Just Breathe

Moving...

2010-06-09T11:04:00.000-04:00

Hi my lovely followers!!

Just FYI...I'm "hiding" this blog. I might keep it for personal stuff, we'll see...

But follow me over to makingofamodernmommy.blogspot.com!! And tell your friends!

Mommy and Me...Fever addition :(

2010-06-04T15:06:00.000-04:00

So I started feeling cruddy the other night. My throat got all dry and icky and I tried to chalk it up to scooping the litter boxes and the dust I inhaled in the process. But it didn't go away....

That night Kevin and Logan both tossed and turned. They were both asleep the whole time, but both being loud and clearly uncomfortable. Thus, I was up! My throat got worse and worse and I tried to chalk it up to not being able to sleep. But it didn't go away....

Yesterday I felt miserable when I got up. I tried to play it off as feeling off from not getting any sleep, but my throat hurt too bad and I was too miserable. I was sick! :( I was hoping Logan would get all my antibodies through my milk and he'd be just fine...praying and hoping and crossing my fingers. But the fact that he had, uncharacteristically, tossed and turned the night before stuck in my mind. By early evening I had a fever and his temperature was rising. I called the ped and he told me to give him Tylenol if it got over 100 and to call him back if it reached 102. Sure enough, next diaper change his temp was over 100. Poor little guy! A round of Tylenol (generic, I promise it's safe) brought his temperature back down. I gave him another dose at bedtime just to make sure he got a good night's sleep.

Today we've been hanging out on the couch, just resting. He had me up at 5am and I couldn't get back to sleep, partially because I had to take my best friend back to the airport this morning (so going to miss her). His temperature has stayed down, but my great-aunt told me to watch it as the afternoon/evening progresses. Apparently the late afternoon/evening is when temperatures start going up. So far today my little guy has just nursed and slept. I'm glad he's nursing, at least. Don't need him getting dehydrated. I'm drinking as much juice as I can (water makes me gag when I'm sick) so I stay hydrated for him. When he's awake, he's happy and his normal smiling self...just looks worn out and goes back to sleep quickly.

I'm hoping tomorrow brings a happier, healthier day for both of us!

One year ago today

2010-06-02T22:08:00.000-04:00

One year ago today my nephew was born. I was in the middle of fertility treatment that hadn't been working. I was so frustrated and defeated. Actually, I had given up on my fertility specialist (reproductive endocrinologist--RE) and had an appointment scheduled with a new RE on the high recommendation of a friend who was fighting a similar battle.

This day last year I was cursing my body for bleeding and begging a nurse to find me a tampon because we were at the hospital much longer than anticipated. Then I called my mom to pick up my Femara from the pharmacy before they closed. She knew it was a drug from the RE but didn't know what it did or why (Femara is a cancer drug for post menopausal women that is used to help women ovulate). Don't think I ever paid her back for that.....Don't think she cares much.... :) It would still be another month until I ovulated and a couple of weeks after that before I thought to test (thought I hadn't ovulated and was using progesterone cream to hold off my period until I saw the new RE).

Kind of crazy!

10 weeks

2010-05-31T19:20:00.002-04:00

So for 10 weeks, we've had this little magical life in our home. Kind of crazy to think about it, actually. In most respects, it feels like he's always been here. Each day is a new adventure. Today, I'm going to take a minute to brag about my incredible son...

He rolled over (belly to back) one day shy of 6 weeks
He's been smiling for real since about 7 weeks.
At about 7 weeks he really started tracking objects with his eyes/head.
He met Mickey Mouse at 9 weeks.
9.5 weeks he turned his head to look at sounds (namely when someone walked into the room and called out to him)
One day shy of 10 weeks he started to try to reach out for things.
At 10 weeks he started trying to grab things.
10 weeks and 1 day he was trying to pull things into his mouth.
Now he's starting to "ask" for play time (though I can't recognize this request as distinctly as hunger and tired)
I don't know when he started trying to stand, though he can stand fairly well with support for balance.
He's sleeping through the night almost every night...his longest bout was 12 hours.

Yeah, he's pretty much the most amazing kid ever :)

gDiapers

2010-05-23T15:56:00.002-04:00

So gDiapers have had a false start in our house. Our first take was a day we went to the mall. The pitiful family bathroom was disgusting at best. Even though I had something to lay under Logan, the changing area was so gross, I would have thrown away anything that touched it. Instead, I laid Logan flat in his stroller and changed him there. He'd been in his car seat a good bit (from 12:00 until probably 1-1:30) at one point getting very upset, thus sweating. When I took him out to change him, I couldn't tell if his lower regions felt damp because of a diaper leak or sweating. It felt too minimal to be a diaper leak, but it was only his diaper area...

Fail #1 came in trying to change the wet liner of the gDiaper in the cramped and awkward changing situation. I gave up and ripped the whole thing off of him and put a BG on him. I'm glad I did for the rest of our mall adventure. It turns out there are more than 1 nasty changing stations in the mall. Seriously...GROSS!

So we get home and I try again with the gDiapers. Things seemed to be going well. Fail #2: Kevin got home and couldn't figure out how to change him. I was in the middle of getting dinner on the table, so I told him to forget about it and just put a BG on him. He was relieved at the reprieve. I noted that I needed to perfect the changing and teach him before I threw that curve ball at him again.

I was determined to make this work. I tried again with gDiapers when I mistimed the amount of clean BG diapers I had left with the length of laundering. Well...Fail #3 happened. I ran to grab something (though now I can't remember what...gotta love baby brain). I left Logan on our oversized chair in the living room (I promise he was more than safe and sound). I came back to him screaming, covered in his own urine...which was also covering the chair. Uff! I don't know exactly how long that diaper had been on him, but he'd been sleeping the whole time and he doesn't tend to soil/wet himself while sleeping (trust me he makes up for it when awake...the ped said some kids are like that).

So I don't know what to do. We have the medium size pants which are supposed to fit babies 13-28lbs. Logan was 12.5 lbs by our scale a week ago but only 11.75lbs by the ped's scale 1/2 week ago. I'm not sure if this is the problem...he's just not big enough yet?

As for the trouble changing him...I'm wondering if it would be easier to change the insert each time or prep the extra liner and change out the liner AND insert each time.

I know a couple of you out there are using gDiapers...any thoughts, experiences, woes, victories?

Cloth Diapers FTW!

2010-05-22T16:05:00.000-04:00

Ever since Logan was born, his little butt would get red. Mostly betwixt his cheeks. Our pediatrician said it was normal for breastfed babies because their poo is so wet and much more frequent than formula fed babies. Between the added wetness and added wiping, he said to expect it. We kept a healthy supply of Butt Paste and Desitin on it to keep the redness down. When I switched to cloth diapers I was a bit concerned that we couldn't use diaper creams on Logan (ruins the diaper's ability to absorb). I kept meaning to research natural brands that could be used with cloth diapers. But the thought kept slipping further and further from my mind.

We've been using disposables at night partially because we have them and partially because I didn't want to fumble with unfamiliar diapers in the middle of the night. Today he was in disposables a little longer than normal because I screwed up the timing of how many diapers I had left vs the time it takes to wash them (once I start working some I really want to increase my stash). I went to change his disposable diaper and his poor little butt was all red, just like it used to be. I realized part of the reason I'd failed to look for diaper cream I could use was because he hadn't needed any. I felt so bad for his little red tushy.

Our cloth diapers were finally clean and dry so I put him in his dDiapers to take another spin. When I changed him, his butt was already less red. He leaked something terrible with the gDiaper (need to investigate why a little more) so I put our trusty BG back on him. By the next diaper change his butt was barely pink.

I knew cloth were supposed to be healthier and cause less diaper rash, but I didn't really realize how much of a difference they were making. I think it's time to move to cloth diapers full time!

Cloth Diapers

2010-05-20T21:29:00.001-04:00

When I was pregnant, Kevin and I considered using cloth diapers. The environmental benefits seemed too great to ignore. But mothers of my mom's generation warned us away and told us to do a service if we did go that route. All their stories about what a pain it was and stinky and annoying and.... scared us away. Diaper services were just as expensive as we figured disposables would be. Just seemed like a lot of hassle. So we gave up on the idea.

When Logan was about 6 weeks old, I noticed a lot of moms I knew were turning to cloth diapers. I started looking into them again. This time a whole new world was opened up to me. We were no longer talking about pre-folds and rubber pants...we were talking about pocket diapers, all-in-one diapers, hybrid diapers, liners, soakers, inserts, and who knows what else. I found this site describing the savings of using the various forms of cloth diapers. In the midst of all of this, Kevin and I were trying to figure out how we were going to afford the expense of diapers each week as our finances got tighter and tighter with me not working. It seemed like a no-brainer to switch to cloth diapers. But which kind....

It seemed the most popular brand was Bumgenius amongst those I knew using cloth. So we started there. From all the research I could find, it seemed pocket diapers would be our best bet trying to compromise expense with cost. We wanted one-size diapers so we didn't have to buy new ones as he grew. Kevin wanted the least involved diapers to make changes easier on him. Everything I read said the only All-in-one diapers that were worth buying were Bumgenius AIO Organic Onesize. But, these are the most expensive option. We didn't want to spend a ton, but convenience was high on Kevin's requirement list. I took a peak at ebay to see if there were any deals there. Jackpot! I'd planned on buying 12 pocket diapers for $210. Ordering through ebay I was able to get 12 of the BG AIO OS diapers for just $240. We were pleased with the deal.

Despite assurances from friends that 12 would last me 2 days, we were only making it about 24 hours with 12 diapers, and that didn't include the disposables we were using at night (because we had them left and I wanted to get used to cloth before having to change them bleary eyed). We really couldn't afford to invest in more at the moment...insert Babies R us gift cards. The only brand of diaper they carry are gDiapers. With gDiapers, you have reusable pants with a plastic liner and cloth or disposable inserts. You don't have to change the whole diaper every time, just the insert. Sounded promising so we invested the last of our gift cards in getting 2 diapers and 6 cloth inserts. The disposable inserts (which have lots of neat green features) seemed like a good option for days when we're out all day (like a Disney trip).

So far our only complaint about the BG diapers is that they're bulky. The bulk doesn't help our issues with having a very lanky baby who outgrows the length of his clothes without ever touching the width. Our adventures with dDiapers haven't been as successful. While less bulky, they are slightly more difficult to change. Not impossible, but probably not a diaper we'll be using out until we get the hang of it better. The extra laundry isn't so bad with our high efficiency machines and his waste being less than solid (he's breast fed).

It's a fun adventure. It makes me happy knowing we're saving TONS of money over the course of his diaper lifetime (to the tune of $2,250ish), we're significantly reducing his garbage footprint, he's healthier without all the chemicals and with having breathable materials against his skin (very low probability of diaper rashes), and that he'll potty train faster. :)

Another Chapter

2010-05-17T17:45:00.000-04:00

So here I am in the middle of the latest chapter of my life. I started this blog so long ago, it seems. I was in undergrad trying to figure out which way was up. Years later, I sit on my couch with my son asleep on my chest. With a BA and MA under my belt, a husband by my side, our first house around me, and my first career on hold, I find myself drawn back into blogging. So much has happened and changed in such a short amount of time. I feel like I'm always starting a new chapter, a new adventure, the latest addition to the plot of my life.

Logan Charles was born March 19, 2010 via c-section. I was absolutely terrified of the surgery, but was assured it was the only way to have a safe delivery. I think I'll always mourn not delivering vaginally. Maybe next time... Since that day, my life has been changed forever, as you might expect. I've gone from being a Family Therapist to a Stay at Home Mom, from being on the go to not leaving the house most days, from paperwork to poopy diapers...and I wouldn't trade a single moment.

Several people thought I was ridiculous for hanging up my hat for the time being, "All that work to get your degree and you're not going to use it." I have several answers to that...1.) At the time I got my degree, that's what I "needed" to be doing with my life, 2.) degrees don't expire, 3.) I use plenty I learned in getting my degrees every day, 4.) no degree would ever trump being a mom.

So instead of seeing clients, I'm conquering breast feeding, mastering cloth diapering, gaining my strength back (after not being able to lift or do strenuous activity for almost a year), getting rid of the baby weight, and figuring out life all over again.

Each day, a new page. Each adventure, the start of a new chapter. Each chapter, another part of me.

The start/end of an era...

2009-01-05T19:26:00.002-05:00

So for the past 22-23 years I've been in school.... Working towards some end (though that "end" changed a few times along the way). Today started my last semester in school (at least for a LONG TIME). But I didn't go to class. You see, I'm in my last stretch. Only a 600 hour internship left. I'll only attend class 5 more times, possibly ever.

Today also marked the last time I'll watch "my kids" because they had a day off from school. When Shannon's dad (some of you might remember the curly blonde about Haley's age and the guy video taping at the wedding) came to get her, she and I had a really hard time saying goodbye. Sure I'll still see her/them. Still watch them for date nights or just to hang out...but it's different now. It won't be every day. I won't be helping with homework, correcting their grammar/manners, or be an active part of their little lives. I won't get my hugs and smiles and love. It broke my heart to let go of her and even more when I saw her tear up. I came inside and started to cry (oh, who am I kidding, I was sobbing before I made it to the door).

As I was sitting here crying, feeling oh-so-sorry for myself, my "work" phone rang (the cell I was given at my internship). It was clearly someone else's cell from work, but someone I hadn't programmed into my phone. That would be because I currently intern for the mid-county team (read slave for free). The person calling me was the North county team's supervisor...and my new supervisor. She was calling me to tell me I was now going to be WORKING for her team. Yes, that's right, working. Paid with benefits.

So here I sit, a basket full of emotions. I'm so sad to be walking away from my kids, but so excited to be walking into my new career. I've spent YEARS leading up to this point. Now that I'm here, I'm wondering...."now what?" I've never taken a break, never stepped back. I've always had a carrot in front of my facing egging me forward. School is done, life begins.

And then all of the sudden, I became an adult...

So it's been awhile

2009-01-04T16:18:00.002-05:00

I've blogged on and off for a couple of years now. I began to notice that when I was blogging I was depressed. It became my outlet. As I became less depressed, it became more of a chore to keep writing.

Life's coming at me fast now. Kevin and I got married August 2, 2008. We have bought our first home and will close Jan 20. He meets with the surgical consult on Jan 13 for pretty rough (though not risky) surgery that will probably be scheduled as immediately as possible. Tomorrow I will call to schedule an appoint with an infertility specialist (I have PCOS). I have essentially finished my masters and should be given an official job offer from the place I've been interning (they're only considering me and we're waiting on red tape). Like I said...life is coming fast. Maybe when I settle into my job I might pick up blogging again.

Thanks to all who have missed me ;) Feels good to feel loved! Hope all is well out in blogger's sphere!

Now I remember....

2008-03-04T12:51:00.002-05:00

So the reason I stopped posting was because life got busy. Hence why I haven't been posting lately. Between school and work and life...yeah

So our landlord suddenly decided he had a problem with our dog. Went off on Kevin and made a huge stink. After some legal advising (c/o someone I work for who's a lawyer), icky land lord has no ground to stand on. Regardless, we don't want to live here anymore. So...

Taking advantage of the absolutely stagnant housing market, Kevin and I are trying to buy a house. House shopping, signing papers for the mortgage broker, trying to make our crazy schedules match with a realtor....

We found a couple of houses in really nice neighborhoods that are priced lower than the average home in those neighborhoods. One is really low but we'd do a lot of changes, some immediate, some over time. The others are at the top of our price range, so it would be harder to make any changes if they're needed. We haven't seen anything from the inside yet, but we peaked in a lot of windows (of vacant houses only, of course). We've got high standards, but we've got time and a crappy market on our side. Some houses are sitting for years. We know of several people who pulled their houses off the market after a year or two. One house in their dad's neighborhood has been on the market for 5 years or so. People are finally starting to lower the prices and things are affordable again.

But, that's all for now. At least all I can share. I'm mixed up in this preposterous drama at school which is annoying, but nothing of consequence, at least for me.

Back to homework and getting this place presentable.

Castro Steps Down

2008-02-21T14:15:00.000-05:00

While I think I only have one loyal reader (due to my extended sabbatical), if anyone stops by, I'd love to hear your opinions!

So "Fidel Castro" sends out this letter saying he won't accept another nomination for "president" of Cuba. Interesting. I'm not convinced it was he who sent the letter, nor am I convinced he's even alive.

It's been suggested that his much less charismatic, though far more brutal brother, Raul, will be nominated. While Raul has been standing in for Fidel while he deals with his "failing health" (and/or death), I don't think he'll be able to hold the country together once he's officially in charge. I've read some pondering about some other politician in Cuba being nominated--getting some young blood in there--mind you the young blood I've seen mentioned is 56. I guess if you consider he was only a school boy when Fidel seized the country in late 1959 he would be considered "young."

March should be interesting, just as we line up our candidates for our own presidency, Cuba will "nominate" a new ruler. Now if only we can keep our own driving needs to maintain "manifest destiny" out of Cuba's realm, they might have some sort of a shot at becoming free. And I say becoming free by however they choose to define it. Just because our "freedom" works for the United States, I fully disagree with attempting to impose our beliefs on another country. Just take a look at the middle east or read Bitter Fruit if you need any examples of how it doesn't work. Baby Bush is already jumping on the "let's save Cuba" bandwagon. Leave well enough alone. They'll figure it out and ask for help when/if they need it. It may get ugly, but could you honeslty expect anything else. Fidel was in power longer than any other ruler worldwide (save monarchs). For nearly 50 years it was just whatever he said. If he's not calling the shots, is their old system going to be able to work? Will a new system emerge? Or will we see a series of overthrows, constant toggling for power?

Maybe things won't change. I think they will, at least to some extent. I'd love to see their economy open up. I'd love to be able to travel there. I'd love to see their schools be open to US students. You may or may not know that Cuba has one of the BEST education systems world wide. It's that their economy is so bad that MDs can make more money driving cabs. I'd love to see the United States and Cuba to get over themselves and allow free travel--let families visit each other, let tourists invest in their economy.

Now that I'm in a totally different academic setting, I've got no one to debate, ponder, and/or bounce ideas off of in this respect. Agree, disagree, whatever, I'd love to see some amount of discussion/debate on the topic.

Poop on a stick

2008-02-21T14:00:00.000-05:00

I feel miserable. I should have gone to the gym this morning, but the same reason I should have really gone is the same reason I stayed home....

I guess once your body gets used to eat at least somewhat healthy, it really revolts against the not so healthy stuff. I've been trying hard to pay attention to what I eat lately. Last night we didn't manage to get around to eating until nearly 9:00pm. Considering we usually go to bed around 10-11, that's LATE. Being that it was getting so late and we had little to nothing to eat at home, we decided to go out. Just as we were getting in the car, the phone rings. Kevin's mom wants to meet us. Sure, great. Well, we wind up at Bennigans. I'm not a fan to begin with, but whatever. We get there and nothing looks good to me except a burger. I do not eat burgers. I've just never liked them. So it's a bit odd that I would want a burger, but hey, I have been known to eat one every few years. MISTAKE!!!! I got this grease laden pile of fat with a side of french fries. I almost never eat french fries anymore either--not because I don't LOVE them, but because they're way more fattening than I'd like to ingest. Yeah, ate every single one on my plate.

I went to bed feeling less than attractive. Slept for shit. Woke up feeling like I was oozing grease from every pore of my body. My stomach is still all angry and threatening to mutinty at any minute. And I'm afraid to wear anything that puts any amount of pressure on my stomach.

Time to get ready for work and school.

Spectacular!

I guess

2008-02-12T11:40:00.000-05:00

I guess I'll try to keep up for now. We'll see where life leads me.

One of the hardest things about becoming a counselor is knowing how to be a counselor and not being able to turn it off in my personal life. I know why your kids are acting like that, and I know how to make it better for you and them. I know why you can't find a boyfriend that will treat you right and I know how to fix it. I love you all and want to tell you, but I'm not your counselor--I'm your friend, your lover, your sister, your daughter, your aunt, your nanny. I have no kids of my own; yet I find myself handing out parenting advice. It's not that I pretend to know what it's like or that I could do any better. I've just spent the last 1/3 of my life working with kids and the last couple of years learning about the mind. I just wish I could figure out how to get that across without being a childless know it all.

We're supposed to be working on this huge paper for one of my classes. It's about our theory of counseling, how we believe people are in general, how they are when they're born, how they become good or bad, how they operate, how they get in trouble, and based on all of that, how we're going to help them see all of that so they can get out of whatever trouble that brought them to us. Everything I know about everything has been constantly challenged in my life. When I think I believe one thing, something contradictory slaps me in the face--and it's usually myself. Then to lose a friend so unexpectedly...makes you question EVERYTHING and leaves you with not a single answer. The harder I try to wrap my mind around things, the harder it seems to be to come to grips with it.

I feel very empty and lost and scared and vulnerable. I snapped at Kevin last night. My intense anger didn't match the minor annoyance of what I was upset about. It wasn't fair and I felt terrible. I told him that.

On a side note, I'm pretty sure God designed the small child to need a nap, not for the child's benefit, but the caregiver's.

It's been awhile....

2008-02-08T16:37:00.000-05:00

So it's been awhile. Not really sure why I started blogging, not sure why I stopped, not sure why I'm starting again. Life has thrown me more curves than I know what to do with. I should probably follow my own advice and talk to someone about it. But....I'll just pour my heart out online for the world to see and yet no one to read.

For those who just might pick up where I left off, my life has changed dramatically, but for the good. I'm engaged to a wonderful man who truly is Prince Charming--see previous posts (like 2 years old) about him. The wedding is set for August 2, 2008. Most of the arrangements are made. I just bought my dress last weekend. It's beautiful, but I won't actually get to see it until May. I was so excited and so ready to show off my pictures.....

I've been steadily working towards my Masters in Mental Health Counseling and Masters Certificate in Marriage and Family Therapy. I joined a cohort program. Basically that means that all of the courses we take are together. And these courses are hard core and emotionally intense. I know more about the people in my cohort than I do about some of my friends (and vice versa).

That brings us to now and my current whirlwind of emotions. One of the people in our cohort passed away, very suddenly and very unexpectedly. I've cried and cried until I can't cry anymore. We've had a counselor come and process with us as a group. I've heard every "I'm so sorry." I'm sick of it all. And she would be, too. I'm sad and lost and scared and angry and numb.....numb....numb and sad. Melancholy, really. Nothing makes sense, yet it's all vividly clear.

She was put here for a reason, to touch lives, to change people, to affect things we'll never understand. She did what she was put here to accomplish and God called her home where she could be free from her aliments, a reward for her hard work on earth...

I wrote that quote awhile back. I've found it useful for so many "expected" deaths for myself and friends mourning various losses. It somehow remains poignant today.

That's I'll I've got for now. Maybe I'll be back around... maybe I'll study for my intense exam on Monday. We'll see where the wind blows.

Stronger than some. . .

2006-05-25T13:40:00.000-04:00

I got an e-mail today from someone who's never e-mailed me before. I looked at the e-mail address to see if I recognized who it was. I didn't, but the subject line told me enough to know it was a legit e-mail. The e-mail was complementary enough, but the message I got was more from the address than the body itself. The address was "strongerthansome." Some of you out there might recognize this address from Tom. While he seems to be referring to physical strength, it made me think about my various strengths. I'm stronger than some; sometimes I feel stronger than most; sometimes I feel stronger than very few. But I am strong.

I am strong willed. You can read this as motivated or bull headed. Both apply. I'm not about to let anything get in the way of my dreams, but I'm also pretty set on doing things my way with my own opinions.

I am strong physically. I hate when Kevin says, "let me get that so you don't hurt yourself." Yes, I know he's referring to my perpetual neck and back issues that give me tremendous headaches, but I tend to want to interpret it as, "you're a chick. Stand back and let a man take care of it."

I am strong emotionally. I am there for others even when I don't always want to be. I put my own need to be weak behind other's needs for me to be strong, most notably my mother. I guess this is probably not a terrible trait since I want to be a clinical pyschologist.

I am strong scholastically. I don't let myself think, let alone say, this one often. I'm so afraid of offending and/or sounding big headed. But, damn it, I graduated from 1 of 4 true honors colleges in the country with a 3.5 GPA.

I am strong spiritually. This one waxes and wanes a bit. But, it doesn't ever disappear. I fully believe that Christ died to save me and that He (the whole trinity) are always with me. Though I do things I know that aren't the best, I'm finally learning what unconditional love means.

I am a strong lover. No, that's not what I mean; though I'll neither accept or deny that compliment. I throw all of myself into a relationship. Perhaps this is bad, but I don't go at things half-heartedly. I take dinner to my boyfriend when he's stuck at school, I meet him for lunch, I plan things that he'd love to do, I'm strong when he needs to be weak, I'm weak when he needs to be strong. I put all of my heart into it, and this time, I've found someone who has, too.

I am a strong friend. I won't let my friends disillusion themselves. I'll be a bitch if that's what they need me to be. I'm not going to sit back and let them pretend that everything's fine if it isn't. I won't give up either. I've often said (half jokingly) "all of my friends have issues!" If you think about it, we all have issues. I take it as a sign of confidence and trust that I know many of my friend's deepest issues that they tend not to share.

See, I am strong, stronger than some. There will always be days when I feel more and/or less strong in each of these categories. Stronger than most? Sometimes. Stronger than none? Rarely. Stronger than some. Yeah. Usually. What about you? How are you stronger than some?

Is this the real world?

2006-05-19T13:24:00.000-04:00

"I really do believe that all of you are at the beginning of a wonderful journey. As you start traveling down that road of life, remember this: There are never enough comfort stops. The places you're going are never on the map. And once you get that map out, you won't be able to refold it no matter how smart you are.

So forget the map, roll down the windows, and whenever you can, pull over and have a picnic with a pig. And if you can help it, never fly as cargo." ~ Kermit the Frog

Life at home is going well. I just got my first big girl bed, graduating from a twin to a queen, and have finally started moving into the bedroom that's been labeled mine for the past 3 years (I never really moved into this bedroom when my mom bought this house 3 years ago). I've got a sweet setup with babysitting for several families on a regular schedule all summer long, with housesitting and date nights thrown in as a bonus. I've got an interview with USF scheduled, and my mom and I are getting along swimmingly. Kevin's great as usual. Life is good.

Honestly

2006-05-11T15:17:00.000-04:00

the honest survey

1. honestly, what color is your underwear?
purple stripes

2. honestly, what's on your mind right now?
my poor kitty who just got flea goo on his shoulders and his first flea collar, he's not happy

3. honestly, what are you doing right now?
duh, filling out this survey

4. honestly, what did you do today?
Woke up late, talked on the phone, took a shower, went to lunch with my boyfriend, ran some errands, nothing special

5. honestly, do you think you are attractive?
not particularly, though I'm told I am...I try to believe it, but I usually fail

6. honestly, have you done something bad today?
my kitty thinks so

7. honestly, do you watch the disney channel?
I don't really do TV

8. honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?
not that I'm aware of...life throws us all different circumstances and situations...we all make the best of it with what we're given

9. honestly, what makes you happy most of the time?
hugs, and Kevin...combined or separately

10. honestly, do you bite your nails?
not really. I try to use my teeth as nail files when one tears, though.

11. honestly, what is your mood right now?
sleepy, and lazy

12. honestly, have you had an eating disorder?
nope, I'm chunky

13. honestly, do you want to see someone this very minute?
yup.

14. honestly, do you have a deep dark secret?
I'm not good at keeping my own secrets. Perhaps it's because I'd rather get everything out than keep it all in.

15. honestly, do you hate someone right now?
hate is a strong word. I try not to go that route, but sometimes fail. I don't think anyone tops that list at the moment, though.

16. honestly, who/what do you want to hug right now?
Kevin, or anyone else willing...I'm a hug slut ;)

17. honestly, are you loyal?
annoyingly so

18. honestly, are you in denial?
why would I admitt it if I was, isn't that kinda of oxymoronic?

19. honestly, would you rather be having sex right now?
nah, I'm waiting, and Kevin's totally cool with that.

20. honestly, do you like someone?
have you been reading?

21. honestly, does someone like you right now?
I try to convince myself that he loves me. I have a hard time believing it because of my own insecurities, which frustrates him.

22. honestly, do you smoke weed?
nope, never have, and I don't forsee myself ever doing it

23. honestly, do you do drugs?
nope, never have, and I don't forsee myself ever doing it

It's over...

2006-05-10T12:01:00.000-04:00

So, I graduated. Here's proof!

I still don't know where I'm going to grad school. I haven't heard from USF, though I should soon. I'm getting rather apathetic about making a decision. I'm so over it all.

I'm home. I'd planned on getting a job as soon as I got here. The first place I applied was so overly excited at the prospect of me working there (a server at a nice restaurant), then told me that I was one of 6 or 7 applicants applying for 1 position. I'd be moving on to the second round of interviews, but that didn't give me much encouragement. I've already basically accepted a summer babysitting gig, thing. The only problem is that it doesn't start for over a month. They need me to help a couple hours a day, a couple days a week for the next two weeks. I'm a sucker and agreed. But that really makes gaining employment more difficult. I don't really know what to do. I really need a good amount of money to flow in to make up for shitty employment (read shitty paychecks) this past year and not working last summer. Plus, I need to save up for grad school, particularly if I'm going to Colorado.

I always have a hard time when I come home. I expect that everyone will drop everything and spend time with me. I mean, I'm finally home and I've waited so long to see everyone and spend time with everyone. They say they've all missed me. I understand these expectations are unrealistic. Life goes on here, just as it had before I left, while I was gone, and now that I'm back. I suppose if I had something to occupy myself, I'd be better. Kevin's occupied with school and work. He's upset about one of his classes this semester and he's very tired, as always. Last night he was really cranky, and I got my feelings hurt. I tried to tell myself that I'd done the same thing, if not worse to him so many times over the past 6 months. It helped a little, but... I wanted to meet him for lunch today. He's got a test tonight, so he needs to spend his lunch hour studying. No lunch out. I called my best friend. She's just gotten back in town from a few days of vacation. Maybe she'd want to have lunch. Nope, she's going out with her fiancee for lunch (the same guy she's spent the last several days hiding with). My psycho friend is doing better, but I'm still her only friend, so she feels I should spend all of my time with her. She exhausts me. I love her to death, but I cannot allow much time with her. I'm afraid it will pull me down as it did last summer. Another one of my friend's is reverting to previous behavior that drove us apart for a stint. Welcome home, Tina. I feel like it would be better if I'd never come home. Perhaps I should go to Colorado for school. I wouldn't be missed. At least that's how it feels right now.

Somehow, I already miss being at school. I miss being occupied: schoolwork, work, friends always ready to hang out, talk, grab dinner.

Oh, I figured I'd be all excited to be done. Instead I'm mopey. I guess I'll get back to reading for pleasure. I do enjoy it, I just wish I had something more than that to do. I guess I'm never happy. Uff! Happy Hump Day!

Tag!

2006-05-10T10:00:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I forgot that Beaver tagged me. Though the mental image of a beaver reaching up and swatting at a cricket and running away in a game of tag is rather amusing.

If you have been tagged, you are to come up with 7 qualities of your perfect lover. Do specify the gender. Then list down, and tag, seven other bloggers on their pages. If you've been tagged, you need not do this again.

Gender: Male (duh!).

So here we go: (in poetic form, if you please...)

1) While playing dumb may be cute,
being dumb cannot follow suit.

2) Even if driving makes to prone to road rage,
during a fight, you must act your age!

3) I tend to fall apart when I stress,
so you must be strong enough to hold together the mess.

4)While I used to say romance was merely a plus,
I've now been spoiled and it is a must!

5)It's only half for you to offer me your love,
you must realize our relationship is a gift from Above.

6) Though Aretha may need you figure out R-E-S-P-E-C-T,
I demand that you KNOW what it means to me.

7) You must figure out how to make me melt with just your eyes,
and not assume you've got a free ticket to get between my thighs! ;)

I'm so glad my sweet, sweet Kevin has all of these down pat. He's really a terrific guy. I'm going to skip the tagging of others, since I don't think I've got readers regular enough to play along (through my lack of regular posting). But if you'd like to play along, let me know!

So surreal

2006-05-02T01:10:00.000-04:00

It's all done. Thesis is in, exams taken, papers written. At some point, it will hit me that I am done with my undergraduate work. I have done what it takes to earn an honors BA. I'm finally going to get some sleep and read the book Kevin gave me for Christmas. Thanks for all the love and support!!

As a side note, I was batpized at my church on Sunday. It was pretty exciting. Though I didn't expect anything to be different, I awoke this morning with a new sense of love and belonging, a calming presence. Pretty neat.

Sweet dreams, world!

Thesis Update

2006-04-29T10:55:00.000-04:00

On Friday I sent an e-mail to my adviser and my second reader to see if there was any news about my thesis. They've had it for almost a week and I was getting antsy.

My e-mail Friday afternoon:
"At the risk of being pushy, is there any news?

I'm sorry; I'm just so stressed and sitting on pins and needles waiting to hear what you have to say.

Let me know if you have any questions. Hope to hear from you soon. If not, have a terrific weekend."

Adviser's response Friday evening:
"No news yet."

Second reader's response today:
"I am ready to sign. Can we set up a time on Monday? I am meeting with someone at 9:30 and again at 10:30, and I'll probably be in my office until 11:30 (and again in the afternoon), so let me know what time you want to come by and I'll sign."

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! No word from my adviser, though. So nothing is definite. However, some light is starting to shine through the end of the tunnel!!

Venting

2006-04-27T19:07:00.000-04:00

I'm really stressed out right now and no one seems to care. Kevin's over me being stressed and just doesn't want to deal with it. My mom's just not paying attention to me because she's away. Every freaking time she goes away, she calls me to say hi and hear how things are going, but she doesn't listen to me and interrupts me and gets mad at me because I get frustrated with her flightiness.

I turned my thesis in. I still haven't heard back from my professor if I'm going to actually graduate or just go through the motions and actually graduate in August. I'm really stressed about it because I honestly don't know what's going to happen. It really could go either way.

I have two papers that are due Monday and I can't get myself to write them. I'm so over everything that I just don't want to do them. I feel like they're busy work and I'm so over it. I'm ready to get out of here. Senioritis is setting in.

Then I'm really nervous about moving back home after living on my own for the past 4 years, esp with the way my mom's been acting lately. I almost want to go to Colorado just to get away from it all.

My mom and I were talking about my graduation party a while back and I asked her if she'd take care of things. She knew the date I wanted the party and knew I wanted it at Lake Seminole, at one of two specific shelters. She wanted to have it at the house. I really don't want it at the house because I want everyone to come and feel comfortable. I know several people I'm inviting won't feel comfortable at my house. Besides, I want it to be kid friendly and there's nothing about my house that is kid friendly. I told her all of this. So she starts planning the party for the weekend before I said I wanted it. So I told her I didn't want it that weekend and she stopped planning it all together. She was supposed to reserve a shelter and she never did. Now, I'm trying to plan the freaking thing and I can't find anywhere to have it. It's either scrap the whole thing or have it at my house. Neither option is acceptable, but the first is better than the second. The only thing anyone remembers from my high school party was that it was SOOO lame. Everyone under 30 passed out on the couch on top of each other while the adults, most of the guests, sat at the table and talked about bullshit. I wanted this party to be chill, with people who are important to me in attendance. But no, that's not good enough. I'm so upset. I tried calling Lake Seminole, but they're booked until June sometime. Veteran's Park is booked as well. I don't know where else to call. I bought the invitations today 'cause they need to get out, but I don't know what to write on them. And my mom doesn't give a shit. Her response was something along the lines of "oopsie." UGH!! Kevin just keeps saying, "don't worry about it." I'm SOOOO sick of hearing that. If it was a simple as not worrying about it, I wouldn't. Telling me not to isn't going to do anything but aggravate me more. He keeps saying he hopes I'm done with my thesis, but he's saying it so he doesn't have to hear about it anymore--he admitted to thinking that.

I just feel like no one cares. I'm so stressed and upset and no one gives two shits. I'm ready just to give up and pretend I'm not graduating. I just want to run away from the world.

Anyway, I really need to write this stupid paper so I can write my other stupid paper. Sorry to unload. I just don't know what else to do right now.

AHHHHH

2006-04-25T13:39:00.000-04:00

So my thesis may be done. I hope it's done. I think it's done. However, it is up to two fine women to determine the completeness of said work. I sincerely hope they agree with my assessment. If they don't, graduation is going to feel phony. Probably because it will be. You see, if I don't get a "you're finished, good job" back from my two amazing professors, I have to take an incomplete on my thesis credits and thereby delaying ACTUAL graduation until August. I will, however, still appear to be graduating. It's just all the technicalities that would be an issue.

Now, senioritis has REALLY kicked in. I have two papers and a final I must study for. All three of those are due Monday. However, I need to get one of those papers written ASAP since it was technically due yesterday and my prof was nice enough to recognize the conudrum I was in and allow an extension. And yet, I find myself posting instead of actually writing...hmmm...

Life is trying to return to normal in Ohio. My family (and I) have gone through such a wide range of emotions. None of us really know what to expect next. I'll try calling, soon, to see if there are any updates. Probably not, but it's nice to check in since I'm so far away.

Summer plans and grad school plans are still in limbo. Well, I'm pretty sure I'll be home for the summer, working anywhere that I can find that will offer me a position and good money. Part of my hesitation in figuring out a summer job is that I might wind up going to grad school at home, therefore, instead of looking for a summer gig, I'd be looking for something more long term. The implications of length change the venue of search. We'll see though. As for grad school, as previously mentioned, I have been accepted to Colorado Christian University. I've also applied to USF. The process seems to be going well at USF and I should be hearing something (either no or interview date) rather shortly. They always seem excited to talk to me and have been EXTREMELY helpful with the application process. Kevin's pushing for USF, but I'm trying to not let that influence my decision. Basically, CCU costs $20,000 more in tuition alone than USF. Add to that, for CCU I'd have to get an apt and pay living expenses and for USF I'd live at home. For two years, I think I could handle living at home again, though I am nervous about it. Honestly, with more schooling in store after this next step, saving a minimum of $20,000 + living expenses sounds more logical. Bonus, I'd get to work on my relationship with a wonderful man. Although, I did receive information about an opportunity to teach English in Spain for a year. While that wouldn't further my career goals, it would totally rock! So, who knows.

Now that the cloud of thesis is off my head (hopefully, permanently), I'm getting excited about the future. Add to it, I'm getting positive feedback from schools. After hitting rock bottom, it's so nice to ride the waves of improvement. Hope all is well for all of you as well! Much love!

I'm sorry!

2006-04-20T22:57:00.000-04:00

I just wanted to say hello and I'm sorry. I know I've been kind of a hermit lately. For those of you I normally keep in contact with and haven't exactly been doing that, I'm particularly apologetic. Life has been particularly stressful lately. (Bev--I'm really sorry I couldn't meet up with you...we had a reseach presentation day and my mom was in town and blah blah blah...I was really looking forward to meeting you :( )

I'm just about done with my thesis, but if I don't get the last touches on it in the next couple of days...and have those touches approved by my adviser, I may not get my diploma until August=sucky. I'm trying though, and I should be done by the end of the weekend. I have 2 papers and an exam next Monday (May 1). Then, I'm done with undergrad. It's a scarey and exciting thing. I'm pretty nervous about leaving my "home" for the past 4 years.

I'm nervous about either moving to Colorado or moving home while I work on my masters. Either option has it's benefits and drawbacks. For those of you in CO, I've been accepted at CCU, so I'll probably be getting an apt in Denver. If I go home, it'll be cheaper, but I'm a bit sketch about moving back into my mom's place after being on my own for 4 years.

Then I found out today that my youngest cousin was molested or something like that. Her mom and the boys mother (A FREAKING SCHOOL TEACHER) told her not to tell anyone. UGH! Thank God her father found out and is taking care of things.

There's more, but that's a glimpse of how I'm feeling. So, if you've perceived I'm mad at you, it's probably more that I'm too stressed to know what to do with myself. A little bit of love and prayers wouldn't hurt though. Hope all is well with you all!!

*********I found out last night, the court system in Hamilton County, Ohio is nucking futs!! My uncle was denied emergency custody, the court would not listen to him or my cousin, nor would they appt a guardian ad litum. Instead, they forced my uncle to take my cousin back to her crazy mother where she (and all the rest of us) knew she was going to get beaten. Glad to know there's justice in this world. Now we're worried that the psycho is going to take off with my sweet, little cousin. We're praying that her engine blows up and she can't take off across the country.

Update!

2006-04-11T18:24:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I've been rather non-existent. Life comes at you fast when you're trying to get stuff in order for graduation and the rest of your life.

My thesis is going well and I'm right on schedule to skate on out of here on May 5. Classes are going decent, they could be going better, if I could muster up enough strength to ward off my senioritis.

Grad school stuff is back in the waiting phase. The programs I originally applied to were more competitive than Med schools, and I wasn't completely qualified based on my undergraduate course work. So, now I switched gears to get into lower programs that will open different doors later. Essentially, instead of trying to make a huge leap, I'm taking smaller steps. It seems to be going well, but I'm waiting on feedback from a few schools. Things seem to be looking up. If all else fails, I'll stay home for a year and get a second BA in psychology. I'll eventually have a doctorate in psychology, just what type and how I get there may change.

Kevin is terrific, as always. He's finally coming to see me! My mother is coming on Thursday for the research presentation day here at the school and staying through Easter. Kevin's coming on Saturday, in time for Easter, and staying most of the coming week. He's on Spring Break and wanted to finally follow through on his promise to come visit me at school.

Before I know it, I'll be listening to Pomp and Circumstance (or whatever name variation you call it), sporting the whole cap and gown get up, and watching my mom cry and snap 3+ rolls of film.

Hope all is well with the rest of the world!!

Much love!

Pretty Flowers

2006-04-04T21:05:00.000-04:00

So after 5 months of dating bliss, Kevin and I had our first official fight. The details aren't important, but suffice to say we were both pissed. The fight was sparked Sunday evening and we spent Monday mad at each other. Monday night, yesterday, we had it out. We were both standing our ground. We both felt we'd given our all and felt the other person wasn't giving enough. We went around in circles for a while and finally gave up. We both resolved to continue trying and to try to understand that the other is trying just as hard.

Today I was going about my business when my housing director sends me a message--there are flowers waiting for me in the office. Hmmmm...not my birthday, not an anniversary, nothing special was going on.... My too cute, wonder boyfriend sent me the most beautiful flowers, just to say, "I love you!" He's such a cutie!!

Full length

Front View Back View

Top View

Isn't he just too cute?!
(This pic was a self portrait taken a while back...he was talking to me on the phone and I was having a rough night...he was cheesing it up to make me smile)

Anyway, my crappy week got worse before it got better, but I'm smiling for now!! Thanks for all the words of encouragement!

Hello

2006-03-30T20:42:00.000-05:00

I'm here. Surviving. I know I haven't been faithful to this blog, but then I haven't been faithful to much of anything lately (save friends and Kevin). Life is rough but I'm almost done with my thesis. I may have figured out my grad school options. Maybe not.

I'm pretty disillusioned with the world right now. There's not much that isn't stressing me to the limit. I miss his loving arms that seem to take my cares away. I keep telling myself if I make it through the next week it'll all be better, but it seems to get worse. I hate complaining. I'm sorry that's all I've got for the few that still check in from time to time. Perhaps the next couple of weeks will bring better news that I can post. Perhaps something to be proud of will blow my way. Or at least something to be happy about.

Much love to all who stumble across my pathetic entry. I'll be better, just need a little bit of time and whole lot less stress.

Unmotivated

2006-02-27T19:27:00.000-05:00

my ex is: a horrible, pathetic baby and better off as my ex.

i lost my: honra to him.

maybe i should: work on my thesis.

i love: arms that encircle me and keep me safe.

i don't understand: why I care so damn much.

my boyfriend/girlfriend: will always be second to my girlfriends.

people say i: stress too much.

love is: a beautiful thing, if/when you find it.

somewhere: out there, beneath the pale moon sky.

i will always: strive.

forever: is a scary word.

i never want to: dissappoint anyone else.

when i wake up in the morning i: thank God for a new day but wish it was still night.

my past: is a scary place, but it made me who I am today.

i get annoyed when: people abandon me.

i wish: I could relax for just a few minutes.

nice: isn't an adjective for life right now, give me a week.

tomorrow: is already spent.

i really want to: finish my thesis and get into a good grad school.

i miss: Kevin's arms and an innocence in life I never knew.

How would you describe me?

2006-02-18T18:52:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine started this and it looked like a fun thing to do. Please be honest and let me know what you think.

What do you think of me?

Love you, all!

Please Pray

2006-02-16T12:47:00.000-05:00

I'm reaching out, once again, to my network of friends and family for a little help with prayer. As some of you know, I'm finishing up my final year of undergraduate work. My thesis is going well, but it needs a lot more work. I've been trying my hardest to put things in His hands and it worked for the first two sections. Now I'm working on the last section and my own need for control is creeping back in. I'm trying hard to relinquish control and trust in Him.

To add to my test of faith, I've applied to 4 grad schools to start a Psy D in child clinical in the fall. I haven't heard back from any of them. No yeas, no nays, and no "please come for an interview." I was doing okay with the waiting until I heard from a classmate that she had also applied to three programs, one of them being the same as one program that I'd applied to. She's heard back for interviews from two of them, one being the same program I applied to. I know in my heart that God will take me where I need to go and everything will be revealed in His time. However, convincing my head of that is taking considerable more effort. I'm trying to be patient, knowing God is watching my reactions and working on me through this time of waiting. I just pray that my anxieties calm and I am able to be the faithful servant I'm called to be while waiting to see where He wants me to be in the next years. As I'm sure you all know me, this is no easy task.

If you could spare a minute or two, I'd really appreciate a prayer. I'm not asking for God to show me right away or to help me finish my thesis today. I'm asking for patience and understanding, for peace while waiting. I'm asking for guidance, strength, and focus to write my thesis. (as part of my spiritual walk, I'm also working on learning to ask for the right things)

Thank you all!! Have a terrific weekend!

Please rent your moving vehicles somewhere else!

2006-02-06T11:52:00.000-05:00

So a friend of mine and her family are moving out of the apartment they previously inhabited with the father of the family. The family situation is, well, HORRIBLE, so the mom and kids are moving into their own apartment. The mom calls me up and asks to borrow my pickup to help with the move. I've got nothing going that weekend; sure, why not?

First of all, I thought I was only lending the truck for the day on Saturday. By late evening, I'm trying to figure out where my truck is and how I'm going to get dinner. I call my friend and she gets upset and says she'll figure it out (she's been at work all day). I tell her not to worry, it's not really a big deal. She offers to pick me up and take me to dinner. Okay, food will ward off the crankiness and I'll be happy. Come to find out, they want to keep my truck overnight and continue moving in the morning. Well, okay, as long as you come get me for church.

So, Sunday goes without a hitch. My friend comes to get me for church and we went out to lunch afterward. Then it's back here to call my family and work on homework. About the time I was getting fried and ready to start thinking about dinner my phone rings. It's my friend. Her mom has gone to work and left my truck. She can either come get me to get my truck, or she can bring it to me late that night. I opted for getting it. At this point my friend Rachel is also getting antsy so she decided to come with me in my quest for my truck and then dinner.

So, we pick up my truck. As we're driving away, I noticed something shoved in the door panel. There's this sock with some clanking metal inside. Uh, okay. I guess we should turn around and take it back. Then we looked inside. There were a few metal vials inside and a lighter. Hmmm....we've never seen anything like this before, but it doesn't look very good. Instead of taking it back to my friend who's already dealing with a lot and has a test tomorrow (today), we decided to take it to the mom at her work. The mom is rather calm about the whole thing and says she found it in her son's backpack. She put the stuff in the sock. We're a little confused, but drive away. Rachel calls a friend of hers who’s been in and out of rehab a few too many times and explains what we found. Um, yeah, basically we either had crack or crystal meth in our possession. Oh and from the time we found the sock to the time we passed it along, we passed SIX cops. Oh no, not just paranoid, we really passed SIX. So I freaked out and couldn't really drive. We stopped in a gas station parking lot so I could calm down a bit. As we're sitting there a cop pulls in, stares at us as he drives by...really not kidding. Then he leaves and stares at us as he drives by. There was some real intent in those eyes and Rachel and I were waiting for him to stop and say something to us. He would have had a blubbering IDIOT on his hands if he'd tried.

So we finally force the conversation to change and I finally calmed down enough to drive us back. Once we were here we weren't going anywhere. We ordered a pizza and ploped down in front of the game. Now, Rachel is British. This whole football thing baffles her, especially since the foot and the ball don't really make contact all that often. She's never actually watched a game, but this is the superbowl and there are good commericials, and she does need to be there for her friend who's still shaking like a leaf....so she watched it. It was so funny to hear her questions and even funnier trying to explain the answers. Now, I've never claimed to be any kind of an expert on the sport, but I thought I knew it pretty well. Um, guess not. She asked questions I couldn't answer and I realized I knew less about the game that I thought. Oh well.

We laughed and binged on pizza and had a good time. We were pretty much fried by that point anyway. I took two Tylenol 3s (with codeine) and went to bed.

So....how was your weekend?

By popular demand...well, Jodes' demand

2006-01-31T20:29:00.000-05:00

Sorry I haven't been around much. Life has picked up the pace quite a bit. A week ago today my thesis advisor basically told me I was going to finish my thesis and I wasn't going to graduate. After a couple of days of pity parties, my thesis advisor gave me rather encouraging compliments and informed me that her previous "lecture" was only meant to be an encourager to work harder and faster, not a complete discourager, which I took it as. She's always had to use a bit of tough love on me and she didn't realize she'd pushed too far until I shut down. Those two days could have quite possibly been the worse two days of my life since I moved out of my dad's house. I didn't eat, didn't sleep (much), didn't do any work. I just sat in a dark room and zoned. I had no idea what to do next. But, it's all good because I'm going to finish my thesis and Cinco de Mayo is going to be a kicking celebration (graduation date). She said I have a really unique thesis, very interdisciplinary, very well researched. She said she's really proud of me and wants me to continue so she can sign off on an excellent thesis. Besides, she loves my mom and wants to be able to see her at all the final festivities.

After all of that, I decided to take off for the weekend. I needed a jumpstart to get back into things. So, late Friday evening, I decided I was going home. I spent Friday night in Kevin's arms and it felt so good. Perhaps it's too much to share here, but it's really nice to be able to sleep with someone and just cuddle. He totally respects the no sex boundary I set. He understands and is satisfied with hugs, kisses, and cuddles. Saturday I was supposed to spend the day reading, but I spent it hanging out with my mom instead. It was nice to pass the day doing a little of this and that and not much of anything in particular. That evening Kevin and I were supposed to go see a friend of mine who was in town for his grandfather's funeral (from Maryland). Everything went to crap and that didn't happen. So, we hung out and went for icecream with his brother and my best friend (his brother's fiancee). Afterward my stomach hurt so bad!!! I don't know if it was the icecream, the fact that the icecream was my dinner, or the fact that my eating has been less than regular this past week. I wound up falling sleep during SNL. I didn't realize I was so tired and I jumped about three feet in the air when Kevin leaned over and took my glasses off my face. He tried to get me to tell him whether or not my mom was expecting me home. I fell asleep about 3 more times before we finally established she was and I text messaged her to let her know I wasn't.

Sunday my mom and a friend of the family and I went to Sea World. My ex gave us passes that expired today, so my mom wanted one last hurrah. The woman we took with us has been part of our "family" since I was about 9 months old. She hadn't been to Sea World in almost 20 years. We had a blast laughing and talking all day long. She jumped and screamed when the stingrays took the food from her hands and bounced up and down when she touched the dolphins we fed. It was neat to experience it through her "new" eyes. As the day drew to a close, we hopped into our separate cars, my mom and friend heading for home, me heading back to school. The drive was long and hard, but the day was fun.

Yesterday was spent doing odds and ends and a bit of homework. I'm SOO exhausted from my weekend excursion. Today I've spent the day working on my thesis--corrections, modifications, and addition of new material--and actually have gotten a few more pages added. Oh! I filed my taxes and I'm actually getting a meager return. I was worried that after working as a server for a few months that I'd be paying instead. It was a pleasant surprise before a lovely dinner out with a friend and the ever expensive trips to Target.

Again, sorry for the delay in posting. There might not be a whole lot going on around here for the next couple of months. Once my thesis is done, however, there will be an electronic archive, so I'll be sure to link that so you can see what I've been working on all these months. Sweet dreams and good day to all!

To be or not to be....proud??

2006-01-21T20:53:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I claim that I'm an only child because I was practically raised as one. However, biologically, I am not an only child. Sometimes I like to claim to have a sibling, even though we were raised almost separately. It's days like this that I can't decide whether to claim him or not.

Take a look and you tell me if I should be proud or not.

My brother, the doof!

Adventures in Babysitting

2006-01-18T10:03:00.000-05:00

I haven't added much to this topic in awhile. My charge finally got used to my style and we came to an agreement. Well, then we had a month away from each other and lately we've had some reuniting pains. It's getting better though. This morning we had an interesting discourse that I'm sure you mom's will be able to appreciate.

Rebecca came storming out of the bathroom after she brushed her teeth "I am so mad at my mom"

"Why are you mad at her?"

"Because look (pointing to the space between her teeth, that has always been there), last night she brushed my teeth so hard she separated my teeth! Now there's a big space that wasn't there before! They were all bloody and now look! You can see what she did!"

I really couldn't help but laugh as I tried to convince her that her mother hadn't moved her teeth. She insisted that her mother had brushed SO HARD that her teeth had at least bled. I couldn't tell her it was because she never really brushed well and her gums were probably as soft as tissue paper. It was SOOO funny, but she did get a bit upset at my laughter. I really couldn't hold it back though.

Happy Hump Day!!!

So this is what it feels like

2006-01-11T11:49:00.000-05:00

I know I haven't really be posting much lately, but I appreciate those who do still check in on me. My life has taken some pretty amazing turns lately. Well, maybe not turns, but progressions.

Kevin is truly wonderful and I thank God for his presence in my life. He keeps me grounded when I start to freak out, motivated when I want to quit, and comforted at all times. His love has brought about a new look on life. I have to admit, I find myself pondering what the future might be like with him. It's kind of scary, but in a good way.

I'm back at school, now. My thesis is actually going pretty smoothly at the moment. Slow, but steady is my mantra. It doesn't have to all get done today, but something has to get done today. I'm finally at the point where this whole thing seems conquerable and I'm stoaked.

Kevin starts school on Jan 23rd. I'm so proud of him for going back. It's going to be a hard road for us since he'll be working full time and going to classes full time in the evenings. But, if it's meant to be, we'll make it through somehow. He'll be happier once he's done and he'll have a degree. I'm so proud and happy for him.

Today I turned in my application for graduation. With it I had to fill out a piece of paper that shows I've fulfilled all general requirements, all concentration requirements, and all minor requirements. It was odd to hand my entire college career over on one piece of paper. Looking back, thinking of the various roommates, classes, professors, boyfriends, and other various moments in my life over the past four years made me realize how far I've come. It's a rather interesting feeling to know that I've done it and I'm going to be a college graduate come May. I'll have a higher level of education than my mom, my dad, and my older brother (they all have 2 year degrees). Weird.

So, today is a good day, as many days have been lately. Life is good. Even though I have no idea where I'll be a year from now, I know God will take care of me and everything will work out fine. Here's to life and all the glories of it!!

A Stinging Start

2006-01-03T12:22:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year to one and all!! I hope the old year treated you well and the one that lay before us is full of hope and blessings.

Yesterday, my mom and Kevin had the day off. So we packed up the car and headed to Fort DeSoto Park. It's home to the Spanish fort after which it is named. It's now a large park/nature reserve/beach/camping/picnic area. We used to go there when I was younger all the time. It really is a beautiful and fun place to visit.

The day started out swimmingly enough. We tried to start the fire in the grill and realized we'd left the lighter fluid at home and the charcoal I'd bought was not quick lighting. So we began collecting dried palm frans and sticks and Spanish moss and anything else we though would burn long enough to ignite the charcoal. Once we had the fire going, we had plenty of time to explore while the charcoal warmed.

Kevin and I saw some rocks jutting out into the water which I found necessary to assess their accessibility. After switching to sneakers (out of flip flops), I turned up the shirt part of my skorts and started off. Was this my tragic downfall of the day? We may never know. But, off I went. Climbing over the sea wall to the rocks below, through the mangroves which carefully guarded the middle section of rocks, out to the larger rocks sitting alone in the blue water. Ha ha!! I made it, and without a single body part wet, cut, or scratched. There was a young boy out there (whom I hadn't seen upon first glance), so I left him to his fishing and returned to shore to retrieve my boyfriend before heading back to the picnic site where my mom was tending to lunch.

Once back, Kevin and I decided to climb the trees. Well, I decided to climb the trees and coerced him into joining me. Perhaps this was my tragic downfall... Like the monkey my mom deemed me as a child, I joyfully scaled the trees in the picnic site, careful not to get myself to a point of no return. Kevin wasn't nearly as adventuresome. We'll have to work on that.

Lunch was pleasant, grilled chicken marinated in my great-grandmother's blonde barbeque sauce, potato salad, and chips...with room for desert. No picnic would be complete without roasted marshmallows and S'Mores!!!

Then we packed up and started to head out, not before checking out the bicycle rentals and ferry costs, for another day. As we were getting back into the car, I felt something biting me on my neck. I reached up to flick it off and felt something furry that wasn't being dislodged easily. As it continued to bite, I started to panic. I jumped out of the car trying desperately to get this creature off of me. Kevin ordered me to stop moving and finally flicked it off of me. I was already in immense pain and my neck was red, starting to swell where I had been affected. My mom's tone of voice was disturbing as she insisted we collect the furry little creature "in case we need it later."

The pain increased as I tried to convince myself that it was off of me and there wasn't another one on me. We drove toward the exit, stopping at the Ranger Station. They had seen and heard tales of the specimen my mother showed them. They pulled out there book of wildlife to be found at the park and encountered the Puss Caterpillar, the most deadly caterpillar in the world. Okay, maybe I'm being a bit over dramatic, but rest assured, they are the most poisonous in the United States. Most of the stuff I've found online refers to a single sting on the hand (usually obtained from touching this creature). However, I have repeated stings across the back of my neck. I have to say, this is one of the most painful things I've ever been through. Probably second only to the time I sliced the bottom of my foot open, needing 6 stitches (please note, while female, the author has yet to join the reproductive ranks, thereby unable to compare to the expected trauma of childbirth).

I spent the rest of the day laying down, doped up on bendryl, with cream smeared all over me. I felt MISERABLE. When the little creature stowed away on my neck, I may never know. However, I know that I WILL be more careful in the future.

Here's to hoping the rest of the year runs a bit more smoothly!!

Holiday Transition!

2005-12-28T16:11:00.000-05:00

So Christmas is over...sigh.... I had a wonderful holiday.

Things started a little early, sort of. One night, a few days before Christmas, Kevin and I were cuddling. Kind of suddenly he got this look in his eye. There was something on his mind, something he wanted to say. "Whatcha thinking?" Silence. Hmmmm, usually I get "nothing" or what he's actually thinking. "Something's going on upstairs." Silence. Quietly, "tell me." He starred at me for a few moments and I could tell he was trying to figure out whether to tell me what he was thinking or blatantly lie and have me know that he was lying. At first I thought nothing of the situation, but as he vacillated, I began to worry. We are extremely open with each other. What could he possibly have to say that he would be uncertain of?? But then, he dropped the "L bomb." I was NOT expecting that to come out of his mouth, but I do have to say I was pleasantly surprised. I kissed him for a long time trying to figure out if I was going to laugh or cry and what I should say in response. There was only one logical response: "I love you, too." It was probably one of the sweetest, most tender moments I've ever experienced. After all the bullshit I've gone through with the males in my past, I can honestly say that I do, indeed, love Kevin. (dude, I'm giddy just typing about it)

Saturday, my mom, Kevin, and I packed up and headed to the other side of the state (3.5 hours) to go to Christmas Eve service at my church (near school). They had a SPECTACULAR service full of Christmas music, lights, and candles. We all had a really terrific time. Then it was back in the car to head back to St. Pete in time for Midnight Mass with his mom. By this point we were getting rather tired as the day was getting longer. While his mom is catholic, I think it'd be a stretch to consider him so. Still, we were both prepared to do the sit, kneel, stand thing that is expected in Midnight Mass. Well, about half way through, his niece (4 years old) was getting restless and her mom (with one child already asleep on her lap) was getting annoyed. So, I took Alana and she quickly fell asleep on my lap. This meant that of the four adults there, only two weren't pinned to the pews. Kevin tried his best to go through the motions, but the poor guy was falling asleep. He kept dropping his head and I'd poke him in the side: "I'm praying." "They don't pray to the sleep gods in this church."

Then it was to our separate houses to wait for Santa and rest up for the next day's activities. He spent the day with his family and I spent the day with my mom. We woke up late and opened the few presents under the tree with deliberate sloth. Then she made some breakfast, that even she admitted was nasty, and we watched a few episodes of my newly aquired Lois & Clark DVD set (first season). Then we decided that regardless of us being in FL we were going to have a white christmas. So, off to the beach we went. We finished up the evening with dinner and more Lois & Clark. Later, my mom agreed I could call Kevin and he could come over for a bit. We'd originally agreed that there would be no Kevin on Christmas so that we could spend some quality time together.

Time for more presents!!! I can honestly say I was not expecting the kind of thoughtfulness and care that went into my gifts from him. First I opened lotion and body spray in my FAVORITE scent of all time. We'd gone shopping with his brother and stopped in Bath and Body Works to pick up something for his fiancee. Of course I wandered over to the testers of my favorite scent and being that we're attached at the hip, Kevin was at my heels. Next was a book. Wicked, as in the Broadway musical. On his birthday (Sat after Thanks) we'd been wandering the mall when I saw Wicked advertised as playing in the area. However, the dates wouldn't work at all. Since he couldn't buy me tickets, he figured he'd get me the book instead. Then there was this picture display thing. It had a picture of us, a goofy picture of him he'd sent to me one night when I was stressed and upset, and a picture of me holding my god-daughter at dinner a week or so ago. By this point I was dumbfounded and grinning like a maniac. Last, there was a beautiful silver watch with small, tasteful diamonds on the quarter hour. It's quite lovely and much nicer than anything I would have picked out myself. As I am rather short on cash this holiday season, my presents for him were far less showy. I bought him a steamer basket to make fresh, steamed vegetables. It was more or less a joke because he refused to eat green beans until I steamed them and put a bit of butter and salt on them, then made him try them. Now he likes green beans. Then I gave him a shadow box full of sand from the beach we went to on our second date and the beach we went to for his birthday (I went to each beach and collected sand and shells). I had mixed the sand with glue, drew a heart, wrote "T + K" in the heart, and put shells around the edges. Lastly, he opened a large picture frame I had filled with picture of me, him, us, the fire we'd made the first time we met, and the sunset from his birthday. Apparently, one of the pictures of me is his favorite picture of me--lucked out with that one.

Since my mom and Kevin both had the day off Monday and all three of us have been wanting to go to Disney, we all hopped into the car and headed to Orlando for the day. It was so much fun!! We took lots of pictures. Here are the ones Disney took. The whole way there and throughout the day I kept tapping Kevin, "Guess what!" "What?" "We're going/at Disney!" About half way through the day I was looking the other way on the bus transport between parks when I felt a tap on my hand, "Guess what!" "What?" "I love you." AWWWWW it was the sweetest thing!! We both started giggling and my mom asked what we were laughing about. Two guilty "nothings" were her only response. She just rolled her eyes and let it go.

I've had a terrific few days. I'm floating on cloud 9 as we head toward the beginning of a new year. I could pretend to make new year resolutions, but does that really work for anyone?? I'll continue to try to loose weight, continue to try to not procrastinate, and continue to try to give up Cherry Pepsi. Will it work this year?? Who knows, but I'm not holding my breath until it does!!

I hope all of you had a TERRIFIC holiday season!!

Much love to one and all!!

Christmas

2005-12-19T15:56:00.000-05:00

In light of the season, here's my Christmas post.

First, I'd like to say this is the HOLIDAY season. The holidays I choose to celebrate this time of year are Christmas (both secularly and Christianly) and New Years. I'm VERY over this whole huge debate thing going on across the country. Yes, I believe Jesus is the reason for part of the season. But, it's a time of year about coming together and being happy and frisky in the cold air and laughing and celebrating a terrific year gone by and a new one just beginning. I really wish everyone would get their panties out of a wad and just enjoy themselves. As for me, I'll respond favorably to Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, or whatever other happy greeting you'd like to issue. No, I don't celebrate Hanukkah, but I'll smile if you wish me a happy one. If you wished me a happy Kwanzaa, I might look at you funny, but only because of my impossibly whiteness, not because of offense.

In high school I used to perform in Disney's Candlelight Processional at Epcot. I loved this tradition. Since I've graduated, I've gone back as many years as finances allow. Kevin talked about taking me this year, but I'm not sure that's going to work out. If you take a look at the picture in the link above, we're all convinced I'm in it. Just above center, you can't see my mouth. My mom pointed it out and Kevin (who didn't know me then, nor has ever seen this event) swears it's me. It's shot from the correct side of the stage to be me as well.

Around October, I start getting into the mood for Christmas music. Most think I'm crazy, but you see, I went to a performing arts high school. Every year, around October, we'd hit the Christmas music hard to get it learned so we could start perfecting and fine tuning it before performances started (usually as early as the weekend of Thanksgiving). The music of the season really makes it for me.

Then there's the Christmas tree. The tree in our house is always real. We string multi-colored lights on it, then bust out the ornaments. My mom and I keep our ornaments separate. Each year my mom and my grandmother give me an ornament. Sometimes they mean something in particular, but usually they're just special because of the tradition. When my mom got married at 17, neither she nor my father had anything to put on their tree the first few years and no money to buy anything. There are other ornaments from trips we've taken or major events throughout the years. Decorating the tree takes several hours of Christmas music, laughing, sharing memories, and a few glasses of eggnog. This year my mom wanted me to put all my ornaments on the tree. As a result, not all of hers would fit. We laughed, bitter-sweetly, as we commented that I would have enough ornaments for my own tree. As I was telling Snavy, there's on more tradition involving the tree. Each year, my mom and I get a Make-A-Wish ornament from Things Remembered. Next year, I want to start a smaller tree with just those ornaments. The last part of the tree is the angel. My mom buys me an angel every year. When I was younger, she bought me a tree topper angel. Every year there's a "fight" over whose angel gets to grace the top of our tree. We can never remember whose was up last year and whose should be up this year.

Last night we baked press cookies. Another tradition.

This year is so bittersweet. This may be my last Christmas at home, really at home. Sure I'll be home for Christmas in the years to come, but this is probably the last time I'll be living at home for the holidays. I really do think this is my favorite time of year.

Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, and joyful celebrations of all kinds to one and all!

Procrastination

2005-12-19T15:05:00.000-05:00

Alas, I cannot make myself do my school work. I will be kicking myself for this shortly, as my first assignment is due by Christmas Eve- a 10 page paper in Spanish on an epic poem that I'm really not excited about (probably because I need to read it again to actually get it). I've read the poem, once, and read some supplementary material. However, I'm completely unmotivated and there's not a single word typed, for the paper that is. I've been really trying to limit my activities so that I'm not procrastinating as horribly, hence the lack of posting. Yet, I find myself just starring into space instead.

I just want to enjoy my break like everyone else!!!

A wise person once said,

"Procrastination is like masterbation. It feels good at first but in the end you're just f'ing yourself."

Too bad I never listen! OY!

Application Essay

2005-12-09T14:00:00.000-05:00

I'm working on my grad school applications today. I've got them pretty much complete, just tweaking my essays according to professors' reccomendations. The first essay I wrote is my favorite. It seemed appropriate to post it here, in my mini-forum of me.

Describe someone you know, about whom you have strong ambivalent, conflicting, or negative feelings.

Growing up, I was Daddy’s little girl. My parents got divorced when I was two and my dad received full custody of my brother and me. I strived to do everything I could to make my daddy proud of me. I was a perfect angel at school and tried hard to behave at home. Somehow, I always fell a little short. I would do every problem on my homework and try to get along with my step-mother and step-sister. At the end of the day I was just a disappointment to my father. I always was striving for something more, some unrealistic goal to make him proud of me. My brother failed him when he was 16 and moved out of the house. It was all left to me to be Daddy’s prized child. I loved my daddy so much; I just had to be perfect for him.

I tried to be perfect for my father until I was 15. I had come to realize he was using me. I was only as good to him as my grades were, only as valuable as his bragging rights. I still loved him, but was starting to have trouble liking him. As the days passed, life became more confusing and difficult. I couldn’t stand living under his control and emotional abuse.

Finally, the day came when I had to decide whether I was going to break or overcome. I can’t even tell you what it was about now, but I upset my father. He raised his hand as if he was going to back hand me. I starred back at him, calmly denying his anger. He lowered his hand and I walked away.

That night he worked on household chores he’d been promising to do for me, for example setting up a window ledge for my kittens. He did several things that night. Each time he rhetorically asked, “What a good Daddy am I? What other Daddy would do such nice things for you? Aren’t you so lucky?” I remember recognizing those lines from so many times before, so many “make-ups” for an evening gone horribly wrong.

I visited my mother a month or so later for summer vacation. She knew I was struggling with the decision to move in with her or return to live with my father. When my brother moved out at 16 years old, my father disowned him and never spoke to him again. I could only expect the same response if I chose to leave. I was stuck. I could either have him in my life but have no life worth living, or have a fuller life but without him in it. I knew the decision I had to make, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. My mother took the decision out of my hands and applied for emergency custody of me. While she had made the legal moves to keep me with her, we all knew the decision was ultimately mine.

Six years have passed since that summer. Six years since he has spoken to me. I love him. I always will; he’s my father. But I hate the man he’s become; I hate the pain he continues to put me through. Over the years I’ve sent presents, cards, graduation announcements, letters about my life, and even made phone calls. Sometimes I simply get no response; sometimes I hear his voice telling me I have the wrong number; and sometimes he simply puts the packages, unwrapped, in a new container and mails them back to me. Each little insult hurts, stabs at me. Yet, I can’t help but love the man he could be.

His father didn’t give him a very good example to learn from. From as far back as the stories will take me, the fathering males in my family have always set a hard course for their children to follow. Love has always had a price; shunning has always been a real consequence. My grandfather is a tough man who worked hard to provide for his family. He showed his love by putting food on the table and a roof over their heads. He held his standards high for his children. It comes as no surprise that his youngest son would adopt these behaviors as well. My grandfather abandoned his eldest daughter after she defied him. My father sees my actions as defying him, as he told me himself the last time we spoke. It’s understandable that he would impose the same “punishment” on his me for my transgression as his father imposed on his daughter. He has learned from the example his father provided.

He did love me; maybe he still does. I understand he just doesn’t know how to love me and how to deal with the pain I have unwillingly imposed upon him. He gave me life and he loved me the best he could for the first 15 years of my life. For that I owe him my love and respect, even if I don’t like the person he is today.

'Cause I have nothing better to do

2005-12-06T14:52:00.000-05:00

*TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey*
Name:	Tina
Birthday:	March 13
Birthplace:	St. Petersburg, FL
Current Location:	Jupiter, FL
Eye Color:	Blue, green, whatever they want to be today
Hair Color:	Dirty blonde
Height:	5'6"
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Right
Your Heritage:	Pastey White Cracker
The Shoes You Wore Today:	Flip flops (in FL duh!)
Your Weakness:	I care too much
Your Fears:	failure & rejection
Your Perfect Pizza:	Papa John's peperoni with garlic sauce
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	Finish my grad apps and get a half way decent start on my thesis
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	lol
Thoughts First Waking Up:	I miss him
Your Best Physical Feature:	I'm told my ass, but I'm not very fond of myself
Your Bedtime:	early-ish, whenever I fall asleep on the phone
Your Most Missed Memory:	High School, performing
Pepsi or Coke:	Cherry Pepsi
MacDonalds or Burger King:	Taco Bell!!
Single or Group Dates:	depends on the mood
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	BARF
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Mint Chocolate Chip
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Frufru frozen drinks with practically no coffee in them
Do you Smoke:	HELL NO!!!
Do you Swear:	see above
Do you Sing:	not nearly as often as I'd like
Do you Shower Daily:	eh, sometimes
Have you Been in Love:	I'm not sure
Do you want to go to College:	finishing up undergrad and applying to grad schools
Do you want to get Married:	yes, eventually
Do you belive in yourself:	no
Do you get Motion Sickness:	YES
Do you think you are Attractive:	no
Are you a Health Freak:	no
Do you get along with your Parents:	my mom yes, my dad doesn't talk to me
Do you like Thunderstorms:	Love them!
Do you play an Instrument:	I can pretend to play the piano
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	I don't think so
In the past month have you Smoked:	NO!!
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	NO!!
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	Yes!! ::blushes::
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	unfortunately
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	no, but that doesn't sound like a bad idea
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	BARF
In the past month have you been on Stage:	:'( No
In the past month have you been Dumped:	Luckily, no
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	no
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	no
Ever been Drunk:	no
Ever been called a Tease:	uh, yeah, oops!
Ever been Beaten up:	no
Ever Shoplifted:	no
How do you want to Die:	happy and fulfilled
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	Child Clinical Psychologist
What country would you most like to Visit:	Dominican Republic, I miss Mami

CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES!!!!

2005-12-06T14:05:00.000-05:00

WHOOOOOO HOOOOOO!!!!

Exams are over!!!!

At about noon today I didn't think I had an ounce of energy left in my body. By about 12:15, with my last Spn lit exam ever (at the HC) turned in, I had more energy than I knew what to do with.

Granted, I have to stick around until tomorrow night and give a final presentation (which I have yet to create, oops) and I have two incomplete grades for the semester...but as for the present, I'm SO DONE!!!

I told Kevin nothing could effect me, nothing at all!! You could tell me my dog died and I wouldn't care. He reminded me that I don't have a dog. Then why should I care?

Ahhh, life is good. I think I might just take a nap. Novel idea, isn't it??

Happy HNT!!

2005-12-01T10:34:00.000-05:00

Since I actually have a pic of me, I figured I'd play along this week!!

The Soap Opera Continues

2005-11-29T14:20:00.000-05:00

Here's a list of characters in this little episode:
Jennifer- friend of mine, friend of my ex's, mother of my god-daughter
Joe- ex, and may he forever stay that way
Trevares- friend of mine, co-worker of Joe's, someone who (in his words) I "got my tease on" with, someone who I talk to only a few times a year

Sunday I talked to Jennifer on my way back to school. She was talking about throwing a New Year's Eve party. I half jokingly informed her that if she was inviting me she'd also be inviting Kevin. She laughed and agreed. She asked if I was planning on stopping by her place on my way out of town, as she was expecting Joe to come over that afternoon. I wasn't so it wasn't an issue.

Last night (Monday), I got a phone call from Mr. Trevares. Mind you, I haven't talked to him since August, despite my attempts to call him. We don't really talk much. If we run into each other or if he commits the drunken dial we do, but otherwise, not really. So, he calls. The only thing he really wants to talk about is my new beau. Doesn't really care about much else, other than reminding me that I teased him and he still wants to finish what I supposedly started over a year ago (almost two now). "But, no really, what about your new boyfriend?"

Interesting that I haven't heard from him in months and the day after I talk to Jennifer and she sees Joe, Trevares' co-worker, he calls me up asking for information about this new dude.

I IMed Jennifer this morning and the conversation went something like this:
me: What did you tell Joe about Kevin?
Jen: yea....New Year's Eve party, remember?
Jen: I like your elk, he's cute (referring to my REINDEER buddy icon)
me: but what did you tell him about me and Kevin? and it's a reindeer
Jen: oh, lol, yeah I like your reindeer, he's cute
Jen: something else random that I ignored
Then I looked down and realized I was almost late for class and jetted off without another word. I called her after class to apologize for running off without saying anything, but she didn't answer her phone, real cute.

I'm really pissed that she's running her mouth and even more so because she's being so sketch about it. I mean really, if you weren't talking smack about me (and/or Kevin), why won't you tell me what you said. Now neither me nor Kevin want to go to this stupid party. I can't imagine why not.

I'm really over all this high school bullshit. I mean seriously, I'm the youngest of this whole group by several years and this is what I've got to put up with?!?!? Some friends I've got, huh?

::sigh:: back to the chaos

2005-11-28T00:30:00.000-05:00

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving reprive, as I hope all did.

Kevin worked through lunch on Tues and Wed so that he would get off of work at the same time I got into town. It was SO nice to see him and get the hug I'd been waiting for. We hung out at my place while I took care of some chores (including FREE laundry facilities). Then my mom came home with groceries and we made dinner. It's so nice that he and my mom seem to be getting along so well. After dinner we scurried off to catch Harry Potter. I was impressed with this one. It was much easier to follow if you hadn't read the book (which I of course had, but it had been some time).

Thursday was turkey day. I wasn't paying attention when I was making the mashed potatoes and put entirely too much pepper in them. Oops! I had to make a bunch more potatoes and mix them with the grey, already cooked potatoes. They were still a bit strong, and plentiful to say the least. Oh well, I'll never make that mistake again. Dinner was crazy as ever and I realized I've grown further away from the "kids" my age. We have spent many Thanksgivings together and each year we're all a little bit more different. A few years ago, we graduated from the kids' table and I was excited to get to sit with "adults." This year, however, there was the little kids' table, the college kids' table, and the rest were in the formal dining room. I was a little offended by this and spent my dinner not talking as I had nothing to add to the immature antics being discussed. But, it was enjoyable still the same. I love that family and it wouldn't be Thanksgiving without them, but it was nice to have a QUIET escape awaiting me. I had my friend take me over to Kevin's house for the onslaught of introductions.

I was rather nervous as we approached, hoping that I would make a good impression. He answered the door and the first face I saw was his niece I'd met previously. Her face lit up and I realized I left the picture I'd promised her in my mom's car, which was at my friend's house. She didn't seem to mind; she was just glad I was there. The rest of his family said their hellos, but not much else. I chalked it up to the mellow that follows dinner and the kids getting more rambunctious as the event lengthened. Kevin was a little upset that his family hadn't been more welcoming. I just hope it was because they were tired and not because of me. I worked really hard at paying attention to who was talking to whom and using what names and who belonged to whom and so forth. I think I have it down, but with different clothes on, in a different situation, who knows.

Thursday night we were planning that Kevin and I would take a nap before trucking out to Best Buy to get in line for a computer. My mom doesn't have a computer at home and they were adveristing one for $150 instantly. However, after seeing OUR Best Buy grace the 11 O'clock news with a formidable line already in place, we dashed out to get in line. There were some kids a few years younger than me in line in front of us. They brought their 19" TV and portable DVD player and set up. We watched War of the Worlds and a couple episodes of the Simpsons, made a few runs to the 24 hour CVS in the same plaza, and did a lot of talking. The time passed rather quickly and around 4:30am they passed out the vouchers for the computers. We BARELY got one of the last ones. My mom was so excited. The computer is really nice and she's happy, so that's all that matters. Then Kevin and I ran to Wal-mart before going back to his place to take a much deserved nap.

Then it was off to see RENT with a friend from high school. I was thoroughly impressed with the film version. It's not easy to capture the essence of a Broadway musical on film, but I think they did a pretty good job. I'm pretty sure Jonathon Larson would be pleased. It's funny how my friend and I used to be BEST FRIENDS all through middle and high school. We've stayed in contact through college, but as we're both finishing....we've grown so different. Kinda sad. But, we had a good time.

Friday night Kevin came over for dinner again and we watched How the Grinch Stole Christmas (which I'd purchased for $5 at Best Buy that morning) and set up my mom's new computer. We had a nice, chill evening as we were all VERY tired.

Saturday was Kevin's birthday!! We went out to breakfast, then to a lake to feed the duckies.

Then we rented Ladder 49 as Kevin has been talking about persuing a career in firefighting. It was a really good movie, but REALLY sad. I would recommend it to anyone who doesn't know any firefighters or anyone who wants to be one. I would not recommend it to anyone who cares about someone in the business. After it was over we were cuddling and Kevin felt the need to inform me that he was not crying. Rather, his eyes were merely watery. I'm not ashamed, I was crying.

The movie ran a bit longer than I had anticipated and we scurried to change and head to the beach for the sunset. I took him to my favorite beach, Sunset Point. There's a picture of us together on my camera, but it's that old film thing, so I'll have to wait to post it.

What FL in Nov looks like

Then we went to dinner at Maggiano's, a nice Italian restruant. He loves Italian food and I was banking on him never having been to this place. As we got closer, he thought he'd figured out where we were going to eat because I've been saying that I want to take him to PF Changs
(where I used to work) and there's a Changs right next to Maggianos. He loved it!!

The whole day was terrific!! "The best birthday ever" to be exact.

Now it's a week of pure hell, a day or two of rest, two exams, a final presentation, then home. Forgive me if I'm not around much for a spell. Hope everyone's week goes well!!

Thanksgiving!!!

2005-11-23T06:30:00.000-05:00

Well, this intense week is finally over. I'm certain they're hell bent on killing us before the end of this semester.

I joined my church this past Saturday. I was pretty excited and proud. I've never actually been a member of a church before. My mom and my brother were very proud of me and Kevin was glad I was so happy.

The three days that followed that were a nightmare. Assignments due, no time, nothing going right, STRESS out the wazoo!!!

Last night I could feel the excitement of the mini break set in as I e-mailed my last assignment due before the break to my professor. I couldn't sleep. I think I fell asleep well past 1am, waking up at least 3 times before 4:30am. After 4:30 I was awake. I stayed in bed thinking I would go back to sleep, no such luck. I have to go to one class this morning, then I hit the road. I'm heading home to see my mom and the wonderful man I have the pleasure of calling mine. I had planned on getting to his house and hanging out with my best friend until he got home from work, today. However, I didn't tell him this plan. Instead, he opted out of taking a lunch yesterday and today so that he could leave 2 hours early today, getting out of work right about the time I'll roll into town.

We have a date tonight. Then Turkey day. I'll be spending it with my mom and the same friends of the family where we always spend the day. He'll be spending it with ALL of his family. At some point in the day, I'm supposed to make my way over to his place and meet the entire entourage at once. He's one of 6 children, plus all of their partners, a few children, two parents....I'm a wee bit nervous.

Friday my mom volunteered Kevin and I to sit out at Best Buy all night to get a computer for her--meaning we'll finally have one at home, again. Then we're going Christmas shopping together. The afternoon I'm going to see RENT with my best friend from high school. We always went to see the play together when it came into town, so it's only natural that we're seeing the movie together. Friday evening my mom, Kevin, and I are having a nice dinner so they can get to know each other.

Saturday is his birthday. Since I don't know if he'll check my blog between now and then, I'm going to have to leave out the details. I promise, my plans are awesome and it'll be a great day.

Sunday, dreadful Sunday. I'll be back for one more week and a half of pure and undeniable HELL. Yay!!!

Anyway, sorry I haven't been around much lately. I hope everyone has a terrific holiday, stay safe and eat lots of TURKEY!!!!

A not so sad day

2005-11-16T11:30:00.000-05:00

Five years ago today God called a very special little girl home. While we were only related by love, I was still her big sissy and she my little sissy. Her life was short and well lived. She, nor any of us, took a single day of her life for granted. In years past, this was a hard day for me, filled with tears and sadness. While I've been thinking about her more lately, dreaming too, I find that today is more nostalgic bordering on bittersweet. I will always love her and eventually will be able to hold her in my arms again. But for now, I trust that God will craddle her until the rest of us arrive. I would say Rest In Peace to my dearest little sissy, but I know that's not what she's doing. Her earthly life confined her in so many ways. I know she's spending her days dancing and singing and running and playing. So, live on in peace and joy my sweet angel.

She was put here for a reason, to touch lives, to change people, to affect things we'll never understand. She did what she was put here to accomplish and God called her home where she could be free from her aliments, a reward for her hard work on earth...

Katelyn Joyce Harper 2/14/1990-11/16/2000
Sisters Forever

Cheesy Song Time

2005-11-15T09:30:00.000-05:00

Okay, I'm going to commit the cheesy song lyrics crime. I've just been really stressed out lately and Kevin's really helped me stay focused and calm. It's nice to have someone on my side instead of against me for once! I cut out most of the lyrics, so it wouldn't be so horrible. . .

Because You Live
by Jesse McCartney

Staring out at the rain with a heavy heart
It's the end of the world in my mind
Then your voice pulls me back
Like a wake-up call

Because you live, there's a reason why
I carry on when I lose the fight
I want to give what you've given me
Always

Because you live and breathe
Because you make me believe in myself
When nobody else can help
Because you live
My world has everything I need to survive
Because you live, I live, I live

Jesus Freak

2005-11-13T13:00:00.000-05:00

I spent the day yesterday at Boonadducious, an event for Christian music artists both local and big time to take the stage and perform. The last song of the night is an old one, but important to remember. This one goes out to Breazy!

Separated I cut myself clean
From a past that comes back in my darkest of dreams
Been apprehended by a spiritual force
And a grace that replaced all the me I've divorced

I saw a man with a tattoo on his big fat belly
It wiggled around like marmalade jelly
It took me a while to catch what it said
Cause I had to match the rhythm of his belly with my head
Jesus Saves is what it raved in a typical tattoo green
He stood on a box in the middle of the city
And claimed he had a dream

What will people think when they hear that I'm a Jesus freak
What will people do when they find that it's true
I don't really care if they label me a Jesus freak
Cause there ain't no disguising the truth

Kamikaze my death is gain
I've been marked by my maker a peculiar display
The high and lofty they see me as weak
Cause I won't live and die for the power they seek

There was a man from the desert with naps in his head
The sand that he walked was also his bed
The words that he spoke made the people assume
There wasn't too much left in the upper room
With skins on his back and hair on his face
they thought he was strange by the locusts he ate
The Pharisee's tripped when they heard him speak
Until the king took the head of this Jesus freak

People say I'm strange does it make me a stranger
That my best friend was born in a manger
People say I'm strange does it make me a stranger
That my best friend was born in a manger

What will people think
(What will people think)
What will people do
(What will people do)
I don't really care
(What else can I say)
There ain't no disguising the truth
(Jesus is the way)

~DC Talk

YAY for flowers!!!

2005-11-11T20:00:00.000-05:00

So, today around 3pm a special delivery showed up for me. My wonderful new beau sent me gorgeous flowers...just because!! They're beautiful!! It's no fair, him making me cry from the other side of the state. The card simply said, "You Rock!!! Kevin." He didn't know my address, so he asked my friend for it. She didn't have it either, so she called my mom and got it. I'm just dumbstruck by his sweetness!!! In case you can't really tell....I'm beaming from ear to ear, as I have been all afternoon!! I've never been sent flowers before!

I borrowed a friend's digital camera to get these shots. They aren't great, but then I don't really know how to use his really fancy camera.

I'm Back!!!

2005-11-09T01:00:00.000-05:00

Well, that long weekend turned into a week, then a week & a half, then two weeks. My computer at home decided to die in the middle of all of that and I had limited access to the library computers. I actually went one day to relate a lot of what I'm going to put here, but the browser screwed up as I was trying to post it and I lost a long post. I'll start with a few pictures of the campus post Wilma.

Branches from the tree on the other side of the building

The courtyard with debris everywhere and benches moved around

Poor, poor tree

So, like I said, I went home. The first night I was home my mom had dinner plans so I called up a friend of mine who I haven't been very "friendly" to lately. We never really talk unless I'm in town, but I haven't been in town much, so she was getting a tiny bit frustrated with me. Rightly so. I went to her house for dinner with her, her fiancé, and his brother. We made an urban bonfire and had a blast just sitting around and talking.

I have a pass to Busch Gardens and I had two free tickets, so I figured we could all chip in and buy an extra ticket. The four of us went the first Saturday I was home and just really had a great time. We're all pretty similar in the right ways and different enough to keep everyone laughing and entertained. After BG we made dinner, made a fire, carved pumpkins, and watched "Batman Begins." I reluctantly left their place at 2am.

Our pathetic pumpkin we lovingly named Der

Upon finding out that I had more time out of school, I realized I was going to be home for Halloween. I invited my little posse over for handing out candy and dinner. We all had a great time. The next night I had a birthday dinner to go to and I didn't really want to do alone. I asked my friend if she thought her future brother-in-law, Kevin, would want to go with me. She wasn't sure and asked his brother. I got an overwhelming, "Don't ask!" from the brother. However, Kevin and I were flirting more than ever and he was stalling when it was time for them to leave. I went out on a limb and asked him to come along anyway. After a couple Cheshire cat grins and minimal conversation, I had myself a date. I wasn't going to call it that, though; we were just friends going out to my friend's dinner. Still I couldn't help be a bit hopeful that the night would run smoothly and present and opportunity for future evenings together.

The evening turned into pick on Tina night, which was all in good fun and to be expected. We all laughed and had a TERRIFIC time. Kevin had said he didn't want to stay all that late, so I begged out around 10:30 knowing we had an hour drive home. Once we were about 15 minutes from home, I asked him if he wanted to just say goodnight or go for a walk. We detoured. We went for a walk around a local park. Now, there are about three paths, each one slightly longer than the one before. We took the longest route. Since we had gone out of town, I had driven. We finally headed back to his place, although neither one of us really wanted to. We pulled up and he took his seatbelt off and I reached for mine. Stupid, you're not getting out! You don't need to take your seatbelt off!! We gave each other timid looks and he bid a pathetic goodnight, hesitated, then leaned over for a kiss. OMG!!!!!! (in a good way) Keep in mind we pulled up to his house around 12:00. It was 2am before we finally said goodnight. We sat and talked and kissed and talked and just enjoyed each other's company.

Since I didn't have a whole lot of time left in town, we wasted no time in setting up another date. So, the next night we went out again. We were going to go bowling. But, the first place we went was small and had no lanes available. The second place was REALLY crowded, but apparently had lanes open. We both decided that many people didn't appeal to us. We went to dinner and decided to figure out something at that point. When we were done I suggested going to the beach. He'd never been to the beach at night!!! Hello, we live in FL minutes away from the beach and he'd never been at night?!?!? We walked and talked and watched the million birds that were out there (felt like we were in a Hitchcock film). It was INCREDIBLE!!! We got back to his place a bit earlier this time, around 10:30-11:00 I think. I didn't leave until 2am...same story.

The next night my friend wanted me to come over and hang out, all four of us. So, I figured, why not? We ate dinner, played Scattegories, watched TV and who knows what else. I had to take my GRE the next day, so I was determined to leave earlier. I made it home around 1am. Good thing my test was in the afternoon!!

Friday was my GRE, it went okay. Not spectacular, but not bad. I'm not happy, but okay with my scores. After my test I'd planned to take one of my friends who'd just turned 21 out for drinks. Why not bring along Kevin? So he came with us. When I stopped by his house to pick him up, he had a present waiting for me. Just because. I hugged my new Stitch stuffed animal, then realized I should probably hug the benefactor as well. After we went out, we wound up outside his house again...I left at 2am.

Us at Applebee's, taken with his camera phone, he likes this pic a lot more than I do

Since Saturday was my last day in town, he wanted to do something with me. We went to the aquarium and out to a late lunch. Then my friend really wanted to see Jarhead, so the four of us went to see it that evening. I promised to stop by and say good-bye on my way out of town, but that didn't keep me from staying until 2am again.

Sunday I stopped by to say good-bye and cried. I didn't expect to cry. He didn't seem all that excited to see me go, either. But, I had to. So after awhile, I left.

Now we're talking, a lot. I feel really guilty because I have to keep limiting when and how long we can talk because I'm so overly stressed, once again. Now that I'm back, we're all going crazy. We have 6 weeks of curriculum to cover and only 4 weeks left in the semester. All the professors are giving us out of class make-up assignments and papers and all sorts of craziness. But he's a great guy and seems to understand all I have to deal with. We're both pathetically missing each other, but as of today, it's only 2 weeks until I'm home for Thanksgiving and his birthday. Then I'll have a week and a half before I'm home for Christmas break.

The sweetie holding his niece so she wouldn't get too near the fire.

I probably won't be around much until then. I really shouldn't be on now. I have a paper due at 6:30 that isn't started. I should technically have a prospectus for a final project done by then, too...we'll see about that though. Anyway, hope everyone has a terrific day!!

Impromptu Fall Break

2005-10-26T16:20:00.000-04:00

Well, Wilma decided to be "generous" and allow us a fall break this year. So, being that they weren't sure exactly how much food they had, and we have a 7pm curfew, and everything in the area is a MESS, and we have a week off of school....I decided it was as good a time as any to head home. So, here I am!!

I'm going to try to get some work done while partying it up with old friends and spending time with my goofy little fur ball!! I'm currently using a computer that might have been Pebbles' first (sorry, I'm sick of the Flintstones references, too), so I probably won't be around much until next week. Then it's nucking futs time at school as we try to make up a week lost in the last half of the semester. I'll try to get my pics developed by the time I go back so I can post them for you all to see what Wilma did to my poor little campus.

Have a terrific week, all!! See you after my leisure time is complete!

Interesing Voicemails

2005-10-25T11:00:00.000-04:00

In preparation for the storm, I left the following message on my voicemail: "Hey guys, this is Tina checking in from Hurricane Alley! If you're getting this message it probably means I don't have cell service. You can try my land line ###-###-####, but it's a cordless so if we don't have power that won't work. Your best bet is to just leave me a message and I'll try to get back to you whenever I can. Thanks!! Bye!"

Interesting responses:

Vanessa (a friend who lives about 20 minutes South of me--well within impact zone): "I guess you don't have service or power. I'm really worried about you, please call me right away!!" This was supplemented by two text messages saying about the same thing (different wording each time so I know she sent it twice on purpose) and one asking how I was holding up. Perhaps I'm just a synic, but how can I call you if you can't call me and how am I supposed to get your text messages if I can't get your phone calls??

Lisa (friend, somewhere on the other coast of FL, I think, who really knows): "Hurricane Allie?? I thought it was Hurricane Wilma!! What's going on?!?!? Please call me I'm so worried about you." D'oh!

More Updates

2005-10-25T10:30:00.000-04:00

They're talking about evacuating us now. Boca (our main campus) has no water, electricity, phones, cable (not sure how they know that without power), internet. They were "shelter shopping" this morning, trying to find a place for all the residents to go. We may be out of classes the rest of the week. Our food supply here is rather insufficient even though there aren't many of us here. They're hoping for a shipment, but some of the roads aren't very safe and they're limiting traffic in some areas. The other buildings on campus don't have power, so they aren't certain if we'll maintain power.

They're meeting at 10am (now) to discuss what to do. We should know before 1 what's going on.

So more waiting games. But again, I've got a food stash, 3/4 tank of gas, plenty to do, so I'm really not worried about anything. I'm just fine here!! Promise!

Power is GOOD!!!

2005-10-25T08:30:00.000-04:00

So Wilma rolled on up in here starting in the middle of Sunday night, packing a cat 3 punch. It was pretty nasty and totally exciting at the same time. I didn't get much sleep due to the anticipation and loud rain outside. I got up around 7 and turned on the TV (and returned it on through the various brown outs) and got out some homework reading. I watched TV and read and watched the storm until there were only two of the three options left. The power disappeared somewhere between 8-10 (I lost track of time).

Around 10-10:30 the eye came over us. Nothing terribly exciting, we didn't get the eerie calm. The wind slowed down and rain got very light. Then we were in it for round two. The wind was worse during the second half, but there was much less rain. There are about 50 of us or so still on campus and we meet in various common areas of our respective buildings (we weren't allowed to leave the buildings for obvious reasons) to watch things. It was pretty much done by around 1 or 2 and everything was completely done by about 4.

They opened the dining hall to feed us cold cuts for about an hour, but I opted out (they buy the lowest quality meat and it's SO nasty). The dorms were so quiet and so loud all at the same time with nothing on and nothing to drown out noise. I have a professor who lives very nearby and she had offered up her house to us prior to the storm. Sleeping in an eerie, non-powered bedroom (with windows that don't open, hence very stagnant, ever warmer air) didn't really appeal to me so I went to her place for the night. It was interesting driving the less-than-one mile to her house. This area is very new so there are lots of trees without root systems. Lots of them wound up in the street, along with street lights, traffic signals, power lines, and who knows what else.

I just got back and found that we indeed have power now (I'm told it came back between 11:00 and midnight). It's VERY chilly outside. I'd say cold, but then I'd get laughed at. AOL is telling me it's about 54 F. One of my friends is having some trouble. She's a bit on edge. I might wind up taking her home to Kissimmee (Disney area) today and spending some time at home. I originally opted to stay here so I could get work done, but I think she might need to go home and doesn't have a way to get there.

So that's were everything is. My cell phone is working, when it wants to. My room phone is working now that we have power (cordless), but I don't have an answering machine. I'll try to keep in contact as much as I can, but no need to worry about me!! I'm doing just fine!

(I took a bunch of pictures, but I'm not cool enough for a digital camera, so I'll try to get those developed and on a CD so I can post some of them).

Long weekend getting longer!!!

2005-10-23T18:00:00.000-04:00

Well, I just found out that my long weekend will now extend into Tuesday. So much time to be productive!! Although, I still can't rationalize why they did that. The storm should be out of the area by late Monday evening. But hey, no complaining here!!

I just need to say how BEAUTIFUL it has been here, with the exception of Friday. Even then, it wasn't really nasty, just some on and off rain. Saturday was gorgeous. On my way to breakfast/lunch with some friends, we passed a family on their bikes, out for a mid-day ride. Today was sunny and bright as well. The winds were up a little, but it was hard to tell if that was just normal "autumn" breezes or hurricane induced winds. I saw one light shower that lasted all of five minutes earlier today, but nothing really so far. The forecast STILL has it going directly over us. We're supposed to have a building meeting later tonight to go over worse-case-scenarios (I think). One of my favorite professors offered me her one of her spare rooms at their place if things get yucky here. I've worked with both her and her husband last year and this year and her kids are terrific. So, if we loose power or water or something comes flying through my impossible glass, I skip on over to her place (which is at max a mile from here).

So, life goes on as normal around here. Went to church, then sang in the Latin choir, came home, did some homework, cleaned my room, did my laundry (wow, didn't realize I hadn't done it in so long), and now I'm about to get back to doing some grad school stuff. Hope you all enjoyed your weekend!! Have fun at work tomorrow and Tuesday--he he *snicker, snicker*

Grad School Freak Out

2005-10-22T19:30:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I decided to take part of this weekend and clear away some of this looming application work.

I registered for the GRE, but since I waited too long, I can't take it until Nov 4 and I have to go home to do it even that early. Then I busted out the GRE prep book my friend gave me. I wasn't really all that worried about my verbal scores, all I do is read and write. However, it has been 2-3 years since I've even so much as touched my calculator other than to balance my check book. So the math portion was worrying me a bit. So I start with the first practice test. I completely screwed up the instructions for the verbal and bombed that section. I did equally as poorly on the math, but I expected that...just needed to get those particular cogs going again. Well, I realized my instruction mistake and went through each problem and read the solutions and explanations anyway. I was still raring to go, so I decided to take another practice test. Well, this time I knew what the instructions were and I was fairly confident that my score would sky rocket. No such luck. I got the same terrible score!!! My math score shot way up, though. Now explain this one to me, please!! I'm absolutely baffeled! I figured I was just worse off than I expected and started working on the extra verbal activities provided. Well, I was doing 90% or better on all those activities. I just don't get it.

So then I decided to turn my attention to my applications. I found that two of the applications I want, I still don't have. I tried e-mailing the person listed on one site for a packet, but the e-mail bounced. Terrific. The other site I tried filling out the online form (again) and (again) it wouldn't process. I found another address for someone at the first school and e-mailed him. Then I found an address for someone at school two and e-mailed him. Meanwhile, I still had a couple of packets that I wanted to take a closer look at. Last night I submitted the electronic portion of my #1 choice and filled out all the supplemental materials. I just have one more essay to write for that one. Talk about nerve racking and exciting all in the same ragged breath. So then I looked at the other applications. One of my other top choices requires quite a bit more than I've done. That school is near my northern relatives, so if all else fails, I could do non-degree seeking work while living with one of them and get residency there. Then re-apply. That actually wouldn't be a terrible idea. Except hanging around for a year, blah. Another school has really turned me off, so I threw that application to the side. Finally I filled out one more application. It's not one of my top choices, but if I might wind up sending it in anyway. Each one of these things is $50 a pop to so much as submit. No refunds for getting shot down.

I feel good, sorta. I little more at ease and a little more stressed out. I've got to figure out this verbal thing and work on entrance essays and personal statements and ... Still hanging out, waiting to see what Miss Wilma's going to bring while watching TS Alpha! It should be intersting to see if that one stays its course. I wonder what colliding hurricanes does....

Anyway, I've got degree audit paper work to fill out so I can get on up out of this joint in May! Hope everyone's staying safe and having fun!

Hurricane Weekend

2005-10-21T14:15:00.000-04:00

Whoo Hoo!! Long weekend!!

My school has finally decided to make a decision. They’ve cancelled Monday classes and closed the university Sunday and Monday, but we’re not going on total lockdown. Meaning, the dorms are open to residents ONLY and all other buildings will be closed.

All the upper-classmen are hitting the store to stock up on…er….necessities (of the alcoholic persuasion) and preparing to hunker down. The under-classmen are scattering like cockroaches in the light. Me, I’m stoked to have the whole weekend to myself, two of my roommates went home and the other one is pretty quiet and tends to occupy herself with her local friends off campus. I went to the store, amazing wasn’t a mad house, and bought milk, juice, and crackers. All predictions have put this storm exiting the state right over our city (National Hurricane Center & Hurricane Alley & Local News). The timing and strength has fluctuated quite a bit, though.

Like I said, I’m prepared to ride this thing out. I’m going to curl up with my blankie, GRE prep book, a cup of grape juice, and some Triscuits!! I’m hard core, let me tell ya! I sincerely hope the eye passes over us. It shouldn’t be strong enough to cause that much damage (besides I live in the ritziest part of the state—if I wasn’t in the dorms I’d never be able to live here, barely can even with that precaution). I just think it will be cool to experience the calm, blue skies of the eye in the middle of the storm. I’ve been through enough on the edges; I want the full thing this time ;) Yes, I know I’m asking for it, but hey, after a million anticlimactic storms can’t I wish for a little excitement to accompany all the panic?

I hope everyone has a terrific weekend! I’m going to get back to the studying and enjoying my hurricane weekend!

The concrete building I call home
after a few hurricanes last year.

The street I actually live on,
at home after Jeanne, as a cat 1

P.S. Are there any other regular readers that I haven't gotten in my link list?? I tried to finally update it and now I can't figure out if I included all my normal haunts :/

No really, enough's enough

2005-10-18T14:00:00.000-04:00

I'm fervently working on my thesis like a good little girl and catching up. My stress level is still relatively high, but I'm working on putting it in His hands and letting go. I'm doing better...

Now this! I don't have the $50 it's going to cost to evac. Besides, most of our gas stations are out of gas anyway. We've been having a problem with that lately. I wonder what they're going to do now that they're out of names. Go AWAY, Wilma!!!

God's Glory

2005-10-12T08:45:00.000-04:00

I know I said I wasn't going to be on much for a bit, but I'm giving up my morning nap to relate an INCREDIBLE story.

Yesterday was terrible, just awful! I got back midterm after midterm with nothing to show the amount of work I've been doing. My day started at 5:30 just like every day, and I was off and running non-stop until 10:30 last night. Homework, classes, errands, homework, classes, homework...and it all HAD to be done yesterday. I was in over my head and losing my grip, FAST!!

Joseph had messaged me yesterday morning and we'd kept a running dialog most of the day. By the time I was sitting in my last class of the day, without my homework for that class complete, with an unimpressive midterm grade, and a new LENGTHY homework assignment in my hands I lost it. I was sitting in class willing myself not to shake which in turn forced me into tears. So now I'm trying not to shake and trying not to cry. I sent Joseph a quick message hoping that his encouragement would help. He did respond, but it lacked sincerity. I chalked that evaluation up to my stress level. Class goes on and I was actually getting a lot accomplished (it was a lab). I finished a huge assignment by doing some tricky programing work in excel. It must be noted that I despise LapPro! After I finished I started helping another student who's my mother's age and just doesn't get this whole computer thing. After we gave it a rest we started walking out and actually started talking about God and Christianity and peace and grace and comfort. It was REALLY cool!

I walked passed the Homecoming carnival to my lonely and VERY messy dorm room to finish the homework and e-mail it to my professor. I sent Joseph a final text message around 10:15 to let him know I was finally done with my day and going to bed. At least I thought I was. My dinner selection decided to haunt me, so I didn't fall asleep very quickly (I guess popcorn and Pepsi on an empty and stressed out stomach isn't the best idea--particularly for someone sensitive to caffeine). Now, anyone who knows me knows that I go to bed as close to 9 as I possibly can since I don't sleep well, ever, and I have to get up so early. My phone started vibrating at 10:45 and I figured I was awake so I might as well answer it. It was Joseph. With torn emotions, I answered. At first he was very concerned and did his "it will be okay and you'll get through it just like always and what can I do" routine. At the last comment I laughingly said he could write my thesis for me. He asked what it was about (hello, where have you been?) and I told him Panama. He gave me a very conservative and limited-knowledge two sentence summary of the fact that Panama has a canal. I laughed at his assessment of the situation.

I then launched into an explanation of my thesis from intro through conclusion. I was starting to feel a lot better and more in control of things as I realized I had more of an idea what I was going to write about than I'd previously thought. Just as I was relaxing in this realization, he piped in with his conservative pro-American argument. I tried to point out to him facts that I've come across in my MONTHS of research. This was in vain, of course. I was trying to let go of his ignorant critique of my hard work when he launched into Puerto Rican bashing. Well, that's about all I could take. You're not going to find many Latin American scholars accepting an ignorant commentary laced with such hatred. I decided that explaining some reasons for the things that he was complaining about was a waste of my time and abruptly ended the phone call. I sent him a text message trying to calmly explain why I had gotten upset and to apologize for my rudeness. His messages in return were terribly rude, meanly rude. I called him crying to say that if this is the way he shows his friendship when I needed his support most, I had no interest. He just argued more and argued that he hadn't been arguing and basically said he didn't care what I felt. We basically hung up on each other.

That was it! I curled up in a ball and started uncontrollably crying. My jaw was chattering, I was shaking all over, tears were STREAMING down my face, and I was whimpering as a result of trying to hold back sobs. It was BAD! But, it didn't last all that long. Shortly after I broke down a thought passed through my mind: "forgive him." I suddenly remembered the devotional I'd read that morning about being quick to forgive but careful to not allow abuse to perpetuate. By the time that flash of thought finished, I realized I was laying flat on my back, one leg straight and under the covers, one leg cocked to support the small of my back, my arms comfortably positioned. The shaking and chattering had stopped. My cheeks were wet, but no new tears were flowing. I was calm, peaceful, and comfortable. "Just forgive him, Tina."

I laid there, still, for a LONG time. I don't lay/sit/stand still for any given amount of time. When I finally did move, I rolled over and fell fast asleep.

I cannot describe the incredible power the Lord can have when He rushes in and touches our lives. There is only one explanation for what happened to me last night. I was spiraling downward so fast, so out of control. In one single moment, He came to me and calmed me. Instantaneously. I only got 5.5 hours of sleep last night. I need much more to function, especially after such a long and stressful day. However, today I'm only slightly sleepy. I didn't doze off watching cartoons while babysitting this morning; didn't have the need to take a nap after sitting and before class. I'm almost shaking in pure excitement and disbelief. I can handle anything because at the end of the day, it's not me who is handling it at all.

On my way to babysit, the song I had posted earlier came on the radio, "You'll think of me." I cranked it and listened to the words, again, with new meaning. The following verse jumped out at me:

Someday I'm gonna run across your mind
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I'm gonna be alright
While you're sleeping with your pride
Wishing I could hold you tight
I'll be over you
And on with my life

I'm going to be fine. I'm going to get over him. I was in love with what he represented, not with who he was. I'm working on another poem, perhaps I'll be more proud of this one. I'll post it later, once I've worked it all out.

I hope everyone has a terrific day. I'll be back once I tie up some loose ends and get at least up to date. God bless!

Panic Attack

2005-10-11T19:30:00.000-04:00

I'm currently trying to fight off a panic attack. Two mediocre test grades, one mediocre essay grade combined with more work than there are hours in the day is freaking me out. In the past four days I've probably eaten sufficiently for one and yet I'm not hungry, nor do I have to time to care. I'll be offline for awhile. Please send your love, I could use it right now.

Happy Columbus Day!!

2005-10-10T12:30:00.000-04:00

Today is the "glorious" recognition of the "founder" of the new world. This blog could get really long and spiteful, but I'm going to make it as to the point as possible. This wonderful man had his math COMPLETELY wrong and thought he could make it to India in a matter of a couple of months. A month longer than the trip was expected to be, they got lucky and ran into the islands in the Caribbean. They would have died had they not stumbled upon the riches (of the land, not of metal) of the indigenous people. So the story continues to talk about his grand development and the civilazation of the savage people. And by civilazation, I do mean wiping out all the indigenous and replacing them with Europeans and black slaves. Some indigenous were crafty enough to blend in and completely forget their old ways (there have been recent biological tests to show that 25% of the genetic make-up of the population of the Dominican Republic is in fact Taino).

Then there's this monument. The monument is in his honor in the Dominican Republic (where he first settled). They kicked several neighborhoods worth of people out of their homes to build this thing. Then, they light it up and shine this huge cross into the night sky on special occasions (i.e., today). When they do, most of the city has to go without power, which is in rather short supply to begin with.

Oh the beautiful irony! Enjoy your holiday!

Desperation

2005-10-09T18:15:00.000-04:00

I'm supposed to pretend I don't notice
Pretend I don't care
Listen to you talk
Listen to you share

Best friend, that's what you call me
Lover was once my name
But now I guess that's hers
And we'll never be the same

You're with her now
I'm torn apart, confused, alone
Wishing you still wanted me
I stare at the silent phone

If only you could see
If only you knew
Would it make a difference
Could our love be renewed

But I don't have the strength
You don't have the time
It won't ever work
You'll never again be mine

I don't want to love you
Don't want to hurt anymore
Can't stand the pain
Can't handle the heart you've torn

So, please, just keep along
Walk away and ignore my tears
Maybe you'll remember me
When you look back on these years.

Here, LP, I tried. My pathetic attempt at a cheesy poem. I really wish I could stop crying, stop caring, stop wanting to be in his arms. Above all I wish I knew how. Why do I allow him to have this control over me? Why can't I just harden my heart and move on? What was different about the last time, the time I walked away and hurt him? Now he's the one who's left me broken and alone. I know it will never work out, I know he's no good for me, I know I deserve better. Then why can't I convince myself of that. Funny thing is, I didn't want to get back together with him until the past few weeks. Is this all because before I knew he still wanted me and I could turn around at any given moment and now I know he's finally moving on?

I'm feeling so lost and alone right now. My few friends are all hurting right now and I'm the strong one. I have to be strong with my mom, can't let her see me hurt. The only person in the world I can turn to right now might not care, and if he did, it'd hurt all the more. Shit, even the counselor doesn't want to see me anymore. So instead I pour my heart out online to people I don't know and will probably never meet.

Church has always been a place of comfort to me, but right now they're doing this series called "God @ Home" which makes me feel all that much more alone. I don't have a "home" right now. My mom's so far away and I'm temporarily renting this dorm space until I move, yet again, at the end of this year. My father doesn't talk to me nor does most of his family. Right now I want nothing more than to crawl into someone's lap and cry myself to sleep. Too bad there's no one around.

I guess that's all I've got. I'm just hurting so much right now and feel like there's no one for me to turn to. I'll probably wind up calling him and either feel worse because he won't have time for me or won't care...or because he'll toy with my mind and emotions once again, whether intentionally or not. I just want to curl up into a ball and disappear.

Cool as shiznit!!!!

2005-10-08T21:30:00.000-04:00

So I've spent the whole day locked in my room being very productive and a good little senior thesis writting girl. I came across a place in my notes where I'd listed books from another university that I'd wanted to get through interlibrary loan. One of those books I really wanted to own myself. The only problem is that it was written by a Panamanian and published by a Panamanian press. Apparently it's next to impossible to get books from Latin American countries that aren't published in the United States. I got online and started searching and searching. I finally found a site that listed several books by this author and gave an e-mail link to contact if you wanted to purchase the books. Thinking nothing of it, I sent an e-mail expressing my interest in buying this specific book. I wasn't sure if I'd even get a response. Well, after all my hard work I rewarded myself with a dinner out with a friend, topped off with icecream (I feel sick, in that good way). So I come back to an e-mail from the AUTHOR of the book. He lists off a few stores where I might aquire this book if I lived in Panama. However, I very much do not live in Panama...I hadn't read far enough. He also said if I lived outside of Panama, to give him my address and he'd find out how much it would cost to mail it to me. SCORE!!! I e-mailed him back explaining a bit of my interest and why I wanted a copy of his book so badly and included my mailing address. He e-mailed me back to say that it would cost $20 to send it and to either mail him a money order or cash wrapped up. How cool is that?!?!? So now I'm going to get an awesome book from the author himself. ROCK!!

long week

2005-10-06T15:30:00.000-04:00

Okay, so time for a real post. It's been a long week and fairly roller-coasterish.

Saturday night I was almost home from the lab when my phone rang. It was the home number of a dear friend who was to be getting married this coming weekend (Oct 9) . As I was supposed to be in the wedding, I assumed the phone call was important. That was an understatement!! The wedding has been called off. Her mom was so upset, poor woman. "They both need more time, particularly him." What did the bastard do?? I'll wack his weenie off!!! But, she didn't give details, just said to pray and that the "bride," K, would call me when she was ready. She said she sent K to stay with K's sister in New Jersey for awhile (they live in a VERY small town in NC). Her poor mom was in tears when she asked me to call a couple of the other bridesmaids that I'm close to. K is the LAST person in the world you'd want to double cross. She's beautiful, sweet, innocent, PERFECT in every way. I want to kill him for hurting her.

After that "lovely" conversation, I picked up my roommate and we grabbed some fine, gourmet dining. Yes, by that I do mean Taco Bell. On our way back to our suite (the first time I've been in the building in about 30 hrs) I notice my bicycle isn't sitting in the little alcove of the hallway. Terrific, I'm running on two hours of sleep, terrible news and now this?!?!? I talked to the housing director and he said he'd look into it but no promises. An hour or two later it was found, thank God. Apparently the Fire Marshal had been in the other dorm building and found a bike "out of place" and confiscated it. On of the RA's heard about it and had seen my bike in the hallway, WAY out of the way, in a cubby hole of wasted space, and had hidden it in a storage closet so it wouldn't get swiped. I was jumping up and down when I wheeled it into our common room, its new home.

Okay, I've now been up for 36 hours with a two hour nap. I think it's about time for me to sleep!! Just kidding. The people above me think it's wonderful to play their music really loud and dance. Okay, fine. I dug out my little fan, faced it towards the wall, and created my own little sound machine. Nope, still not good enough. Okay, how about my little sound machine and a smooth CD playing right by my head. Well, that was better and after an hour or so I finally passed out.

Sunday--the sun is shining and I'm semi-well rested and running late for church. I NEVER EVER EVER run late. I despise being late. Oh well, there's a first time for everything. So I get to church and it's all about family and home life and blah blah blah. Our new series is "God @ Home" and the "theme verse" is Joshua 24:15 "but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." I remember my brother saying that phrase a bit and I can picture this painting he has in his house that has that below it. My brother and I haven't really spoken in the past few years. In fact, we've barely seen each other and made it a point to avoid each other. Since he doesn't have a good relationship with my mom, avoiding him isn't very hard. I can count on one hand how many times I've seen my 20 month niece (that's 1 2/3 years for Damasta) and still have a finger or two left to pick my nose. So yeah, things basically suck between us, which is spectacular since neither one of us has a relationship with our father and I'm loosing my relationship with my dad's side of the family as my brother looses my mom's side of the family.

Anyway, I've been thinking about him a lot lately and this sermon was basically a "hello, call him stupid" for me. So, after the service, I did just that. On my way to the car, I was shaking as I took out my cell phone and scanned my list for his name. Our conversation went REALLY well. I think we've both started growing up enough to tolerate each other a bit more and to put past bullshit behind us. We talked for about 20 minutes. We agreed that we didn't want to loose each other as we've lost so much family already (and apparently we're loosing more--but that's another story). He basically invited me to step into the role as his daughter's only aunt. The whole thing was really cool. I hung up the phone and started bawling...out of overwhelming emotion. By that point I was sitting at a table in Applebee's with a friend and the server gave me a very strange look. Oh well!

After all of that it was back to church for spn service and singing. Yay!!

Well afterward I was supposed to go to the beach with a friend where I don't know what she was planning to do, but I made it clear that I HAD to read and study. I called her to see what she was doing and if we were still on. That lead into a two hour conversation about how depressed she was and how she's been treating me like crap and her holier than thou attitude and stuff. It was pretty intense, but it's good that it's out there. Then I invited her over for dinner to show there were no hard feelings, even though I really didn't have the time to waste. But, it's all good.

This week is midterm week. I had an exam on Monday (did okay), a paper due on Tuesday (pretty good), and an exam today (eh). I'm still beat from my escapades over the weekend. While I had a great time, I realized it's one of the last times I'll be doing something like that with that group of friends. Add on top of everything the Joseph drama....OY! Let's just say that the beginning of the week didn't go well.

Tuesday was Rosh Hashana (sorry if I spelled that wrong) so the public schools were out. The girl that I babysit was home all day with her mom, but her mom had to do something for three hours in the afternoon so I was going to watch her. Well, the little girl wanted to come hang out at my place. That's cool. I figured I'd take her swimming at the pool here on campus. Well, this poor kid came to find out that tropical weather and dorm rooms don't really mix. I have a wide selection of kid movies, but 7 year olds can only sit through so much Disney, apparently. She can thank Tropical Storm Tammy for her blah afternoon.

Then there's Joseph. I never sent him that letter. I was too upset to send it the day I wrote it and didn't care enough to send it after that. Maybe I'll still send it, maybe I won't. All I know is that I have to put distance between us because the closeness we'd been toying with was too much for me. We're supposed to spend Nov 4th together (an event that he wanted me to go to with him), but I don't know if that's going to happen. Basically, I don't know much of anything.

Thursday afternoons are my usual time to meet with the counselor. He said he couldn't think of much for us to talk about and that if I really wanted to come in, I could, but he didn't think it was necessary. I'm a bit confused. I still feel really depressed, but perhaps that's just my situation and things will start looking up soon enough. He said he'd put me down for a maybe next week, but unless something comes up, he doesn't think we'll be meeting anymore. Um, okay. I guess I should take that as a good sign, but it was just struck me as a bit odd.

So now I've got all weekend to do all the thesis stuff I've been supposed to be doing all semester long. My adviser responded to an e-mail I sent her about something completely non-related and wrote "P.S. I haven't seen anything from you this semester, what do you think your grade is at this point?" OOPS!!

Ahhhh, the sweet bliss of blogging again. Now if only I can catch up so I can do it daily or almost daily or something. My poor devotional sits gathering dust, too. I can make up excuses for not blogging, but not having time for God is a little wrong. Anyway, have a terrific day and weekend. And Happy HNT to all of you half nekkid people!!

I'm sorry

2005-10-04T17:00:00.000-04:00

Dearest Joseph,

I can't tell you how much it pains me to write this and the words aren't coming very easily. Since we've both had trouble making up our minds, I'm going to make one decision for us both. This isn't working and it's got to end. I need to focus on my school work; you need to focus on your new interest. You're not being fair to her or me by keeping us both in the middle. She deserves better than to be continually left hanging. Our love was too strong and went on for too long to try to be friends. It was easy to love you, it was easy to hate you, but it's killing me being your friend. I love you too much to be merely your friend. However, we both know that a relationship won't work either; it didn't work before, we're too different, neither one wants it, and we're at different places in life. There's too much history and passion between us. It's got to be all or nothing...since all doesn't work, I guess we're left with nothing. Please understand that I'm not blaming you. I'm just as guilty. What happened at the beginning of August toyed with us both. I can't tell you how similar I feel now to how I felt three years ago. You kept me on the side while you were with her and now you're doing the same, and I'm letting it happen, again. I can't do this. I love you, Joseph. I always have, and I always will, but now's the time to let go, again. I'm sorry, goodbye.

Always,

Tina

You'll Think Of Me

2005-10-04T16:59:00.000-04:00

I woke up early this morning around 4am
With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate
I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep
But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake
Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms
I've been tryin' my best to get along
But that's OK
There's nothing left to say, but

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me

I went out driving trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left
I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been
What we should have been
So

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

Someday I'm gonna run across your mind
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I'm gonna be alright
While you're sleeping with your pride
Wishing I could hold you tight
I'll be over you
And on with my life

So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and all your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we got nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me, yeah

And you're gonna think of me
Oh someday baby, someday

~KEITH URBAN

Error message

2005-10-01T14:15:00.000-04:00

Has anyone else been getting the "down for maintance" error message rather frequently and not during the times it says?

Rabid Dog!!

2005-10-01T11:00:00.000-04:00

Oy! I'm so tired today. It's a good thing running the lab doesn't take much brain power.

So last night, as promised, I took off on an adventure. I met my god-daughter's father, Chad, and her 14 year old uncle in Lakeland and we drove to Tampa to meet the boy, Joseph, and go to Howl-O-Scream at Busch Gardens. The car ride over was a blast. It's a little over a half an hour and with Chad driving, I don't really want to know exactly how long (or not long) it took us. We were being crude and rude and sexist and all kinds of other stuff. I was laughing so hard I had to make the boys shut up and eat the fast food we'd picked up so I could have a breathing break. We were rocking out to ACDC on the hard rock station, then embarrassed the kid by rocking out to the smooth 80's stuff on the soft hits station. It was awesome!! No holds barred. I think they only way anyone would have believed we were stone sober at the time would have been with a breathilizer test.

We got there and we're walking to meet Joseph and another couple that none of us crack heads (the three from the ride over) has met before--co-workers/friend's of Joseph's. I decided that the SHORT walk to the tram stop was too far and made Chad give me a piggy back ride. That lasted about three steps before my stretch low rise jeans created a frightening scene. I know we were all there to be scared, but I don't think that's what people had in mind. So he dropped me, quite literally, I barely kept my feet under me, pulled up my pants, and walked on my own two feet.

We got to the gate and meet this new couple and it was SO awkward. Joseph didn't know how to interact with me. I was having a great time and wasn't going to allow him to ruin it so I focused my attention on my crack-head comrades. Things didn't smooth out until we went in the first haunted house. Now, I'm really sensitive to strobe lights. Yes, I know I shouldn't go to spooky haunted things where I know there will be strobes, but hey, I'm young and dumb! Well, Joseph is well aware of this issue as we've been to this event (and similar ones) many a time. I told Chad, who was walking behind me, to touch my waist or shoulders or something when we went through strobes (I get so disoriented that I can't figure out which way is up or down, left or right, so a simple touch usually helps). Well, apparently having someone behind me do that is totally different from me reaching out to the person in front of me. The first strobe area we walked into, Chad was right there like I'd asked him to, but I couldn't figure out where to go. All of the sudden I felt a very familiar hand in mine, leading me through. Just leading me through, nothing more. It was really nice. He'd remembered and taken care of me, but at the same time, it was totally platonic.

When we got out, one of the group who hadn't gone through the house was off getting her fortune told. Dude, I HATE waiting around. I started wondering around the area, basically just pacing. After a while, we were all tired of waiting and the beer stand was still staring us in the face. Chad bought me a Bacardi Raz and himself a yard of beer, a Howl-O-Scream tradition. Well, I ate a small dinner (my only meal of the day) a few hours before and I was sweating like a cow--FL heat & humidity mixed with a ton of people=nasty! To top it off, I'm pretty much a one drink wonder to begin with. I downed the drink a little too fast realizing I was REALLY thirsty. Oh yeah, that was all it took. Then I was made fun of for about an hour until I got a bottle of water and we sat through an air-conditioned show. Nothing like good friends to tease you relentlessly when you can't for the life of you walk a straight line, or even walk without falling over yourself for that matter.

So the rest of the night went pretty smoothly. I didn't have anymore to drink but two of the guys continued drinking until both us chicks had their keys. Luckily Chad sobered up before we left 'cause I didn't have my glasses with me and driving at night being nearsited isn't a terrific idea.

We ragged on each other, teased each other, scared the piss out of each other, reminisced about years passed, laughed so hard we almost peed ourselves, and had a generally terrific time. By the way, the rabid dog title comes from a Howl-O-Scream a few years ago. Someone was yelling "beware of rabid dog" and we picked it up and have been saying it ever since. Well, in my quasi-drunken state, we were walking through a scare zone when a man dressed as a dog jumped out at me. I have terrible depth perception with my glasses on and it significantly worsens without my glasses. Add to it that I was intoxicated...I had NO IDEA how far away from me this dog-dude was. I ran over the other chick thinking he was going to crash into me while Chad was behind me screaming "rabid dog." I almost fell over myself trying to give him an high five while laughing hysterically.

Towards the end of the night there was a older child (late elementary school) on this bungie/trampoline thing. He looked to be Hispanic, probably Mexican or Guatemalan. Joseph made a horribly crude racial joke. Well, I can take a lot of things, but this is one Latin American scholar that you don't want to piss off. He starting laughing to himself and looked over to check my reaction (I was the only one in ear-shot, hence the joke was made specifically to me). The look on his face was classic a "oh shit." He backtracked a lot and apologized a million times over. It was funnier to see him squirm than to let him know that I was only minimally offended and was over it by the time he'd even opened his mouth to apologize. It taught him a good lesson though.

As the evening came to a close, we all said our goodbyes and went out separate ways. The decision was made that I'd stay with Joseph to avoid some serious drama at my god-daughter's house. Her mom didn't come with us and didn't know I was coming, basically because I didn't know I was coming until the last minute. Had she known, she would have guilt tripped Chad into not going and either both of them staying home or Chad staying home with the baby and her coming in his place. So we decided to say that I'd chosen to join them at the last minute, which was true, and that I had to take care of something at home, which was stretching the truth, a lot.

So I rode back with Joe who was hungry and we waited in the line at McDonald's for who knows how long (along with everyone else who'd been at the park). Finally we made it back to his place around 3am. Mind you I still stink, and pretty noticeably (I still can't figure out why it was so bad though). So I take a shower and he's in bed by the time I got out (I was just glad he didn't insist on joining me in the shower). I didn't really want to sleep in his bed, but the short loveseat wasn't appealing either. Besides, if either of us was going to sleep on the loveseat, it would have been him... his rules, not mine. I asked him what the sleeping arrangements were and he said I could sleep in there with him...gee thanks. So I climbed into "my" side of the bed, all the way at the edge and laid on my side with my back to him. He came over and tried to give me a hug and a kiss, or whatever he was trying to do, all he got to do was give me an awkard hug and a kiss on the cheek. He whispered goodnight all sweet and sexy and seductive like. I just mumbled back goodnight, normally, uninterested. I could tell he was a little rejected, but I'm okay with that. He went back to his side of the bed and we. When the alarm went off 2.5 hours later he tried the cuddling thing again, but again was rebuffed. I was proud of myself.

Fifteen minutes later, it was 6:15 and I was ready to head out. After a long drive, I made it to the lab alive (I didn't fall asleep at the wheel) and actually a good bit early. I don't know how I did this driving-back-from-his-house-first-thing-in-the-morning-before-the-sun-comes-up thing so much my freshman year. I guess I'm just getting old or something. I'm dragging so much today.

Now, I'm not as convinced that I'm done with him, emotionally. However, I am more resolved to rebuff his advances and move on the best that I can. It's time to move on, again... besides, like we've always said, if it's meant to be, it will come around again...but if it's not, no point in waiting around to find out. "It's my life. It's now or never..."

I'm it!

2005-09-30T14:15:00.000-04:00

tag anyone ?

lets play tag

thanks to Thom for "giving" me this idea !

the rules:

1. go into your archive.
2. find your 23rd post.
3. find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. tag five other people to do the same.

here we go:

It literally appeared as if a weight had been lifted off her shoulders/heart.

This came from an entry days after my friend tried to comit suicide. I had just gotten back from visiting her.

i tag the following:

anyone I can think of to tag probably won't play along :*( but it was kinda fun to go through and see which was my 23rd post, so you should do it anyway!!

Gone

2005-09-30T13:00:00.000-04:00

Okay, I'm done being retarded, I think. I've done some thinking, some talking, some venting. Then a perfectly timed song grabbed me and shook me until I snapped out of my stupidity.

I was trying to figure things out with the whole boy situation when it was brought to my attention that I do nothing fun anymore. My simple lunches out with friends have faded by the way side. The time I do have to spend with friends is limited and some of my closest friends aren't exactly healthy for me to spend time with right now. It doesn't count if you feel worse after spending time with someone that you did before you left. Last weekend I was going to take off to Orlando to fight my antsy feeling. I've got a terrific friend that's recently relocated there. But, through the stress of relocating and starting a new job, she was exhausted and fighting off a cold. So, that idea was halted. My mom is currently in Ohio spending time with my family and having a terrific time, as she frequently reminds me by her several phone calls a day. I mean it's terrific that they all miss me, but I don't want to hear about all the fun they're having that I'm missing out on because I'm freaking broke and have more work to do than I know how to accomplish. Some friend's from home are all heading to Howl-o-Scream tonight (Busch Gardens Halloween style). Everyone is having fun but me.

I felt sorry for myself for a good while. Then I decided that blowing $60 for one night of restoring my sanity was worth it. So I'm going to head out of here in a couple of hours, go spend the evening having a blast with people that I know will allow me to have a terrific time, then sleep a few hours and drive back down to the psychology lab tomorrow morning. I'll get back to these details in a minute, but I'm going with the boy, my god-daughter's dad, and a few random other people that don't really play into this.

So back to the boy stuff. I was stuck somewhere between jealousy and trying to move on. I wanted to be wanted by him. I wanted to pretend that if we did get back together that things could work out this time. We're both playing games right now, both trying to make the other one admit that they want a relationship before we'll give in, both not ready to admit ourselves that we'd like to be back in a relationship, both waiting for the other to make the first move. F**K that. Dude, I'm not waiting around for anyone. I don't need someone to make me feel wanted. If I just hold my head high and bat my eyelashes, I can get guys to drool on themselves (not to sound conceited...I don't understand why I have this ability, just an observation). I'm worth more than some second rate townie who has no aspirations in life. I'm leaving this place soon enough, heading out of state to whatever grad school is going to be lucky enough to accept me--Denver, Seattle, Indy, Cincinnati, who knows! While I was working on coming to this conclusion, my "Guys SUCK" playlist was looping in the back ground. I turned it up to hear "Gone" by Kelly Clarkson (sound clip and lyrics). At one time I rocked out to this song, singing it into the night, directed at him. Why was I so convinced of the song a few months ago and now I'm wallowing in self pity? I don't think so. I'm over it. He can cry all he wants; he lost me once and unless he's going to fight hard for me and do something overly convincing, he's not getting me back!

During the whole process of trying to figure out if I was going to go on this little escapade, I had to play with the idea of who's house I'm going to stay at. I have standing invitations at the boy's house and my god-daughter's house. At first I wanted to stay with the boy because not many people can deny the comfort of sharing a bed with someone. I hesistated because I didn't want to regret anything in the morning and we're not very good at being good. But I realized, that was half the reason I wanted to go. Not cool! Then I decided I wanted to spend the night with him and not sleep with him to prove to myself I could do it. Now I'm back to not knowing where I want to sleep. If I stayed with him, I would be proving a point to him that he can't have me whenever he wants me; he can't have me, period. But then, I don't have to prove anything to him. The only thing is, I might disturb my god-daughter coming in late and leaving rather early in the morning. I guess we'll just see how things go later this evening. Point is, no matter where I sleep, I'll just be "using" that person for a bed for a couple of short hours.

So yeah! I'm getting the hell out of this place for a night. Going to let my hair down and party!! Perhaps utilize some of the lines provided by Thom & Bullshit! Who knows, whatever, "I'm already gone"!

Interesting

2005-09-29T10:00:00.000-04:00

I found this on a few other sites and decided to give it a spin. Most of these quizes are pretty silly, but I really liked the results of this one. I swear I wasn't avoiding my homework when I took it ::angle eyes::

You are a Samurai.
You are full of honour and value respect. You
are not really the stereotypical hero, but you
do fight for good. Just in your own way. For
you, it is most certainly okay to kill an evil
person, if it is for justice and peace. You
also don't belive in mourning all the time and
think that once you've hit a bad stage in life
you just have to get up again. It's pointless
to concentrate on emotional pain and better to
just get on with everything. You also are a
down to earth type of person and think before
you act. Impulsive people may annoy you
somewhat.

Main weapon: Sword
Quote: "Always do the right thing.
This will gratify some people and astonish the
rest" -Mark Twain
Facial expression: Small smile

What Type of Killer Are You? [cool pictures]
brought to you by Quizilla

I'm a thief!

2005-09-28T15:00:00.000-04:00

I'm going to continue the thieving pattern. This one comes from Thom!

1. Legal First name? Tina..no it is NOT Christina, Martina, or anything else that could be shortened to Tina....just plain Tina and I like it that way

2. Were you named after anyone? nope, I was going to get a middle name after someone, but they let my brother pick it out instead.

3. Do you wish on stars? I hadn't for years until last summer, but I've since given up

4. When did you last cry? last night...it's been a rough week

5. What is your favorite lunch meat? Hard Salami

6. What is your birth date? March 13th...nothing unlucky about it!

7. What's your most embarrassing CD? I don't have anything that would really embarrass me, my ecletic taste is rather odd and I just accept that.

8. If you were another person, would you be friends with you? I'd like to say yes, but I do drive myself crazy and have terribly low self-esteem, so I'm going to say no

9. Do you use sarcasm a lot? I try, it often gets misinterpreted

10. What are your nicknames? Cricketina, Cricket, rubia negrita

11. Would you bungee jump? dude, my neck's so wacked, I think I'll pass....sky diving might be an option though....

12. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? what's the point, besides that means I'd have to bend down to get them off my feet....too much work...really, I stick to flip flops 90% of the time

13. Do you think that you are strong? I like to think so

14. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? mint chocolate chip, baby!

15. Shoe Size? 7.5-8-8.5 it depends on the shoe...why can't they just standardize things?!

16. Red or pink? red (pink = barf)

17. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? there's not a whole lot I can claim to like...if anything

18. Who do you miss most? right now, Mami, my Dominican host mom

19. What color pants and shoes are you wearing? jeans that are too tight and show my butt everytime I move, so annoying....currently barefoot, go figure

20. What are you listening to right now? my man-hating play list, Kelly Clarkson, Avril Lavigne, Pink, Alanis Morisette, Three Days Grace, Gloria Gaynor

21. What did you eat for breakfast? Cherry Pepsi & tylenol 3

22. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? a blue of some sort

23. What is the weather like right now? freaking hot and humid

24. Last person you talked to on the phone? my mom, she was bored at the airport and wanted me to entertain her while I was doing a million things and not feeling sorry that she was bored on the first leg of her vacation to go see our family in Ohio... lol, I'm a bad daughter

25.The first things you notice about the opposite sex? personality, looks mean nothing if you can't keep my attention

26. Do you like the person who sent this to you? the person I stole it from seems pretty cool, don't really "know" him, though

27. Favorite Drink? Midiori Sours

28. Hair Color? dirty blonde-ish ? with highlights

29. Do you wear contacts? I wish, too expensive

30. Favorite Food? Strawberries

31. Last Movie You Watched? Tierra de los Osos....Spn version of Brother Bear

32. Favorite Day Of The Year? my birthday

33. Scary Movies Or Happy Endings? happy endings

34. Summer Or Winter? I live in FL, what's the difference?

35. Hugs OR Kisses? hugs with most people, but I'm a sucker for a romantic kiss

36. What Is Your Favorite Dessert? icecream

37. Living Arrangements? suite style dorms

38. What books Are You Reading? you want a list of my text books and thesis material??

39. What's On Your Mouse Pad? FAU, Success, Some people dream of success while others wake up and work hard for it

40.What Did You Watch Last night on TV? TV, is that what that big black thing is in the living room??

41. Favorite Smells? lavender Vanilla

42. Favorite junk food? Soda!!

43. Rolling Stones or Beatles? I don't know

44. What's the farthest you've been from home? Germany & Austria

Confusion

2005-09-28T12:00:00.000-04:00

1 announcement of a new interest + 1 week of the cold shoulder + 1 day of man-hating songs + 2 hours of sweet, soft conversation = 1 very confused little girl

:*(

Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough

2005-09-26T18:00:00.000-04:00

I heard this song on the radio today. I dreamed about him, was thinking about him, and then I heard this. I know I've been putting a lot of song lyrics up here lately, but I'm no poet. I'm a vocalist and finding songs that fit my mood always comes naturally. I told a friend that when she's having a hard time making decisions, listen to the voices around her, the tried and true voices of wisdom, support, and love. I think that's a bit of advice I should be taking myself right now. As much as I want him back in my life, I really don't. It was great while it lasted, but it's over.

Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough

Now, I don't want to lose you, but I don't want to use you
just to have somebody by my side.
And I don't want to hate you,
I don't want to take you, but I don't want to be the one to cry.

And that don't really matter to anyone anymore.
But like a fool I keep losing my place
and I keep seeing you walk through that door.

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough.

Now, I could never change you, I don't want to blame you.
Baby, you don't have to take the fall.
Yes, I may have hurt you, but I did not desert you.
Maybe I just want to have it all.

It makes a sound like thunder, it makes me feel like rain.
And like a fool who will never see the truth,
I keep thinking something's gonna change.

(Chorus)

And there's no way home, when it's late at night and you're all alone.
Are there things that you wanted to say?
And do you feel me beside you in your bed,
there beside you, where I used to lay?

And there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough.

Baby, sometimes, love... it just ain't enough.

~Don Henley

I had a pretty bad and good weekend. Last night I went out to dinner with an incredible person. For my study abroad trip this summer, I chose to go with a program called ISA. ISA sent two American directors from their offices to the Dominican with us to meet up with a Dominican director. Well, one of my directors was at our main campus (an hour south) to sit at a study abroad fair. So, we went out to dinner last night and had a spectacular time. Sometimes I forget that I can go out with a male and just relax and enjoy the evening. Between forgetting to decide what we wanted for dinner several times, sitting at our table long after the bill had been paid, and standing in the parking lot as it slowly cleared we talked about just about everything under the sun, well moon by that point. Today I drove down to spend some time with him at the table at the fair. It was INCREDIBLY boring and the people weren't the nicest. I suggested to him to come to the Honors College where we all have to either do a study abroad or internship to graduate. So we talked about that for a bit and now it sounds like I'm going to be a student representative. He's trying to make it a paid position and trying to work everything out. How cool!!! It was really sad to say good-bye to him, though. He's a little piece of a place I've come to know as "home."

Today I'm exhausted from being out too late last night. My room's a MESS and the pile of laundry is getting pretty high. Oh, and I stink. I think I'm going to attend to my cleanliness issues and try to do some catch up reading before I pass out from shear exhaustion. Sweet dreams, world!

Christ Fellowship

2005-09-25T12:00:00.000-04:00

Ah, Sundays! A time to refresh and prepare for the inevitably long week ahead. I've shared many times my love for my church and the faith and comfort it has given me. I want nothing more than for everyone in this world to find the kind of faith and love I have encountered at my place of worship. Granted, I have a bias that I'd prefer people seek this in a Christian setting, but above all, not matter what religion or creed, we all need so support from above when times get tough. It's so easy to forget that in the hussle and bussle of everyday life. Christ Fellowship, my church is starting a new series next week called "God @ Home." The link above (or here or in Spanish) will lead you to their main page. From there you can look around at your leisure. I'd like to point out that they have written a new devotional to go along with the series and you can purchase it online. I do believe the price only covers the cost of publishing. If there is some extra, it would go toward our Impacting Faith mission, which is a three year plan to reach out and let our area, and the entire world, know of God's love and saving grace. Another point of interest might be the live stream options. You can log on and connect with our services, live. We have three campuses and an internet audience all connected. Our motto goes something like this "we are truly one church with one heartbeat worshiping in many locations."

This church is by far the most eclectic that I've seen. We have SEVERAL different races and different socio-economic classes worshiping together. You can look around the congregation and see so many colors and backgrounds. While waiting to leave the parking lot this morning I saw a car that was probably mid-late 80's barely running, clumping along behind a brand new H2. It really is amazing to see all of our differences come together and literally dropped at the door. We are one, loving body of Christ.

I'll get off my soap box now, but I just wanted to share the love and excitement that I've been lucky enough to find. I hope everyone's Sunday is going well and the week ahead isn't too stressful!!

Out Tonight

2005-09-24T14:30:00.000-04:00

What's the time?
Well it's gotta be close to midnight
My body's talking to me
It says, "Time for danger"
It says "I wanna commit a crime
Wanna be the cause of a fight
Wanna put on a tight skirt and flirt
With a stranger"
I've had a knack from way back
At breaking the rules once I learn the games
Get up - life's too quick
I know someplace sick
Where this chick'll dance in the flames
We don't need any money
I always get in for free
You can get in too
If you get in with me

Let's go out tonight
I have to go out tonight
You wanna play?
Let's run away
We won't be back before it's Christmas day
Take me out tonight (meow)

When I get a wink from the doorman
Do you know how lucky you'll be?
That you're on line with the feline of Avenue B

Let's go out tonight
I have to go out tonight
You wanna prowl
Be my night owl?
Well take my hand we're gonna howl
Out tonight

In the evening I've got to roam
Can't sleep in the city of neon and chrome
Feels too damn much like home
When the Spanish babies cry
So let's find a bar
So dark we forget who we are
And all the scars from the
Nevers and maybes die

Let's go out tonight
Have to go out tonight
You're sweet
Wanna hit the street?
Wanna wail at the moon like a cat in heat?
Just take me out tonight

Please take me out tonight
Don't forsake me -- out tonight
I'll let you make me -- out tonight

Tonight -- tonight -- tonight

~RENT, Jonathon Larson

This is how I'm feeling right now. I just want to go out, let my hair down, flirt with some random (albeit HOT) guy, and just have some careless, college fun! Yet, tonight I'll most likely be doing thesis reading in my room, blah!

Angsty--Blah!

2005-09-24T13:00:00.000-04:00

I'm so angsty today. Yesterday was a long day followed by what was supposed to be a fun filled evening but was horrible instead. Today I'm tired and worried and lonely and blah.

Yesterday we went to an entirely too expensive hotel right on the water for our annual butt-kissing event. The hotel is owned by the people who generously bestow large amounts of money to me so I can do this whole college thing. Every fall we get together with all the members of my scholarship (20, 5 from each class) and the Deans and some other important people to discuss what we did over the summer. The scholarship pays for us to do a specific activity each summer (hence my Dominican trip). So we got all dressed up, froze to death in a room fit for penguin reproduction, were bored out of our minds listening to power point after power point about everyone's summers. I got bored and started picking at my hose, creating a large hole just before my turn to present. Yay! Then we had lunch, a disaster. We have one vegan and a few vegetarians in the group. The dean is allergic to anything with tomatoes or that has been touched by tomatoes. I'm allergic to shellfish. Just about everything had meat (almost exclusively shell fish) and tomatoes. The salad was a big hit (it had cherry tomatoes, so she wasn't effected by them). Then we took a tour of the hotel and there were rooms there that cost more to rent for one night than my vehicle cost me. Granted, my POS doesn't exactly qualify as luxury, but come on now. Do people really have nothing better to do with their money than to rent a hotel room that costs entirely more than it should?!?!?! For heaven sakes, people, donate it, do something good with it. Take a vacation that cost half as much and do twice as much and still have some left over for those struggling in life. I was just annoyed.

I was so looking forward to last night. One of my best friends has recently changed jobs and our schedules almost never correspond anymore. We made a date to go to TGIFridays, one of our favorites, but a decent drive. She wanted to go to a movie afterward, but didn't tell me that her gift certificates were for a movie theater 30+minutes away from my house. She stopped by my place after work (6 o'clock) so we could figure out our plan. She lives fairly close to the restaurant (20 mins south) and between me and the movie theater. So we decided to take two cars. Well, she left before I got into my car. Then she called me as I was about to turn into the restaurant, pissed off. Apparently, the plan was for me to drive to her place (even though I only know about where it is--she recently moved) and we would take one car. That was CERTAINLY news to me. She was put out and while giving a guilt trip, decided to just meet me. Well, she has a habit of turning her phone off so her family can't call her. Her family has my phone number and if she won't answer, they call me. How nice! So as soon as we sit down, my phone starts ringing. It's her mom, which puts her in an even sourer mood, which doesn't help my decaying enthusiasm. Our server drove us crazy with her constant babble. I don't mind a server with a personality that can keep up a conversation, but this chick was just nuts. Plus, I'd secretly been hoping for a cute male server I could flirt with...sometimes flirting just makes you feel a bit better. So basically the movie plans were out, which I was half glad about given our rousing conversations of dead silence and her growing attitude incorrectly directed at me. She had to pick up her sister at work (near me) at 9:20 and being that it was pushing 8, I offered hanging out at my place until she had to go. I told her I'd make her a Midori Sour, if she'd like, once we got there. I got the holier than thou disapproving reprimand. Um, hello, we're both of age (now) and I'm certainly the last person you'll find abusing or consuming large amounts of alcohol. Besides, it was only a week or so ago that she was drinking more than I would ever consider drinking in one evening, on her 21st.

She is extremely depressed, almost suicidal. She denies that there is a problem and refuses to talk to someone. The limited amount of time we spend together now (we used to be inseparable) is horrible. We're both miserable; I leave feeling ten times worse than when I left and I can't imagine she feels any better. It wasn't like that before. She's mad at God for keeping her in her admittedly bad situation, but blaming God isn't going to make things better. Then she turns around and pretends to be the best Christian there is. We used to have so much fun together and no matter what was going on, we'd both have a terrific time and forget about life for a while. Now she's miserable and making me miserable.

I'm more upset about Joseph having a new girl than I thought I would be. I guess, through it all, he never stopped wanting me, and that felt good, no matter how annoying. Now, he wants someone else and I'm just left in the cold. I know it's normal and for the best, but it just sucks right now.

I've gained a good bit of weight recently, too. I'm trying really hard to eat decently and ride my bike to/from work, but it just doesn't seem to be helping. Everyone says I look good and that they can't tell. I don't know if that's just them trying to be nice, or what, but 90% of my clothes don't fit over my big butt. I'm supposed to be in a wedding in two weeks and I'm worried that the dress won't fit, now. It's just adding to the already self-deprecating ideas.

Then there's this huge in-between stage I'm going through right now. I'm ending undergrad and getting ready to move on. Many of my friends are getting married, having kids, settling down. That's just not going to happen for me for at LEAST a few years. I have nothing in common with the few people from high school I've tried to keep in touch with. Most of my college friends are either sticking around the area (finishing or starting work) or are heading out of town, like me, in the fall. The only time I halfway feel "at home" is when I'm at church, but even then, I know I won't be there much longer. I just seem to be growing further and further away from everyone and everything. I don't know, I'm just all angsty and lost right now.

I'm worried about LP and waiting to hear that she's okay. I feel better knowing Rita chilled out a bit before making landfall, and hit North of her. Doesn't mean she won't get some killer effects though. Now I know what my friends and family went through last year with all those storms I rode out.

I try to pretend I have it all together and try to act all mature, but really, I'm just a confused little girl.
Okay, I know this was a miserable post, sorry guys. I'm just sitting in the lab, left to my own thoughts, tired, and dealing with my perpetual headache. Hope you are all having a terrific weekend, and those of you in the storm's path are safe and sound.

Random Follow-up Stuff

2005-09-22T18:00:00.000-04:00

I was talking with the counselor today about some of the stuff I've been posting about. We talked about the possibility of changing my name. He thought it was a good thing that I was thinking about it, but something that I SERIOUSLY needed to consider before acting. He had a few good points:

I'm planning to get married (WAY in the future) and planning on taking his name
any drastic moves like that would close any possibility of my dad ever softening his heart
family members on that side of the family (my grandparents, an aunt, an uncle, and my brother) would NOT take kindly to that kind of action and could result in even fewer family members on my side than before
I have 5-7 years before I'll be adding Doctor to my title
Women publish things under maiden names all the time and since I'm not planning to be an academic, it will probably be even less important for me not to change my name

So, he's glad that I'm thinking about it, but suggested to wait a few years and see how life pans out. I've made it thus far with my name, a few more years won't kill me. The family ramifications would be too hard to deal with right now, and I could feasibly never need to take this kind of action--5-7 years from now, I might be married. So, it's still something to ponder, but something that I should probably wait a bit for based on the possible consequences. Apparently Mister I-don't-want-a-girlfriend-right-now had a decent date last night, attending his best friend's birthday (the father of my God-daughter). From the very, very limited (and fairly complimentary) explanation I gave the counselor about our relationship, he told me to move on. Funny, I keep telling myself maybe we could get back together, but I really don't want that. I really just want to move on. I'm so hoping that now that he has someone to focus his attention on, that he'll leave me alone and allow me to move on. I've done it once, I'll do it again. I was over it for over a year. He just dragged me back into things. Oh well. Well, I have to run to the store, buy my mom's birthday present (and hope it gets to her by Monday--oops!!), grab dinner and go to CHOIR REHEARSAL!!! YAY! Toodles and Happy Friday!!

Redondillas I

2005-09-22T09:00:00.000-04:00

Hoy es mi día de español--tengo tarea, la clase de literatura hispanola y coro español. Este "post" está dedicado a Xolo, quien comparta la nacionalidad con esta gran escritora.

Hombres necios que acusáis
a la mujer, sin razón,
sin ver que sois la ocasión
de lo mismo que culpáis;

si con ansia sin igual
solicitáis su desdén,
por qué queréis que obren bien
si las incitáis al mal?

Combatís su resistencia
y luego, con gravedad,
decís que fue liviandad
lo que hizo la diligencia.

Parecer quiere el denuedo
de vuestro parecer loco,
al niño que pone el coco
y luego le tiene miedo.

Queréis, con presunción necia,
hallar a la que buscáis
para prentendida, Thais,
y en la posesión, Lucrecia.

¿Qué humor puede ser más raro
que el que, falto de consejo,
él mismo empaña el espejo
y siente que no esté claro?

Con el favor y el desdén
tenéis condición igual,
quejándoos, si os tratan mal,
burlándoos, si os quieren bien.

Opinión, ninguna gana,
pues la que más se recata,
si no os admite, es ingrata,
y si os admite, es liviana.

Siempre tan necios andáis
que, con desigual nivel,
a una culpáis por cruel
y a otra por fácil culpáis.

¿Pues como ha de estar templada
la que vuestro amor pretende?,
¿si la que es ingrata ofende,
y la que es fácil enfada?

Mas, entre el enfado y la pena
que vuestro gusto refiere,
bien haya la que no os quiere
y quejaos en hora buena.

Dan vuestras amantes penas
a sus libertades alas,
y después de hacerlas malas
las queréis hallar muy buenas.

¿Cuál mayor culpa ha tenido
en una pasión errada:
la que cae de rogada,
o el que ruega de caído?

¿O cuál es de más culpar,
aunque cualquiera mal haga;
la que peca por la paga
o el que paga por pecar?

¿Pues, para qué os espantáis
de la culpa que tenéis?
Queredlas cual las hacéis
o hacedlas cual las buscáis.

Dejad de solicitar,
y después, con más razón,
acusaréis la afición
de la que os fuere a rogar.

Bien con muchas armas fundo
que lidia vuestra arrogancia,
pues en promesa e instancia
juntáis diablo, carne y mundo.

Sor Juana Inés de la Cruz

I'm not fond of doing this, but here's an attempt at translating Sor Juana's beautiful words (not my own translation). A lot of it's beauty is lost, but I didn't want to leave out my English readers.

Silly, you men-so very adept
at wrongly faulting womankind,
not seeing you're alone to blame
for faults you plant in woman's mind.

After you've won by urgent plea
the right to tarnish her good name,
you still expect her to behave--
you, that coaxed her into shame.

You batter her resistance down
and then, all righteousness, proclaim
that feminine frivolity,
not your persistence, is to blame.

When it comes to bravely posturing,
your witlessness must take the prize:
you're the child that makes a bogeyman,
and then recoils in fear and cries.

Presumptuous beyond belief,
you'd have the woman you pursue
be Thais when you're courting her,
Lucretia once she falls to you.

For plain default of common sense,
could any action be so queer
as oneself to cloud the mirror,
then complain that it's not clear?

Whether you're favored or disdained,
nothing can leave you satisfied.
You whimper if you're turned away,
you sneer if you've been gratified.

With you, no woman can hope to score;
whichever way, she's bound to lose;
spurning you, she's ungrateful--
succumbing, you call her lewd.

Your folly is always the same:
you apply a single rule
to the one you accuse of looseness
and the one you brand as cruel.

What happy mean could there be
for the woman who catches your eye,
if, unresponsive, she offends,
yet whose complaisance you decry?

Still, whether it's torment or anger--
and both ways you've yourselves to blame--
God bless the woman who won't have you,
no matter how loud you complain.

It's your persistent entreaties
that change her from timid to bold.
Having made her thereby naughty,
you would have her good as gold.

So where does the greater guilt lie
for a passion that should not be:
with the man who pleads out of baseness
or the woman debased by his plea?

Or which is more to be blamed--
though both will have cause for chagrin:
the woman who sins for money
or the man who pays money to sin?

So why are you men all so stunned
at the thought you're all guilty alike?
Either like them for what you've made them
or make of them what you can like.

If you'd give up pursuing them,
you'd discover, without a doubt,
you've a stronger case to make
against those who seek you out.

I well know what powerful arms
you wield in pressing for evil:
your arrogance is allied
with the world, the flesh, and the devil!

Everything's Alright

2005-09-22T06:00:00.000-04:00

Try not to get worried, try not to turn on to
Problems that upset you, oh.
Don't you know
Everything's alright, yes, everything's fine,
And we want you to sleep well tonight.
Let the world turn without you tonight.
If we try, we'll get by, so forget all about us tonight.

Sleep and I shall soothe you, calm you, and anoint you...
Myrrh for your hot forehead, oh.
Then you'll feel
Everything's alright, yes, everything's fine.
And it's cool, and the ointment's sweet
For the fire in your head and feet.
Close your eyes, close your eyes
And relax, think of nothing tonight.

~Jesus Christ Super Star

Soap Opera...

2005-09-21T19:30:00.000-04:00

Oy! So this whole ex-boyfriend soap opera continues. For those of you just tuning in, I dated this guy for three years and we've been "apart" for over a year now and I pseudo-dated someone in the interim (15 year age difference and 2000 miles--bad idea). Most recently he's been talking about someone he works with. Talking about her in that way that I know he'll wind up dating her. However, I also know it won't last. The funniest thing is he's being all sketchy about it all. Hiding information, telling me only what he wants me to know, yet forgetting that his best friend and his best friend's wife are extremely close to me and tell me everything anyway. Last night we were having a "normal" absurd conversation and he suddenly stops and says, "Well, I have something to tell you."
My first thought was, who did he screw and feels guilty about.
"I went on a date."
"Did Stacey have a good time?"
"Um, how did you know? We saw ::insert chick flick about heaven movie name::"
"WTF? I dated you three years and I never could get you to take me to movie even remotely similar and this chick gets a chick flick on the first date"
"I took you to Harry Potter, does that count?"
"You know full well that doesn't count."
"Well, I'll take you to one."
"I've hear that line before. So did you get in her pants?"
"Tina (stern, reprimanding voice)"
"What? (sweet innocent voice)"
"She's waiting until she married"
"That never stopped you before" (yes, I know this was a low blow, but he was trying to get a reaction, so he got one--he was my first and only)
The conversation went to how he never plans to get married.
"This coming from the guy who refused to make even a minimum commitment. Then told everyone that you'd planed on marrying me as soon as we broke up."
"Well, that's what I decided while you were away that summer (speaking of the summer I spent in Colorado). I did a lot of thinking about it, talked to my mom about it, a lot, I was ready." (no he wasn't, but whatever)
"You sure had a funny way of showing it."
"I know I made a mistake and I regret that."
"Well not talking to me and being a total ass for 3/4 of the time I was gone certainly wasn't the way to win my heart over."
The conversation went to many things and finally back again just before we hung up. I can't remember the prompt he gave me, but my final sentence to him surprised both of us.
"Perhaps there's something to be said for winning her back."
"What?" (I hate it when he fully heard what I said and merely wants me to repeat it--really what's the point??)
"Goodnight"
"Bye"

I'm glad he's dating, but I have to admit that it stings. Part of me wants nothing more than to be in his arms again, and part of me wants nothing more than to finally get over him and move on. There are so many things about him that drive me insane and I don't think I could ever live with. But somehow I always wind up back with him. We've "broken up" so many times. We've tried the "just friends" gig unsuccessfully more times than I can count. A year after we broke up, we still don't know how to be friends.

I'd love to go on a date--with someone new. Be taken out and spoiled. Not spoiled financially, I don't care about money. But spoiled with courtesy, with affection, with courtship. I want to spend a wonderful night out on the town with that horribly awkward flirting that keeps the butterflies beating the hell out of each other in your stomach all night. I want to spend an evening with a man who expects nothing more than the possibility of a sweet, soft kiss at the end of the evening. I want to be romanced like the poetic voice of Thom's poetry. Someone like "Ryan" (a reference to Thom, NOT past mistakes). Is that so much to ask? Just a date, not a boyfriend, not a relationship, none of that stuff that bogs you down.

Oh well, I guess I should start paying attention in class. I'm sitting in a philosophy course with a professor I don't like, and yet my scholarship FORCES me to take these stupid one credit wastes of time. And then he makes the mistake of holding class in the computer lab. Blah! Hope everyone is having a terrific evening!

Last names- cont'd

2005-09-21T11:00:00.000-04:00

So in class today we were talking about surveys and wording and a bunch of other psychological stuff. One example caught my attention. While President Clinton was in office they did an approval rating of the First Lady. When they ran the poll with Hillary Clinton they got much higher approval ratings than when they ran the poll with Hillary Rodham Clinton. Her maiden name made a significant difference. hmmm.....

Last names

2005-09-20T20:30:00.000-04:00

I've recently become obsessed with last names. Well, in the sense of marriage, publications, and professional identities. My psychology professor never took her husband's name because she was too well known by her maiden name. I asked her if she took it personally, away from the professional realm. She said that some people did, but that complicated things too much. She immediately saw through my questioning, which I hadn't yet realized there was something driving that line of questions.

With my plans to get my doctorate, I've thought about my name. I never want to be known by my father's last name. Ideally, it'd be nice to be married before I get my title, then I wouldn't have to worry about it. But, I'm certainly not holding my breath or making any judgements based on that. I recently talked to my mom about changing my name to her maiden name. I wouldn't mind giving her family that honor. I mentioned it to my professor today and she thought it was a terrific idea. I'm worried about what kind of repercussions an action like that might have on my dad's side of the family...the few that still pretend to talk to me. I tried to find out information about it and found some statues and such, but nothing speaking of a process or costs. My professor suggested I should bring it up to my family and ask for donations so I could do it as a graduation present.

It's a big step. But, it is definitely something I need to think about. Anyway, I'm exhausted! Goodnight, all!

::Yawns::

2005-09-20T01:00:00.000-04:00

Okay, it's now 4 hours past my bed time and the alarm will surely jolt me out of bed in four hours. My Cortés y Moctezuma essay is written, my Sor Juana Inés de la Cruz homework undone (but that should only take me a few minutes to complete, I've read and studied her so much), my two psychology articles are unread and unanalyzed. Overall, I'm very disappointed in myself. I've somehow managed to make it to my senior year and still lack study & time management skills. In an attempt to reclaim time I've somehow managed to loose, the following is my new set of restrictions:

No blogging (reading, posting, commenting) between the hours of 9am & 4pm
No AIM (no chatting, no excessive away message checking, no being on, PERIOD) between the hours of 9am & 4pm
No web access unless wholly necessary for SCHOOL work between the hours of 9am & 4pm
No phone conversations between the hours of 9am & 4pm
Limited social interaction with like-minded roommate between the hours of 9am & 4pm
None of the previous after 9am on Friday until 9am on Saturday
Saturdays-no restrictions
Sundays-limited use of vices listed above, with a focus on church and homework

This leaves me with an hour after work to do my web stuff in the morning and my evenings free to do my social activities (small group bible study, Spanish church choir, communication) and get to bed on time. I can't really do much work while working in the psychology lab on Saturday, anyway, so that's a good time to catch up. Sundays I'm usually busy with church and grocery shopping and Wal-mart runs and catching up with various family members.

I can't even begin to understand where my time is going, and if I lay out 9am-4pm as SCHOOL-only time, maybe I can regain some control over things. My homework is hopelessly stacked, my thesis materials untouched, my stress level through the roof, and panic has already set it. Dude, this is only the 5th week!!! We're only 1/3rd through this thing. If I don't change now, I'm going to DIE and never write my thesis.

You may be asking yourself why I chose to write this post rather than snag the few moments I have left before the morning arrives. That's an easy one. If I don't post this, make it public, known, then no one will know what I've decided and I can't be held accountable for my digressions. While I don't expect that anyone will be checking my post/comment times, I've told you all my plan and that makes it real and I have to stick to it.

It may take me awhile to catch back up. I'll continue to lurk in my "free time" and I'll work on adding all the great new sites I've come across in the past few days (this whole blogging thing is truly addictive). Good night, sleep tight, everyone!!!

I promise I'm writing my paper

2005-09-19T13:00:00.000-04:00

After reading 5th Circle of Cubic Hell: The Procrastinator's Creed while not doing my SPN essay, I'm putting myself on restriction. I'm sorry guys, I've got to forbid myself from blogging for a bit to catch up on a ton of work that I'm so horribly behind on. I'll miss you guys; hopefully I'll be on good behavior and I'll get some of my privelages back soon! (Hey, my mom's not here, someone's got to punish me ;) )

Jesus + Music + Spanish = 1 Happy Girl

2005-09-18T17:30:00.000-04:00

So today I decided to break out of my beloved comfort zone. What gets accomplished by being comfortable? I love the church I go to. Well, they have a service in Spanish as well. I couldn't get any of my Spanish savvy friends to endeavor the Jesus thing. I chickened out of going by myself for a couple of weeks, but I really wanted to try it out. I figured it'd be the perfect opportunity for me to keep up with my precious language skills acquired this summer. So, today, after the really inspiring regular service, I returned, alone, to check out this whole Spanish thing.

I got there and immediately wanted to leave. The sanctuary was basically empty and everyone regarded me in English--white girl syndrome. By the time the first song was over, there were a lot more people and it felt like "home" again (by home I mean the Dominican Republic). It was so cool. After a bit their miniscule choir got up to sing. It was so small it was almost laughable, but their hearts were in it and it was really cool. Towards the end of the service I was feeling terrific. I knew I'd probably fight myself to go for at least the next few times, but I knew I'd be glad I did each time. Then the pastor mentioned that the choir would really like new/more members. My ears perked up. I don't think I've ever talked about it on here, but I went to a performing arts high school for vocal music. I probably could have made something of myself musically, but wasn't interested in engaging in the cut-throat, make it or die arena. My opportunities to sing since then have become more and more limited and are basically left to the time I'm in the car.

My first thought is, well, the other choir practices on Wednesdays (when I've always had classes so I've never been able to join) so maybe these guys will have to practice another night! Sure enough, the next statement was that they practice at 7:30 on Thursday nights. SWEET!!! I recognized one of the lead singers/soloists from the regular service and approached her after the service to see what I could do about joining. First, she was overly impressed by my Spanish and couldn't believe I was a gringa through and through. That was an ego boost in itself. She introduced me to a few people including the choir director. He said to come next Thursday and we'll go from there. Then the soloist started taking me around and introducing me to various people. It was so cool!! She was super sweet.

I left church so excited I was crying. The whole thing was so incredible. It's so interesting to see how God works in our lives. So now I'm supposed to be writing my spn lit paper, but I'm took excited (and a good bit tired as well). I think I'll do the lesser homework that I was going to do tomorrow tonight and do the paper tomorrow. All I know is that I won't be doing any school work Thursday night...I've got plans!!!

Blah....that's all I got

2005-09-16T15:30:00.000-04:00

I know people don't like complainers, but I'm venting today.

So my headaches are back, with full vengeance. So much for going to the chiropractor this summer. I guess I should have followed his advice and kept going, but I just couldn't afford it. Yesterday it was unbearable and I had to big the little girl I baby-sit to just sit quietly and watch TV for a bit before I made her dinner. Dinner seemed to help, but not fix it. By the time some of my slightly younger friends were coercing me to go to the "store" for them, I was still feeling crapy. However while wandering the isles of the small establishment, I spotted a little green bottle of melon bliss. My good friend Mr. Midori took the edge off just enough to enjoy the spontaneous however chill gathering that resulted from my trip to the store. After one drink and watching my roommate get both legs behind her head while screaming, "take the picture fast, owe this hurts," I went to bed.

This morning I woke up "late" since I didn't have to sit. I got up and ready and went to this "coffee with a professor" thing. It's more of a community thing. Every so often they have a professor give a very casual 20 minute talk in their area of expertise. My favorite professor was up today, speaking about a subject that I usually find overly interesting. I sat with the new clinical therapist and the Dean of my college. It seemed like a good idea, at first. Then I realized it was 8am on a Friday morning, I was in a room full of "older adults," and my professor wasn't saying anything I hadn't heard before. The whole thing was rather anticlimactic.

I came back to my room and my ex called. I'm really getting sick of him. For those of you just tuning in, our relationship is EXTREMELY dramatic--soap opera worthy. If you're interested in more of an explanation, feel free to check it out. So he was in Seattle for several weeks, spending time with his father. As I predicted, putting two stubborn bachelors in one house for a significant amount of time with neither one of them working was a BAD combination. I was there for him and tried to keep him from blowing an otherwise perfectly healthy relationship with a pretty incredible man. As soon as he got back in town, it was "Tina who?" I sent him a text message while he was at a friend's house asking him to call when he was leaving because I was having a rough night. The circumstances of my shitty mood aren't important. He called as I was dosing off so I was rather groggy when I answered the phone. He didn't give a shit that I was upset. He asked if I'd talked to someone else about it and I told him I'd just cried myself to sleep instead. His response was to change the subject. There's more, but basically, he was just being an uncaring ass. That was a week ago. Today he called and was all lovey dovey and cutsie voice and "oh, how was your week?" and just gag me. I'm so over the on again off again attitude. One minute he wants to restart our relationship, the next he just wants me back in bed, and the next he doesn't want a thing to do with me. ARGH!! They say girls are cryptic!

So then I call another friend of mine. This time I'm trying to figure out why his wife has been telling me that she's been sleeping on the couch for the past two weeks and why she says they've been talking about divorce. Knowing the drama queen nature of this particular friend, I figured I'd hear his side before coming to a conclusion about the whole thing. I felt so bad. Not only did I distract him from his work for about an hour, I frustrated him. Not at me, but by bringing up exhausting topics. When I hung up, his wife was online and IMing me. Oh lord. So I listened to her rant for awhile then begged out to make my lunch.

By now it's NOON and I still haven't touched any of the thesis research I'd promised myself I'd get done. So I eat a gigantic bowl of soup, so much that I actually made myself sick. Then I cleaned the living room from the activities from the night before and washed all the dishes.

By one my head was killing me, yet again, so I figured I'd lie down and rest for about an hour. I woke up feeling crappier than I had before I laid down. Nice. I had a quick thank you letter to write to turn in for my scholarship. Cleaned my room which had somehow COMPLETELY exploded. I figured I'd splurge and buy myself a soda. Maybe the caffeine and sugar would help. Do you think that even something as simple as that could go right?? Of course not. I decided against the cherry pepsi and went for the hard stuff. Mountain Dew. So I push the button, grab my soda, and promptly get distracted by a bulletin board. I mindlessly open the bottle and take a sip. Damn, I must be feeling bad, this tastes like shit. I chalk it up to weird taste buds and head for my room. When I finally look down, I realize that even though there's no button which offers Diet Mountain Dew, I've somehow managed to acquire it. I cannot stand the taste of aspertane. I figured I don't really need the calories anyway and I'll just suck it up and drink it. Well, as soon as I walked in the door I promptly DROPPED IT. That's terrific. Now I can't even drink it until later, which I know I won't do. Maybe I should just bust out the Midori that's in my fridge, that would make things ALL better!! Except that I really wanted to take a vicidin to rid me of this headache and am not interested in killer cocktails. Water's best for me anyway, I guess.

Oh, I was looking forward to my bike ride this afternoon (I bike to and from work). When I was turning in my thank you letter I saw the dooming black formations over head. So much for the prospect of physical activity and the rush of endorphins to help the mood.

So now that it's just about time for me to go pick up "my" child from aftercare, I realize that I've effectively WASTED my entire Friday, yet again. Terrific. Hope everyone is having a better day and I hope we all have terrific weekends.

J & Beaver....come back, I miss you!!

More Pictures

2005-09-15T10:00:00.000-04:00

I love that I finally figured out how to post pictures. Here's a few happy shots to bring smiles to your face (I hope!).

Yes, that's a blonde chick, in heels, changing a tire in less than 15 minutes, on the way to church! (and yes, that's me)

My god-daughter looking all cute and innocent!

Me and my god-daughter playing, after she played in the rain for a bit and had to be changed into dry clothes.

My boy, eating the happy meal toy I got in the Dominican Republic. And, yes, I do mean eating. The ears on that thing are significantly shorter and there's no other evidence (except maybe in the litter box).

Phrase of the Day

2005-09-13T14:45:00.000-04:00

So wrong, and yet, so poetic!

Oh please

2005-09-13T09:45:00.000-04:00

I'm really not a Bush hater, not a lover either. But there comes a point where I just can't STAND his ignorance anymore. I sincerely hope this is a type-o. I found this quote while scanning some AOL news clips (which I think usually tends to favor Bush).

"My impression of New Orleans is this: that there is a recovery on the way," Bush said after riding through New Orleans in a truck with the governor and mayor.

I'm sorry, I just don't even know what this means. This man went to an Ivy league school?? I go to a state school that wishes it was Ivy league; you'd NEVER get away with writing, saying, even thinking something that grammatically incorrect. For starters, it's taken from the first time he got an upclose look at the damage. Ummm, hello, it's been TWO WEEKS!!! I don't know if I'm more sensitive because I'm from the home of the hurricanes or because I'm tapping into everyone else's frustration or what, but I'm certainly glad my church is stepping up to help since our president is acting like a buffoon!

New Orleans (NO) relief issues

2005-09-10T13:15:00.000-04:00

A family member forwarded this e-mail to me. I thought it was interesting. There is no trail and I copied ALL the information that was in the e-mail. I have no idea who wrote it and no idea of the validity. I post it here for entertainment and discussion value.

The truth is out there but the media cannot find it.

All of Nagin's pomp and posturing is going to bite him hard in the near future as the lies and distortions of his interviews are coming to light.

On Friday night before the storm hit Max Mayfield of the National Hurricane Center took the unprecedented action of calling Nagin and Blanco personally to plead with them to begin MANDATORY evacuation of NO and they said they'd take it under consideration. This was after the NOAA buoy 240 miles south had recorded 68' waves before it was destroyed.

President Bush spent Friday afternoon and evening in meetings with his advisors and administrators drafting all of the paperwork required for a state to request federal assistance (and not be in violation of the Posse Comitatus Act or having to enact the Insurgency Act). Just before midnight Friday evening the President called Governor Blanco and pleaded with her to
sign the request papers so the federal government and the military could legally begin mobilization and call up. He was told that they didn't think it necessary for the federal government to be involved yet. After the President's final call to the governor she held meetings with her staff to iscuss the political ramifications of bringing federal forces. It was decided that if they allowed federal assistance it would make it look as if they had failed so it was agreed upon that the feds would not be invited in.

Saturday before the storm hit the President again called Blanco and Nagin requesting they please sign the papers requesting federal assistance, that they declare the state an emergency area, and begin mandatory evacuation. After a personal plea from the President Nagin agreed to order an evacuation, but it would not be a full mandatory evacuation, and the governor still refused to sign the papers requesting and authorizing federal action. In frustration the President declared the area a national disaster area before the state of Louisiana did so he could legally begin some advanced preparations. Rumor has it that the President's legal advisers were looking into the ramifications of using the insurgency act to bypass the Constitutional requirement that a state request federal aid before the federal government can move into state with troops - but that had not been done since 1906 and the Constitutionality of it was called into question to
use before the disaster.

Throw in that over half the federal aid of the past decade to NO for levee construction, maintenance, and repair was diverted to fund a marina and support the gambling ships. Toss in the investigation that will look into why the emergency preparedness plan submitted to the federal government for funding and published on the city's website was never implemented and in fact may have been bogus for the purpose of gaining additional federal funding as we now learn that the organizations identified in the plan were never contacted or coordinating into any planning - though the document implies that they were.

The suffering people of NO need to be asking some hard questions as do we all, but they better start with why Blanco refused to even sign the multi-state mutual aid pack activation documents until Wednesday which further delayed the legal deployment of National Guard from adjoining states. Or maybe ask why Nagin keeps harping that the President should have commandeered 500 Greyhound busses to help him when according to his own emergency plan and documents he claimed to have over 500 busses at his disposal to use between the local school busses and the city transportation busses - but he never raised a finger to prepare them or activate them.

This is a sad time for all of us to see that a major city has all but been destroyed and thousands of people have died with hundreds of thousands more suffering, but it's certainly not a time for people to be pointing fingers and trying to find a bigger dog to blame for local corruption and
incompetence. Pray to God for the survivors that they can start their lives anew as fast as possible and we learn from all the mistakes to avoid them in the future.

Dominican Pics

2005-09-09T15:45:00.001-04:00

This post is dedicated to Liquid Plastic, in honor of the Voice's LA heritage, and to inspire our Traveling Beaver as she sets out on a new journey. May all enjoy!!!

I finally got my pictures from my trip loaded on my computer. I picked some of the most fun photos to share!!

These are my boys, Manuel y Moises. Manuel is Mami's grandson. Moises is technically Mami's nephew, but she raises him as her son.

The next couple are from the capital, Santo Domingo.

This is Fortaleza de Osama. If you enlarge the picture, you might be able to see the people coming down the steps (look just above the diagonal lines). (The new pic in my profile, which looks much more like me, was taken at the top of the fortress)

Lake of suffering-- this was a beautiful lake underground in some caverns. It was weird, one minute you see buildings, then there's this area set aside for these caverns and underground lakes.

This was a waterfall we rode to on horseback one weekend. Everyone got in the water, but I decided to sit back on a rock and just enjoy the view.

The falls from the previous picture are visible in the lower left corner of this picture. This was the rest of the view. It was amazing to just take in all of God's glory. If you look close at the middle bottom of the picture, you can see the little kids that were our "guides" on the trip.

Hello, just chillin' here atop my horse!

Tiffany, Me, Moises, Manuel (in front) at Sousa Beach. Check out how clear the water is.

Jorgie y Manuel. Manuel passed out after a fun day at the beach. But before he did, he did the sweetest thing: Jorgie was riding in that seat so he could keep the van door open to give us some more air. Manuel reached around his dad and pulled the seatbelt over him and buckled him in before we took off (they hardly ever wear seatbelts). This is my favorite picture from my trip. You can see Jorgie's love for his son in his eyes.

After the beach we went to the river to rinse the salt and sand off before driving all the way home (an hour or two). Can you find me?? Just look for the white chick!

Me & Latosha feeding the stone man on campus

Tiffany, Papi, Mami, Me--the family, too bad my eyes are closed

Mami & me chilling on the balcony, this was our normal evening position. Well, that's only partly true. I'd sit there and Mami would run between smoking outside and peeking around the corner where her Soaps were on. The best times of the trip were spent on that balcony just chatting it up.

Gotta love stupid people

2005-09-09T09:30:00.000-04:00

I copied this out of an e-mail from my uncle. We've gotten to the point that when we talk on the phone, we count the number of times we talk/complain about stupid people. It's running rampant I tell you! Anyway, enjoy!

In Honor of Stupid People . . . .
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(.and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(.I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God... was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

****Blessed are the cracked:
For it is they who let in the light*****

A busy and boring week

2005-09-08T18:00:00.000-04:00

I realized I was missing my online interaction because I hadn't posted in almost a week. It's been an uneventful, but full week.

Sunday at church they were talking about the new small group bible study they want to start in October. I really felt called to agree to open up my small space to congregate once a week to further study His word. I'm rather nervous about the whole thing, as I've never done anything like this. I still have to clear it with my roommates, as it will be in our common area. I think it will be a neat experience, though.

My wonderful day off was spent catching up on all the work I hadn't done all weekend because I knew that I had Monday to do it. Oy, one of these days I'm going to break that stupid procrastination trait.

The newest member of our psychology staff is now on campus. No teaching, just counseling. My current psychology professor/advisor encouraged me to speak with him: "Everyone who wants to go into counseling should go through counseling or continually be in counseling. You can't help other people with their problems when you've got your own. And we ALL have problems." So I went to talk to him, explained a bit of my past and this past summer. Turns out I've got a lot more pent up anger and hurt with my father. So we're going to work on that more. That man will run my life no more. He had his 15 years and continued his reign unwelcomed. It's time for that to end and for me to move on.

Starting Saturday I'll starting running a psychology experiment. Actually, I'll just be running someone else's project, but it's good experience and it will be nice to put on my grad applications...which I need to work on. Oy!

Anyway, just wanted to give everyone a Tina update. My head is pounding as it has been. Hurricane Ophelia isn't helping things, playing with the atmospheric pressure around here. At least it looks like she's not looking to make landfall. I'm going to relax as my weekend begins and try to get some reading accomplished. Hope all is well with everyone else. I promise I've been lurking, but time has not allowed me to comment. I love you, all!!