Moving...

Hi my lovely followers!!

Just FYI...I'm "hiding" this blog.  I might keep it for personal stuff, we'll see...

But follow me over to makingofamodernmommy.blogspot.com!!  And tell your friends!

Mommy and Me...Fever addition :(

So I started feeling cruddy the other night.  My throat got all dry and icky and I tried to chalk it up to scooping the litter boxes and the dust I inhaled in the process.  But it didn't go away....

That night Kevin and Logan both tossed and turned.  They were both asleep the whole time, but both being loud and clearly uncomfortable.  Thus, I was up!  My throat got worse and worse and I tried to chalk it up to not being able to sleep.  But it didn't go away....

Yesterday I felt miserable when I got up.  I tried to play it off as feeling off from not getting any sleep, but my throat hurt too bad and I was too miserable.  I was sick!  :(  I was hoping Logan would get all my antibodies through my milk and he'd be just fine...praying and hoping and crossing my fingers.  But the fact that he had, uncharacteristically, tossed and turned the night before stuck in my mind.  By early evening I had a fever and his temperature was rising.  I called the ped and he told me to give him Tylenol if it got over 100 and to call him back if it reached 102.  Sure enough, next diaper change his temp was over 100.  Poor little guy!  A round of Tylenol (generic, I promise it's safe) brought his temperature back down.  I gave him another dose at bedtime just to make sure he got a good night's sleep.

Today we've been hanging out on the couch, just resting.  He had me up at 5am and I couldn't get back to sleep, partially because I had to take my best friend back to the airport this morning (so going to miss her).  His temperature has stayed down, but my great-aunt told me to watch it as the afternoon/evening progresses. Apparently the late afternoon/evening is when temperatures start going up.  So far today my little guy has just nursed and slept.  I'm glad he's nursing, at least.  Don't need him getting dehydrated.  I'm drinking as much juice as I can (water makes me gag when I'm sick) so I stay hydrated for him.  When he's awake, he's happy and his normal smiling self...just looks worn out and goes back to sleep quickly.

I'm hoping tomorrow brings a happier, healthier day for both of us!

One year ago today

One year ago today my nephew was born.  I was in the middle of fertility treatment that hadn't been working.  I was so frustrated and defeated.  Actually, I had given up on my fertility specialist (reproductive endocrinologist--RE) and had an appointment scheduled with a new RE on the high recommendation of a friend who was fighting a similar battle.

This day last year I was cursing my body for bleeding and begging a nurse to find me a tampon because we were at the hospital much longer than anticipated.  Then I called my mom to pick up my Femara from the pharmacy before they closed.  She knew it was a drug from the RE but didn't know what it did or why (Femara is a cancer drug for post menopausal women that is used to help women ovulate).  Don't think I ever paid her back for that.....Don't think she cares much.... :)  It would still be another month until I ovulated and a couple of weeks after that before I thought to test (thought I hadn't ovulated and was using progesterone cream to hold off my period until I saw the new RE).

Kind of crazy!

10 weeks

So for 10 weeks, we've had this little magical life in our home.  Kind of crazy to think about it, actually.  In most respects, it feels like he's always been here.  Each day is a new adventure.  Today, I'm going to take a minute to brag about my incredible son...

• He rolled over (belly to back) one day shy of 6 weeks
• He's been smiling for real since about 7 weeks.
• At about 7 weeks he really started tracking objects with his eyes/head.
• He met Mickey Mouse at 9 weeks.
• 9.5 weeks he turned his head to look at sounds (namely when someone walked into the room and called out to him)
• One day shy of 10 weeks he started to try to reach out for things.
• At 10 weeks he started trying to grab things.
• 10 weeks and 1 day he was trying to pull things into his mouth.
• Now he's starting to "ask" for play time (though I can't recognize this request as distinctly as hunger and tired)
• I don't know when he started trying to stand, though he can stand fairly well with support for balance.
• He's sleeping through the night almost every night...his longest bout was 12 hours.

Yeah, he's pretty much the most amazing kid ever :)

gDiapers

So gDiapers have had a false start in our house.  Our first take was a day we went to the mall.  The pitiful family bathroom was disgusting at best.  Even though I had something to lay under Logan, the changing area was so gross, I would have thrown away anything that touched it.  Instead, I laid Logan flat in his stroller and changed him there.  He'd been in his car seat a good bit (from 12:00 until probably 1-1:30) at one point getting very upset, thus sweating.  When I took him out to change him, I couldn't tell if his lower regions felt damp because of a diaper leak or sweating.  It felt too minimal to be a diaper leak, but it was only his diaper area...

Fail #1 came in trying to change the wet liner of the gDiaper in the cramped and awkward changing situation.  I gave up and ripped the whole thing off of him and put a BG on him.  I'm glad I did for the rest of our mall adventure.  It turns out there are more than 1 nasty changing stations in the mall.  Seriously...GROSS!

So we get home and I try again with the gDiapers.  Things seemed to be going well.  Fail #2:  Kevin got home and couldn't figure out how to change him.  I was in the middle of getting dinner on the table, so I told him to forget about it and just put a BG on him.  He was relieved at the reprieve.  I noted that I needed to perfect the changing and teach him before I threw that curve ball at him again.

I was determined to make this work.  I tried again with gDiapers when I mistimed the amount of clean BG diapers I had left with the length of laundering.  Well...Fail #3 happened.  I ran to grab something (though now I can't remember what...gotta love baby brain).  I left Logan on our oversized chair in the living room (I promise he was more than safe and sound).  I came back to him screaming, covered in his own urine...which was also covering the chair.  Uff!  I don't know exactly how long that diaper had been on him, but he'd been sleeping the whole time and he doesn't tend to soil/wet himself while sleeping (trust me he makes up for it when awake...the ped said some kids are like that).

So I don't know what to do.  We have the medium size pants which are supposed to fit babies 13-28lbs.  Logan was 12.5 lbs by our scale a week ago but only 11.75lbs by the ped's scale 1/2 week ago.  I'm not sure if this is the problem...he's just not big enough yet?

As for the trouble changing him...I'm wondering if it would be easier to change the insert each time or prep the  extra liner and change out the liner AND insert each time.  

I know a couple of you out there are using gDiapers...any thoughts, experiences, woes, victories?

Cloth Diapers FTW!

Ever since Logan was born, his little butt would get red.  Mostly betwixt his cheeks.  Our pediatrician said it was normal for breastfed babies because their poo is so wet and much more frequent than formula fed babies.  Between the added wetness and added wiping, he said to expect it.  We kept a healthy supply of Butt Paste and Desitin on it to keep the redness down.  When I switched to cloth diapers I was a bit concerned that we couldn't use diaper creams on Logan (ruins the diaper's ability to absorb).  I kept meaning to research natural brands that could be used with cloth diapers.  But the thought kept slipping further and further from my mind.

We've been using disposables at night partially because we have them and partially because I didn't want to fumble with unfamiliar diapers in the middle of the night.  Today he was in disposables a little longer than normal because I screwed up the timing of how many diapers I had left vs the time it takes to wash them (once I start working some I really want to increase my stash).  I went to change his disposable diaper and his poor little butt was all red, just like it used to be.  I realized part of the reason I'd failed to look for diaper cream I could use was because he hadn't needed any.  I felt so bad for his little red tushy.

Our cloth diapers were finally clean and dry so I put him in his dDiapers to take another spin.  When I changed him, his butt was already less red.  He leaked something terrible with the gDiaper (need to investigate why a little more) so I put our trusty BG back on him.  By the next diaper change his butt was barely pink.

I knew cloth were supposed to be healthier and cause less diaper rash, but I didn't really realize how much of a difference they were making.  I think it's time to move to cloth diapers full time!

Cloth Diapers

When I was pregnant, Kevin and I considered using cloth diapers.  The environmental benefits seemed too great to ignore.  But mothers of my mom's generation warned us away and told us to do a service if we did go that route.  All their stories about what a pain it was and stinky and annoying and.... scared us away.  Diaper services were just as expensive as we figured disposables would be.  Just seemed like a lot of hassle.  So we gave up on the idea.

When Logan was about 6 weeks old, I noticed a lot of moms I knew were turning to cloth diapers.  I started looking into them again.  This time a whole new world was opened up to me.  We were no longer talking about pre-folds and rubber pants...we were talking about pocket diapers, all-in-one diapers, hybrid diapers, liners, soakers, inserts, and who knows what else.  I found this site describing the savings of using the various forms of cloth diapers.  In the midst of all of this, Kevin and I were trying to figure out how we were going to afford the expense of diapers each week as our finances got tighter and tighter with me not working.  It seemed like a no-brainer to switch to cloth diapers.  But which kind....

It seemed the most popular brand was Bumgenius amongst those I knew using cloth.  So we started there.  From all the research I could find, it seemed pocket diapers would be our best bet trying to compromise expense with cost.  We wanted one-size diapers so we didn't have to buy new ones as he grew.  Kevin wanted the least involved diapers to make changes easier on him.  Everything I read said the only All-in-one diapers that were worth buying were Bumgenius AIO Organic Onesize.  But, these are the most expensive option.  We didn't want to spend a ton, but convenience was high on Kevin's requirement list.  I took a peak at ebay to see if there were any deals there.  Jackpot!  I'd planned on buying 12 pocket diapers for $210.  Ordering through ebay I was able to get 12 of the BG AIO OS diapers for just $240.  We were pleased with the deal.

Despite assurances from friends that 12 would last me 2 days, we were only making it about 24 hours with 12 diapers, and that didn't include the disposables we were using at night (because we had them left and I wanted to get used to cloth before having to change them bleary eyed).  We really couldn't afford to invest in more at the moment...insert Babies R us gift cards.  The only brand of diaper they carry are gDiapers.  With gDiapers, you have reusable pants with a plastic liner and cloth or disposable inserts.  You don't have to change the whole diaper every time, just the insert.  Sounded promising so we invested the last of our gift cards in getting 2 diapers and 6 cloth inserts.  The disposable inserts (which have lots of neat green features) seemed like a good option for days when we're out all day (like a Disney trip).

So far our only complaint about the BG diapers is that they're bulky.  The bulk doesn't help our issues with having a very lanky baby who outgrows the length of his clothes without ever touching the width.  Our adventures with dDiapers haven't been as successful.  While less bulky, they are slightly more difficult to change.  Not impossible, but probably not a diaper we'll be using out until we get the hang of it better.  The extra laundry isn't so bad with our high efficiency machines and his waste being less than solid (he's breast fed).

It's a fun adventure.  It makes me happy knowing we're saving TONS of money over the course of his diaper lifetime (to the tune of $2,250ish), we're significantly reducing his garbage footprint, he's healthier without all the chemicals and with having breathable materials against his skin (very low probability of diaper rashes), and that he'll potty train faster.  :)

Another Chapter

So here I am in the middle of the latest chapter of my life.  I started this blog so long ago, it seems.  I was in undergrad trying to figure out which way was up.  Years later, I sit on my couch with my son asleep on my chest.  With a BA and MA under my belt, a husband by my side, our first house around me, and my first career on hold, I find myself drawn back into blogging.  So much has happened and changed in such a short amount of time.  I feel like I'm always starting a new chapter, a new adventure, the latest addition to the plot of my life.

Logan Charles was born March 19, 2010 via c-section.  I was absolutely terrified of the surgery, but was assured it was the only way to have a safe delivery.  I think I'll always mourn not delivering vaginally.  Maybe next time...  Since that day, my life has been changed forever, as you might expect.  I've gone from being a Family Therapist to a Stay at Home Mom, from being on the go to not leaving the house most days, from paperwork to poopy diapers...and I wouldn't trade a single moment.

Several people thought I was ridiculous for hanging up my hat for the time being, "All that work to get your degree and you're not going to use it."  I have several answers to that...1.) At the time I got my degree, that's what I "needed" to be doing with my life, 2.) degrees don't expire, 3.) I use plenty I learned in getting my degrees every day, 4.) no degree would ever trump being a mom.

So instead of seeing clients, I'm conquering breast feeding, mastering cloth diapering, gaining my strength back (after not being able to lift or do strenuous activity for almost a year), getting rid of the baby weight, and figuring out life all over again.

Each day, a new page.  Each adventure, the start of a new chapter.  Each chapter, another part of me.

The start/end of an era...

So for the past 22-23 years I've been in school....  Working towards some end (though that "end" changed a few times along the way).  Today started my last semester in school (at least for a LONG TIME).  But I didn't go to class.  You see, I'm in my last stretch.  Only a 600 hour internship left.  I'll only attend class 5 more times, possibly ever. 

Today also marked the last time I'll watch "my kids" because they had a day off from school.  When Shannon's dad (some of you might remember the curly blonde about Haley's age and the guy video taping at the wedding) came to get her, she and I had a really hard time saying goodbye.  Sure I'll still see her/them.  Still watch them for date nights or just to hang out...but it's different now.  It won't be every day.  I won't be helping with homework, correcting their grammar/manners, or be an active part of their little lives.  I won't get my hugs and smiles and love.  It broke my heart to let go of her and even more when I saw her tear up.  I came inside and started to cry (oh, who am I kidding, I was sobbing before I made it to the door).

As I was sitting here crying, feeling oh-so-sorry for myself, my "work" phone rang (the cell I was given at my internship).  It was clearly someone else's cell from work, but someone I hadn't programmed into my phone.  That would be because I currently intern for the mid-county team (read slave for free).  The person calling me was the North county team's supervisor...and my new supervisor.  She was calling me to tell me I was now going to be WORKING for her team.  Yes, that's right, working.  Paid with benefits.

So here I sit, a basket full of emotions.  I'm so sad to be walking away from my kids, but so excited to be walking into my new career.  I've spent YEARS leading up to this point.  Now that I'm here, I'm wondering...."now what?"  I've never taken a break, never stepped back.  I've always had a carrot in front of my facing egging me forward.  School is done, life begins.

And then all of the sudden, I became an adult...

So it's been awhile

I've blogged on and off for a couple of years now. I began to notice that when I was blogging I was depressed. It became my outlet. As I became less depressed, it became more of a chore to keep writing.

Life's coming at me fast now. Kevin and I got married August 2, 2008. We have bought our first home and will close Jan 20. He meets with the surgical consult on Jan 13 for pretty rough (though not risky) surgery that will probably be scheduled as immediately as possible. Tomorrow I will call to schedule an appoint with an infertility specialist (I have PCOS). I have essentially finished my masters and should be given an official job offer from the place I've been interning (they're only considering me and we're waiting on red tape). Like I said...life is coming fast. Maybe when I settle into my job I might pick up blogging again.

Thanks to all who have missed me ;) Feels good to feel loved! Hope all is well out in blogger's sphere!

Now I remember....

So the reason I stopped posting was because life got busy. Hence why I haven't been posting lately. Between school and work and life...yeah

So our landlord suddenly decided he had a problem with our dog. Went off on Kevin and made a huge stink. After some legal advising (c/o someone I work for who's a lawyer), icky land lord has no ground to stand on. Regardless, we don't want to live here anymore. So...

Taking advantage of the absolutely stagnant housing market, Kevin and I are trying to buy a house. House shopping, signing papers for the mortgage broker, trying to make our crazy schedules match with a realtor....

We found a couple of houses in really nice neighborhoods that are priced lower than the average home in those neighborhoods. One is really low but we'd do a lot of changes, some immediate, some over time. The others are at the top of our price range, so it would be harder to make any changes if they're needed. We haven't seen anything from the inside yet, but we peaked in a lot of windows (of vacant houses only, of course). We've got high standards, but we've got time and a crappy market on our side. Some houses are sitting for years. We know of several people who pulled their houses off the market after a year or two. One house in their dad's neighborhood has been on the market for 5 years or so. People are finally starting to lower the prices and things are affordable again.

But, that's all for now. At least all I can share. I'm mixed up in this preposterous drama at school which is annoying, but nothing of consequence, at least for me.

Back to homework and getting this place presentable.

Castro Steps Down

While I think I only have one loyal reader (due to my extended sabbatical), if anyone stops by, I'd love to hear your opinions!

So "Fidel Castro" sends out this letter saying he won't accept another nomination for "president" of Cuba. Interesting. I'm not convinced it was he who sent the letter, nor am I convinced he's even alive.

It's been suggested that his much less charismatic, though far more brutal brother, Raul, will be nominated. While Raul has been standing in for Fidel while he deals with his "failing health" (and/or death), I don't think he'll be able to hold the country together once he's officially in charge. I've read some pondering about some other politician in Cuba being nominated--getting some young blood in there--mind you the young blood I've seen mentioned is 56. I guess if you consider he was only a school boy when Fidel seized the country in late 1959 he would be considered "young."

March should be interesting, just as we line up our candidates for our own presidency, Cuba will "nominate" a new ruler. Now if only we can keep our own driving needs to maintain "manifest destiny" out of Cuba's realm, they might have some sort of a shot at becoming free. And I say becoming free by however they choose to define it. Just because our "freedom" works for the United States, I fully disagree with attempting to impose our beliefs on another country. Just take a look at the middle east or read Bitter Fruit if you need any examples of how it doesn't work. Baby Bush is already jumping on the "let's save Cuba" bandwagon. Leave well enough alone. They'll figure it out and ask for help when/if they need it. It may get ugly, but could you honeslty expect anything else. Fidel was in power longer than any other ruler worldwide (save monarchs). For nearly 50 years it was just whatever he said. If he's not calling the shots, is their old system going to be able to work? Will a new system emerge? Or will we see a series of overthrows, constant toggling for power?

Maybe things won't change. I think they will, at least to some extent. I'd love to see their economy open up. I'd love to be able to travel there. I'd love to see their schools be open to US students. You may or may not know that Cuba has one of the BEST education systems world wide. It's that their economy is so bad that MDs can make more money driving cabs. I'd love to see the United States and Cuba to get over themselves and allow free travel--let families visit each other, let tourists invest in their economy.

Now that I'm in a totally different academic setting, I've got no one to debate, ponder, and/or bounce ideas off of in this respect. Agree, disagree, whatever, I'd love to see some amount of discussion/debate on the topic.

Poop on a stick

I feel miserable. I should have gone to the gym this morning, but the same reason I should have really gone is the same reason I stayed home....

I guess once your body gets used to eat at least somewhat healthy, it really revolts against the not so healthy stuff. I've been trying hard to pay attention to what I eat lately. Last night we didn't manage to get around to eating until nearly 9:00pm. Considering we usually go to bed around 10-11, that's LATE. Being that it was getting so late and we had little to nothing to eat at home, we decided to go out. Just as we were getting in the car, the phone rings. Kevin's mom wants to meet us. Sure, great. Well, we wind up at Bennigans. I'm not a fan to begin with, but whatever. We get there and nothing looks good to me except a burger. I do not eat burgers. I've just never liked them. So it's a bit odd that I would want a burger, but hey, I have been known to eat one every few years. MISTAKE!!!! I got this grease laden pile of fat with a side of french fries. I almost never eat french fries anymore either--not because I don't LOVE them, but because they're way more fattening than I'd like to ingest. Yeah, ate every single one on my plate.

I went to bed feeling less than attractive. Slept for shit. Woke up feeling like I was oozing grease from every pore of my body. My stomach is still all angry and threatening to mutinty at any minute. And I'm afraid to wear anything that puts any amount of pressure on my stomach.

Time to get ready for work and school.

Spectacular!

I guess

I guess I'll try to keep up for now. We'll see where life leads me.

One of the hardest things about becoming a counselor is knowing how to be a counselor and not being able to turn it off in my personal life. I know why your kids are acting like that, and I know how to make it better for you and them. I know why you can't find a boyfriend that will treat you right and I know how to fix it. I love you all and want to tell you, but I'm not your counselor--I'm your friend, your lover, your sister, your daughter, your aunt, your nanny. I have no kids of my own; yet I find myself handing out parenting advice. It's not that I pretend to know what it's like or that I could do any better. I've just spent the last 1/3 of my life working with kids and the last couple of years learning about the mind. I just wish I could figure out how to get that across without being a childless know it all.

We're supposed to be working on this huge paper for one of my classes. It's about our theory of counseling, how we believe people are in general, how they are when they're born, how they become good or bad, how they operate, how they get in trouble, and based on all of that, how we're going to help them see all of that so they can get out of whatever trouble that brought them to us. Everything I know about everything has been constantly challenged in my life. When I think I believe one thing, something contradictory slaps me in the face--and it's usually myself. Then to lose a friend so unexpectedly...makes you question EVERYTHING and leaves you with not a single answer. The harder I try to wrap my mind around things, the harder it seems to be to come to grips with it.

I feel very empty and lost and scared and vulnerable. I snapped at Kevin last night. My intense anger didn't match the minor annoyance of what I was upset about. It wasn't fair and I felt terrible. I told him that.

On a side note, I'm pretty sure God designed the small child to need a nap, not for the child's benefit, but the caregiver's.

It's been awhile....

So it's been awhile. Not really sure why I started blogging, not sure why I stopped, not sure why I'm starting again. Life has thrown me more curves than I know what to do with. I should probably follow my own advice and talk to someone about it. But....I'll just pour my heart out online for the world to see and yet no one to read.

For those who just might pick up where I left off, my life has changed dramatically, but for the good. I'm engaged to a wonderful man who truly is Prince Charming--see previous posts (like 2 years old) about him. The wedding is set for August 2, 2008. Most of the arrangements are made. I just bought my dress last weekend. It's beautiful, but I won't actually get to see it until May. I was so excited and so ready to show off my pictures.....

I've been steadily working towards my Masters in Mental Health Counseling and Masters Certificate in Marriage and Family Therapy. I joined a cohort program. Basically that means that all of the courses we take are together. And these courses are hard core and emotionally intense. I know more about the people in my cohort than I do about some of my friends (and vice versa).

That brings us to now and my current whirlwind of emotions. One of the people in our cohort passed away, very suddenly and very unexpectedly. I've cried and cried until I can't cry anymore. We've had a counselor come and process with us as a group. I've heard every "I'm so sorry." I'm sick of it all. And she would be, too. I'm sad and lost and scared and angry and numb.....numb....numb and sad. Melancholy, really. Nothing makes sense, yet it's all vividly clear.

She was put here for a reason, to touch lives, to change people, to affect things we'll never understand. She did what she was put here to accomplish and God called her home where she could be free from her aliments, a reward for her hard work on earth...

I wrote that quote awhile back. I've found it useful for so many "expected" deaths for myself and friends mourning various losses. It somehow remains poignant today.

That's I'll I've got for now. Maybe I'll be back around... maybe I'll study for my intense exam on Monday. We'll see where the wind blows.

Stronger than some. . .

I got an e-mail today from someone who's never e-mailed me before. I looked at the e-mail address to see if I recognized who it was. I didn't, but the subject line told me enough to know it was a legit e-mail. The e-mail was complementary enough, but the message I got was more from the address than the body itself. The address was "strongerthansome." Some of you out there might recognize this address from Tom. While he seems to be referring to physical strength, it made me think about my various strengths. I'm stronger than some; sometimes I feel stronger than most; sometimes I feel stronger than very few. But I am strong.

I am strong willed. You can read this as motivated or bull headed. Both apply. I'm not about to let anything get in the way of my dreams, but I'm also pretty set on doing things my way with my own opinions.

I am strong physically. I hate when Kevin says, "let me get that so you don't hurt yourself." Yes, I know he's referring to my perpetual neck and back issues that give me tremendous headaches, but I tend to want to interpret it as, "you're a chick. Stand back and let a man take care of it."

I am strong emotionally. I am there for others even when I don't always want to be. I put my own need to be weak behind other's needs for me to be strong, most notably my mother. I guess this is probably not a terrible trait since I want to be a clinical pyschologist.

I am strong scholastically. I don't let myself think, let alone say, this one often. I'm so afraid of offending and/or sounding big headed. But, damn it, I graduated from 1 of 4 true honors colleges in the country with a 3.5 GPA.

I am strong spiritually. This one waxes and wanes a bit. But, it doesn't ever disappear. I fully believe that Christ died to save me and that He (the whole trinity) are always with me. Though I do things I know that aren't the best, I'm finally learning what unconditional love means.

I am a strong lover. No, that's not what I mean; though I'll neither accept or deny that compliment. I throw all of myself into a relationship. Perhaps this is bad, but I don't go at things half-heartedly. I take dinner to my boyfriend when he's stuck at school, I meet him for lunch, I plan things that he'd love to do, I'm strong when he needs to be weak, I'm weak when he needs to be strong. I put all of my heart into it, and this time, I've found someone who has, too.

I am a strong friend. I won't let my friends disillusion themselves. I'll be a bitch if that's what they need me to be. I'm not going to sit back and let them pretend that everything's fine if it isn't. I won't give up either. I've often said (half jokingly) "all of my friends have issues!" If you think about it, we all have issues. I take it as a sign of confidence and trust that I know many of my friend's deepest issues that they tend not to share.

See, I am strong, stronger than some. There will always be days when I feel more and/or less strong in each of these categories. Stronger than most? Sometimes. Stronger than none? Rarely. Stronger than some. Yeah. Usually. What about you? How are you stronger than some?

Is this the real world?

"I really do believe that all of you are at the beginning of a wonderful journey. As you start traveling down that road of life, remember this: There are never enough comfort stops. The places you're going are never on the map. And once you get that map out, you won't be able to refold it no matter how smart you are.

So forget the map, roll down the windows, and whenever you can, pull over and have a picnic with a pig. And if you can help it, never fly as cargo." ~ Kermit the Frog

Life at home is going well. I just got my first big girl bed, graduating from a twin to a queen, and have finally started moving into the bedroom that's been labeled mine for the past 3 years (I never really moved into this bedroom when my mom bought this house 3 years ago). I've got a sweet setup with babysitting for several families on a regular schedule all summer long, with housesitting and date nights thrown in as a bonus. I've got an interview with USF scheduled, and my mom and I are getting along swimmingly. Kevin's great as usual. Life is good.

Honestly

the honest survey

1. honestly, what color is your underwear?
purple stripes

2. honestly, what's on your mind right now?
my poor kitty who just got flea goo on his shoulders and his first flea collar, he's not happy

3. honestly, what are you doing right now?
duh, filling out this survey

4. honestly, what did you do today?
Woke up late, talked on the phone, took a shower, went to lunch with my boyfriend, ran some errands, nothing special

5. honestly, do you think you are attractive?
not particularly, though I'm told I am...I try to believe it, but I usually fail

6. honestly, have you done something bad today?
my kitty thinks so

7. honestly, do you watch the disney channel?
I don't really do TV

8. honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?
not that I'm aware of...life throws us all different circumstances and situations...we all make the best of it with what we're given

9. honestly, what makes you happy most of the time?
hugs, and Kevin...combined or separately

10. honestly, do you bite your nails?
not really. I try to use my teeth as nail files when one tears, though.

11. honestly, what is your mood right now?
sleepy, and lazy

12. honestly, have you had an eating disorder?
nope, I'm chunky

13. honestly, do you want to see someone this very minute?
yup.

14. honestly, do you have a deep dark secret?
I'm not good at keeping my own secrets. Perhaps it's because I'd rather get everything out than keep it all in.

15. honestly, do you hate someone right now?
hate is a strong word. I try not to go that route, but sometimes fail. I don't think anyone tops that list at the moment, though.

16. honestly, who/what do you want to hug right now?
Kevin, or anyone else willing...I'm a hug slut ;)

17. honestly, are you loyal?
annoyingly so

18. honestly, are you in denial?
why would I admitt it if I was, isn't that kinda of oxymoronic?

19. honestly, would you rather be having sex right now?
nah, I'm waiting, and Kevin's totally cool with that.

20. honestly, do you like someone?
have you been reading?

21. honestly, does someone like you right now?
I try to convince myself that he loves me. I have a hard time believing it because of my own insecurities, which frustrates him.

22. honestly, do you smoke weed?
nope, never have, and I don't forsee myself ever doing it

23. honestly, do you do drugs?
nope, never have, and I don't forsee myself ever doing it

It's over...

So, I graduated. Here's proof!

I still don't know where I'm going to grad school. I haven't heard from USF, though I should soon. I'm getting rather apathetic about making a decision. I'm so over it all.

I'm home. I'd planned on getting a job as soon as I got here. The first place I applied was so overly excited at the prospect of me working there (a server at a nice restaurant), then told me that I was one of 6 or 7 applicants applying for 1 position. I'd be moving on to the second round of interviews, but that didn't give me much encouragement. I've already basically accepted a summer babysitting gig, thing. The only problem is that it doesn't start for over a month. They need me to help a couple hours a day, a couple days a week for the next two weeks. I'm a sucker and agreed. But that really makes gaining employment more difficult. I don't really know what to do. I really need a good amount of money to flow in to make up for shitty employment (read shitty paychecks) this past year and not working last summer. Plus, I need to save up for grad school, particularly if I'm going to Colorado.

I always have a hard time when I come home. I expect that everyone will drop everything and spend time with me. I mean, I'm finally home and I've waited so long to see everyone and spend time with everyone. They say they've all missed me. I understand these expectations are unrealistic. Life goes on here, just as it had before I left, while I was gone, and now that I'm back. I suppose if I had something to occupy myself, I'd be better. Kevin's occupied with school and work. He's upset about one of his classes this semester and he's very tired, as always. Last night he was really cranky, and I got my feelings hurt. I tried to tell myself that I'd done the same thing, if not worse to him so many times over the past 6 months. It helped a little, but... I wanted to meet him for lunch today. He's got a test tonight, so he needs to spend his lunch hour studying. No lunch out. I called my best friend. She's just gotten back in town from a few days of vacation. Maybe she'd want to have lunch. Nope, she's going out with her fiancee for lunch (the same guy she's spent the last several days hiding with). My psycho friend is doing better, but I'm still her only friend, so she feels I should spend all of my time with her. She exhausts me. I love her to death, but I cannot allow much time with her. I'm afraid it will pull me down as it did last summer. Another one of my friend's is reverting to previous behavior that drove us apart for a stint. Welcome home, Tina. I feel like it would be better if I'd never come home. Perhaps I should go to Colorado for school. I wouldn't be missed. At least that's how it feels right now.

Somehow, I already miss being at school. I miss being occupied: schoolwork, work, friends always ready to hang out, talk, grab dinner.

Oh, I figured I'd be all excited to be done. Instead I'm mopey. I guess I'll get back to reading for pleasure. I do enjoy it, I just wish I had something more than that to do. I guess I'm never happy. Uff! Happy Hump Day!

Tag!

Okay, so I forgot that Beaver tagged me. Though the mental image of a beaver reaching up and swatting at a cricket and running away in a game of tag is rather amusing.

If you have been tagged, you are to come up with 7 qualities of your perfect lover. Do specify the gender. Then list down, and tag, seven other bloggers on their pages. If you've been tagged, you need not do this again.

Gender: Male (duh!).

So here we go: (in poetic form, if you please...)

1) While playing dumb may be cute,
being dumb cannot follow suit.

2) Even if driving makes to prone to road rage,
during a fight, you must act your age!

3) I tend to fall apart when I stress,
so you must be strong enough to hold together the mess.

4)While I used to say romance was merely a plus,
I've now been spoiled and it is a must!

5)It's only half for you to offer me your love,
you must realize our relationship is a gift from Above.

6) Though Aretha may need you figure out R-E-S-P-E-C-T,
I demand that you KNOW what it means to me.

7) You must figure out how to make me melt with just your eyes,
and not assume you've got a free ticket to get between my thighs! ;)

I'm so glad my sweet, sweet Kevin has all of these down pat. He's really a terrific guy. I'm going to skip the tagging of others, since I don't think I've got readers regular enough to play along (through my lack of regular posting). But if you'd like to play along, let me know!