to be Episcopalian, his beliefs are closer to agnostic bordering on atheist. I knew that despite any emotions or feelings or chemistry, our relationship would never work out. It ended the first time over a bunch of little petty stuff; it will never start again because of the bigger issues. He talked about how opposites attract. I tried to explain that opposite interests may attract, but opposite values and belief systems do not. He talked about compromise. I'm sorry, perhaps I'm just a bitch, but there are some things in a relationship I am NOT willing to compromise on--religion being one of them. I tried to explain that at this point in my life, dating for fun is beginning to fade away while dating to find a life partner is taking precedence. In searching for that life partner, I need someone who is going to agree on how to structure our relationship and eventually on how to raise our children. The concept of merging this last idea with faith was beyond him. My point, exactly. He doesn't believe the same as I do. His priorities aren't nearly the same in life. Tears came to my eyes as I realized I'd have to let go of him once again.

I went over to my friend's house that I was supposed to have stayed with. We hung out for a few hours and doubled over in laughter when the wife attempted to make pancakes. Talk about someone with common sense. She literally mixed up an entire recipe worth of pancake mix and poured it all into the frying pan at once. I'm not really sure what she was thinking. I turned the burner way down and tried to bake it, flipped it with a plate, and continued my "baking" attempts. In the end, her 14 pancake serving size in 1 turned out not so bad. We made her eat it and we ate the pancakes I cooked.

Then it was off to visit Lisa. I called my uncle on the long drive there. My uncle is my male figure. We connected a few years ago and became very close. Our conversations will range from topics that have one of the two of us crying to topics that have us both crying with laughter. It had been a while since we'd talked and I figured it was time to catch up. We talked and talked and I told him a lot of what I've been posting. While it's good to type it out, it felt so good to talk to him about it.

Lisa was doing well, a little too hyper for my exhaustion, really. I took it as a good sign and filled her in on all the gossip of the weekend. She was nervous about the family therapy session the next day and her possible homecoming. We giggled and chatted and bullshitted for the allotted 1.5 hours and I left (LP, I dropped off the comment you made on her blog, along with the fig tree post--she was very touched and said they were very helpful).

When I got back to my truck I saw that I'd missed a call from my dad's parents. I checked my voicemail to hear my grandmother in a rather worried voice saying that they needed to talk to me. My first thought was of my ailing grandfather, but that was quickly replaced with the feeling it had something to do with my dad.

Perhaps I should digress a bit here to give a bit of background information. My dad had full custody of me and my brother (8 years my elder) when my parents got divorced when I was 2. When my brother was 16 the emotional/mental/physical abuse was too overwhelming and he moved out. My father promptly disowned my brother. When I was 15, I came to the same point and moved in with my mom. Again, he promptly disowned me. I've spent the past several years doing what I can to make attempts at contact and receiving complete and utter rejection.

I called my grandmother back. She said my father had moved from his home in North Carolina (where we'd moved when I was 13) to Phoenix, Arizona. It appears that he didn't tell anyone until he got there what he was doing. He sent some of my "belongings" to my grandparents for them to pass along to me--mind you, they live in NC as well while I live in FL. Granny said they had 17 savings bonds ("do you need the money from these?"), my social security card ("have you been missing that?"), and some pictures. No, of course I don't need the money. They were bought for college, I'm in my last year, couldn't work this summer, went abroad.....nope, couldn't really use that money right now. Oh and yeah, I'd love to have my social security card. Too bad that I had to get a replacement to get jobs and schooling and register to vote and all kinds of other stuff that you do after you're 15 years old. The conversation really upset me. My father had moved across the country to a place I'd never called home. Anything he might have still had of mine, he was sure to have trashed before the move. He sent the stuff for me to my grandparents and not to me. Yeah, I was a little hurt.

I tried to brush it off. My mom and I packed up all our scrapbooking supplies and I grabbed my Dominican pictures and we headed off to her friend's house for a crop. It was a good evening and I got to put together a few pages of memories. It made me miss my host family, but spending time with my real mom counteracted it.

Today we started cleaning and organizing and re-packing all my college stuff. One last dorm move. It's an exhausting process. But, I can't wait to get back to school and get my mind in order and start stressing about "normal" stuff. There's a particular grad school application that's waiting for me there. My chances are 5 in 200+ but it's the exact program I want to get into. I'm not getting my hopes up, but I'm not giving them up either. I've also determined that if I don't get married before I get my doctorate, I'm going to change my name to my mom's maiden name. I don't want to carry that title with my father's name.

I'm back in that weird, growing up, angsty stage of life. I'm not a kid anymore, but I certainly don't feel like an adult. One more year and I'll have to grow up. Oy!

To those who have been used to seeing my comments on their blogs, I'm still reading...just having trouble coming up with something to say.

The Trick Is To Keep Breathing

Someone posted a reference to this song on LP's acrostic about me. I did some digging and found the lyrics. Still haven't heard the song, but sounds like it should be good.

The Trick Is To Keep Breathing

She's not the kind of girl
who likes to tell the world
about the way she feels about herself
She takes a little time
in making up her mind
She doesn't want to fight against the tide

Lately I'm not the only one
I say never trust anyone
Always the one who has to drag her down
Maybe you'll get what you want this time around

Can't bear to face the truth
So sick he cannot move
and when it hurts he takes it out on you

Lately I'm not the only one
I say never trust anyone
Always the one who has to drag her down
Maybe you'll get what you want this time around

The trick is to keep breathing
The trick is to keep breathing

She knows the human heart
and how to read the stars
Now everything's about to fall apart

I won't be the one who's going to let you down
Maybe you'll get what you want this time around
(the trick is to keep breathing)
I won't be the one who's going to let you down
(the trick is to keep breathing)
Maybe you'll get what you want this time around
The trick is to keep breathing
The trick is to keep breathing
The trick is to keep breathing
The trick is to keep breathing
The trick is to keep breathing
The trick is to keep breathing
The trick is to keep breathing
Garbage

A bit of randomness

Things are starting to look up, now.

Lisa's doing well. They're hopeful that after her family therapy session on Sunday afternoon that she'll be released. I got to visit her last night and it was good to see her back to her spazzy self again. I realized that those visits are much more emotionally trying than I'd noticed in the past. Despite the good visit, I was really down afterward.

Things with my ex are going smoothly. Surprising, since things between us have NEVER gone smoothly. We've exchanged a few e-mails. Yesterday would have been his little's sister's 24th birthday (she was struck by a car when she was 10). We hung out after he got off work, before I went to visit Lisa. It was a good visit, lighthearted despite what we were each thinking about. I lost a dear friend of mine when she was 10 (I was 16). She called me her big sister and I returned the expression. While the circumstances are very different, Joseph and I have always seemed to connect our "sisters" days together. When we said good-bye he got choked up and thanked me for being a constant support during "these" times of year. We're off to another theme park on Friday. Seems every year we go to Islands of Adventure before I go back to school. This will be the 5th time we've done this. We've both talked about "us." Neither one of us wants a relationship right now, but it's hard to deny the emotions neither one of us has gotten rid of. It's all so confusing because I know that he's not good for me and he'll only drag me down. I'm off to get my doctorate in psychology and his greatest goal is to work at Busch Gardens the rest of his life. Sure there is something to be said for loving your job, but shouldn't that only apply if the job is beneficial to your life. He barely makes enough money to get by and is still stunted by the debt he got himself into 5 years ago. He wants to live in the same sleepy town he's in now, which is not at all my goal. Yesterday we got on to how he was going to ask me to marry him before I broke things off. Luckily we were hot and sweaty and I'd just pounded a drink (I really promise I'm not an alcoholic, although I realize it sounds like it) so I could play off any emotions on the tipsy-ness that was setting in. Oy!

I thought I'd gotten over him. I tried so hard to get him out of my life and my heart. Yet, now, I feel I'm being drawn back into him and I don't know how to stop it. I don't want to be that girl who always has to have a boyfriend, although it appears I am. I really just don't know what to think or feel. Perhaps I should stop over-analyzing everything and just go with the flow.

I didn't think I had anything to post today. After starting an e-mail to a newly dear friend, I realized I had a lot more going on in my head than I thought. I know none of this makes sense, but then I never do.

Suzy Homemaker

So yesterday I threatened to turn my mom in for insurance fraud. She wanted me to cook dinner for her and a friend. Now, while this may be a normal activity for a 20-something, it is not, however, a common occurrence for me. When I was in high school it was a rarity that I was actually home for dinner, let alone home long enough to attempt to cook. Now that I’m at school, we’re required to live in the dorms all four years. My cooking set up there consists of a mini-fridge, microwave, and toaster oven—not exactly your gourmet chef set up. So, I claimed that she must have been out to get the homeowner’s insurance money that we’d get once I burned the house down.

Not only was I supposed to cook, but the house was a mess and there was nothing in the house to cook with. Being the good little daughter that I am, I ran errands and went grocery shopping, and cleaned the house before starting on my cooking endeavor. I should invite some friends over now. The house looks great, if I do say so myself. I suppose since I’m not working this summer, this is the least I can do for my mom feeding me and putting a roof over my head.

I loved Mami’s cooking in the Dominican Republic and stood over her should a few times and took notes. My recipes, however, are less than specific. For example, the dish I was attempting to make last night included the following instructions: water, tomatoes, garlic, salt, onions, jalapeño…boil and blend. While that might work out for an experienced cook, I was less than convinced of my abilities to create something edible from this. But, I tried. Everything was going fairly well until it came time for the blend step. Being the brilliant Honors College student that I am, I put the boiling concoction into the blender, held the top down, and pressed liquefy. It didn’t take very long for the top to become unbearably warm, causing me to jerk my hand off the lid. All I could see was tomato goo flying all over our kitchen. Luckily, this premonition prompted me to turn the blender off before the top came rocketing off. At this point I realized it was probably not a bad idea to let it cool a bit before I went back to trying to puree everything.

The sauce turned out okay, a little watery (in taste and texture) and didn’t even have a hint of a kick to it. My guinea pigs found not fault with it, but knowing the exquisite taste that came from Mami’s hands, I knew it wasn’t up to par. I poured too much sauce on the nachos, too. But, it didn’t taste all that bad. All in all, it was a pretty decent. We had green beans and canned pears along with it. Mom had requested that I buy a cantaloupe. I tried to acquiesce this request, but after I looked at them all, picked up a few, sniffed them, shook them, and knocked on them I determined that I hadn’t the slightest idea on how to pick out a melon. Tres Leches and Key Lime Pie (made by the grocery store bakery) rounded out the meal with some Bacardi O3 for the after dinner conversation.

It was a pretty nice evening, particularly for my mom who’d been at work all day and her friend who has been attending to her dying father for the past three weeks. After the evening was over my mom went into the kitchen to get something to drink. She was shocked to find it spotless. She hadn’t seen me cleaning as I went nor cleaning at any other point in time. Okay, I know I’m bragging, but I’m proud of my limited Suzy Homemaker skills!!

Morning Antics

Bacon, my cat, left a note by the computer informing us that the litter box was not clean to his standards--how special. I cleaned it, but we don't have any crystals and not a ton of litter (his preference is a thin layer of Tidy Cat Odor Crystals on the bottom of the box covered by Wal-mart brand litter half filling the box). It will suffice for now, but probably not for very long. Oop- he just came out of the potty room and is yelling at me. Oy!

And I thought chicks were supposed to be the ones that are high maintenance!!

Drama

LP is most certainly correct; my relationship with my ex-boyfriend is like a bad soap opera. Not like the LA soap operas that start and end in one season. No, our relationship is like the US soap operas that run for years and years and it doesn't seem to matter how much time you've lost in the middle, when you tune back it, it's always just about the same. It all started almost exactly 4 years ago.

We met, started dating, and fell in love faster than I care to admit. Everyone found it a bit odd that a 17 year-old senior in high school and a 21 year old living on his own would have much in common, but we did. We were on the same level and our relationship flourished for the first year. Then it was time for me to go away to school. Granted my new location was 2.5 hours away as opposed to the 1 hour away I used to be, but our relationship suffered not because of the distance but because of the maturity growth spurt I had upon arriving at college (a fairly normal occurrence as far as I can tell). As far as maturity goes, I was rapidly growing and changing and he was as stagnant as the day I met him. We fought and fought and fought, broke up more times than I care to try to count, half-ass dated other people (mainly as a point to the other that we were desirable on the market), and as always, wound up back together, miserable. This went on for two more years. Finally, last May, I got fed up. I refused to argue with him, refused to play along. I was on my way out to Colorado to work at a children's summer camp for 10 weeks. I told him that we'd go our separate ways, no attachments, for 10 weeks and at the end of things we'd see how we felt. I fully intended to go and get over him. However, when I got there I was so lost and alone. I reached out to him for comfort as he'd been the only one to fill that role for the previous 2.5 years. I got nothing in return. For 6 weeks I barely heard from him and when I did, we FOUGHT. I took that as my sign and got over him.

Colorado was magnificent. I made some incredible friends and had a very successful summer (personal growth wise). Among the friends I made was a 35 year old cardiac surgeon. Of course I didn't expect anything to come of that friendship and barely considered it as such. However, there's no denying when you "click" with someone. Despite our 15 years age difference, we found ourselves spending a good amount of time together, engaged in VERY good conversation. When it was clear that our interest in each other spanned more than just our current friendship, I made my non-sexual intentions EXPLICIT. Everything seemed copasetic. I expected that our relationship would end with the summer, as I live in FL and he's well established in CO.

I came back to FL and made it overly clear that I was NOT interested in rekindling the dampened flame between my and my ex. He, however, was under a different impression. Although he never admitted it at the time, he was apparently prepared to ask me to marry him within the year. He wasn't ready for that kind of commitment and I wasn't prepared to make that commitment to him based on his state. We went out separate ways and things got U-G-L-Y!!! His friends and I had become close in our 3 years of friendship, so they weren't ready to kick me out of their lives based on him. However, it became readily evident that we could NOT be in the same room with each other without a scene. Since it was also apparent which of the two was starting and causing the scene, they continued to invite me over and keep me a part of their lives. The main couple I'm speaking of is the parents of my God-Daughter, my ex's best friend from high school and his wife, also a good friend from high school. We were all pretty fed up with the shenanigans and the immaturity, so we continued our communication and relationship. None of us had much communication with my ex at all. He continued to call and harass me. I'm one of those people who will take quite a bit but have the inability to write people off. My mom has pointed out that during some of my growing pain spats with various female friends, I have had no problem cutting them out of my life. My response to that is always the same: while I make no attempt at reviving the friendship, nor do they; conversely, while I am making no attempt to revive my relationship with my ex, he IS.

Meanwhile, my psuedo-boyfriend from CO continued to call. We continued to have incredible conversations and it wasn't long before we were talking several times everyday. I took advantage of a four day weekend over Veterans Day to go up and see him. I wound up taking care of the poor guy, he'd come down with strep. Everything was going well and while we wouldn't admit it to ourselves, each other, or anyone else, we were falling HARD for each other. Then December rolled around and our worlds' shattered. He was diagnosed with testicular cancer. Because of various personal reasons, he'd suspected this for quite sometime but hadn't done anything about it. Due to the time delay, the cancer had spread to his liver. Now, it's just about un-fightable. The information took a big toll on both of our mental healths and on our relationship. I'm young and have my whole life ahead of me and he didn't want to bring me down or hold me back. So he's pushed me away. I'm not pleased with this move, but I am beginning to understand it. For awhile, I let other people sway my thoughts and started to believe that he'd made the whole thing up and had been lying to me. After a long conversation with a dear friend of mine yesterday, I decided I'd been wrong and shouldn't have allowed others to change what I felt. The person I talked to was also from CO. She and I'd become friends as we worked together through the summer. Her family has known this man since before she was added to the family, so he's like a second dad to her. Although she hadn't talked to him in awhile, she confirmed that he was legitimately sick and became very upset/worried when I explained what had (or probably better put, what hadn't transpired) between the two of us.

Now, we switch back to the ex. There had been literally NO contact from me to him since April. He'd sent me an e-mail while I was out of the country. It was heartfelt and addressed a lot of personal, difficult issues. I chose to respond. I wasn't exactly pleasant, but I wasn't exactly mean either. I laid everything out on the line, finally verbalizing all my emotions and thoughts. It was a tough letter, but it had to be done. Instead of fighting me, he accepted what I had to say and again asked for another chance at friendship. I told him we'd have to see. It finally came to a point where my best friend was in the mental hospital, my relationship with my friend from CO was over, who knows what health situation he was in as well, all my friends are out of town or busy or something. I was lost and plummeting downward rather quickly. I knew I needed to get out and just about the only person I could think of to turn to was him. Our excursion rekindled some old positive emotions, while at the same time I was reminded of the reasons I had had to walk away.

So here I am, in the middle of this all with a plethora of emotions for two different people, neither of which is good for me but both of which I have a strong connection to. Sound like a soap opera yet?? And to think, this was the short version. ;)

Fun & Pain

So after all my whining, I decided to take a nap. The phone rang about an hour later. It was my ex full of his normal entourage of excuses begging for my forgiveness. At first I just gave him hell and wouldn't budge about wanting to do anything. Finally I realized that if I didn't give him a chance to make things up to me, I'd be sitting at home feeling sorry for myself. So, I hopped in the car and made the drive, yet again. We went to Sea World, one of our favorite places to visit. It was rather awkward hanging out with this person I dated for three years, trying to figure out how to be just friends. He was sweet and we didn't argue (SHOCKINGLY). He again bid my forgiveness, claimed to have matured and "seen the error of his ways," and asked for the chance to be friends. The afternoon went rather well and I didn't have to think about anything for a few hours while the dolphins and seals and everything else did tricks and jumps and gobbled down fish. It was the break from reality that I'd been needing. Afterward, he took me to my favorite restaurant. Since it's an hour and a half away, I don't get to frequent it. A couple of strong drinks mixed with three hours of sleep put him at the drivers wheel and me completely incapable of driving the remaining hour home. I wasn't so sure about crashing at his place, but he swore he'd take the couch. Despite all of that, we wound up staying up for awhile talking about life and love and us and stuff. It was nice to get things out in the open.

We both slept in, then ate a late "breakfast." I was supposed to visit my friend in the hospital during visiting hours today. I knew her mom had gone to see her yesterday because she was having such a rough time. I wanted to see how she was and what was going on before I drove all the way out there (it's an hour away from my house and 1.5 away from where I was). She told me how much trouble they were having with her. She's not listening, acting out. Everyone is either with her or against her, and since no one understands her, they're all against her. She "attempted" to slit her wrists with a plastic knife. Although, she admitted that she knew it wouldn't work; she just wanted them to know how desperate she was since they aren't listening to her. Her mom drove up there and still wasn't able to see her because she was unmanageable. She's not being personally monitored 24 hours a day. I'm not really sure what set off this downward spiral; a week ago she was doing so well. Given all of this, we decided it would be better if I called to make sure she'd be able to have visitors. They told me not to come. My morale plummeted once again.

I decided I didn't want to drive home at that particular moment because I was so upset. We decided to watch a movie to let things cool down. No sooner did the movie end then did my phone ring. It was her. She was hurt and upset and violent. I tried to explain that she needed to go with the flow and try to get along with the nurses and the doctor. She didn't want to hear that. She was livid that they'd had the nerve to tell me not to come. She is starting to put me in with "them"--those on the outside, those against her. I tried to appeal to her goals, i.e. getting better and coming home. That certainly backfired. So, I stayed for dinner; no use driving with tears streaming down my face.

I'm so frustrated and hurt at this point. I can't do any more for her. I don't even know if I can continue doing what I have been doing. I know that I can't abandon her now, but my strength is wearing thin. Thanks for all your continued support, it means more than I can tell you.

Talk about Rejection

Warning: Full blown temper tantrum

So today was fun. After three hours of horribly restless sleep, I got up and attempted to get ready for a day out. First I made a mess of the bathroom (don't ask, I just can't do anything the simple way). Then I went to the chiropractor to get my neck yanked on and to see what rides I could or couldn't go on. As soon as I walked in the door I managed to say just the wrong thing to the secretary/wife and royally piss her off. Oops. Then I get in the car to start my hour drive over to my ex's house (on the way to Orlando). I called him to let him know I was on my way. Cell phone's off and the house line is picking up after one ring. I figure he's still sleeping, maybe wasn't expecting me so early. I get 3/4 of the way there and hit traffic. I decided to take the opportunity to call again and see if he was up. Same phone situation. At this point I'm starting to think maybe things aren't that normal. I wouldn't care if he had an overnight visitor, I'd feel sorry for her really...however, it would be rather awkward to ring the bell and introduce myself as the ex to the latest lay. So I called a friend of mine who lives near him and always works at a truck stop where his car frequently winds up (I told him not to buy that POS). Nope, car's not there. I drive by his house, not a single car in the driveway and still no answer to any phone. At this point I'm steaming and left a not so sweet voicemail. I figured, his mom's been sick, his grandmother is old, perhaps something went array last night. So I called his mom (who lives in the same neighborhood). Nope, no word from him. She was under the impression he was at work. Called his best friend (who is still one of my close friends), perhaps he's heard something...no answer. So I head down to the truck stop because my friend doesn't want me to drive back upset. There is something innately uncomfortable about a 20-something, blonde chick wondering around a truck stop. While I could probably hold my own in car talk, I am no match for stuttering, dirty males who can't seem to figure out that those aren't my eyes. After awhile I'd had enough of that and decided to just suck it up and go home. My mom tried to convince me to go to the theme park alone, like that would make me feel less lonely and abandoned. Or perhaps I could just wonder around the outlet malls. Terrific idea, I'll wonder aimlessly with no one to talk to, in and out of stores with no purpose and not a single penny to spend. That will definitely make me feel better. So I continue home. I finally hear back from his best friend, he's heard nothing either.

So here I am the chick who gets stood up by everyone, including her desperate ex-boyfriend. I'm going to go crawl under the covers and pretend I don't exist, since no one else seems to know that I do.

Sleep?? What's that??

There's something overly discouraging about lying in bed, starring at your ceiling for two hours straight knowing that you want to be out the door in 6 hours and that your body needs it's minimum 8 hours rest to be even slightly productive (or amiable).

But then, I don't have to be productive tomorrow. However I do have to be on guard. I'm taking a day off from life--a day where I don't have to think. The plan is to spend the day with an old "friend" terrorizing some Orlando theme park. Sure, I know I'm playing with fire and I'll probably get burned, again, somewhere down the line. But, there comes a point when the dust settles and you look around to see who's still standing on your side. When you find there's only one person left, the fact that he's your needy, annoying ex-boyfriend seems less than important. Perhaps I'm leading him on despite the fact that I've made my intentions overly clear, and perhaps it's not a good idea given the insurmountable sexual tension between us. But then, I've gotten to the point where I just don't care. I need to get out of this house. I need to have a good time. I need to feel like myself again. And I need to do it without spending money (doesn't hurt that he works for a theme park so he gets in free to all of them and I have passes left over from our dating days). If nothing else, we always had fun hitting up the theme parks together (a testament to his overwhelming immaturity). So what the hell, right?

I know, I know. I'm not really buying it either. We had fun together, sometimes, but we're not good together (as a couple). I know this is a bad idea, but I really just don't care (at least I'm telling myself that). Above all, I really just want to get out and do something to make me smile. He's been trying to be friends since we broke up over a year ago, but he just can't handle it. This summer we've been e-mailing and that's seemed to be pretty okay. He wants another chance, I want a friend who won't drain the shit out of me. So, maybe one day out won't be so bad??

WHOO HOO

Check out the Sources of Inspiration section of my side bar!! I finally won my first attempt to play with HTML code. But I figured I owed it to my loving supporters!! Sorry, just a bit proud of my new addition.

Counting the fallen...

Our local news just covered the memorial service of a 25 year old solider who was killed in Afghanistan. He's one of 16 service men from Florida that have fallen in Afghanistan. Iraq has taken 76 more Floridians.

The overall numbers are so overwhelming that I have trouble processing them. The smaller (yet all too large), closer-to-home numbers are what seem to get me. It's so hard to imagine while I'm living my pathetic life, going to school, working toward my goals, people my age are out there fighting for my ability to do that--dying to allow me to think, feel, express, learn, breathe, and live. That's a hard concept for me to get my meek mind around.

I don't pretend to take a side on the politics of the war. Although, the human side of it is unavoidable. I pray, equally, for all those involved on every aspect of the war. God (or whatever you care to call the Supreme Being I choose to believe in), be with them all and bring peace to all the nations involved before more lives, civilian or military, are sacrificed.

Quiero regresar...

buenas días, de nuevo
el calor y la humedad
jugo de mango
arroz y habichuelas
pan
siempre con amor
la brisa
la lluvia al mediodía
mi siesta
la gente en el patio
Moisés es la escalera
las novelas llorando en la sala
un beso y buenas noches

Quiero oler la almuerza en la cocina
Quiero oír los niños en el patio
Quiero respirar el aire limpio
Quiero soñar debajo del mosquitero
Quiero estar en los brazos de Mami
Sólo pasé mesas allí
Pero ya la falto
Quiero regresar

everybody's fool

perfect by nature
icons of self indulgence
just what we all need
more lies about a world that

never was and never will be
have you no shame don't you see me
you know you've got everybody fooled

look here she comes now
bow down and stare in wonder
oh how we love you
no flaws when you're pretending
but now i know she

never was and never will be
you don't know how you've betrayed me
and somehow you've got everybody fooled

without the mask where will you hide
can't find yourself lost in your lie

i know the truth now
i know who you are
and i don't love you anymore

it never was and never will be
you're not real and you can't save me
somehow now you're everybody's fool

Evanescense

Forgive the random insertion of lyrics. I'm coming down off a drink (that I probably shouldn't have had anyway) and trying to figure out where I miss the turn off in my previous relationship. How is it that he fooled me so long?

My breaking point

There's only so much I can do for everyone else, only so far I can be pushed. I'm only one person, meek, lost, weak, and uncertain. There's only so much I can do. I've got to figure this whole life thing out for myself before I can do it for you, too. Yet, when you come to me, I can't turn away. I try with all I know how to help you. There's only so much I can do. All my suggestions, all my attempts, they feel like so little compared to your mounting problems. For some, that's all they need, a hug and a friend and someone to stand beside them. And my small efforts are appreciated and I can continue to work on me. But for others, they take and take and take until I can't give anymore. Yet, they're upset when I can no longer bend, stretch, and maneuver to help them. It's not my fault that I can't fix your problem. There's only so much I can do. Turning to me time and time again. What about me?? Aren't my problems important, too?? Am I not allowed to feel?? Why must I hide what I am going through to save you?? I don't understand what you want from me. There's only so much I can do. I can't fix everything for everyone. Really, I can't fix much for anyone. I can love; that's about all I got but it's wearing thin. Love works two ways. I'll love you and support you and help you all I can, but it has to come back to me. I have to know you care. There's only so much I can do. You have to help me help you. If you're not strong enough to fix it, I won't be strong enough alone either. We have to work as a team to get through this. And when we're done, how about me. I need help, too. I've put it all aside to be there for you; it's your turn. I'm not asking for you to solve anything, not asking for a miracle. Just be my friend and love me as I have loved you. Just like you, I can't do this alone. There's really only so much I can do.

Better Days...

My friend is doing better, so a heartfelt thanks goes out to all that were/are praying for her. The medicine they're trying seems to be working. I got to visit her on Saturday and saw a friend I haven't seen in years!! She was genuinely smiling, joking, laughing. It literally appeared as if a weight had been lifted off her shoulders/heart. Her problems at home aren't changing, not getting any better. Please continue to pray for her family as they need His guidance. She obviously wants to be released from the hospital, but at the same time she feels at peace there. In a way it makes me happy that she's finally found a touch of peace in this crazy world and in her crazier life. But then, she's not in the "real" world at the moment, the stresses of daily life cannot reach her. For now, I'll focus on the good while continuing to support and help her.

Again, I appreciate all the thoughts and prayers...keep them coming, we're not through this yet!

Mindless 2am conversations. . .

Me: LOL...my cat just sneezed on my mom

Me: I'm not sure why that's hysterical right now

Fake-Doug: haha, I think cats sneezing...hell, I think any animal sneezing is hilarious

Fake-Doug: I'd like to see a giraffe sneeze

Me: eeewwwww

Fake-Doug: how does that even work?

Me: they're all slobbery as it is

Fake-Doug: is a giraffe sneezing like a bee sting? it can only do it once or something?

Fake-Doug: it'd be the world’s biggest headbang

Fake-Doug: these are the things I wonder

Me: wow

Fake-Doug: I've never even thought about that before right now

Fake-Doug: I must find the answer

Me: lol, good luck with that

Me: "so what did you do Saturday night?"

"I pondered giraffe sneezes online with a guy-I-used-to-know's roommate...how about you??"

Fake-Doug: that's the start of a good conversation right there

Fake-Doug: screw getting drunk and going out, I've got important learning to do

Me: "important"

Fake-Doug: I don't know where to go from that, I'll be honest, lol

Later...

Fake-Doug: I like your writing, fyi

Me: ::blushes::

Me: thanks, I guess

Me: my professors don't like it

Fake-Doug: I don't know them, but they suck

Fake-Doug: I can't back that up

Me: I'll be sure to tell them that

Me: as they're reading and signing off on my thesis

Fake-Doug: tell them, "Some guy named Fake-Doug likes my blog, so kiss my ass"

Wanting more...

I've come to a point where I can't decide if he's for real or toying with me in an unspeakable way. It's always something; one thing after another. It all seems legit enough, except that it continually piles up: serious illness, loss of job... I can't figure out what to believe and what to question. How many broken promises does it take before I finally wake up and start to think that maybe it was one big lie all along?? (Quite a few apparently) How does a relationship go from absolutely incredible to absolutely horrible in the snap of a finger? I've never been treated so wonderfully as I was during the first 6 months of our relationship. Yet, I've never been treated so poorly as the final 6 months of our relationship. Why is it that I hang on so long after I know that it's over; why must I try to save it, fix it, make it happen when it's obvious it's over?

I'm stuck in this conudrum....is he at an incredibly horrendous place in life and I'm being an incredible bitch....or is it that he's an incredibly talented compulsive liar and I've been hanging onto every lie like a truth I've never found? But after a few not nasty, but not-so-nice, letters, wouldn't a real guy call to defend and make an attempt at ammends??

Oy, maybe it's just too late and I've run this through my head too many times. They say chicks are complicated; by damn, I'd like to see a straightforward guy!

Suicide

Sometimes I wish I could just fix all the problems my loved ones are battling. I know I can't, but that doesn't ease the pain.

Once again, I am reaching out to my network of friends in family in the hopes of a miracle. Around 10:30 pm on Monday, my best friend attempted suicide. She was on the phone with a mutual friend who is currently living 1,000 miles away. He called me and I hopped in the car and sped over to her house. I sat with her as the paramedics examined her and took her mom to the hospital, trailing the ambulance. A stomach pump, some sleep, and 6 hours later she was released from the ER, but transferred to the psychiatric ward. I sat with her mom at the hospital until she was transferred. At that point we could no longer see or talk to her so after talking to a few more hospital employees, we decided we'd better get some rest. My friend has so much up against her. This is the second time this year she has attempted suicide, the second time she has been Baker Acted. The cards are really stacked against her and she's so lost and hurting. I ask for your prayers for her, her family, and for myself. She needs to heal; her family needs to heal and have strength to help her; and I need strength and comfort. We're all pretty weary at this point. So, if you could keep at least her in your prayers, I would greatly appreciate it.

Funny, I was as desperate as she is now at one point in my life. Yet, I'm still confused by her actions. I guess everyone else was confused by mine, then. I wish I could just get it through her abused little head that I love her as do many people in her life. I wish I could just hold her in my arms and make everything go away, although I know I can't. This is a battle she has to fight for herself. Perhaps I'll be able to hug her again this weekend during visiting hours. Until then, she'll rest in God's loving embrace.

Faith

There's something interesting about faith and the places you find it. I was out of the country for 6 weeks. During that time I was sitting in a catholic church in the Dominican Republic with a priest that spoke a Spain dialect of Spanish (basically the difference between American English and British English). I basically had no clue as to what was going on because I don't get Catholic services to begin with, even less when I can't understand what the dude's saying. Yet, somehow, through all of that, I felt the overwhelming presence of the Lord. It brought me to my knees and tears to my eyes.

Today, I'm sitting here, bumming around in my PJs, loving the fact that I'm home. I get online to play around and find one of my Mormon friends from my trip online. We were talking about things we'd brought back for our families and friends from the DR. I told him that I'd brought a bunch of bibles. He'd misunderstood a conversation we'd had about religion before and mistakenly thought I was something like Atheist. He was surprised to hear that this non-Christian girl would have brought back bibles for her family. I tried to explain to him that I was religious and that non-denominational had very little to do with nonbeliever. I told him that I was fairly certain that we shared many foundations of our beliefs, but that our end result of our speculation was where we differed. For quite awhile I tried to explain and defend my believe system. It's interesting that you often find your true beliefs when questioned and forced to explain yourself.

My religious life has always been a roller coaster. I'd go from believing to questioning to apathy and everywhere in between, time and time again. Despite all my searching, I never strayed away from the fact that there was a God. Just as the moon waxes and wanes, so has my faith. God presence is like the moon; even when I can't see it, I know it's there and when it's out in it's full brilliance and glory, I can't help but see it and stare in wonder and awe at it's beauty.

That's all I got. Kind of random, but then, that's just me!

Bizarre

So last night I was still pissed off at Tracy for not being there when he told me to call Sunday night. After my class, I felt the overwhelming need to text message him. No response. I got home awhile later, and called. No response. Whatever, he can call me; he's the one making the big bucks; he's the one who know's I'm pissed; he can make the effort. So I went about my business and did some homework. I hadn't talked to Lisa in awhile, so I figured I'd call her. I really wanted to talk to her. I got my phone (since I don't know her number by heart) and my calling card (that I'd bought to call Tracy) and headed downstairs to the phone. I looked up her number and started following the instructions on the phone to place a call. When I got to the part where you have to dial the number you want to call, my fingers dialed Tracy's number and I never bothered to look at my phone for her number. There was something wrong. I knew it and I needed to talk to him. So the phone rang four times and my hand was poised, just about to hang up to avoid getting charged a minute just to hear the computer voice telling me I'd gotten his voicemail. Just as I was about to hang up, "Hello?" I was so glad to finally have him on the line, and apparently he was relieved to be talking to me as well. He started with trying to blow off the fact that he'd had a rough day, but his voice was telling me it was something more than rough. I could tell that I was going to have to ask the right questions to get the story out of him. Then he just blurts out that he's out of a job. WHAT?!?!? Apparently there was some huge misunderstanding between him and his boss. She felt it necessary to talk about it to all the employees in his group before discussing the situation with him. So, they talked and something and anger and stuff and he isn't working there anymore. Apparently neither are half the other people he used to work with because they were upset about the way he was treated. So what does this mean for him coming to FL? Who knows?? We'll see, but I couldn't believe that I finally talked to him (since I haven't been able to really get ahold of him since I've been out of the country) and he just drops a bomb on me. Sometimes I think I worry too much about other people, but then, there's so much going on with everyone in my life.

Take care everyone, you're all in my prayers!

Rubber Band

So today my mom sent me an e-mail. It was about a rubber band that I gave to her boss over a year ago. He still has it and it's hanging in his home office.

So the story goes like this. My mom had a boss named John when I was growing up. He was always really nice to both of us, but then all the people in her office were really sweet to me. As I got older, he got promoted a few times. He was still above my mom, but more from a distance. Her companies fiscal year was always the same as the annual year, so every New Year's Eve we had to stay there late, sometimes missing the celebrations. On the eve of the big Y2K freak out, John stayed with us while we ate pizza and watched the fireworks from the windows. After not too long, John and I were both bored out of our minds as there was nothing for either one of us to do since we were both just "supervising." We started flinging rubber bands at each other. From that night on we would fire off a rubber band whenever we saw each other. My mom got upset about it actually. She wasn't really down with her daughter assaulting her "head hancho" boss with rubber bands. He didn't seem to mind, but she was always a bit on edge.

About a year and a half ago her company got sold. My mom was lucky enough to have just moved into a position in the company that the new company planned on keeping (as it turns out, John personally maneuvered that one). However, not all positions were being kept, like everyone in her old department and some of the higher-ups. One of the people hitting the road was John. In good stride he talked about his plans to go to Law School and become a lawyer. One evening there was a big party for the big-wigs who were leaving. Since I'd grown up with these people and I'd worked at the company for a few summers, it was only natural that I was there. When it was my turn to say good-bye to John, I gave him a big hug and handed him a rubber band. I thought it was cute, silly really.

My mom just got an e-mail from a friend who's friend's with John. Somehow he got to talking about the rubber band hanging on the wall in his home office and told her the story about me. The friend e-mailed my mom, who e-mailed me. I started crying as I read it. I couldn't believe a stupid piece of rubber would affect someone that much. I certainly never believed he'd keep it.

Anyway, that's my story.

1st day of classes!!

So today was my first day of classes. I had a blast. My culture class is going to be fun and I have a lot of the background information. My lit class is going to breeze over the book that I took the last half of last fall and am going to take the first half of this fall. YAY!! Now that the biggest part of the drama is over, I'm doing well again.

So for the drama part. Yesterday we took our placement exams. Nearly half of the people here got placed in classes below what they thought they should be in--including me. I freaked when they told me I had to take intermediate. That would so not fly back home and I would probably loose my scholarship and have to take another year or so to complete all my requirements because I would literally FAIL my study abroad if I took intermediate. So, after a lot of tears and a lot of convincing, I finally got permission to enter the advanced classes. Apparently this is something this university NEVER EVER EVER does. I'm not supposed to talk about it, but it doesn't matter to anyone reading this. Plus, everyone basically knows anyway. Oh well.

Last night was "Papi's" birthday. It was so much fun. There were a bunch of family members there and I couldn't keep all the relations straight, but... I'm constantly getting teased about being the gringa. I take it in good stride though! They were talking with us and it was hard to tell when they were switching from Spanish to English. Jokes, wine, rum, cake, and some really good Mexican dish!

All the food here is TERRIFIC and everyone is always happy. It's really so much fun. I don't have classes tomorrow but I already have a ton of homework. We have a meeting to talk about our weekend trip, but that's about it.

Okay, others are waiting for the computer, so I'd better get off now!! Leave me messages--make me feel loved!

La Republica

So I'm here in the country of Spanish, Music, Food, and Fun!!! I'm having a BLAST!!! I've only been here two days but I feel like it's been much longer (in a good way). I miss everyone at home, of course, but as soon as I figure out a way to get around here, I'll be sure to pick up some snazzy souvenirs!! Today we went around the whole city with a student from the university who lives here. It was really fun, but very tiring. Time to go home and eat lunch (it's the biggest, main meal of the day) and maybe another siesta today.

Random Quote of the Day

It's not flashing unless there's nippleage!

Getting Ready!!

Well, it's time to get ready!! I'm off to the Dominican Republic for 5 weeks. I'll try to keep things updated, so look for my adventures abroad.

To all hanging around here, have a good summer, God bless!!

I'm outtie!

Lonely. . .

Have you ever woken up, cuddled tight in the sheets, extra pillows all around, the rain gently falling outside your window, wonderful toughts of that special someone holding you (or you holding them) only to open your eyes and see that you're really just tangled in the sheets of your own small bed at home. No warm body snuggling you--unless you count the cat that protests when you move too much. You silently curse the empty room and wish you could close your eyes for one more minute to be back in his/her arms.

Yeah, it's going to be a long day!

BLAH!!

I could pretend I have something to write, but I really just don't. I thought about my day, the ups and downs and frustrations, but... Maybe I'm just too tired or too apathetic or something.

Oh! There is one thing. As much as we all may complain about the tiny Jupiter campus, upon wandering aimlessly across the UF campus (a few times) I decided our one parking lot, one side walk, and well labled buildings aren't all that bad.

I can't believe I'm leaving the country in two days. Whoa! But just in case you were wondering, they speak Spanish in the Dominican Republic, not Mexican.

Maybe ya'll will have something better to say than me. Leave it!

I hate...

I guess I didn't sleep well or something, 'cause I'm kinda grumpy today--agitated is a good word for it, really. So here's just a whinny list of things I hate:

• ex-boyfriends who continue to call even though it's been over a year since it's been over
• pierced ears that try to close up after a few days without earrings (after being pierced for 13+ years)
• lying awake all night thinking of all the things I wish I would have told him, but never got the courage to say
• sitting by the phone, waiting for a friend to call to go do something—I'll be stood up again, I'm sure
• waking up to find my finicky cat has puked and pooped on the carpet in the living room, damn thing gets cranky when the litter box is even slightly dirty
• spilling purple grape juice all over me and the kitchen floor as my first task of the day
• cranky thesis advisors with their heads up their asses—okay not fair to be plural, but it's for effect
• having absolutely no money and no possibility of working this summer
• being 2,000 miles away from him
• his phone being broken
• his work schedule
• not being able to get comfortable in bed now that my back and neck are actually starting to do what they're supposed to
• waking up more than once to find my entire left arm has fallen asleep (I guess my back isn't totally fixed)
• stupid friends who ask your advice but don't want to hear it when it's given
• stupid people who post online journals then get pissy when someone posts something on it
• seeing the CMR portion of my buddy list hopelessly empty and knowing no one will be on until fall
• and I REALLY despise when people completely disregard me—I said those things for a reason, not just to hear myself talk, contrary to popular belief

GRRR!!!!! Okay, I think I'm done, maybe.

One more post of the night

So I got myself so worked up, I ruined any progress my chiropractor made on my neck and shoulders yesterday. Now I'm dying. Guess I'll hit the IB Profin and the ice and heat packs. Yay for screwed up neck and shoulders.

On a REALLY happy note... Lois & Clark season 1 came out on DVD. As lame as this is going to sound, that makes me happier than I can explain. Now if only I wasn't horribly broke and could afford to buy it. Eh, I'll work on that. Just the fact that it's out is enough for me, for now.

Well I'm off to tend my wounds and get some sleep! G'night all!

Ranting!!!

I'm going to apologize up front. I'm pissed and angry and hurt and upset and shaking and trying not to cry. So this is going to be a bitch-fest!!

I could pretend to mask the identities, but why bother. If you know who they are, you'll figure it out and if you don't know who they are, it doesn't matter if I use their names anyway.

So Jensen and Shell are getting married or something. Shell hates me with a passion...occasionally. I don't exactly know how to predict when she will or won't hate me, but it is fairly random as far as I can tell. Jensen on the other hand, appears to still be at least mildly attracted to me. (The "still" refers to the two weeks we pseudo dated our freshman year of college.) Jensen turns into a completely different person when Shell's around and it's not for the better. He's overly involved with her and claims he's in love. The sappy bastard cries every night in London because she's so far away. Not that she's all that close when he's in the states, anyway, but... Shell won't let Jensen talk to me, as much as she can help it and doesn't hid her disgust for me from anyone. Still, I don't know what I ever did to her. We were friends and stuff, then one day she just snapped. Whatever. But I am good friends with Jensen. I love him like a brother. I want only the best in life for him.

So apparently Jensen's family hates Shell. Not a good way to start a future together, but that's none of my business. Anyway, she finds it appropriate to put mean stuff in her AIM profile about them and to start an online journal to bash them publicly. Apparently someone left an anonymous comment to one of her rantings and they think it was me. I'm neither accepting the blame nor denying the charges. But they're all upset about something that isn't even posted on her journal. So she thinks she can out smart me and get on under his screen name and pretend to be him. Too bad she doesn't talk like him or even bother to set the template like he does. I got bored/annoyed with the harassment and closed out the box hoping my lack of response would get her to leave me alone. Nope, she had to keep pushing. So I saved the last part of the conversation to show him. Too bad that last part had nothing incriminating in it. She's insisting she told me it was her. Which she did NOT. I'm not into playing games and if you want to throw public temper tantrum, expect responses, positive or negative. If someone decides to leave a comment about my temper tantrum that I'm currently throwing, feel free! I deserve it for acting like a baby (which I fully admit to). Anyway, Jensen took her side and chose to believe I was lying and not her. Noble, but still sucks. You can't keep believing everyone else is lying she's the only one telling the truth.

Okay, my phone rang in the middle of this and I talked to an old friend for an hour. So I'm quite a bit more calm. I'm still really hurt, but I suppose I'll deal with it when I get back from the Dominican Republic. It just hurts me so much!

A quick quote

This is someting I actually wrote. It's something I constantly reminded myself of when I lost Katelyn. Now it's helping someone else with their loss. I figured I'd post it to remind myself and to help anyone else who might stumble across it.

She was put here for a reason, to touch lives, to change people, to affect things we'll never understand. She did what she was put here to accomplish and God called her home where she could be free from her aliments, a reward for her hard work on earth...

F'ing Cancer

Cancer sucks. I can't tell you how much it is bothering me right now. It's taking away the best thing that's ever walked into my life. It took away a wonderful woman, full of faith, with a young daughter. It's plagued so many and torn so many from this world.

I keep starring at this screen trying to get everything I want to say out. Put it on the page so I don't have to have it inside my head anymore. But I can't. I can't make enough sense of it to type.

I love him. That scares me more than even I can fathom. I don't know if it's because I don't know what love is, or if it's because I have been horrendously scarred from those who were supposed to love me unconditionally, or if it's because I know I'll lose him, or if it's because I've found someone too good to be true and I know it will never work out. I love him. There, I said it, it's out there for everyone to see and read. I blurted it out before I even realized what I was saying in a car full of the people I'd tried hardest to hide it from--mainly myself. But I love him, with all my heart, more than those three words can describe. I love him and now I have to watch him die.

Purple. It was her color. It's the color I can't wear 'cause it makes me cry. It's the color of the ribbon for Cancer. The color of death of a loved one.

Some days are just harder than others...

My uncle just got married. The day after the wedding, his beautiful new bride looked a little down when she announced that she was in a "funk." We sympathetically gave her a hug and explained that the let down was normal; all the festivities were over, all the family heading home. My grandfather offered perhaps the best statement, "It is important to remember that after every 'high' there is a natural depression that follows." We were all feeling a bit of that "funk" because the weekend had been so wonderful and spectacular.

This past weekend was wonderful. A belated birthday celebration with wonderful friends, dancing, partying, pool fun, and even running into a beloved, long-lost friend. As we all get back to the normalcy of life, I think we're all feeling a bit of a let down. Which is normal. I have to remind myself as well as others. Lonely creeps into that let down. I miss being around everyone, all the people I love. Makes me miss a special someone so far away. The phone rang a few times today, each time the caller on the other end was a bit depressed. Everyone coming down off the high of the weekend; everyone feeling a bit down and assuming they are alone in their self-pity. We're all resting up, all getting ready for the mundane week ahead, and all wishing it could be Friday night, again.

This weekend was fun. I'm so glad we decided to re-play my birthday. More people came, and we did more. A night of dancing at Pleasure Island with drinks on my friends. Since we were worried about people drinking and driving, we all piled into one car. Poor Lisa, laying across our laps, hiding from the cops, pretending not to be the sixth person in a 5-passenger vehicle. Then, I cannot believe I just happened to walk right up to a kid I'd been searching for since I graduated high school. A bad address and a changed phone number distanced us. But there he was, just standing there, almost waiting for me to walk up to him. A big hug and screams of disbelief from both of us dumbfounded our friends. His "friend" was the funniest: "What are you doing hugging up all over this chick?" Yes, my dear friend who confessed his undying love for me on my answering machine when he was a mere freshman in high school is now out of the closet. Then it was off to Waffle House to get some food. So they fed us then put on a show...a new dude was training on the grill. Back at the house, we were all too wired to sleep. Finally at 5am we decided it was time for bed. A late morning was followed by chocolate chip pancakes at 3 and a pool party and pizza in the evening. Good times, good times.

Today, sleep and tending to my uber-cranked neck and shoulders and missing him. Hope all is well with ya'll!!

"It's the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter."
-Marlene Dietrich

It's really happening!!

I got my paperwork in the mail today, detailing my host family and other students going on my study abroad program. I can't explain how excited I am. Been planning this trip since November and now everything is in place and I leave in less than two weeks. Five weeks in the heart of Latin America, far away from everyday life and everyday troubles.

That's about all my news for today. I was a loaf and did a whole lot of nothing!! I pointed to where the sprinkler guy need to fix the sprinklers...that's something, right?? Yeah, I wasn't buying it either.

Tomorrow, the icky dentist, maybe the chiropractor, and picking up VANESSA! Yay!! Fun weekend awaits!!